Alone again...

[Saur]

Although I spent my very first new years eve outside of my family home to party for 3 days with the swimming team instead, I can't say my nights out were exactly enjoyable. I've recently broke up with my online companion and the thoughts of it are agonizing...

For 8 months she gave me the hopes that we would be able to meet someday and become a true couple... For that time she made me believe that we we're meant to be, and that despite the fifteen thousand kilometres that separated us, we were always there for each other and always help each other out and talked about things... She was the very first person in my life that I could call a "girlfriend", but then my biggest fear came true...

In our last month I noticed she was becoming more evasive in our chat... One weekend she said she was going to spend it at a "friend"'s place, but this particular guy she talked about always scared me... When she came back, first she tried to avoid the subject, but the I confronted her and she let it all out... That night out, they kissed and fell asleep together on his bed... I don't know how you people do it, but I never thought that the idea of being cheated on or lied to could be so painful...

We broke up that day but decided we would remain friends, however her chat was always about her new companion, how she loves to spend time with him, how he's so great, how they always slept together half naked... The worst was yet to come, as I was trying to get over our break-up (still am), and deep inside I still felt a connection to her... and still do...

A week past without us speaking, as she had told me she would spend Christmas time with her boyfriend's family. When she came back, she told me something that made me go through the most painful experience I've ever had in my life... She said that she lost her virginity to her boyfriend that Christmas night, and that they've had sex several through out the week since she was staying with him all the time...

With all of this... the simple thought of her gives me a chest pain so severe that I just wish to stick a knife into my chest and put an end to my misery... Simply seeing her photo makes me want to cry, almost anything that I hear or see through out my daily basis life triggers my sadness, as it reminds me of her... Ever since that day, which was also the last one we chatted since, I wake up thinking about her, I go through my day thinking about her, and I can't barely sleep because she's in my head... I can't forget her... She was my first, and what I believe will be my only one because I just can't see any other girls the same way I saw her... She was the one thing that was missing in my life, and now it's gone... I think about suicide every 5 minutes because of this, damn it... I'm trying to hold my tears as I type all of this...

She asked me to try to pick myself up and look at other girls... I've been trying, and heck, for the first time in my life, I confessed a "crush" for a girl face-to-face... I was rejected, no surprise there, but that's not the issue here... The fact is that I still feel a connection to my ex... I think I still love her with all my heart... And now I go every day in pain and agony over it, always with immense chest and head pain, always with an intense need to cry and shout... I thought that my new years out would allow me to relax and have some fun, but this barely happened as I kept thinking about her, along with all of the opportunities I missed in my life and it seemed to be to late for me to experience the most basic things in life, like being kissed for the first time...

Please forgive my extended thread, I can't control my need to let my thoughts out every once in a while... Heck, I did it face-to-face with that "crush" today, also a first time in my life, but not about this... not about "her"... I need help to get over this... I don't know just how long I can handle the pain... To everyone who's went through break-ups before, kudos to you, your hearts are made of steel and can endure anything... I just wish my own heart was that strong, but right now it's just shattered... Someone... Anyone... Please help me before I do something that will hurt the people that do care about me... What should I do?...

 

[jdaustin]

I think the nail is in the coffin of whatever relationship you thought you had with this girl
The good news is that frees you to find someone less shallow and more into you.
I would stop chatting with her immediately for the sake of your sanity.
It sounds from your post that you don't get out a lot (that's the impression it gave me anyway)
consider getting out and involved in activities that you like where you might meet someone new.
I know what it's like to be so obsessive about such things.
Women can almost smell that desperation and drives them away so my recommendation is to go out looking for female friends first.
Perhaps try online dating with that emphasis... and be yourself so when you do find someone you like they're liking the real you and not the facade you put up.

 

[Undiagnosed]

First of all I have felt exactly that way. Like I could hardley stand the pain. Would have done almost anything to free myself form it. That was a LONG time like over 20 years ago. If I hadn't had a little baby to take care of I probaly would have done away with myself just to end the unbearable pain.
Beleive me it dose go away in time and when that time comes you will be glad u stock it out and survived,
I agree with jdaustin.... google free online dateing sites and at least that gives you some other people to talk to right now. And you never know where it will end up takeing you.
Stop talking to her and don't look at her picture.
And if a thought turns to her try to turn it to something else as quicklley as possable.
On some level she likes the fact that she has hurt you. It peobably gives her some type of power feeling. Otherwise she wouldn't be talking to you about such things as her sex life with the other guy. I mean if she really did want to be freinds with you it wouldnt be about that. She is not your friend. No reason to talk to her other than to remind your self of the hurt and that's the last thing you need.
Everything that will ever happen to you in your life will start with your thoughts and feelings.
What I am saying is that you are gonna have to figure out how to let go of you fear of being rejected or it is gonna happen to you over and over again in your life untill then. I am not saying it is an easy thing to do or that you can even know how to do it. I am just giveing you a heads up on how that works.
It takes a lot of healing, work, time and so on to let something like that go. Not something you are gonna wake up one day and do.
You are dealing with depression.Depression will twist the thoughts in your mind into something so much more terrable than it has to be.
I like to use hypnosis CD's when I really need to get my mind going in a better direction.
Don't know if u r on meds b, but it could help too.
I hope you come back on and comment so we know u r ok.