123Timmeti456
Active Member
Hi,
This is my first time posting, in any forum ever. I appreciate advice from anyone, as I do realize that a lot of what I am asking is very general, and not necessarily tied to his condition. English is not my first language, so sorry for any typos, and if any clarification is needed, please let me know. Thanks in advance to anyone that might have any advices for me.
I am a 24 year old NT woman, who met a 24 year old man with high functioning aspergers. He told me about his condition himself. I don't know when he was diagnosed, but he is very high-functioning. We dated for 6 months. I have to admit that I did not really do any research on his condition in the beginning, because the signs were totally absent for the first months. After roughly 3 months of him being extremely intense, I started to feel like he lost interest, but I never had the courage to confront him about it. We just stayed a little less in touch, and I usually initiated small-talk. He continued to ask if we should hang out, though. I did in no way think that this could be due to his condition. And I regret very much that I seem to have done my research far too late. He is a very kind, smart and interesting person. And he is the first person I have ever been in love with. So please be kind, this is extremely difficult for me, and I am somewhat desperate.
A week before the incident I am seeking advice for, we had an appointment to meet. He called me and told me he was tied up for work. He never stood me up during our relationship, but I had been feeling ignored for a long time, and I got mad and told him that I thought we should stop seeing each other. He sounded completely surprised, but we had a nice talk and wished each other well. I regretted this decision after a few days, and initiated contact again. At this point I had started to research his condition, and felt that I had been too harsh.
The advice I'm seeking is mainly tied to our real break-up, which occurred fairly recently. He had asked me over, and we had a really good time. I asked him about a girl I had seen him text several times, and he completely switched. (The girl turned out to be a friend, and I asked in a jokingly matter). He told me that I "had to stop being so in love with him" and that "we will never end up being in a serious relationship". I asked him why, and apparently that is because I did not want to move to his hometown (about 20 mins from my hometown). I reacted really strongly to this, first of all because we never really had a serious conversation about this, since we never really had a serious conversation about our relationship at all. We are both at fault here, I'm terrible at relationships. Anyways, I got really defensive and hurt, and told him that I was not in love with him, and that I could not understand why he made my feelings a problem. I never pushed our relationship in a more serious direction, because I honestly did not feel like it was ready for that myself. He told me at the same time that he wanted to continue the relation that we had, and that he wanted to see me again. He also used the previous "break up" against me. I was adamant to us continuing seeing each other, since I felt really sad. A month has passed, I have asked him how he is doing a few times, and he seems really happy when I contact him and makes a huge effort to keep the conversation going. But I am scared of being too pushy, and him being too polite to not answer me.
I really want to see him and explain myself, but I am extremely scared of a rejection. I am also scared of putting him in an uncomfortable position. And I honestly do not know what to do at this point. I really like this guy, and I feel like we never gave it a chance. If he does not want to continue the relationship, I at least want to offer him my friendship and my apologies. He expressed sadness that his previous relationships often ended without him realizing why, and I feel bad that this might be the case this time around as well. Please help, I feel lost.
I absolutely realize that aspergers is a spectrum, and that no one here is able to think for him. But I would love some possible insight into the thought process that might have occurred if anyone recognize themselves in this position. I really like this guy, and I feel guilty for a lot of the (several) reasons for the failure of this relationship. I feel particularly guilty for not doing more research of the condition, since I realize that I have interpreted some common traits (such as less contact than NT relationship, more need for structure++) as him being mean. I feel really awful, and I kind of want to meet him to try and explain myself, but I am scared of a rejection.
This is my first time posting, in any forum ever. I appreciate advice from anyone, as I do realize that a lot of what I am asking is very general, and not necessarily tied to his condition. English is not my first language, so sorry for any typos, and if any clarification is needed, please let me know. Thanks in advance to anyone that might have any advices for me.
I am a 24 year old NT woman, who met a 24 year old man with high functioning aspergers. He told me about his condition himself. I don't know when he was diagnosed, but he is very high-functioning. We dated for 6 months. I have to admit that I did not really do any research on his condition in the beginning, because the signs were totally absent for the first months. After roughly 3 months of him being extremely intense, I started to feel like he lost interest, but I never had the courage to confront him about it. We just stayed a little less in touch, and I usually initiated small-talk. He continued to ask if we should hang out, though. I did in no way think that this could be due to his condition. And I regret very much that I seem to have done my research far too late. He is a very kind, smart and interesting person. And he is the first person I have ever been in love with. So please be kind, this is extremely difficult for me, and I am somewhat desperate.
A week before the incident I am seeking advice for, we had an appointment to meet. He called me and told me he was tied up for work. He never stood me up during our relationship, but I had been feeling ignored for a long time, and I got mad and told him that I thought we should stop seeing each other. He sounded completely surprised, but we had a nice talk and wished each other well. I regretted this decision after a few days, and initiated contact again. At this point I had started to research his condition, and felt that I had been too harsh.
The advice I'm seeking is mainly tied to our real break-up, which occurred fairly recently. He had asked me over, and we had a really good time. I asked him about a girl I had seen him text several times, and he completely switched. (The girl turned out to be a friend, and I asked in a jokingly matter). He told me that I "had to stop being so in love with him" and that "we will never end up being in a serious relationship". I asked him why, and apparently that is because I did not want to move to his hometown (about 20 mins from my hometown). I reacted really strongly to this, first of all because we never really had a serious conversation about this, since we never really had a serious conversation about our relationship at all. We are both at fault here, I'm terrible at relationships. Anyways, I got really defensive and hurt, and told him that I was not in love with him, and that I could not understand why he made my feelings a problem. I never pushed our relationship in a more serious direction, because I honestly did not feel like it was ready for that myself. He told me at the same time that he wanted to continue the relation that we had, and that he wanted to see me again. He also used the previous "break up" against me. I was adamant to us continuing seeing each other, since I felt really sad. A month has passed, I have asked him how he is doing a few times, and he seems really happy when I contact him and makes a huge effort to keep the conversation going. But I am scared of being too pushy, and him being too polite to not answer me.
I really want to see him and explain myself, but I am extremely scared of a rejection. I am also scared of putting him in an uncomfortable position. And I honestly do not know what to do at this point. I really like this guy, and I feel like we never gave it a chance. If he does not want to continue the relationship, I at least want to offer him my friendship and my apologies. He expressed sadness that his previous relationships often ended without him realizing why, and I feel bad that this might be the case this time around as well. Please help, I feel lost.
I absolutely realize that aspergers is a spectrum, and that no one here is able to think for him. But I would love some possible insight into the thought process that might have occurred if anyone recognize themselves in this position. I really like this guy, and I feel guilty for a lot of the (several) reasons for the failure of this relationship. I feel particularly guilty for not doing more research of the condition, since I realize that I have interpreted some common traits (such as less contact than NT relationship, more need for structure++) as him being mean. I feel really awful, and I kind of want to meet him to try and explain myself, but I am scared of a rejection.
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