Adopted father has cancer, I'm not sad but I feel guilty

[Andie Kinney]

I found out that my adopted father has lymphoma and I don't feel sad. I was abused and have stopped talking to most of the adopted family. I didn't feel happy finding out but I wasn't sad either. I don't know if this is because of autism or trauma.

I do feel anxiety and guilt because I'm not sad and I'm worried I'll have a huge meltdown when he passes. I'm afraid I'm going to be overwhelmed with guilt because I wasn't in his life. I know I'm not in his life for my own safety but I still feel like I'm wrong.

I am going to see him next week, I haven't seen him in years. I'm afraid of the emotions hitting me when I need to keep it together. I don't want to show any emotion to my family and if I cry around them they will not react well.

 

[Peter Morrison]

I think you are dealing with your emotions intelligently. Seeing him is the right thing to do because the future always arrives. You are the better person for it.

 

[BraidedPony]

My mother was abusive and i dont really care if she dies or not and i no longer feel guilty about it. I stopped loving her a long time ago for my own sanity.
You don't owe an abusive parent anything.
Do you want to visit him next week, or are you doing it because you think you should?

 

[Andie Kinney]

My mother was abusive and i dont really care if she dies or not and i no longer feel guilty about it. I stopped loving her a long time ago for my own sanity.
You don't owe an abusive parent anything.
Do you want to visit him next week, or are you doing it because you think you should?

Thank you BraidedPony. Both of my adopted parents are abusive and most of my family is too, I am the favourite scapegoat. My younger sister told me they wear planning to visit him and ask if I wanted to go. I don't want to go but I don't feel like I could live with my self if I didn't go.

I visited my adopted my mother in the hospital when she was very ill (emphysema). She is more abusive than he is. I really didn't want to go but I felt guilty if I didn't.

I don't want to get pulled back into the family dynamic and have to re-experience being a scapegoat but I also feel like I still have a duty to the family. I'm going to my sister. if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't be going.

 

[paloftoon]

Some battles are not worth fighting, and this might be one of them. It might be a good idea to show up even if you're faking it. You can fake it less by keeping your distance, but communicating. Like no hugs, and keep your visit short. This is what I would recommend. It is probably both your autism and your trauma that make you not entirely care. You can't be blamed at all.

And no I wouldn't wish anything bad on him in particular, but you don't need to actually care in this kind of scenario either.

Just do what you need to do to minimize drama, stand up and respect yourself, and move on.

 

[Major Tom]

I'm in a similar situation with my biological father. I feel more empty than anything. Sorry that things went south, and hope that you can manage through somehow.

 

[Suzanne]

Father touched us ( 5) in ways that no father should ( sexual abuse is so heavily used that it lacks meaning) and I knew he was very ill and it was agreed amongst us siblings that it was due to guilt. Despite knowing how ill he was, I never went to see him, even when he was in a home. He developed meningitis in the brain and eventually died from something like that. But I did not even go to his funeral and according to a sister who I communicate with, it was a wise decision to make ( despite my other sister giving me a lot of back lash for not being human). Apparently birth "mother" stood there, as bold as brass and stated what a wonderful and loving father he was and this is her knowing what he did. My sister said it took all her courage to not stand and scream. (had it been me, I would have stood and screamed).

I found out from "mother's" very lips that she knew he had been touching us, because: at least it stopped him from demanding sex off me!

The same will happen, when she is on her death bed. I cannot stomach being in her company.

So, basically, it is only because we are decent human beings, that it effects us, even when we are innocent.

You do not owe him anything, unless he apologies and you detect sincerity.

 

[GadAbout]

If we feel strong enough, it is a statement of our humanity to be kind and respectful to the weak and elderly. But if we do not feel strong enough, it is not a sign of moral weakness.

If the elderly relative knows you have antipathy to them, your visit will not make them feel good; it might even be punishing to them. But "I'm better than that" is a good way to approach these situations, if we decide to approach them at all.