Abandoned by AS boyfriend, is this common??

[Hanna fowler]

Not a guy, but this sounds like something I would do.
My husband needs more intimacy that I want to give (I don't mean sex - kisses and cuddles etc.) I do it because I love him. But if it were a newer relationship, I would probably react the same. When someone says or does something that shows me how different I am - it kills any bit of caring I have for them. Then I run away and never look back. I did this a lot before my husband.

As for lack of affection - it's not because I don't feel. It's because I can't connect how I feel to how I act. If I love someone, I stare at them. If I want them sexually, I'm more likely to do me while thinking about them than actually being intimate with them. If I'm angry with someone, I hit myself in the head, if I'm sad, I hurt myself.

Hope this helps.

Thank you for the reply and yes it does help. And excuse any of my ignorance when it comes to this subject but I am just trying to understand better. When you said it kills any bit of caring you had for them...what happen? does it just disappear? Did you find it easy to fall out of love? This man was telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me one day and then boom gone without a word. So im curious if he just as quickly stopped caring and loving me.

 

[Hanna fowler]

Thanks everybody, for this frank discussion. It has been very informative and helpful for me. I suppose I have gone through relationships with a lot of NTs like a buzz saw. This was before I knew much about what Autism and Aspergers were, let alone that I might be an Aspie.

Some of those NT guys accused me of being cold and/or heartless. I knew that was not true, but what was happening often mystified me.

I seem to have been acting like some of you guys did. Lol.

I knew a long time ago that something was different about me from most other people, but I did not realize that how I think, feel, and handle emotions was part of that difference. I just assumed that we felt the same, but just talked about it differently.

This has given me a whole lot of good stuff to think about and is likely to help me a lot in relationships.

Thank you for your reply and im glad this post is helping you. I did accuse him of being cold and heartless after the fact he ghosted me because thats how it feels to me, its hard for me to understand as an NT how someone can do that and not know how bad it hurts, and I even told him I was devastated and still nothing.

 

[Keigan]

When questioned, the questioning can kill any energy applied towards caring. Far too often, we have to monitor and push forward energy to support that which comes naturally for others, that push forward of energy is delicate balance.

 

[Hanna fowler]

When questioned, the questioning can kill any energy applied towards caring. Far too often, we have to monitor and push forward energy to support that which comes naturally for others, that push forward of energy is delicate balance.

I guess I questioned too much and it frustrated him and now the care is gone. Its sad and it hurts but at least I understand a bit more. Thank you.

 

[Keigan]

I guess I questioned too much and it frustrated him and now the care is gone. Its sad and it hurts but at least I understand a bit more. Thank you.

There is no blame here, it is what it is. The best outcome is a raised awareness for yourself and everyone who is reading the thread.

 

[AshleyDS]

Thank you for the reply and yes it does help. And excuse any of my ignorance when it comes to this subject but I am just trying to understand better. When you said it kills any bit of caring you had for them...what happen? does it just disappear? Did you find it easy to fall out of love? This man was telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me one day and then boom gone without a word. So im curious if he just as quickly stopped caring and loving me.

It's almost like a wall comes up in my head and gets rid of the love I had. It projects itself forward and backward, making me question if I ever did have feelings for the person in the first place.

 

[Bolletje]

Being abruptly abandoned by a partner happens, whether the partner is on the spectrum or not. I've been ghosted by quite a few NT people just the same way.

 

[Inator]

EDIT: Nevermind, nerve hit. Trash please.

 

[Ylva]

Everything we do is informed by our autism, that being how our nervous system is "shaped" and all… but very few of our actions are directly caused by our autism. Autistics do normal stuff and get pathologized for it. How would you have interpreted these actions from an allistic/non-autistic man? Would there still be many possible explanations? Maybe if you text him again you should focus on his feelings instead of yours? I don't know.

 

[Momo]

Doesn't say und too uncommon, autistic people do struggle with intimacy (I know I do). It can take a while before we work up the courage to go further, it seems to me your man has been scared off... Sorry.

 

[Hanna fowler]

Everything we do is informed by our autism, that being how our nervous system is "shaped" and all… but very few of our actions are directly caused by our autism. Autistics do normal stuff and get pathologized for it. How would you have interpreted these actions from an allistic/non-autistic man? Would there still be many possible explanations? Maybe if you text him again you should focus on his feelings instead of yours? I don't know.

I am in no way trying to offend anyone or be ignorant on the matter. I am just not informed and I am trying to understand better I guess. I guess If it were coming from a non-autistic man I would probably just assume he was a selfish cold jerk to be completely honest. I am terrified to text him again in fear of that rejection and feelings of him still not caring enough to reply. In the last text I pretty much said I thought we were in love and I thought we had something special and I didnt understand how that could just vanish so fast.

 

[Hanna fowler]

Doesn't say und too uncommon, autistic people do struggle with intimacy (I know I do). It can take a while before we work up the courage to go further, it seems to me your man has been scared off... Sorry.

Yes I can see now how I scared him off. I didnt mean to : ( I am not trying to sound insensitive or offensive but I have never dated someone AS, so I should have educated myself more. Too late now though.

 

[tee]

I guess I questioned too much and it frustrated him and now the care is gone. Its sad and it hurts but at least I understand a bit more. Thank you.

Yes I can see now how I scared him off. I didnt mean to : ( I am not trying to sound insensitive or offensive but I have never dated someone AS, so I should have educated myself more. Too late now though.

I don't think you should have to feel like you should have "educated yourself" or done anything differently. Maybe he deserves some understanding and even sympathy if his struggles with AS led him to behave the way he did, but it doesn't mean it was ok or excusable. He treated you poorly leaving you the way he did and you were the victim. Hopefully he feels guilt and can learn from his mistakes, but that's out of your control. In my opinion he has a responsibility at the very least to reach out and show you some remorse.

 

[tee]

Did you find it easy to fall out of love?

This wasn't directed at me, but in my experience, I'm a little ashamed to admit, I felt a lot of relief when I broke up with my girlfriend. I think I mentioned a big part of it was feeling like I was powerless and always trying to figure out what to say and do in response to her cues and not being able to just express myself honestly, and removing myself from it was a big weight off in a way. My sense from your descriptions of how suddenly he cut himself off is that he probably feels a relief like that or something. But I still loved her, and years later I still think about her a lot and feel that love. So for me at least I never really fell out of love completely and it can be kind of painful.

 

[Hanna fowler]

I don't think you should have to feel like you should have "educated yourself" or done anything differently. Maybe he deserves some understanding and even sympathy if his struggles with AS led him to behave the way he did, but it doesn't mean it was ok or excusable. He treated you poorly leaving you the way he did and you were the victim. Hopefully he feels guilt and can learn from his mistakes, but that's out of your control. In my opinion he has a responsibility at the very least to reach out and show you some remorse.

I agree that he does have a responsibility to reach out especially since we had all these plans for the near future, but I know deep down I will probably never hear from him again, and that is very painful, but like you said I have no control over it. But yes I do have some sympathy for him if he is struggling, as bad as he hurt me I still care.

 

[Hanna fowler]

This wasn't directed at me, but in my experience, I'm a little ashamed to admit, I felt a lot of relief when I broke up with my girlfriend. I think I mentioned a big part of it was feeling like I was powerless and always trying to figure out what to say and do in response to her cues and not being able to just express myself honestly, and removing myself from it was a big weight off in a way. My sense from your descriptions of how suddenly he cut himself off is that he probably feels a relief like that or something. But I still loved her, and years later I still think about her a lot and feel that love. So for me at least I never really fell out of love completely and it can be kind of painful.

Yes, I can see how he would feel relieved in a sense. He was telling me that he was annoyed and frustrated when I was expressing to him how I was struggling with not knowing where we stood. It would be nice to know at least if he still loved and cared for me since right now it feels like he doesn't at all, but that is something I will never know and I feel deep down he will never give me closure.

 

[Judge]

Yes, I can see how he would feel relieved in a sense. He was telling me that he was annoyed and frustrated when I was expressing to him how I was struggling with not knowing where we stood. It would be nice to know at least if he still loved and cared for me since right now it feels like he doesn't at all, but that is something I will never know and I feel deep down he will never give me closure.

Perhaps all you can take away from such an experience is that it was likely most about him, and perhaps not at all about you. That he simply could not process emotions you may take for granted. Sadly the truth is that mixed relationships between Aspies and NTs are simply not for everyone. A social dynamic I know firsthand.

 

[Hanna fowler]

Perhaps all you can take away from such an experience is that it was likely most about him, and perhaps not at all about you. That he simply could not process emotions you may take for granted. Sadly the truth is that mixed relationships between Aspies and NTs are simply not for everyone. A social dynamic I know firsthand.

Thank you so much for all of your input. It has been 6 days since I last heard from him and I know deep down in my heart I wont ever. He shut me out completely and I'm sure has moved on. He did delete me off of his instagram that day I last heard from him, but not off of snap chat and just watched my story today. I'm sure it means nothing, but he is at least still curious about me. Either way its clearly over and he has erased me from him life. I walk away from this hurt but also more knowledgeable, so I guess its not a complete loss.

 

[Ocarina]

There is often a black or white element in Aspie thinking ( this is speaking for myself at least) - this sometimes plays out as relationships being all good until - well, until they are not and at that point they become all bad.
I think a lot of us are intensely sensitive to criticism in a way that a NT might find it difficult to comprehend, but even the constructive discussion that is part of a healthy relationship can seem like an unbearable emotional pressure. This doesn't sit well in intimate relationships since reciprocity, being able to tolerate conflict and work past it are key indicators of the health of the partnership.
I have been in a six year relationship with a HFA man - having been uber accepting for the most part, there came a time when I was under some intense personal pressure and asked him for support - at this point he was drinking heavily and just had nothing to give - he effectively disappeared and whilst it was very painful and difficult for me - it did help me to accept that I deserved more, that he would never be able to be present for me, that there would always be a lack of balance in our relationship.
Perhaps with time you too will be able to see that it was for the best - that he wasn't able to be the person you need and deserve. Maybe better to find this out now than years down the line.

 

[Ambi]

Hello everyone. I am a 33 y/o Female NT recently in a 4 month relationship with a 33 y/o Male AS. It started out very full on, after 3 weeks he told me he was madly in love with me and shortly after said he was gonna marry me one day and that I was his everything. We were even planning on moving in together after around 9 months of being together. We talked weddings and future children and him being the stepdad to my daughter.

Everything was great until I started bringing to his attention that the lack of affection (which was really none at all) was bothering me. He said he would try harder but it never happened so I brought it up again. That time he noticeably was getting annoyed and tried to turn it around on me saying I was too needy, he was not nice about it.

Shortly after that he got very frustrated with me when I accused him of only wanting to see me when he needed his laundry done and needed a ride to the store. Things went very quickly down hill from there and long story short he abruptly stopped talking to me all together, wouldn't respond to my texts even when i was pouring my heart out saying how devastated I was that he completely just abandoned me. Still no response and it has really broken me.

Is this common for someone with AS to do? I am so confused in thinking did he even really ever love me? Did I ever mean that much to him? Cause if I did how could he do this to me? I would love some advice and help on this!

Dear Hanna, I don't want to come off as insensitive. I say that, because I have been accused of that, even though I am just trying to help. I personally do not think that you can truly grow to love someone within 3 weeks - "in love", of course, is different - that can happen on sight. You may indeed have been his "everything" at the time in the sense that he really wanted a girlfriend and you fit that bill at that time - but then as time went on he actually got to glimpse more of who you really are - your needs, your traits, etc. At that point, I'm assuming you - I mean specifically you - were no longer his "everything". Yes, perhaps he really, really wants a girlfriend - but he must have realized this relationship was not what he had predicted/expected. I think it was unrealistic of him to make such a claim, "you are my everything" before he got to know you! If he truly loved you - real love - he wouldn't have just criticized your needs and abandoned you. But that's no fault of your own - there just wasn't even enough time for him to develop true love - and frankly, he decided he wasn't going to stick around because it wasn't a good match. I think your needs are valid, of course - and it doesn't sound like he knew how to meet them. He may not even have the self-awareness yet to realize that. I am sorry that you feel so broken - abandonment can be so very traumatic! I know from experience. My advice to you is that you've got to just move on. The trauma and confusion from the abandonment is hard to deal with and can often set you up for this emotional vortex where you still long for this person, or may put up with them blowing hot and cold.....but it's a very toxic path, imho, based on years of experience of that. As you are left wondering what happened, my guess is possibly he was just overwhelmed, didn't know how to adjust/respond, didn't have the energy or will to deal with the situation, so he just cuts it off and ignores it. What he is doing right now states loudly and clearly the limits of his capacity to navigate difficulties in a relationship. He may also be quite embarassed about the failure of the relationship after he was so enthused - perhaps he will learn to be less idealistic/unrealistic next time. If he had put this relationship, and you, on a pedestal, then I hope he learns to not do that again - that doesn't do anyone any favors. I hope you will learn to move on sooner rather than later and meet someone who truly loves you!