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Online dating

By Onna · Nov 2, 2018 · ·
Categories:
  1. I have had romantic relationships since I was 18, I’m 31 now. I finished a long relationship a while ago and had been happily single.

    I was diagnosed with Aspergers 4 months ago, I’ve been enjoying the liberation it feels to understanding yourself better. I’ve been feeling positive and relieved.

    I’ve started to miss male company, so have started online dating.
    I started chatting with someone, we exchanged messages regularly for a few weeks and was discussing where to meet and when. He liked me, he put a kiss at the end of his message. We talked about astrology, the towns/cities we lived in, our careers etc.
    Only we ended up not meeting... I messed it up. I told him I had Aspergers.

    It didn’t go down well. He went silent. In the ‘coming out message’ I had been casual, told him a few facts about it. I told him the most respectful thing he could do if he wasn’t interested anymore, would be to say so rather than just disappearing.
    He left it a couple of days and finally messaged saying “thanks for your honesty, but I’ll have to say no, take care”.

    I felt shocked. I had been dating successfully since aged 18. The men I had dated had always liked that I was honest, an independent thinker, down to earth, kind, and slightly ‘different’.
    Stick a label on that and suddenly you’re not any of those things anymore... you’re just weird, scary, flawed, I assume.

    I felt gutted, sad, confused, angry, degraded, embarrassed. All the emotions came over a few days, sometimes all at once, but mostly in stages. I tried to reflect, but my thoughts and feelings felt too muddled to organise.
    I made just one big decision, and that was obviously to not tell anyone again, until I’m certain they’ll understand what it means.

    Anyway, I decided to message back. Initially I was angry and insulted, I wanted to tell him off. But at the same time, I was also aware that he now sees me as fragmented, and so I had to fight my urges to rant at him, because no matter what I say to him now, I’m sure he’s going to see it as weird even if it isn’t. And I just couldn’t bare further embarrassment.

    I stayed as rational as possible, I suppressed my emotions, distanced myself from them for a moment and replied: “you did the right thing by replying, so good on you for that”.

    He’s studying to be a counselor, and the aspie in me couldn’t resist educating him, so a few days later I sent him a link to a great video on YouTube of two women with Aspergers, who describe what it’s like to have it. I told him it’s not weird or scary.

    He didn’t reply. But I had started to feel a little better. I started to see it from his point of view, and I realise it was a mistake telling him.
    That doesn’t stop me from feeling unfairly treated though, by society I guess. Not him individually, for he’s just a number in a crowd. He didn’t get to know me because the label was too much for him to bare. The label has many negativities attached to it, because when learning about autism, the focus is zoomed in only on our difficulties. You’re not learning the positives, or in many cases the whole picture. They don’t tell you a lot of us drive, go to university, have successful careers, raise children, get married even to non autistic people, sometimes non autistic people aren’t even aware that they’re married and/or in love with someone on the spectrum. At the same time, just like non autistics, some of us have greater difficulties than others, in terms of abilities and restrictions.

    I’ve wondered how it made him feel. All the time he thought he was attracted to a ‘normal’ woman, turns out he was actually talking to someone he perceives as unworthy, unattractive. How did he feel afterwards? Did it make him question himself?

    Like most situations in my life when I’m kicked down, it hurts like hell. But then that fades, and I accept it for what it is. I think about it until I’m wiser and more equipped for the future.

    I want to explain to non autistics, that the view you have of us is flawed. We’re very much like you, just slightly different. One is an Xbox 360 and one is a PS3. And the only reason you’re scared of us is because you don’t understand how we work. If there was more of us than there is of you... you’d be the ‘weirdos’. Except an autistic probably wouldn’t let you feel that way. They’d probably be intrigued, curious about how you work, enthusiastic about your skills, and welcoming.

    About Author

    Onna
    Female. 31. Newly diagnosed. INFJ. Single. Lost. Reflective. Observant. Interests in human behaviour, world peace, civility, animals, environment, the benefits of autism, the importance of raising healthy minds in children.
    Autistamatic, Otenba and tree like this.

Comments

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  1. Shamar
    You are newly diagnosed. You will realize certain aspects of your life will finally make sense. You will get answers from your counselor and attempts at guidance, but unless your counselor has autism there will be minimal guidance and understanding. Autism has to be experienced to be truly understood. You will find the best guidance and understanding here, shared among us.

    I would like to help with your romantic problems, but unfortunately I have a form of autism that makes understanding human interaction nearly impossible. Best of luck in your search.
      Onna likes this.
    1. Onna
      You’re so kind, thank you. You are completely right “autism has to be experienced to be understood” it’s like a whole other world, complex, raw, genuine and mostly kind, we don’t get enough recognition of our positive traits in my opinion.
      I’m grateful for finding this site, I don’t feel so alone on here, It feels like I’ve reconnected with long lost family or something:)
  2. TheFreeCat
    Maybe date only other Aspies? They would love and understand the oddities, I would think. I don't know.
      Onna likes this.
    1. Onna
      Thanks for commenting. I’m definitely open to dating other Aspies. The only issue there is meeting other Aspies in my area. My town is so small and quite rural lol, and I don’t drive.
      It’s tough being single at 31, and having been newly diagnosed. It’s a good eye opener to myself though, and why my past relationships might not have worked out... so there are positives :)
      TheFreeCat likes this.
    2. Scott Davidsen
      I'm an Aspie who is a 54-year old, and have never married. There is a 23-year difference in age, but at the least, we could become good friends. I live in a city which has a population around 125,000. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in 2013. I've only had 1 girlfriend, and haven't dated a woman in a ling time. Anyway, I would like to learn more about you. Feel free to respond if you wish. :)
    3. Onna
      That’s very sweet Scott, thanks. That’s the best thing about this site, we can follow and share each other’s experiences and make new friends.
  3. Autistamatic
    Excellent blog :)
    Prior to meeting my wife I had only once shared with a girlfriend that I was AS and she more or less worked it out for herself.
    My wife is the first woman I've been romantically involved with that has known from almost the start of our relationship. I knew that she woudn't be afraid of it because of what she'd already told me about herself.
    I think you're right to keep your AS to yourself until you at least have bonded with someone on a more than peripheral level. It's sad we have to think that way though.
      Onna likes this.
    1. Onna
      Thanks for sharing. It seems you’re a good judge of character.
      I need to do some soul searching I think.