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New Round

Fairly tired today, I'm on a new round at work. A new area and clients always causes a degree of nervousness. But my anxiety for these new rounds has steadily declined. fact, there was only one location where I had high anxiety before starting, and it turned out to be a lovely round. Being worried about something new is understandable, especially in a people facing role where you're in their house and responsible for their care and wellbeing. Truth be told, this round is full of pleasant people too.

In fact, none of the rounds are particularly taxing, other than double ups which tend to be very long. But waking up 5 or 6 times last night really messed up my energy levels this morning. At least it's a late start - 8am, and I'm at the same place tomorrow, so I can get 3 or 4 hours free time when I get home.

Before my 2 days off I picked up weed off my friend. I made it to about 11 weeks weed free, but living sober still isn't for me right now. I opened the box with therapy - past traumas and detritus, but couldn't afford to keep up the sessions with my therapists. I opened Pandora's Box, and now I don't have the money to close it. I must admit, when I had a smoke at the end of the garden in the small, sheltered bench, it made me feel fondly nostalgic and content. It's a beautiful, peaceful place to sit. If not for my mother's nosey nature and intense glares and emotional instability. One of the big reliefs once the van is done is to be away from her prying eyes. It always makes me feel uncomfortable.

So I did 11 weeks weed free, and it didn't really add anything. I wasn't more productive at all. In fact I used to cycle and walk more when I smoked to get me out of the house etc. I still struggled with loneliness and depression on my days off when sober, and the raw reality of emotions when sober is something that makes me miss the anaesthetic quality of weed. On my first day off I felt like the "Happy stoner" again. In that I was positive throughout the day, microdosed with a couple of very small joints and had no negative issues or symptoms with being stoned. The second day off I smoked a little more, but still putting in tiny amounts. I enjoyed a morning at the library, then I visited work, had my first appraisel, then went home and games and chilled out. A nice day all in all.

The improvement in mood and outlook with weed could potentially be because the new job has provided more life satisfaction and equilibrium of sorts. It's brought me out of my shell socially, and it's very engaging work. Perhaps being happier in myself means I'm not really wanting to numb everything out with weed. So it's use has gone back to the early days of weed - simply letting it be what it is; an amplifier of all things. Making food, music, gaming, conversation and drawing more enjoyable.

It was coming up to a month since I saw the last escort, and I was feeling the desire to meet her again. When I looked up her profile it said she'd moved all the way up to Scotland. My heart sank a little, as last month's meet was very pleasant, and we connected well on an intimate level. So I had a browse, as I often do, and I found a Scottish woman who tours the UK. She actually lives in the neighbouring county, and I'd seen her profile a few times when she was touring locally to me. She seemed like a genuinely nice person, and so I followed my gut. I text her that morning, and she replied a few minutes later asking me to call her. We had a nice conversation and she was very informative, helpful and had a wonderful Glaswegian accent.

We met at 12:00 on the same day. She was staying in an apartment block that was brand new. There was still renovation work going on in the lobby and every corridor and hallway. When I got upstairs and turned to look down the corridor I saw her head peaking gingerly out of the door. Now, everyone goes mad with selfie filters in this day and age, and perhaps none moreso than the escort community. That aside, she was actually quite pretty. She had blue eyes, blonde curly hair and possibly the softest skin I've ever touched.

My inclinations were correct; she was lovely, kind, intelligent and also spiritual. We had fabulous conversations throughout - even during, which is new for me. But in all honesty it was quite refreshing being able to communicate throughout. There was also laughter, numerous agreements on beliefs about a whole host of subject matter. The intimacy was wonderful too, and without being prompted by her, she was vocal in telling me I was doing a lot of things instinctively that she really enjoyed.

It was a wonderful connection. Towards the end of the 90 minute visit she told me that I was one of the nicest people she's ever met. This is a compliment I've heard a lot in my life, but I'm never sure how to process it. It makes me squirm a little, truth be told. As a people pleaser it should be a clear indication I've honed my craft well. But in terms of my genuine beliefs regarding myself; I'm filled with doubts when people bestow me with such a lofty compliment. Still, as a woman who's met a lot of people, and known many people intimately - I think she's a fair judge of character. In fact she went into detail about just how many people she blocks and denies meets with. In fact, it's most people. She goes with her gut and her inclinations and reads vibes off people almost instantly.

I mean, it's good to be the "nice guy" and to be called one of the nicest guys should make me feel very happy, but it never sits right with me. I just wish I was the nice guy to myself in my own company. It's just so much easier defaulting to feeling good in myself by making other people happy. But that's a long term behaviour since I was a child, and it's sometimes exhausting now that I'm 37. Mind you, care work is the perfect career for a people pleaser. Perhaps once I can afford therapy again we can close the lid on Pandora's Box and help me to develop a healthier relationship with myself that isn't so reliant on placating others.

The escort agreed with my desire to remain single, and occasionally see an escort to fulfill my needs for intimacy. The conversation remains very important too. The chemicals released during and after sex are very powerful, therapeutic and make for very open and deep conversations afterwards. It's clear we'll meet again in the future, but she reminded me not too soon. Which is true - too much of a good thing and all. In reality I need to go another month or 2 without just to put more money into the van.

An escort does keep things simple in my mind though. I can't do friends with benefits, as I blur the boundaries between friend and girlfriend. I can't afford the emotional, financial and time drain that a relationship involves. Whilst the company, memories, intimacy etc. are lovely - it also amps up my anxiety, social exhaustion and depression. For me, it's a lot simpler to know that once every month or two, I can pay to see someone - I know what will happen, I know it's a business transaction, and yet I also know that my persona receives a lot of praise. So, not only is it a pleasurable encounter, but it's a refreshing change of pace for the escorts I've met, as I'm not like any of their regular clientel.

The van is in the paint shop. Probably get it back in a few weeks time. I will be broke until November I fear. Gas installation for the cooker, and purchasing a mattress could end up delayed until November too.

Mind you, this is a long term project, and I'm not cutting any corners to save money. Whatever needs doing will be done, and what I purchase is always of a high quality. I know plenty of van-lifers have a DIY or upcycling mentality towards it. For me, I want high-end, and things that suit my personality; which is one that has very expensive tastes. I always have preferred quality to quantity when it comes to things I own. The van will be minimalist, but highly functional. Built to last - and not in the same vein as the many of the ramshackle van projects I've seen littering the forums, groups and online world.

Right, time to head back to do the lunch calls. Another 2.5 hours and then another 90 minute break after. It's only 17 min drive so I'm heading home on my breaks today. Tomorrow the library is open in the town I'm working in, so I can stay in the area.

EDIT - Lunch calls went well, in fact the last client refused all care as they wanted a nap. So I get an extra 20 mins for lunch. Back home. Feeling very tired, so I'm sure I'll sleep well tonight. All the waking up during the night really has exhausted me though. But I'm determined to give myself a couple of hours to myself this evening to game and maybe have a small smoke. This tiredness is brutal though. I'm glad it's such a pleasant round though. Everybody is very nice. One couple have a Staffie dog. A big barrel of a thing. Lovely temperament though, and a lovely couple too.

Ed

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Author
Raggamuffin
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