Living in Fear and the folly of squashing humanity

I am realizing that my issues with growing up involve a severe case of living in fear. And a compounding issue of self-hatred, along with a delusional belief of others being out to get me. Creating resentment and fear of others.

In this. I have found that being profoundly uncomfortable and unsure are distressing issues to me. Feeling a certain way is distressing to me. Thinking about anything results in second thoughts and intense self-doubts.

I realize that I am intentionally trying to squash my humanity. Believing I am defective. That I shouldn't feel a certain way. Think a certain way. And definately shouldn't be uncomfortable and/or unsure AT ALL.

But this is denying me as a person. This is denying my humanity. This is me believing I am not good enough. This is me trying to create some identity that isn't me. Only confusing me further and driving me deeper in the hole.

ASD or not. I am NOT defective. I am NOT worthless. I am NOT wasted life.

There is too much of this in the world and I am starting to see how much I have surrounded myself with this endless 'victum mentality' BS.

I realize others are still in the deep struggle stage, like I've been. I am promising myself to be patient with those people, and help ease thier. But I will not absorb myself in thier misery. I've lived too long in it.