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conversation killer

By s704m · Mar 15, 2020 · ·
  1. i still have an amazing/unwitting ability to kill conversations -- in forums, in rooms, in text groups, chatrooms, anywhere i go.
    sometimes i do this before the conversation has even started. on a popular messaging app, where there were various conversations going on in one thread, i decided to say hello, and contribute to the conversation .... and everything just died. (((crickets)))
    my other special talent in conversations is that i have the ability to be "stepped over" or "stepped around" in conversations -- meaning i'll contribute to a conversation, ON-TOPIC I might add, and either it is completely ignored, or someone will respond with something akin to "yeah, okay, whatever, cool story bro" and keep going. or people just start talking over me as though i weren't there, or was not speaking.

    these recurring experiences lead to me to conclude -- why keep trying to socialize or interact with people? I do attempt, and i keep my comments on-topic, polite, and appropriate to the conversations. they are not private conversations. sometimes they are group discussions in class that i am supposed to be participating in. same result each time.
    then people wonder why i don't talk, and sometimes it is completely impossible for me to interact with people.

    When i ask people if i am speaking inappropriately, nor suggest that maybe i should not participate, i am met with the usual advice, "why? just be yourself!" being myself ends up with me being alone and with no friends -- which is the same result as me just doing my own thing with far less humiliation and feeling like a freak. except that i'm too normal for the deliberately freakish.

    treat a person like they don't exist, like they are a freak, like they don't matter, like they are invisible -- often enough -- what do you think will happen? in my case, i'm going to just go my own way, and not try to fit in anymore. it hasn't gotten me anywhere but frustrated, and i prefer my own interests to being with people who think they're too cool to hang out with me.
    Yeshuasdaughter likes this.

Comments

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  1. s704m
    I've also noticed that I tend to be solution-oriented but most NT's seem to prefer complaining or endlessly talking circles around a situation. To me this is a waste of time and energy. So I show up, explain and summarize a solution, and silence falls -- or they complain around me! I am learning that my time is better spent elsewhere, and less frustrating too!
      Yeshuasdaughter likes this.
  2. ✨Rosita
    It happens, just wait till spoken too, lol :sweatsmile:
  3. Mindf'Elle'ness
    I'm the same way and I can't explain it. And most people don't think they are capable enough to put it into words how exactly you are bringing the conversation down. Is it body language? Not enough 'active' listening? Knowing your lifestyle and beliefs ahead of time and knowing that you really don't know what you're talking about?
    I also stopped years ago trying to be a 'thing' in a social context. I get exhausted trying to concentrate on a conversation in a crowd so I quietly disappear. No harm done. I know I can come back to the group anytime and try again. I am known as the quiet one at work, and at least one person has told me that she trusts me because she knows that if she tells me something in confidence that I'm not going to blab it around.
    So I can't help you except to say, that for us Aspie's, it's our 'normal'. So...Keep Calm and Carry On!
      s704m likes this.
  4. Aspychata
    I get wrapped up in the msg instead of the intent so not quite a conversational killer, but a unintentional didn't pay attention to what your intent was. Just happened today to me.
      s704m and Yeshuasdaughter like this.
  5. Au Naturel
    Yeah. "Just be yourself!" doesn't work if nobody is interested. Being ignored and talked over has to do with a lack of status, not a lack of something useful to say. Conversations are never really about transferring information, even if it is about a topic one has a lot of knowledge about. They are for socialization first.

    Sometimes I have to be very calculating in what I say and when. Otherwise, it gets ignored. I am at a loss for conversational give and take. I've found that essays are where I communicate best.
      Aspychata and s704m like this.
  6. Yeshuasdaughter
    Oh I hear ya buddy. Must be an aspie thing. I have been thrown out of two facebook groups that are for cancer patients.

    Not for trolling or anything. I was quite polite. But I guess the questions I was asking sounded like I was joking. But I was serious.

    Fist bump for conversation killers :)
    1. s704m
      thank you :) fist bump back