Wish I had never been born.

[Aspieistj]

I have to admit I do have another problem-- prosopagnosia (face blindness) along with AS, and I wish I had never been born because I am sick of always being odd, different, weird, annoying, considered stupid, etc. Does anyone else here also wish he/she had never been born? I know I am lucky not to be blind, deaf, or in a wheelchair, but the constant and lifelong criticism from those who consider themselves "normal" has made it all not worthwhile to me. If I had never been born I would not be able to miss anything and, most of all, I wouldn't be hurting and an alien in a hostile environment. Don't worry, I am almost 70, have been depressed most of my life, and haven't killed myself yet. I have responsibilities to my pets and it is possible one of my kids would honestly miss me. I have seen a great counselor when I was working and had great insurance and I wish I could afford counseling again. Not going to happen on my retiree's income. Medicare won't pay until I am certifiably nuts.

 

[nowwhat]

II wish I had never been born because I am sick of always being odd, different, weird, annoying, considered stupid, etc. Does anyone else here also wish he/she had never been born? I know I am lucky not to be blind, deaf, or in a wheelchair, but the constant and lifelong criticism from those who consider themselves "normal" has made it all not worthwhile to me. If I had never been born I would not be able to miss anything and, most of all, I wouldn't be hurting and an alien in a hostile environment. Don't worry, I am almost 70, have been depressed most of my life, and haven't killed myself yet. I have responsibilities to my pets and it is possible one of my kids would honestly miss me. I have seen a great counselor when I was working and had great insurance and I wish I could afford counseling again. Not going to happen on my retiree's income. Medicare won't pay until I am certifiably nuts.

Welcome to the club. Oh, I know exactly what you mean. But, here we are. I honestly hope I don't live anywhere near that long. I'd be quite happy if I kicked off this week. I don't see things getting any better, and at 48, I'm quite tired of exactly the sort of life you describe. Have you considered acting more nutso? You seem intelligent enough to do a convincing job, Just saying....

 

[Ereth]

Faking a deeper problem won't get him anywhere . . . but I understand the frustration. I've had that same wish sometimes, but at those points, people who care about me have pulled me from the abyss.

Eventually I decided that I've been through too much to feel that way. I feel I've contributed something good, however small, to the world, and I'm sure you have, too. Try to focus on that.

 

[Spinning Compass]

Yes, there are times when I honestly do wish I had never been born, or at least euthanized humanely as a young child instead of having to go through life feeling guilty because I ruined others' lives (mainly my family's) due to meltdowns, etc. When words like "inconvenience", "disruptive", "problem" are tossed around, when a child hears that they are responsible for frustrating another's dreams, sometimes I think that is much more crueler than simply putting the child "to sleep" as horrible as that sounds. And children--especially sensitive children--pick up on the vibes around them. They hear what is said and also what is not said. It doesn't matter that the parents did not intend for the child to get this impression, if they are using negative words to and about that child more often than positive, encouraging ones, that is exactly the impression the child will get simply because the child is not capable of making any other conclusion. Parents, you need to be aware of what you are saying to and about your children, and you need to listen to your children when they are trying to tell you that you are stepping on their souls.

 

[grommet]

What to say? I have felt that way. The world is a very confusing place for a person on the spectrum and it doesn't seem to get easier which, confuses me even more. It's been a tough week learning again and harshly that the world isn't what I thought it was but my girlfriend has helped a lot. She helped teach me that people think differently. I don't understand their thinking - it makes no sense to me, but accepting that people look at the same things I do but think differently about them does help me make some sense. By the way I have prosopagnosia too and I use a wheelchair. Only things in life that really make me happy are my girlfriend and, things. I prefer objects to people and I make friends with many of them. It's one way of course but I find my relationships with machines make more sense, are always fair and don't disappointment me. I've gone back and forth on the "wish I had never been born" thought but it seems to me I am depressed when I think that or maybe just overwhelmed trying to make sense of things. It's no easy thing being aspie.

 

[AutisticallyInclined]

I know it's unlikely you'll find solace in this but - I think heaven is real but you must be guided to get there. In other words, let God decide when you are intended to die, not you. I know you said you weren't suicidal but I really just wanted you to know that.

I'm sorry you feel that way, btw.

I guess my advice would be the Buddhist advice of suffering is caused by desire. maybe go off and live on a farm somewhere beautiful and appreciate nature and solitude. or maybe I'm just projecting my own idealistic fantasies here. o well.

 

[whatJimhasbecome]

That's a wish that can't come true. You can spend another 70 years wishing but it would be as useless as licking your door in hopes that it makes the traffic implode Tuesday forward. Life is weird. Can't take it in stride, like everyone says. It is odd how the body gives out. I'm 31 and my back is a wreck. I have chronic tinnitus. My only passion in life is music and the more I listen, the louder the tinnitus gets. The more I sing, the more I play guitar....the tinnitus gets louder. I have to have people repeat things over and over. It causes headaches. Bad ones. I get migraines occasionally. It's almost cruel. Like how Beethoven went deaf. It's the kind of stuff that makes you question the big questions and most of them are unanswerable...so I doubt they are questions, really. More like conundrums. What is death. No question mark. Maybe I'm just an optimist when I can but there are things in life that entertain me on a deep enough level that it gives me a reason to put off death for a while. Then I realize that if it was that important, I wouldn't put it off. The paradox I find myself in is reason enough to just keep keepin on. Most people leave death up to chance. Most don't tempt it. There are only a handful of true dare-devils on Earth. Philosophically, it's quite the conundrum. Should we accept that suicide is taboo and wrong just because They say so? I hear they fine people in some places if you attempt suicide and fail. That's preposterous and it makes me wonder if humans ought to control their own deaths. Imagine a world like that...in a Sci-Fi movie probably...one wouldn't have to commit suicide but would have to kill oneself before a certain age.

Yet, what for immortality? Some really smart people have been putting lots of hours into medical science so that humans can have the chance to live hundreds of years. Thousands, possibly. If humans keep on tabooing suicide, we could become creatures that live hundreds of years. So what if I can't hear like I used to? Yeah, I'm selfish, but the last thing I wanna be is a downer.

There's a book by Chuck Palahniuk called Survivor. In it, the main character's phone number gets put on a suicide hotline by mistake and he takes calls from suicidal people. He tells them to just do it. Kill themselves. Be that brave...stuff like that. Everyone ends up not killing themselves, except this one dude. He actually does it.

I didn't ruin the book, just in case it sound interesting and you haven't read it. I think it's not anyone else's place to tell you to or not to. Just like it's no one's place to tell someone to cover up a tattoo for a job.

 

[Ereth]

Yet, what for immortality? Some really smart people have been putting lots of hours into medical science so that humans can have the chance to live hundreds of years. Thousands, possibly. If humans keep on tabooing suicide, we could become creatures that live hundreds of years.

Personally, I think that's a load of bunk. We've extended our lifespans significantly thanks to modern medicine, waste management, and better nutrition (bear in mind that a crappy diet basically undoes everything gained by being able to eat more than a bowl of dirty gruel a day), but I don't think our bodies would really be able to function much beyond maybe a century, and that's in the best-case scenario, with the aid of all the factors I listed above plus helpful genetics. Would it be nice to be immortal? Maybe for a few years. I could get a lot of writing done. But I'd hate watching what becomes of our planet as humanity continues to despoil it, and I'd be lonely as hell once everyone I loved was dead. Anything even remotely approaching immortality, scientifically speaking, would probably require us to become heads in jars a la Futurama. I'm not a big fan of living that way.

I think it's not anyone else's place to tell you to or not to. Just like it's no one's place to tell someone to cover up a tattoo for a job.

If the person's terminally ill and in a great deal of pain, then yes, I'm inclined to agree with you. But otherwise, I'd want to help someone in crisis, just as I've been helped.

It's also my opinion that comparing a life-or-death situation to covering up a tattoo for a job is wildly inappropriate. Those two things aren't analogous in the slightest.

 

[AutisticallyInclined]

@Ereth: I wish I could double like your post. the first cause of you words on suicide but the second for your awesome Futurama reference. ^_^