Wish I could find a girl to even hang out with me

[Tony Ramirez]

Not a date meaning going to to the movies, or out to dinner or anything like that. But a simple walk in the park or a hot coffee, chocolate I seem to get turned down every time. I usually don't strait out ask directly though. I will ask just like I would not mind joining you and get a response like I like to go alone. Or in a more recent text with the very nice Christian girl I meet at the coffee shop only because a friend was there and she approached us. I just indirectly asked in a text since she could not make it for the third week to church. Last week she was sick and she could not partake in our activities we did with our friends. She politely said that we can see each other during service when it resume back normal time. However she was very happy with my accomplishment I made the past two weeks.

What am I doing wrong if anything and please don't blame my autism because I am way more socaliable than before. Both of my therapists and friends see it. Many are surprised when I tell them I have autism for the first time. I even maintain eye contact better now.

 

[Judge]

You might want to search online to assess New Yorkers' perception of crime at the present time. Not to examine real crime statistics, but simply to determine what women in particular think of in terms of how safe it is in NYC at the present time. (Statistically crime is down in the Big Apple).

From what I see, perception alone of how safe NYC is has fallen greatly since the pandemic. Which may explain for some how reticent women may be in meeting total strangers to go anywhere with them. But asking them for a walk in the park may sound safe to you, but it may be terrifying to them. Much more prone to assault, especially after hours as opposed to a crowded public coffee house or movie theater.

Going to confined, public places like the movies or for coffee or a dinner reflects less risk to fearful NYC single women than going to any park, day or night. Fear can make people quite irrational...no matter what the truth may be. Above all, consider just how powerful perception can be as opposed to reality.

Parks may be a nice venue to you personally based on experience. But for a relative stranger, they may be more threatening than you think. And it represents both perception and exposure outside your control. Where your only solution may be to avoid parks altogether. Taking into consideration not the park in question, but rather someone you don't immediately know well either.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Actually there is one girl that goes to the park on her own. I did not suggest it. I suggested the coffee, hot chocolate thing.

 

[Levitator]

Actually there is one girl that goes to the park on her own. I did not suggest it. I suggested the coffee, hot chocolate thing.

I sympathize a lot. There is some stuff you can address, like your attitude, being cheerful, learning how to express it in a natural way. There's certain stuff you can't, and it can fall into those ineffable qualities of normalcy, where it's just your inherent style of approaching the world that people are going to find abnormal.

I was never diagnosed, and it might have been because of my family's attitude. But, this is my struggle, too, and it seems totally impossible. You're not welcome anywhere, nobody ever misses you, nobody ever wants you to call back or join them at some activity. And no matter how much you reach out, it doesn't occur to them to include you, and even the contrary, they push you away. I don't think I look like a horrible person, but it doesn't matter to them.

 

[Judge]

Actually there is one girl that goes to the park on her own. I did not suggest it. I suggested the coffee, hot chocolate thing.

The important thing is to understand that fear may drive single women in your area more than anything else.

An issue not indicative of you personally, and likely to be beyond your control in whole or in part.

I'd think for much of anyone looking for a relationship would inherently have a more difficult time in such an urban sprawl like NYC for any number of other reasons as well.

 

[Levitator]

The important thing is to understand that fear may drive single women in your area more than anything else.

An issue not indicative of you personally, and likely to be beyond your control in whole or in part.

I'd think for much of anyone looking for a relationship would inherently have a more difficult time in such an urban sprawl like NYC for any number of other reasons as well.

That has absolutely nothing to do with anything. The world over, people are the same.

 

[Judge]

That has absolutely nothing to do with anything. The world over, people are the same.

Wrong. It has everything to do with the equation. Ironically because people are the same. Reacting to fear more often in a bad way than a productive one. Nothing unusual about it. Even when crime metrics point in a different direction. When perception drives reality.

-Human nature. Regardless of neurological considerations or differences.

Here's a classic New York source on this very subject. With little changing at present in terms of how New Yorkers perceive their own environment. It remains a very real issue. Especially for any man approaching a stranger with only good intentions.

It's not the only reason to consider, but then it's not always about one's autism either. An issue that frankly has been exhausted through endless discussion here over a period of years.

Fear of Rampant Crime Is Derailing New York City’s Recovery

The perception of crime outweighs the reality of the numbers.

www.bloomberg.com

 

[Levitator]

Not a date meaning going to to the movies, or out to dinner or anything like that. But a simple walk in the park or a hot coffee, chocolate I seem to get turned down every time. I usually don't strait out ask directly though. I will ask just like I would not mind joining you and get a response like I like to go alone. Or in a more recent text with the very nice Christian girl I meet at the coffee shop only because a friend was there and she approached us. I just indirectly asked in a text since she could not make it for the third week to church. Last week she was sick and she could not partake in our activities we did with our friends. She politely said that we can see each other during service when it resume back normal time. However she was very happy with my accomplishment I made the past two weeks.

What am I doing wrong if anything and please don't blame my autism because I am way more socaliable than before. Both of my therapists and friends see it. Many are surprised when I tell them I have autism for the first time. I even maintain eye contact better now.

And another thing, I've entirely given up on dating normal women. It seems like some sort of tremendous cosmic gift to arrive at a spot where I find girls' abnormalities beautiful, because I'm inwardly feeling how much of a struggle it is to be different even in the slightest or most subtle way. So, if a girl's expression is spacy or her face is oddly proportioned, or whatever, I actually love her more, because I relate.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

The thing is these are not random women I picked up. I know all of these women already. They all rather hang out with me in groups of friends who I am also friends with. I am still way too afraid too ask a random woman to "hang out*.

 

[Judge]

The thing is these are not random women I picked up. I know all of these women already. They all rather hang out with me in groups of friends who I am also friends with. I am still way too afraid too ask a random woman to "hang out*.

Do some or all of them know of your autism? Likely stuck in the "friend zone". Sounds like you'd be better off looking for someone outside that group of people. Without telling anyone about your autism- or Christianity right off.

Take a very different approach when you know what you are doing isn't working. Sometimes especially when it comes to socialization, that we must force ourselves beyond our comfort zones. One can only seriously change themselves so much- if at all. With the next best thing being to change the environment around you.

In your case to approach people as individuals rather than any group setting. So that unfair or incorrect and collective assumptions about you won't abound through other people as can happen in groups. - People gossip.

 

[Mary Terry]

Tony - you have made enormous progress since you started sharing your frustrations about dating. Keep up the good work, the good attitude, your friendships, and love yourself because you are worthy of love.

 

[Fino]

As far as I know, women tend to be wary of being alone with men in general and for good reason. I have no personal experience with women, though, so this isn't really based on personal experience.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

As far as I know, women tend to be wary of being alone with men in general and for good reason. I have no personal experience with women, though, so this isn't really based on personal experience.

Then how come I see so many non married men with a woman all the time walking with women. It can be frustrating seeing thar By the way they are all Christian and they all know of my autism. Also I am not looking to serious date or anything, just to hang out as friends but I never had that before and until recently just in group settings.

 

[tree]

If you're seeing the men and women walking together, then
they are out in public, not alone really.

Alone would be out in a car, or at their apartment, something
like that.

=========
@Tony Ramirez
Hanging out in groups as friends is good.

You are wanting to spend time with a female one to one, but still just friends, right?

 

[Magna]

Can you save up money and travel to one of the countries known for "mail order brides"? Those kinds of relationships may be transactional to start (both parties receiving something of value) but it's a fact that sometimes they end up being relationships that last long term and involve love.

 

[Judge]

Can you save up money and travel to one of the countries known for "mail order brides"? Those kinds of relationships may be transactional to start (both parties receiving something of value) but it's a fact that sometimes they end up being relationships that last long term and involve love.

I know someone personally who did just that. He was in his early 40s at the time. She turned out to be genuine about it all too. They have a son, he's around eight years old I think. Sometimes those arrangements work out....though I wouldn't want to try something like that myself.

 

[Misty Avich]

When it comes to friends (as you said not like a date or anything) gender shouldn't matter too much, as long as you have people you can call friends. Or maybe you just want to get to know more girls as friends as a way to practice or something for when you do get a girlfriend in the future? That's okay though.
And yes, I can imagine you're similar to me as in non-obvious autism. I can believe that, because I'm the same.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I use to be very shy but now I try to talk to more people and feel more comfortable around females than before. However it depends on the group of people though. Church going people I feel more comfortable around.

 

[paloftoon]

Not a date meaning going to to the movies, or out to dinner or anything like that. But a simple walk in the park or a hot coffee, chocolate I seem to get turned down every time. I usually don't strait out ask directly though. I will ask just like I would not mind joining you and get a response like I like to go alone. Or in a more recent text with the very nice Christian girl I meet at the coffee shop only because a friend was there and she approached us. I just indirectly asked in a text since she could not make it for the third week to church. Last week she was sick and she could not partake in our activities we did with our friends. She politely said that we can see each other during service when it resume back normal time. However she was very happy with my accomplishment I made the past two weeks.

What am I doing wrong if anything and please don't blame my autism because I am way more socaliable than before. Both of my therapists and friends see it. Many are surprised when I tell them I have autism for the first time. I even maintain eye contact better now.

Many people might say they are sick when they really aren't or they might be but it might be an easy pass for them because when they do get better, they are still not interested.

I don't sense your approach is incorrect.


I think other people you engage with might be able to sense or they know from talking with others maybe your job situation or that you live with your family. If the people you are talking to aren't in a similar situation as you, especially being in your 40s, people are probably not going to want to date you. Maybe hook up at the most.
Most people, once they hit their 30s, are able to live on their own or on their own with roommates. Another acceptable situation is if you're taking care of your parents- I don't sense this is the case. If you think about lying about taking care of your parents and if you aren't, then people will catch on. So, don't try to get any "bright" ideas.

You're also the biggest city in the country, and it's really diverse. So, maybe a good bet is to find autistic specific groups where there could be interested females in a similar enough situation to your own. If any area might have autistic social groups in the areas for adults, it's going to be your area of the US. I'm near Philly and there are a few social groups for adults- so I would be surprised if NYC doesn't have similar.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

No I believe her. She is not lying. She was really sick last week. Many of you have trust issues. I did too which is why I did not trust anyone for 15 years. I read the horror stories from other bloggers and people from reddit and man they know rotten toxic people. The people I know are good Christian people I trust. She is a good Christian person. Sorry you all have trust issues.