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Will he ever feel different ?

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Patrice

Well-Known Member
I recently started seeing a guy about 4 months ago and he Informed me he had mild autism, things have been going very well, we're hanging out, talking everyday. Last night he told me he liked me but he doesn't care if he's ever in a relationship or stays single. I'm just wondering if anyone else has felt like that, I really like him and want to be with him but if it's never going to lead somewhere then it's hard to want to stay, do I be patient and be happy with what he can give me?
 
People say things like that when being defensive.

There is a fair bit of brinkmanship in relationships, sometimes even unconscious. Only you can tell how much weight to attach to this.

Sometimes they mean it. It is a common theme in relationships, people not wanting to commit.
I am sorry to say that sometimes it means they are not ready to commit to this particular relationship.

You don't need to look at this strictly through autism lense. Did he state autism as the reason?

I have a theory that aspies can only do relationships well if they are ready. Relationships take a lot of work from anyone, for aspies they need to know the work and be motivated to do it, but also recognise the limits of what is workable for them individually.
They need to have reflected :
  • on the value of relationships for them, to be motivated
  • on the efforts required from them
  • on the parameters of the relationship suitable for them, what they can handle - the partner and the relationship
Generally all people do that. Many relationships don't last.
Relationship are also not predefined at the start. It is a book being written as it unrolls.
 
I would say that six months is time enough for someone to know whether they want to move to the next level and be exclusive, and by that time, it would be perfectly reasonable for you to say that you thought that the relationship would have moved up to that level by now, so you feel that you would like to consider other possibilities and perhaps date them if asked.
 
Does your happiness in a relationship depend on your partner being unable to survive without you?

Perhaps emotionally he doesn't have as much to lose but does that really matter?

The real question isn't does he need to be in a relationship or be single but does he want to be with you?

But at just four months into a relationship neither of you really know if you are compatible.
 
He likes you but he doesn't care if he's in a long-term serious relationship or remains single. I'm kind of confused by this. Why did he say this? Did he say this because he doesn't see his relationship with you as going anywhere? Or is this just his feeling right now? Does he think that it could go somewhere, but he isn't sure yet? It just seems a little too vague, really.

For many of us, relationships can be really quite complicated and difficult, and we have a hard time really expressing what we want and/or need. This is definitely the case for me. I have only ever been in two serious relationships. I never understood how some people could meet and connect so easily. I never understood how some people could even want to do that. It's not that I never wanted to connect to others. But, it was that I found it just way too much effort than I cared to put in. Maintaining relationships, any kind of relationships, is really draining and causes me a lot of stress.

That being said, I am now happily married. I can't explain why it worked how it did, but it just did. *shrug* What I can say is that when I met my husband, I wasn't looking for anyone. In fact, I was of the mind that I didn't want to be with anyone again for a very long time (I was still married, but I fell out of love with my husband). But I met the right person when I wasn't expecting anyone even remotely interesting to waltz into my life.

Anyway, my point is, autistic people, even "mildly" autistic people, can have a lot of trouble with relationships. But a lot of other people can, too. I know neurotypical people who have trouble with relationships. Maintaining relationships is hard for anybody.

In your case, it's hard to tell if he even has trouble with relationships in general (it could just be because this is a forum and trying to talk about these things here is not easy!) or if he's just not ready for a serious relationship right now, or if he's not into you as you are into him. But clearly, this is kind of bothering you, so it is important you get some clear information from him. If it is really vital for you that you know right now if he sees this going somewhere and he can't answer that, then you have to move on. If he wants a little more time, then maybe it's worth giving him that, and revisit it again in the near future. But don't ignore your needs and what you want, just because you really like him and you want things to go somewhere with him.
 
Things seem like they are progressing like in any relationship, if I tell him something bothers me it seems like he tries to make an effort to correct it, and I've told him that I'm developing feelings for him and if it's not what he wants then we should probably stop hanging out to avoid me getting hurt worse and he always puts my mind at ease that it's not just sex, but I just found it an odd statement to make that he dont care if hes ever in a relationship, everything else is normal, he just seems to never talk about his feelings unless I say something then he will say he likes me,
 
crystal_ball.jpg


Mysterio the All Seeing says.... Maybe

That will be 50 bucks. Please make checks out to Mysterio Plumbing and Heating.

Seriously, there is nothing obviously autistic to decode in his statement. If it was something like he hates parties or just wants to talk about one subject I might be able to shed some light. But his statement of ambivalence might be said by anyone, whether neurotypical or on the spectrum.
 
That's pretty much how I feel. I have 'liked' people in a potentially romantic way before, and have someone I 'like' like that now, but I really don't care about being in a romantic relationship, I am perfectly happy having a platonic relationship with this person, and don't feel any need for anything 'more'. I am very happy being single. I'm not averse to the prospect of a romantic relationship with them either. Basically I'll be equally happy whatever happens, so long as it involves having some form of close relationship with them.

As to what you should do in your situation, that depends entirely on whether you can be genuinely happy with a relationship that isn't going to "go anywhere". Would you just be going into the relationship in the hopes that he will change his mind? Because that way lies resentment on both sides.
 
Patrice said:
do I be patient and be happy with what he can give me?
Click to expand...

From your wording here, it sounds like you would be “settling” for something less than what you really want.
For example if you want marriage and children, then he probably isnt the man for you. Except as a friend of course.
I would let him go and meet some new guys.
I know its painful, but somtimes we have to do the right thing.
 
Has to start somewhere and it seems that as of this minute, your feelings for him are deeper, but doesn't mean his feelings will stay the same, so if you can handle that, then take it easy; don't pressure him, otherwise he will back away.

You have to be specific with him; no hinting etc, as he just will get confused.
 
Patrice said:
he always puts my mind at ease that it's not just sex, but I just found it an odd statement to make that he dont care if hes ever in a relationship...
Click to expand...

There may be an element of him having been hurt badly in relationships and now protecting himself by pretending that he doesn't care. Only you can see through that.

From aspie point of view, in my early young years I had an element of desperation about having and making a success of friendships, but also a feeling that I didn't have much control over how the friends behaved towards me, some of friends proceeded to abusing and betraying me. So there was/ maybe still is an element, a tendency to insulate myself emotionally from possibility to be hurt. A romantic relationship requires jumping into the deep end and taking the risk.

Generally, relationships are risky double edged items.

So basically relationships are those intense epic psychodramas with twists and turns and there is some fun to be had even by aspies... Having just said that I realise that an aspie probably would commit to a relationship that has a sustainable level of drama.

So if it starts bothering you, like you feel a pattern, them maybe your benefit/risk analysis has tilted and you may start thinking of moving on.
 
looking into the aromantic spectrum may help you understand his mindset. Not saying that he is aromantic but the sort of attitude he expressed is common for aromantic people.
 
My take:

If he could go either way, he just left it up to you. I have friends who "don't care were we go for dinner", but what they mean is that I can decide. You may not feel like he is setting you free, but give it some mental acrobatics, and you won't feel the pressure to choose a restaurant he likes. Because he just said it's not your responsibility, not the opposite.

And yes, I'm aware that a relationship is different from going out to eat.
 
So confused, l too don't really know where l want to be, but l feel like if l say that, then the person will think l am a bit strange, at least they say it. My issue is that they can just come out and say, l don't know what l truly want. Because l may back up that statement and say l agree or l don't want serious, it is too much pressure.
 
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