Why would my ex boyfriend tell me to fix my autism symptoms in order for him to have the patience for me?

[Jonn]

I am married to a NT. The very things that he loves about me are the things that are ND. When I am like "hey lets go do this " or I act what may be perceived as "childish" by one person. My hudband just sees as fun because are interests align, we laugh, express enjoyment. In a world that many do not enjoy and seek gratification in a dark way.

My partner and I are both very quirky.
The quirkiness in her is something I find very attractive.

He is putting down your happiness simply because he does not understand you.

If this is the case, there may be hope yet for the relationship, though I wouldn't bet on it.
He may be amenable to being educated about autism.
It is a pity we can't invite him onto AF, since he would probably be horrified that we are all talking about him.

There is also a lack of confidence on his part and he does not accept himself the way you accept yourself.

Possibilities like this make me uncomfortable with the idea of condemning him.
As I said, we are hearing only one side of the story.

 

[scleod]

My partner and I are both very quirky.
The quirkiness in her is something I find very attractive.

That is awesome That is what my husband loves about me, among other things.

If this is the case, there may be hope yet for the relationship, though I wouldn't bet on it.
He may be amenable to being educated about autism.

That IS also true. We are hearing from a "biased" point of view.

It is a pity we can't invite him onto AF, since he would probably be horrified that we are all talking about him.

That may be true? Depends on the person. But that could always be an option to do so although it may make OP uncomfortable.

Possibilities like this make me uncomfortable with the idea of condemning him.
As I said, we are hearing only one side of the story.

I didn't mean for it to come across as if I were condeming him. Just a normal human behavior that NT exhibit more often than ND. Because ND people "are who we are" which at its core comes down to confidence and self worth. A good portion of us don't get caught up in those things. Not saying we dont struggle ourselves we tend to have our own uniquness and not care what others think. Sometimes simply out of oblivion.
I apologize my words are so blunt they come across maybe in a judgemental way but that is the last thing from how I am, who am I to judge.

The other hand though is autistic women ( and men) are quite intuitive. They may not be able to express why something feels wrong but there is a pattern of behaviors that feels wrong. There have been documented studies on this within relationships. If something isn't feeling right listen to your gut even if you cant express why. Being a ND women in NT relationships (before my husband) you can be vulnerable because of a barrier of understanding ie boundaries, control etc. It is hard for a person to understand unless you yourself have been in one. Hopefully that made sense without getting into detail lol

 

[Jonn]

I apologize my words are so blunt they come across maybe in a judgemental way but that is the last thing from how I am, who am I to judge.

I wasn't suggesting you were judging him.
My comment was an aside.
You were actually supporting what I was thinking, and I was taking advantage of what you said to make my point.

 

[scleod]

I wasn't suggesting you were judging him.
My comment was an aside.
You were actually supporting what I was thinking, and I was taking advantage of what you said to make my point.

Ahhh, great minds think alike.

I'm not used to being around other great minds

 

[thejuice]

The other hand though is autistic women ( and men) are quite intuitive. They may not be able to express why something feels wrong but there is a pattern of behaviors that feels wrong. There have been documented studies on this within relationships. If something isn't feeling right listen to your gut even if you cant express why. Being a ND women in NT relationships (before my husband) you can be vulnerable because of a barrier of understanding ie boundaries, control etc. It is hard for a person to understand unless you yourself have been in one. Hopefully that made sense without getting into detail lol

Interesting, I believe it and I'm sure it has evolutionary utility. I'd love to see a study on that?

I think Jonn is correct about only having one side of the story and I do get the feeling there might be some slight bullying going on based on her side of the story. It makes some sense as he has the power as the one least invested in the relationship.

He might just be blunt, but a lot what he says is very undiplomatic and deeply invalidating. He has 'cut to the quick'. Perhaps that can't be avoided in a breakup.

His heavy metal cleanse idea is bizarre.

 

[scleod]

His heavy metal cleanse idea is bizarre.

The misconception is that they label it as "autism cleanser". When in reality it can help someone with autism better function in everyday life if they have a heavy metal build up ie improve cognitive function, energy so on. Not rid them of autism. As many diets help those on the spectrum, that are rich in nutrients and detox their bodies. Since autistics are known to have such sensitive gut biome and are sensitive to changes with in their bodies. Statistically with food aversions, it is a struggle for people on the spectrum to gain a full source of nutrients.

It is also largely popular in Christian communities, the heavy metal detox.

 

[arithmetic]

Well, we are hearing from only one side.
Something to think about.

True, but complainants should always be believed.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

He told me I act childish a lot of the time and I say things that aren’t appropriate to people that I don’t realize and my ex always has to point that out to me and it gets annoying to him that is why he didn’t want to get with me. In order for us to work on things again he told me to fix my autism and he said heavy metals and what I eat like processed foods cause my autism and I should try heavy metal cleanse to get the heavy metal out of my body that causes me autism.

He's been subjected to a lot of false information. Autism is a genetic/epigenetic, prenatal, neurodevelopmental condition... there's actual anatomical differences in the structure of the brain... the neurons, themselves are different, the migrational patterns are different, the conductivity and connectivity are different. This is all well studied. However, it also affects the neuro-motor system, the GI system, hormones, and immune function... it's not limited to the brain. Again... all well-studied.

Now, he is correct that autistic children appear to accumulate heavy metals due to metabolic differences and pro-inflammatory foods can exacerbate symptoms due to neuro-inflammatory processes... but it doesn't "cause" the autism. Proper diet can "reduce" some symptoms... not eliminate. A diet rich in anti-oxidants, "good" fats, minimize carbs, methyl B complex, L-theanine, etc. can help many people. Exercise, sauna,...sweating... can leach heavy metals out of the body.

 

[Masked Man]

You need to let that one go. He's no good for you.

 

[Dagan]

You should tell him to fix his expectations and quit being a know it all that sounds like he's not even a know it some. If he "actually" knew what he was talking about, he wouldn't say such things. Also, though, it sounds like some narcissistic traits that you may want nothing to do with - coming across entitled enough to make you do what will fit his needs / benefit him. That's nothing of love or affection or caring about someone. That's a controlling attitude, and it's further evidenced by rather making said demands.

Hard, cold reality: Autistic folks are very routine based, strict in our ways because of what we are comfortable with and only trust. We are the hardest to change, immediately or most times any at all. We're already shaped as we are by people and experiences we grew up with over the first two decades of our lives (on average) before we begin to find partners / relationships, so it's never going to be simple to just become as someone else fully desires. I contend that no one should / should even be able to change for another so fully, either. It would mean you have another disorder to worry about - being sociopathic. Find someone who is willing to get to know you, and that if any changes are to come, it's the both of you willing to just do your best over the rest of your lives, while accepting that you still might not be able to change much or fully or even at all in however many ways.

 

[JayLapointe]

He told me I act childish a lot of the time and I say things that aren’t appropriate to people that I don’t realize and my ex always has to point that out to me and it gets annoying to him that is why he didn’t want to get with me. In order for us to work on things again he told me to fix my autism and he said heavy metals and what I eat like processed foods cause my autism and I should try heavy metal cleanse to get the heavy metal out of my body that causes me autism. Will that improve my autism symptoms and does he sound ignorant? Should I try getting the heavy metals out of my body and go gluten and sugar free to see if it will help with my autism symptoms? Does it really help? And what are your thoughts that he said that to me? I also said to him one night I want to go to the arcade and he said that’s childish and I act like a child. This part of my autism also this and to ask a random person where they got their hair done?

He is an idiot, don't bother spending anymore time with him. He doesn't understand Autism, and he's trying to make you into something you are not.

Your bf is very very ignorant. There is no such thing as a "heavy metal cleanse". If you legitimately have a heavy metal buildup, which you don't, the only way to get rid of heavy metals from the body is through the use of chelating agents which are only administered under medical supervision as they can be heavy duty on the body.

Get rid of that man in your life. He is not helping you in the slightest and only harming you.

 

[Jonn]

He is an idiot, don't bother spending anymore time with him. He doesn't understand Autism, and he's trying to make you into something you are not.

My way would be to study them and see what makes them tick from an objective point of view.
This assumes emotional detachment, however, and I don't think this is achievable here.

 

[Dagan]

Yeah, I second Jay. Any physician would have ordered administered blood agents or would have flat out put you into dialysis, if you were truly dealing with high blood metals.

Should you get the option, I assure you that dating an "actual" medical professional would net you better overall.

 

[Ken]

From my experience, autism is a life thing. Earlier in life, yes, I would have loved a cure. But now, after growing up with it and growing into it, I wouldn't change it for the world. Now, in my 70's I finally get it. - Did I mention that I finally get it?

It was bad, really bad, in my early days before I "got it", but now I can see that it has been well worth it. It has made me me and I'm no longer "ashamed" to be me. The issue is simply that other people don't get me. Now I realize that's their loss.

As may have said here, autism is not a disease or something to catch or something that is "caused" by anything. It's genetic and natural. It's natures way to broaden our species perspective. Autistic people simply have a different umwelt. Which is not a bad thing. It is just another way to interpret the world around us. Which is a net gain. The issue is only when society is bigoted against anyone who is "different."

I recommend that you do not try to change who you are. As is, you will grow into a wonderful person. But you won't if you try to be someone else.

 

[thejuice]

As may have said here, autism is not a disease or something to catch or something that is "caused" by anything. It's genetic and natural. It's natures way to broaden our species perspective. Autistic people simply have a different umwelt.

Germans have some amazing words that have no English equivalent. Schadenfreude, Zeitgeist, now Umgeist lol

Here a couple more from google ai, there are loads of similar words that people universally 'get':

Schmähung: To make something worse while trying to improve it.

Backpfeifengesicht: A face that urgently needs a slap.

Sturmfrei: "Storm free"; having the house to yourself.

what your bf said was a schmähung, he has a backpfeifengesicht and you need to be sturmfrei

 

[Tired]

From my experience, autism is a life thing. Earlier in life, yes, I would have loved a cure. But now, after growing up with it and growing into it, I wouldn't change it for the world. Now, in my 70's I finally get it. - Did I mention that I finally get it?

It was bad, really bad, in my early days before I "got it", but now I can see that it has been well worth it. It has made me me and I'm no longer "ashamed" to be me. The issue is simply that other people don't get me. Now I realize that's their loss.

As may have said here, autism is not a disease or something to catch or something that is "caused" by anything. It's genetic and natural. It's natures way to broaden our species perspective. Autistic people simply have a different umwelt. Which is not a bad thing. It is just another way to interpret the world around us. Which is a net gain. The issue is only when society is bigoted against anyone who is "different."

I recommend that you do not try to change who you are. As is, you will grow into a wonderful person. But you won't if you try to be someone else.

If you could, what suggestions would you give to younger self, when you struggled and hated being autistic?

 

[Crossbreed]

Why would my ex boyfriend tell me to fix my autism symptoms in order for him to have the patience for me?

1. You are asking the wrong question. The right question is "Must you really change your core personality to win a husband...?"
2. I do not recall if you stated your severity level. Everyone (NT & neuro-diverse) needs to be able to shoulder a certain amount of responsibility to participate in marriage. My ASD2 son cannot, so his relationships fizzle out when his girlfriends pick up on that.
3. You can be responsible AND enjoy childish forms of entertainment at the same time.

 

[Ken]

If you could, what suggestions would you give to younger self, when you struggled and hated being autistic?

I would tell myself:
Do not envy other people for being socially popular.
Stop being jealous of the other kids that were admitted to special science classes and competition that I was excluded from.
I would tell me that not one of all of those kids I was so deeply jealous of ever acquired a career in science or anything beyond a mediocre life.
I would tell me not to feel disheartened or try to conform as my life ends up better than any of those kids anyway.
I would tell me that social standing is not a benefit to my life. In fact, it is a detriment, so stop trying.
I would tell me to not feel ashamed to have been diagnosed as retarded and that that label was just a false label officiated by an ignorant official. (at that time, autism was unknown in my school or community.)
I would tell me that my overwhelming anxieties are from traumatic experiences and extreme empathy. I would tell me that I have to learn how to avoid the resulting PTSD triggers.
I would tell me that my passions are absolutely crucial to my life even while everyone dismisses them and tells me its a ridiculous waste.
I would tell me that all of my suffering is a chapter in the story of my life and it is all important for me to find and understand myself. For me to truly know myself instead of being told who and what I am.
I would tell me to ignore those who tell me I am "wrong" and to keep being me to finish the story to a happy ending.
I would tell me to try not to get lost in all the social rhetoric and to listen closely to what's in my heart. That may be the hardest thing I've ever done.

 

[Hazel_1914]

For the same reason he's your ex, dear