Why everyone should educate themselves on how to recognise a narcissist ...

[Adora]

While my parents were never diagnosed narcissists,I do relate a lot to stories of narcissistic abuse,I was very psychologically and emotionally abused by my father and the two worst things he said to me was that it was all my fault for all the problems in my family and he also said to me that I deserved to be bullied at school,and also years later I had a experience with someone whom I believe now fits into the sociopath category and he knew how sensitive I was and he used my naïveté against me,narcissist gets thrown around a lot but a true narcissist or sociopath can do horrible damage to another person and they just continue to this to whoever they come across.

 

[Major Tom]

Yea, my wife is definitely a narcissist.. Hard to deal with it, and I used to let her make me feel like crap about everything. Now I just listen to music and tune her BS out for the most part.

 

[Mattymatt]

Anyone living in the USA knows what a “narcissist” is...our current president.

I would argue that our president is more just a narcissist. I think he's suffering from Anti-Social Personality Disorder with Narcissistic Tendencies.

 

[Ylva]

Did you watch any of the royal wedding? Well, there was a part where famous guests were arriving and the beckems arrived ( David and Victoria). He broke away from his wife ( holding hands) and walked over to a "peasant" who had been invited due to being a survivor of the Manchester bombing and had a selfie with her. But it was his wife's reaction that really caught my eye. She had a look of pure disgust on her face and moving as far away as she could and looking annoyed that her husband allowed himself to mix with the "common girl". That is narcissim lol

I think that's just her face.

 

[paloftoon]

My mother is a narcissist. Took me 30+ years to understand that I was being emotionally abused, and then how to deal with it. My father is so meek he has trained himself to just accept the comments 99% of the time. I became that way until one of my well matched dates became a complete mess. Even though I lived under such conditions, I still have to take responsibility for my own behavior and thoughts.

What makes things more complicated for me is that she's not just simply a classic textbook narcissist. I'm sure many people who have this problem have someone who is not quite textbook as well. She actually authentically cares and loves me a lot, and we try to do things where we show that we care about each other in ways in which other family members and friends would probably not do for each other.

In the same token, I am told I'm worthless and so much pressure is put on me to do things like other people and not at my own pace. Pushing a little can be good, but constantly pushing and not being able to relax is not healthy either. Not being able to be one self and struggling for identity, independence, and having a good balance is not healthy either. Since I'm in a world where I'm not completely oppressed, then I should be able to express those freedoms more. Sometimes, I feel a bit of a prisoner.

What I've done to take steps toward going away from this depressing bubble is to be as independent as I can. Take on the bills myself instead of sharing finances with my family completely. Not that I don't trust them. That was never an issue. It was more about the attitude and how my mother respects me as a person. She thinks that many things I remember wrong and that I was just a bad child or a child who didn't know any better. In many cases, it was my mother too though. I'm not angel, but I have been treated very poorly in some instances too. They expect me to forgive people that have wronged me. I told them my door is open to communication. I don't have to forgive people for bullying me just because they were young kids. People don't normally forgive me for the things I've done. Plus, unlike many people, I'm open to communicating with these people. However, they have to be able to admit to me their wrongs and how they plan to try to make things better in the future for me to be able to forgive. I need to be able to stand up for myself. Not be walked all over on.

 

[Frostee]

I have difficulty in distinguishing between Aspergers and Narcissism or indeed people who may have a diagnosis of both. At my University, I've come into contact with a few people who definitely appear to have traits of Narcissism.

I'll list some things that I have identified and see what people think:
- Talking over reserved/quiet people and not allowing them to get a word in edgewise and then saying that they know that they do this. (So it's not a case of not knowing).
- Not appreciating the effort that someone puts in to help you.
- Immaturity well beyond 30.
- Refusing to take accountability.
- Expecting the 'other' person to do all the legwork in a Friendship.
- Using the Silent Treatment when they're not happy with you.
- Blaming you for things that are their fault.
- Talking at you and not caring if you want to listen to what that are saying.
- Not being reciprocal in Friendships i.e. waiting on you to contact them.
- Being rude to someone when they go to great lengths to help you, or being rude for no good reason.
- Behaving in a way that suggests one thinks they're better than others without any evidence.
- Making up lies to please people i.e. saying one thing to me, something else to stranger x and something else to stranger y, for example 'I study Maths', ' I study RE', 'I study English'.
- Using a person's name at the end of every sentence.
- Putting on a fake persona around Strangers.
- Making you look bad in front of others.
- Doesn't want to compromise on social outings.
- Never thanks you.

These are all things that people with Aspergers have done to me. All by people who don't really have any Friends. The fact that they, for example, use the Silent Treatment suggests that they know that this is a manipulative strategy for getting people to do what they want, would infer that they're not all that naive.

I don't know if its possible to have Aspergers and not be aware of these things?

 

[Frostee]

As someone who has seen the manipulation and grief that narcissists cause, i get that you would want to steer clear of them. But you're generalizing here, and stereotyping a group of people who genuinely need help. ASPD and NPD can be caused from childhood abuse and trauma. Those who were abused as children have a higher risk of continuing the cycle when they start their own families. If you're saying that "All narcissists should be shunned" You're including those who have suffered abuse. Would you run away from a survivor of child abuse? Would you go on a forum to say how horrible an abused child is? Would you tell people to shun them? Because that's what you're doing. Now, for my second point: NPD and ASPD are disabilities, just like autism. The brain is chemically altered in those with personality disorders (Smaller frontal lobe in antisocial patients, for example). You're on a forum for those with disabilities telling us to shun those with disabilities. Think about that for a moment. Third point: Narcissism is a spectrum, as well as ASPD. Functional psychopaths exist, just like functional aspies exist. They may have intrusive thoughts or manipulate someone from time to time, but they're not sadistic or abusive. I know a so called "functional psychopath." She's a normal high school girl, a few years behind me. We can have deep conversations about things NTs would be highly concerned by (Why plotting theoretical murders to baffle the theoretical police at 3 am is calming, why it's okay to manipulate people sometimes, why fries in a bowl is technically a salad). She's one of the few people who has never made any fuss about my autism, and never ostracizes me for my infinite list of issues, and she always seems to be laughing or making a joke. Even though she hates socializing, she'll let anyone sit at our lunch table, and is happy to help and support them with whatever they need, be it homework or dating advice. She gets straight A's in school and is hoping to become a cop in the future. Would you run away from this girl? Last point. People with disabilities need to learn to navigate the world. People with conduct disorders don't have that help yet, and this is why we see abuse. Instead of coming up with stratagies to improve the quality of life for this population, we've stigmatized them as "crazies." All people with disabilities are people. You can't label a whole group of people because you had a bad experience with one. If you write a whole group off, you're just as toxic as them.

I don't know, I wouldn't mind so much if NC recognised that they had problems! Instead a lot of the time NC's will be rude to you even if you have been kind, not respect boundaries, make a fool of you and do much more that really is uncalled for!

 

[paloftoon]

I have difficulty in distinguishing between Aspergers and Narcissism or indeed people who may have a diagnosis of both. At my University, I've come into contact with a few people who definitely appear to have traits of Narcissism.

I'll list some things that I have identified and see what people think:
- Talking over reserved/quiet people and not allowing them to get a word in edgewise and then saying that they know that they do this. (So it's not a case of not knowing).
- Not appreciating the effort that someone puts in to help you.
- Immaturity well beyond 30.
- Refusing to take accountability.
- Expecting the 'other' person to do all the legwork in a Friendship.
- Using the Silent Treatment when they're not happy with you.
- Blaming you for things that are their fault.
- Talking at you and not caring if you want to listen to what that are saying.
- Not being reciprocal in Friendships i.e. waiting on you to contact them.
- Being rude to someone when they go to great lengths to help you, or being rude for no good reason.
- Behaving in a way that suggests one thinks they're better than others without any evidence.
- Making up lies to please people i.e. saying one thing to me, something else to stranger x and something else to stranger y, for example 'I study Maths', ' I study RE', 'I study English'.
- Using a person's name at the end of every sentence.
- Putting on a fake persona around Strangers.
- Making you look bad in front of others.
- Doesn't want to compromise on social outings.
- Never thanks you.

These are all things that people with Aspergers have done to me. All by people who don't really have any Friends. The fact that they, for example, use the Silent Treatment suggests that they know that this is a manipulative strategy for getting people to do what they want, would infer that they're not all that naive.

I don't know if its possible to have Aspergers and not be aware of these things?

You have met only a people of asperger's in a certain bubble. There may be people who have asperger's and you don't even know it who have behaved much better than the stereotype you describe. I definnitely say thank you a lot and try to compromise on social outings depending on the person I don't try to purposely make up lies without a reason. My reason may not be good, but at least I have one. For instance, my own family trained me to lie about certain, personal things. As I've gotten older, I've learned it's better to just simply say "I don't want to talk about that." or "It's too personal to me" rather than outright lie about such things. Lying even like that can affect a person to react improperly psychologically in other situations that seem quite normal otherwise.

Some of the things you mentioned, many NT people have done such as not reciprocating or being honest. Some of the negatives of NTs may have made people on the spectrum react the way they do because they have not been surrounded by people who will work with them. Hence, just because an aspie's behavior is based on prior bad experiences is not an excuse for their own behavior, but it's sadly understandable in that context. The best solution to this is just be direct 1-1, see how the person reacts to your honesty, and if they are willing to work with you, give them a chance. If not, keep your door open but don't be walked all over on.

 

[Aeolienne]

I once had a so-called support worker accuse me of narcissism in a text message he acidentally cc'd to me.

 

[GrownupGirl]

Most human beings are narcissistic. They are always comparing themselves to others, subconsciously or otherwise, and thinking who much "better" they are compared to them. "I'm a better driver/worker/lover/parent/son/daughter than he/she is. I'm smarter/younger/thinner/better looking than he/she is." Some humans think they're inferior to others, but that's really the exception, not the rule.

 

[dhl02]

Maybe it is just me, but I think that Western Culture(especially here in the USA) cultivates narcissists out of everyone. There is not a person I have met ever, in this world who doesn't have multiple narcissist tendencies. In the US, narcissism is a desired trait and people who are willing to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate, are the ones who get ahead. People who are truly kind hearted and pleasant get billed as "weak minded" and are ostracized.

 

[Adora]

Maybe it is just me, but I think that Western Culture(especially here in the USA) cultivates narcissists out of everyone. There is not a person I have met ever, in this world who doesn't have multiple narcissist tendencies. In the US, narcissism is a desired trait and people who are willing to lie, cheat, steal and manipulate, are the ones who get ahead. People who are truly kind hearted and pleasant get billed as "weak minded" and are ostracized.

I feel it’s same in a lot of places not just in America,here in Australia it seems the same way and maybe it’s due to past experiences I have had but kindness seems to be used and manipulated against someone while those who lie and manipulate are encouraged.

 

[VJCJ0628]

Anyone living in the USA knows what a “narcissist” is...our current president.

Id have to Agree, Trump Obama & Nancy Pelosi are the biggest narcissists I have ever seen

Absolutely Scary all 3 of them

 

[Cactus]

I was married to a covert NPD for eighteen years. It was emotionally devastating. I've moved on, but the pain still lingers. I have remarried, and am learning what a healthy relationship is like.

These folks with NPD are vicious predators, and we, as Aspies, are extremely vulnerable. Please protect yourselves.