Why can't people just say what they mean?

[Dragon's Tooth]

The thinking processes of "Normals" run like an operating system in a computer and their OS's sync quickly and easily among and between each other. For a visual equivalent think of a flock of birds sweeping and swirling in perfect relation to each other. What is said by one person initiates the next step in the flow of thought and both or all go to that step and stage together, automatically. We on the Spectrum do not sync. Its that easy. Of course, that leaves us baffled because we do not understand the flow and the Normals are baffled and distressed because we do not react and respond appropriately.

I guess you could say its like trying to make an iphone talk to an android phone or windows talk to a mac ... probably not going to happen without a lot of effort lol. But which side is it that is supposed to change? I think a lot of people expect us to change to match them, but what ever happened to accepting people for who they are? We accept people of different colour, race, gender, sexuality etc etc (theoretically) in life so why shouldn't there be some exception for us?

From my personal experience I find it very stressful to so called match with normal people. Am I supposed to just change to match them so they don't feel uncomfortable? What about how much anxiety and stress I go through to maybe match them? It seems to me we aspies spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to fit in like its all our "problem" with no one normal is willing to say "hey maybe we can meet you half way?" Just a frustration that basically this all get heaped on us.

@Alpaca ... you probably get girls because research has shown women like the chase as much as men do. And you sound like I am with men ... totally oblivious until a guy basically hits me over the head and drags me back to his cave so to speak lol. your probably unconsciously doing the "treat them mean to keep them keen". For instance the last person to know that me and my husband were an item was me ... everyone else knew it ... he had to chase pretty hard too. My ex basically engineered me having to sit cuddled with him on a movie night to express his feelings. I think its a good thing because only the really really keen ones will stick around the rest will get bored and leave and you have a better shot at long term happiness.

but I'm with everyone else ... I wish we could just say what we really thought and be done with it ... I guess that's why I usually have guy friends than girl friends because guys tend to be more up front where as girls tend to back stab.

 

[Anon88]

I have to say that when I come across a person, guy or girl, who's purposely fishing for compliments I almost always have to make a joke or purposely do everything I can to deny them at every turn of the conversation until they give up. LOL. I mean maybe if you'd stop trying so hard I'd give u a damn compliment but if I feel that ur trying to manipulate me into giving u one, UR DOOMED. You'd almost be better off just asking me, "hey do u think I'm beautiful or handsome?" Or "hey do u think I'd make a good this or a good that?" Hahahaha silly rabbits, just say what u mean.

This is probably going to sound pathetic.

I just don't get all this hinting, like when people fish for compliments or try to lead a conversation.

If a woman wants you to ask her out, why doesn't she just do the asking? Instead of saying it would be really nice if.... and other such nonsense. :S

 

[Cali Cat]

I can usually read the subtle hints, but I have a low tolerance for *****-footing. I wanna say, "Just spit it out, will ya?" Of course, I can't do that. That would be rude. So, I twiddle my thumbs and play the game until we come to the point.

 

[zurb]

I had a team leader who would often precede his conversation (read:lecture) by saying things like 'this is what I told my class today'.
And I'd think, 'that's very interesting, but why are you telling me?' He'd never outright say 'and this applies to you too' so I seldom got it.
On the otherhand I have a local friend who often complains about foreigners doing this or that, and I'm left wondering if it's an indirect comment about me, or whether he sees me as a close enough friend that he doesn't see me as being one of those foreigners.

 

[Anon88]

I can usually read the subtle hints, but I have a low tolerance for *****-footing. I wanna say, "Just spit it out, will ya?" Of course, I can't do that. That would be rude. So, I twiddle my thumbs and play the game until we come to the point.

Ur tolerance level is amazing. For me I think it depends on my mood. Because I'll either get a few laughs out of the "hinty hint" nonsense or I'll become irritated fast. I applaud u, truly.

 

[Axeman52]

If a woman wants you to ask her out, why doesn't she just do the asking?

In this particular instance I think it's some kind of sexist (in my opinion at least) social convention that says men should be the ones doing the asking, because when women do it apparently it's a sign of being desperate or something.

Just one of those unwritten rules of social interaction that makes no sense whatsoever. For the most part, I suspect that these types of crazy rules are what prevent people from saying what they mean in most situations where they try to avoid making their feelings and/or intentions obvious - because there's some silly rule that says it's inappropriate.

 

[paloftoon]

Feelings (and socialization) for that matter are not rational. Sometimes, people fear saying stuff because the rejection would hurt too much. NTs and non-NTs alike . . .

 

[Etzelaire]

I get exhausted after long periods of communication with NTs for I choose my words very carefully, sometimes I feel like I had to speak with a child who has little conscience.

 

[pax]

I have tried being "tactful" and "subtle" with NT people who were being really annoying. It didn't work. When I was straight forward they just laughed and ramped up the intensity of their annoying behaviour. Maybe they thought it was a silly thing to get annoyed about, but the fact that they didn't give a poop that they were deliberatly annoying me probably says a bit about them.

 

[radasp]

The big divide between Aspergers and Social Typicals is this: We say what we mean; they can't.

 

[grapesicles]

This would make life so much easier! Socialising with NTs in general is such a big exhausting guessing game.

 

[radasp]

Ask yourself this: if neurotypical communication skills are so "wonderful" why do neurotypicals fight so much, accuse each other of sayings things they didn't say, lie to each other, bully and tease people, don't listen, don't comprehend simple statements, and generally don't know much about reality (how the world works)? Why are they so afraid of the truth?

 

[Sass]

I don't think this is as simple as AS vs NT. The main motivator for not saying what you mean, or hinting at things in a vague way, is fear. We all get scared sometimes. Perhaps if we stopped to think of eachother's fears, or maybe spent a second to ask an extra question, or not assume that the person's words are indicative of how they feel (which is something I always see bemoaned in AS forums about NTs) this wouldn't be such an issue. Lets all just not be a**holes. Problem solved.

 

[radasp]

I think you are confusing two different things: You wouldn't say that someone who speaks French can understand someone who speaks Swahili just by being "nice" and that if they don't understand each other, it's because they are being "A-holes."
They speak different languages and languages are the product of culture - meaning they perceive the world differently. It's not AS vs. NT - we truly have different ways of processing information. NTs exist on a social pyramid of inequality; they are taught to believe that their self-worth is based on manipulating other people, and especially on using language to gain status. The NT world is not a "nice" world. This is a situation of fundamental beliefs in how people behave toward one another.

 

[Licorice]

People don't like reality. Reality is scary and sad. So, they invent ways to re-interpret it that are nicer and it's up to others to play along to avoid shattering the illusion. Unsurprisingly, this trickles down into relationships but is just part of the way that humans work.

A lot of people agree on the Just World fallacy, which is essentially that bad things happen because of bad actions or to bad people (or will eventually). Maybe it's that a hurricane destroyed a town because they were all sinners, or that someone is alone because they're a bad person - unlike the sociopaths, narcissists, and murderers who aren't. That, or it just makes them feel better to say that someone who manipulates, cheats, and schemes will be punished by some higher universal power eventually while they themselves will be left unharmed or even rewarded because they're good. It's easier to swallow than the idea of that person being significantly more successful and happier than many people who don't harm others.

Human beings are all about making things up. Our brains are even wired to try to find patterns in random noise, like the people who think they hear voices in static or see Jesus' face in toast. Supposedly even if we didn't see it before, once we do our brain won't stop looking at it that way... haven't tested this.

If people have to say things outright, then they may risk facing things that don't want to face that they can otherwise gloss over. They might have to be the one to take a risk. They might risk making people angry or upset.

 

[ThatSkyWing]

Does the following situation count?

I've had people who would ignore me when I tried to talk to them, whether it's online or it's face-to-face. But I wouldn't know what's going on with them until they would either tell me politely that I was pushing too hard, or just snap and say something like they don't f**ing like me. I get so confused and ask myself, "What did I do wrong? I was just trying to be friendly." It's so frustrating because I still don't know when to stop trying to contact a person unless they tell me up front in the first place. THis happened to me TWICE. I really wish I knew any socal cues or signals so I know when to leave someone alone.

That's happened to me before, too. I just wish they could tell me upfront if they liked me/wanted to talk to me, or if they don't care what I say, or if they want me to leave them alone.

 

[STR]

In addition to "saying what they mean", I also wish people would "mean what they say". I take words very seriously, and once I have said something, I feel obligated to act on it. There are certain people in my life who drive me crazy because they constantly say things that they don't follow through on, and I never know if they didn't mean them when they said them, or if they simply don't feel any obligation to do what they said they were going to do.

 

[radasp]

It isn't what we say - you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure that out. Social normals (neurotypicals) are constantly aware of their social status: they lie, bully, are rude, and not friendly to people they judge to be "beneath them." (That's us!)They will suck up to people higher than themselves on the social pyramid - also a performance full of lies, because they expect that flattery will get attention and possibly higher status.

All you need to know is that social typicals behave according to a game that excludes honesty and equality. If you don't have anything they want, you are nothing to them.

 

[wyverary]

It isn't what we say - you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure that out. Social normals (neurotypicals) are constantly aware of their social status: they lie, bully, are rude, and not friendly to people they judge to be "beneath them." (That's us!)They will suck up to people higher than themselves on the social pyramid - also a performance full of lies, because they expect that flattery will get attention and possibly higher status.

All you need to know is that social typicals behave according to a game that excludes honesty and equality. If you don't have anything they want, you are nothing to them.

I don't know what your precise experiences are, but to me that is a gross generalization that certainly doesn't apply to every person out there. Not everyone in NT-land is "Type-A Seize The World By The Balls And Damned Anyone Who Stands In My Way!"

 

[radasp]

I don't know what your precise experiences are, but to me that is a gross generalization that certainly doesn't apply to every person out there. Not everyone in NT-land is "Type-A Seize The World By The Balls And Damned Anyone Who Stands In My Way!"

I'm describing the social structure that exists; it's a SYSTEM that by definition Aspies are not aware of. I have found that describing how the social system works causes bells to go off in many Aspie minds; instead of blaming themselves and being utterly confused, they can observe social typicals in a new and realistic way, and filter out the bullies and social climbers and find neurotypicals who are capable of an Aspie-style friendship.