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Why Am I Still Alive? (Not a Rant but Sensitive Topic)

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by AuBurney Tuckerson, Jan 19, 2020.

  1. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Nobody's telling you to suffer in silence! I told you to get a therapist and work hard with that person. But you are limiting the people you will tell your problems to, to your mother or no-one. Well, that was not my message at all. You do deserve to be heard, but it appears that your mother is not the right person at this point in your life.
     
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  2. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    I never said you told me to do that. I just said I decided to, so I wouldn't bother her.
     
  3. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    Good news is that me and her are on better terms today (even though it's off and on a lot). She found out I was sick and gave me some meds. I didn't take them myself earlier cause it's kinda hard to swallow so many pills in a day cause I take one pill for anxiety and another one for gerd. I was no expecting her to do this, but she did. Though I know I should've taken pills myself, but I didn't really want to go looking for pills and trying to swallow them. She also gavee money to to get checked for the flu (cause I don't have money). I thanked her and really appreciate it.
     
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2020
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  4. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    Thank you all for your support. I will take the advice, and stop relying on my mother for everything. I just needed advice and someone to listen. Somewhere safe to express my true feelings and not feel bad. I will have this thread taken down soon, but I will take note of all of your advice. Thanks again for supporting me in my hour of need.
     
    Last edited: Jan 22, 2020
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  5. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    Truly didn't have much mother support growing up. Mine was just painfully absent re: everything. So l think as young adults, we internalize this and decide we are the problem when in essence that's not the case. It's just that for some reason you are not the priority child. My brother was the golden child and really could do no wrong and was younger like your brother. To this day, he still is the special one and whatever he says is considered law. So the dynamics never changed like 40 years later. So what l am really saying is you can continue to beat yourself up because your mom makes absolutely no sense or you can take the high road and realise that it's wrong, and you can't change the dynamics. You need to filter out her negative msg of you can't do this, insert your own msg l can do what l dam please in my lifetime. Next time she says oh you can never do that. Take a deep breath,count to 10 slowly. And say: Sure mom, whatever, let's talk about something else ,(because you know your mom doesn't have it in her to give you unconditional love). Now this could be the way she was raised. I broke that pattern with my daughter and did my best to give her unconditional love. I broke the generational abuse pattern. So step back, stop internalizing her negative msgs. In fact, ask her about how she was raised. Was she given full emotional support? You might be surprised at what she tells you. My mother still hates her mom because she was put in a boarding school. What my mom fails to understand is that her mother worked a 40 hour week job, and a boarding school at that time was the best her mom could do for her. But my mom is unable to see outside of herself to this day. She really hated the boarding school.

    Hope you can think a little about this. Hormones make everything very intense, all our feelings really seem to dominate us turning teenage years. Eventually your mind and body will get on the same path. By 25, l felt a lot better about things.
     
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  6. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    Thanks. I'm 20 at the moment, but I know how my mother was raised. She's been nicer ti us than the way grandma raised her, growing up. I don't get abused or anything. My family does have a lack of understanding, though.
     
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  7. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    They may never understand, but don't spend your lifetime trying to convince them just go out and grab life by the horns, take control. You have picked something you want to do, so know you need to research how you can make it happen. I went to Europe after high school. We had no computers back then, l went to the library and researched it There, everything was snail mail. I saved up my babysitting money and left for a year. I was a babysitter abroad, my family abroad treated me like a valued member then l realised my parents had zero expections but this family felt l could do anything. So start researching how you can make your dream job come true, start looking for ways to get into that field. Get a notebook and research at least once a week. You can also try to get hired on as vet assistant, you may find you like it so much that you may end up blocking out the noise distractions! I deal with noise but l can come home and sit in silence. Anyways, try to keep moving forward and try to get ahead in your career choice.
     
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  8. VAW

    VAW Active Member

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    When I read what you wrote it touches me! My son who is the Aspie says the same thing, he just said he doesn't like living this empty life, he wishes he could just die and maybe there is peace there. He has also considered himself a monster with no feelings. I have been his support and tried to make him feel better about himself and sometimes I think he does but then it will go right back to not wanting to live this meaningless life. It was very hard to understand being a mother of course you want your children to be happy and all the things that to me considered to live a normal happy life. Maybe meet a girl and have someone who understands and can support your feelings, to do things with, maybe have kids of their own. The only girl he wanted left him and he feels no connection with anyone else. He talked with her constantly every day for years, then one day she moved in with someone else. broke all ties to him. MY son has me for support, sometimes I get frustrated but never try and show it, but I so hate hearing how he is so unhappy and has no feeling and doesn't want to live this life anymore. He also has his brother's and sisters who support him but are not constantly around. Although he does live with his one brother. So even though he has support it doesn't seem to matter, he is still empty inside. He is a very good looking guy, goes to the gym and is physically fit on the outside. With his looks, he is 6'3 inches tall, and he is a very meek guy, gets compliments anywhere he goes, women turn to look at him because he is always dressed nice and is a good looking guy! I always told him (before we knew he had ASD) You have the world at your hands! You could have anything you want, be anything you want and yet you don't do it! You have our support, I would do anything for you, you are loved and needed! Of course I was in a bad marriage, his dad was mentally abusive to him and us, he was held back because of that I know, and also had 5 kids so I couldn't always just deal with what he wanted when they were kids, he could have done so much but maybe in some ways I let him down too and never really gave him a push or did things for him to get him ready. I don't know? AS far as knowing more about ASD from this site and others I can say you are no monster!!!! I wish I knew what to say to make it all better but I don't, I still deal with it every day too. It must be very hard to feel that way inside and still live a life but on the inside feel empty. IF you ever want to talk I am here or maybe even my son would talk on texting? not sure.. I don't know what to say to make it better for you, it seems to be how many Aspie's feel. But if you want to talk just send me a PM and we can chat, sometimes letting out your feeling to someone who isn't going to judge you and understands your feeling does help somewhat. Believe me, as a mother YOU are not worthless, even though it may not feel like it! You... just the way you are bring joy to your mother, but we are not perfect either and sometimes don't show it like we should. OR even say things we don't really mean too when we get mad or frustrated. Sometimes It is hard to talk to your mother or a loved one that you don't want to hurt so in doing so it makes you feel worst because now you think you have hurt them just expressing your own feelings. So you never really get the chance to let those feeling out. I have always had someone to talk too, my aunts or uncle's and sometimes it does feel better just to have someone understand where you are coming from. So like I said if you want to talk feel free, I am a good listener.
     
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  9. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Love hurts. Love is difficult because it does hurt. The reason it hurts is because you care for the person(s) you love. If you didn't love the person you wouldn't care what they felt, what they went through, what they struggles with, etc. I learned this from being a mom. Yes, every thing my kids did or felt affected me - they are part of me and that's just the way it is. So it's not that YOU are hurting others.
     
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  10. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    Thanks.
     
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  11. oregano

    oregano is dreaming of desolation

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    I was the same way when I was your age. I graduated HS on a Friday, packed over the weekend, and moved out on Monday. My horrible narcissistic dad smirked and said "I'll leave your room empty, cause you'll be back in a month." And my psych at the time backed him up! Both of them were utterly mystified when it didn't happen. But when I was living with my parents? Yeah I just wanted to die because I was told by nearly everybody in my life that I was a cancer on society that was sucking up resources, a "useless eater" in conspiracist jargon. Once I got out I started healing. It sounds like you're simply in a toxic environment, and need an out. In my day SSI was a LOT easier to get than it is now, so at least I could pay rent and buy food (and at a time when the post-9/11 inflationary period was in the future, so $600 went a lot farther than now), so I could move out. Today it's much harder. But you need to find a way. As for @VAW's kid, there's possibly some mental illness involved there. I've always been short and (after puberty) fat, so women hate me.
     
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  12. VAW

    VAW Active Member

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    After having him tested by a neuropsychologist all she wrote was he had ASD (mild case) high anxiety disorder and evasive personality disorder... but could have much more that we haven't dug into yet. He is 30 now and I think he probably hides his disorder pretty good, it is the inside that gets hit with it. He also has a severe case of UC and horrible migraines so some of that may come from pain day after day also. But his father was also mentally abusive, no one did anything right, we were all stupid and his yelling was almost constant. IF I stuck up for him then he was a mama's boy, if I didn't then the yelling kept up so either way you went you were wrong and he was always right. I think there is a healing time with all of that. and a feeling of not being good enough or a drain on society! I tried to counteract that with a lot of love but my life wasn't easy either with 5 kids, no support and trying to work...(after I left him) The other kids are all fine and I wish I could find the answer completely for him.... maybe he does have some mental issues??? IT could take a life time to figure yourself out.
     
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  13. Jenisautistic

    Jenisautistic Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Wow that was hard to read because it was so extremely deep

    My heart feels for you so much because I’ve been through similar situations I know I deeply do not want to admit it had some of those similar feelings If not the same In certain things
    First want to tell you that you’re not alone

    and I think you are very strong to be going through all this pain and still surviving I am sorry for all you’re going through

    I may not know you but I don’t think you’re a burden

    and I believe you deserve to live and hopefully Will be able to have a better life for a better tomorrow

    I don’t know what to say or how to help but feel free to vent as much as you can
    It help me when I was going through all this stuff

    The only advice I can give is very subjective

    when I try to do it I’m trying to find a person or something in my life that I want to work for a cause whatever it is One thing I can focus on that I want to Live for essentially No matter what that thing is Or who it is for Anything that matters to you can be it

    originally it was for my friend just a young girl who had down syndrome and who was being mistreated and neglected Somewhat in my camp and being miss judged of our friendship through the counselors

    she felt so alone at least I believe she did and I made it my mission in The time that I have with her before to let her to know she had a friend to know that she was important

    after that it became advocacy in general and then make sure nobody goes to the Trumatic events or anything similar at all to what I went through

    no matter how small I believe somehow I will and can make a difference in the world and you can too No matter what it is something you believe in

    sending you lots of love and Understanding
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
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  14. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    That is really beautiful. You have a huge heart, thanks for looking out for another female on the planet! Females need to stand together and stop abuse.