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Why Am I Still Alive? (Not a Rant but Sensitive Topic)

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by AuBurney Tuckerson, Jan 19, 2020.

  1. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    Well.. Here I am again... The useless crap that everyone knows and hates. I honestly see no value in my life. In fact, the world would be better off without me, including my own mother. My mother tells me I'm not a burden cause I'm her child, but then she says I'm putting stress on her with my problems. It makes me hate myself more to learn that I'm hurting my own mother, and sometimes, I wish I didn't exist. I just cause pain and stress on people. Hell, I'm stressed all the time, myself. People put their own feelings against mine all the time to guilt trip me, and I have to hide my feelings from my mother to avoid that. Or else, she will throw her own feelings at me and imply that some unappreciative brat who has everything she wants. But I don't have everything I want. I don't have emotional support. I don't have happiness.. I don't have self love. All I have is self-hate, and it grows more and more the longer I live. It gets stronger the more people try to throw their own feelings over mine and guilt trip me. I can't tell my feelings to anyone in person without them belittling mine as "blaming others". My mother thought I was blaming her yesterday (or earlier this morning) when I said that she was holding providing everything and fixing all my problems over my head. She thinks I'm seeing her ad a bad guy and being unappreciative. And I tried to tell her that I'm not blaming her. It's that when she puts her own feelings on me and points out that I'm hurting her, that's making me want to just beat myself even more. I mean, I already care about her feelings, but I know that mine don't matter to anyone. Maybe I'm not allowed to have feelings. Maybe I don't deserve anyone's love and support. I don't even deserve to be alive right now. And while I'm too weak to do actual harm to myself, I continue to suffer in silence. I continue to spend nights, crying alone in bed, wishing for my death to come early. No one would care or miss me. No one would notice. They just see me as some "attentions seeking brat who's unappreciative". When I die, they will be rid of the little ball of stress and misery that is me. I'm worthless. A nobody. I can't do anything right. All I do is hurt the people around me when I don't mean to. Am I evil? Was I only made to be miserable or make everyone else miserable? Or was I just a mistake that should never be here in the first place? I could never show the note I written to my mother because she won't understand. She'll just see me as an unappreciative loser who disrespects everything she did for me. But what she doesn't understand is that I actually hate myself, and by constantly feeling hurt when I try to talk about my feelings, it just shows me that my feelings don't matter. I'm just a miserable lifeform that just hurts everyone. That time I got lost on the way home, I think back to that time and think that I should've just stayed lost. No one would want me here, anyway. Everyone would think I'm just blaming them when I really blame myself for everything. While my mother had all the emotional support from my mother, I have none. She would happily be his shoulder to cry on. I have no shoulder to cry on. I don't deserve one. I deserve to cry alone, and I'm used to it. I can't get a shoulder to cry on because everyone else would just put their feelings on me and be hurt by my own feelings. They'll tell me they have it worse, and that would just make me feel even worse. Not that anyone would care. No amount of therapy would help me. I would just be putting stress and frustration on other people. My life has no value, and I see no point in living it. But there's nothing else I could do except to cry alone every night until i finally die. I already know I'm going to the bad place after I die. There's no place for an evil soul like me in Heaven. I wouldn't be surprised of God didn't let me in. I wouldn't be surprised if Jesus hated me. I'm just a Hateable person, and I'm sure you all do by now, too. You all probably see me as annoying just like anyone else does. I'm not surprised. If Jesus was to come back by one person dying, let it be me. Trade evil for good. Jesus deserves to live more than everyone, but everyone else deserves to live more than me. I'm probably the most expendable person here. The only places I can spill my feelings are here and with a friend I stay in contact withwith to avoid the wrong people seeing it. My feelings are taken the wrong way, and I doubt anyone would understand. My worry of doing something that will get me banned is still active. I already know I'm gonna mess up big time, but I just don't know how, yet. I already messed up before on here. Why can't I do anything right? I can't just ask for emotional support without offending anyone or looking like some selfish attention-seeking burden. So I continue to suffer in silence. If I have health issues or get horribly wounded one day, then so be it. I won't bother anyone anymore. Except to say 'goodbye', that is. I won't do any self-harm because that just counts as attention-seeking, and that would fail, anyway. Plus, I would just get locked up or something. No one would care what caused these thoughts or feelings. I would just be shut away from the rest of the world. I'm forced to hide my feelings in person and only let them out when I'm alone where i can't hurt anyone. I may seem happy on the outside when enjoying certain things, but on the inside, I feel like I don't deserve the joys. I don't deserve anyone to love or care about me. I would be better off erased from existence (like Margles from Adventure Time when she was taken by GOLB). I contribute nothing to the world. For now, I just sit and cry fie the rest of my life as the world moves on. I will still work hard in college and get my career, but during my time at home, I sit in sorrow. Well, if anyone ever reads this before I get possibly banned or have my thread taken down, this is how I really feel and have always felt. None of you know me in person, but you now know how I truly feel in real life.
     
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  2. Alexej

    Alexej Well-Known Member

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    Sorry, but I neither know you nor hate you.
     
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  3. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    "Margles was a Martian woman who was once King Man's wife. As revealed in "You Forgot Your Floaties," she was taken away by the powerful deity GOLB, which encouraged King Man, then called Magic Man, to create a defense system in her image. However, this defense system ultimately failed, causing her to fall off Olympus Mons, a Martian volcano, which Abe Lincoln mentions was the beginning of Magic Man's jerky attitude.

    Once King Man becomes the ruler of Mars, statues depicting Margles decorate the landscape of the Martian city."
    Margles
    GOLB

    Background information for anyone who has never heard of this series.
     
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  4. Dr. Eh Hol

    Dr. Eh Hol not a real doctor

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    Aw, I love self-hatred. I used to be the king of it.

    Problem is, you get so hung up figuring out why you suck so much that you forget to account for why everyone else sucks more...kinda like how your mom and your faith are both manipulating you.

    And, they are manipulating you and making you feel this way. Care to convince me otherwise? Care to convince yourself otherwise??
     
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  5. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I've felt, said, and written many similar things. I know how it feels to truly believe it'd be better if I were dead, and I know what it feels like to beg all night to die as soon as possible. I've felt countless times that God hates me, and that I don't deserve to feel or be anything good because I am inherently and entirely bad. I understand what it feels like to be entirely convinced nothing will ever change.

    I also know what it feels like to be proved wrong, about everything, when just the opposite of all those terrible things is finally felt. It feels indescribably amazing. And it does happen eventually.

    The problem is, if you're as like me as it seems, you won't believe me and this won't be helpful at all, but I can at least guarantee you of a few things anyway:

    1. God loves you.
    2. You deserve to be loved.
    3. People here don't hate you.

    Of course none of these will feel true. Unfortunately our feelings are lying whores. But good luck with everything. I'll pray for you.
     
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
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  6. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    For discussions regarding faith based belief systems, please use Religion
     
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  7. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    I know. I've watched the series and read on the wiki. It gave me anxiety. But I know you can't really be erased from existence.
     
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  8. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    Ok. I should have left that part out since it's really off topic to what I'm really talking about.
     
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  9. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    But how do I do that? I've only known to hate myself, and it's almost impossible for me to see myself as good in any way. If I did, the feeling is either fake or temporary.
     
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  10. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    Thanks. I just wish I didn't hurt or annoy the people I love. Only one person, well, in person (not over the internet) has shows some support to me. She doesn't throw her own feelings on me and guilt trip me with them. She doesn't make me feel worse by saying she has it worse. She listens and shows me that my feelings matter to at least someone, even though I try not to spill too much cause I don't want to hurt her like my mother. That's why I don't text her much when I'm hurting. I hurt in silence most of the time cause I don't wanna come off as attentions seeking or too negative. My friend has been the only shoulder I have to cry on outside the internet. The only person I can trust to not belittle my feelings or berate me assuming I'm unappreciative. My mother thinks I'm just a spoiled brat who get everything she wants and doesn't appreciate it. But that's not true. I actually feel that i don't deserve it. That I'm not good enough. My brother's the perfect one. He's normal. He doesn't annoy everyone with his problems. Mom would be his shoulder to cry on when he's down and needs a hug. I don't get those things, and I see that it's not just cause I'm an adult. I mean, she tells me that in the real world, no one will care about how I feel. But why does that seem to include her? Why does she think that I'm blaming her when I tell her how I feel? I try to tell her that I'm not blaming her and what I actually feel, but she just brushes it off as just "life". My friend is the only one I can trust to spill my guts to outside the forums. Outside any forums. I even wrote a long note to my mother, but she will take it the wrong way if I let her read it. She'll just think I don't love or appreciate her when I really just hate myself and feel like she's right to not care. She's right to ignore my feelings. I deserve to be alone. But if I tell her that, she just thinks I'm putting words in her mouth or getting an attitude. If I told her I had suicidal thoughts, she would have me locked up in a mental facility or claim I'll never get a job "acting like that". She tells me to be positive, but how? She won't even support how I feel. I know I'm an adult, but does that mean my feelings don't matter to her? Should I just be thrown away? And it just stabs me more in the wound when my mother tells me I'm hurting her, stressing her with my problems.
     
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  11. Dr. Eh Hol

    Dr. Eh Hol not a real doctor

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    You don't see your feelings and opinions as valuable. But, you do see your mother's opinions and feelings as accurate, justified, and true.

    Because of this, you cannot seek self-acceptance because anything you tell yourself you see as wrong or at best a guess. Anything your mom tells you, you enforce because of the weight you give her influence over your psyche. Your mom is manipulating you* and will never allow you to feel strong and valuable.

    As silly and impossible as it may seem, you must come face to face with the fact that your feelings are equally as valid and valuable as your mother's feelings are.

    *(I really don't know your mom or the dynamics of your relationship. To help, I'm siding with you just for consistency. That being said, mothers can be ferociously manipulative - on purpose or accidentally, say mimicking their mother's behavior. But, you must assess whether or not your mom is malicious or just reactionary. Do be clear when you speak of this relationship)

    --

    BTW - everyone fakes happiness, confidence, sanity. All NTs too. Everyone occasionally doubts the value of their opinions and existence. Never feel like you're the only one.
     
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  12. Dr. Eh Hol

    Dr. Eh Hol not a real doctor

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    Why?

    I think you think social rules are written in stone. They aren't - social rules are flexible and negotiable.
     
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  13. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Contributing starts pretty small. Like taking out the trash or making your Mom a cup of tea. And for most of us it remains pretty small. But it is enough.
     
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  14. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    I try to be clear enough but I get caught off guard and have nothing to say when she confronts me.
     
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  15. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I understand. For many years, I only had one person in-person to support me, and for a while I had no one. It's so wonderful that you do have someone.

    As for these unsupportive people in your life, I'm not necessarily advising you with this but it's just what I've done: I've "given up" on them. It's in quotes because I still interact with them and care about them, but as far as getting certain things from them, I've given up on that. Any feelings I've ever discussed with my mother have been dismissed and twisted and turned around into some sort of attack I'm doing on her. I just don't interact with her on that level. Same goes for other people, such as siblings. I cut them off in many areas.

    It might not seem like it, but having one person to support you, as well as the internet, is quite a lot. That can be powerful. Of course, seek more support, but banging your head against a wall trying to force support from those refusing it can be endless and hard.
     
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  16. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    Your situation sounds exactly like mine, unfortunately. I will have to start doing the same thing, but it'll be hard. It just hurts, and I hate to think or say anything bad about my own mother, but you're right... You're all right.. I'm just gonna have to give up on her. I can't move out cause I don't know how to live independently, yet, and I like being at home, surrounded by family cause I feel at home. But as far as emotional support, it's gonna be very hard to let go... It seems like my mother only cares about me "owing her" or "respecting her", but for years, I've done nothing but suck up til now. :cry::pensive::persevere:
     
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  17. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    Stop expecting your mother to support you. You need an independent third party to help you. Don't say no amount of therapy will help. Find a good therapist and work hard with them on moving past all these blockages.

    The reason I say stop expecting your mother to support you is that you have a lot of conflicts, real or imagined, with her. At least some of the time, you are probably misinterpreting her actions and motives. Be a good kid but stop expecting her to be your source of emotional support.

    I hope you recognize that you are getting support from these people who replied to your thread.
     
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  18. Dr. Eh Hol

    Dr. Eh Hol not a real doctor

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    I'm not advocating this. If anything, I say asserting your autonomy - firmly, politely - is the best. You must confront this, or else you will never be able to move on. Don't let emotions lead to you yelling or accusing. It will take practice to be the adult in the situation.

    It never gets easier, BTW, you just get used to dealing with situations and people. I'm ok with familiar folk, but new people always throw my balance out the window. Sometimes I care.

    From what I've seen, it hurts the mother more than the child when the child takes their independence.

    But, "giving up on her" is a bad sign that you think all or nothing - a common problem with ASDs is they lack understanding degree. You must think and act as an adult, which requires a lot of empathy and flexibility. If your mother lacks the ability to adult properly, you can ensure you do not.

    How do you handle college? What is your motivation?
     
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  19. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    Animals. Veterinary Technician.
     
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  20. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson ~GigglesTheAutisticHyena~

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    I don't. But I haven't got much as a kid. I do realize that you all are supporting me here, and I appreciate it. I just want her to stop telling me that "I'll never do this, and I'll never do that" or that I'm acting out when I'm reacting in pain. She sometimes compared me to my brother, and I feel inferior cause of that. I mean, he may be a child, but it's like he's what she wants in a child. I'm fine with her telling me to make my own decisions and not rely on her. But when it comes to my sensory problems and "heart attack scares" I've been having. She said that texting her about it was stressing her out, and I feel like a bad person cause of that. I've actually been having palpitations and episodes in my sleep, and because I'm back stuck in school, I'm worried that it'll affect my schoolwork. I can't afford to miss a day. I even went to class Friday, even though I felt unwell, but I had piles of homework to do. I mean, but that's why I'm saying that if she doesn't want me to talk to her about the problems I'm having, I'll just suffer in silence. I don't wanna stress her anymore. I'll just keep it to myself.
     
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