When touch becomes unbearable

[poey]

Hello,

I can handle many things in my relationship with my partner. We are pretty normal when it comes to a lesbian couple.
Most times i can handle being touched, whether it be a touch on the arm or a gentle massage, or even more intimate touch.
Other days, what would normally not bother me, does. It is as if i'm being attacked... even though there is no malicious intent behind the touch.
It is almost like, when someone comes at you to tickle you... Is that apprehension?
Anyhow, i go on high alert, and it hurts my NT wifes' feelings, as she feels rejected.

Do any of you suffer the same? If so,
a: how do you deal with it
b: express that it's not your partner you're rejecting
c: any other advice?

Thanks for your time

-p

 

[imagesbyholly]

I like to think of it as only having so many "people credits." I have more when I'm relaxed, less when I'm stresssed/overwhealmed, or physically exhausted, or hungry/ low on protein or magnesium. I can only take so much of peopel, including touch, wich I like, until I cross the "it's too much" threshhold. Then if feels almost like pain, or a nervouse itch all through my nervous system and into my brain (brain "itch" is the worst!). It's not easy for NT's to understand, but my husband is starting to get it. Sometimes I just have to go sleep on the couch for a night to rest from being surrounded by people. You can explain this to people in a very careful, loving way, and that it's you being overwhealmed/ sensory overload. Of course that doesn't mean they will understand. But if you schedule "no touch" time for yourself, (alone time), it may help you to feel better when you are around people.

 

[Soup]

that's exactly how I feel much of the time. I'm an Aspie married to another Aspie. He doesn't seem to have the touch 'thing' anywhere near as severely as I do. Sometimes, I swear I can literally feel someone looking at me: as if their 'eyeball gasses' or something are boring into me. Now that the kids are grown & not touchy-feely it is less difficult, because as Holly put it, I have more people credits available.

Since I know I'm like this, I deal with it by taking pre-emptive action: I wear only clothing that is loose, tagless, non itchy & super comfortable (90% of the time, it means some kind of hoodie). I try to keep a distance from others should I have to go into a public space so I don't waste my few precious credits on accidental bumping & jostling. This can mean waiting for an empty elevator or taking stairs. Using the self check out at stores minimizes eyeballing & blabbering.

Your partner may have to learn some compromise accommodation strategies such as:

- Agreeing to NOT suddenly creep up out of nowhere & hug or grab you in any way (almost clocked my husband reflexively with a big frying pan once for doing this. I hadn't heard him approaching & ...well... it could've wound up in an emergency ward!!!)

- Learning that you aren't likely to initiate spontaneous physical affection like many partners do & that it doesn't mean you're deliberately ignoring, neglecting or are angry at them.

- Understanding that the foot massage that you 'enjoyed' (okay...survived & tolerated) on Tuesday may send you running for the hills screaming on Wednesday & NO, you're NOT schizophrenic or suffering from multiple personality disorder.

- Knowing that if you have no expression whatsoever on your face, you're not being surly or expressing an 'attitude' (or some weird passive aggressive crap): that's just what your face looks like.

 

[imagesbyholly]

Haha can you tell I was shaking like a leaf when I typed that earlier? Half the words are misspelled. Soup- I like what you said about having no expression on your face. People constantly asking me what was wrong in Jr. High and Highschool. I was like, "what the heck? I'm fine!"

 

[poey]

OMG, people ask me what's wrong all the time!
It's my face. It looks like that because i dont' feel like exerting the muscles it takes to make my face look animated.

I remember my dad telling me, "There's nothing wrong with you. You just don't smile very often, so people think you're mad or sad. Smile more and people will be your friend."

 

[Soup]

"Smile more and people will be your friend." -poey's dad

"YIKES!" -Soup the Aspie

There's a good reason to maintain a neutral expression right there! More friends = more people trying to hug you, kiss you on both cheeks, whisper into your ears, convince you to 'hang out' (or engage in other baffling, time-wasting behaviours).

Whenever I venture into the NT world, I have to remind myself to arrange my face into some kind of grimace. I've learned how to affect a fairly pleasant-looking Mona Lisa smile. My face is so accustomed to appearing neutral that the muscles get sore from having to contort themselves into a so-called 'expression'. It really isn't worth the bother.

 

[poey]

Yikes is right!

I didn't want friends. But i think i was around 8 years old, and was asking him why people were in cliques and i wasn't in one.
He assumed i wanted friends. But that was far from the case.

Just wanted to know why people were forming groups really.

I agree, the muscles in my face feel the same when i force expressions. Sore.
I always thought i was just lazy. LOL

 

[Soup]

We Aspies tend to lack that social clumping gene.

 

[King_Oni]

For a big part I'm steering clear from physical contact with most people. I'm no germophobe, but I don't see the appeal in hugging and shaking hands.

With my partner, it's somewhat different. Perhaps, it's a bit of affection playing along there. But even with her, I don't really have the urge to go all hugging and clumping together all the time, every time. We're doing the long distance relationship thing, and a reason amongst others is that I don't crave that daily physical contact that much.

Luckily I told me girlfriend this long before we hooked up, adding in that she's an aspie as well (though not as "troubled" with physical contact as me), she knew what she was getting into as well as understands why I have certain issues the way I do.

Heh; reading about facial expressions... people always ask me to smile more, but I see no reason to do so. The current facial expression is way easier for me mentally, since I don't have to remind myself to have a different expression than the one that feels most natural. I hate to think "I hate to put up a smile" 16 hours a day or so... it'll drive me nuts.

As for "smile more, people will be your friends"... I'm fine with having a handful of "friends" and just those, no more than those. Those are fine with me not looking like I just escaped from emoticon labour camp.

The only on-topic advice I could give is talk to your wife; tell her that it's not neccesarily that you go all out expressing everything. You might even go as far as telling her you'd rather explicitly express to her when something actually is wrong. Not saying anything would mean "everything's ok". But you have to be kinda straight to the point and upfront about it yourself though, that's hard for some people.

 

[poey]

Thanks for the responses ladies and gents.
From the advice above, and after talking with her, we decided to use a version of the spoon theory.


She has Rheumatoid Arthritis & Fibromyalgia, and we know the Spoon Theory, which is how we gauge her energy level.

So after a brief discussion, we may use a version of the above theory in regards to touch. Possibly expanding onto "I don't have enough social spoons to handle meeting up with friends or going shopping, etc."


-p

 

[Soup]

Hey Poey: I've got Fibro too & Ankylosing Spondylitis as a bonus (more like the other way around: the Fibro was the gift with purchase). The both together is Latin for OOUUCCHH & Swahili for I WANNA SLEEEEEEP! Add being an Aspie into the pot & you can see that it becomes complicated. People have often told me to my face that they thought I was faking (why: to get a free cane?!?)

I like the spoon theory & it applies to many people with conditions that cause hyper-vigilance & a constant concern for the repercussions of the most anal choices (like what shoes we decide to wear). Another way I've tried explaining it to people was to say this: imagine getting an entirely different body throughout the day. You'll be minding your business sipping a latte & WHAM! You get slammed into a different body. It may appear very similar & the clothing is the same, BUT it is behaving differently. The new one has an achy neck, dreadfully sore hips & a foggy brain. Just when you think you've managed to figure out how to manage this body, WHAM! You're slapped right into another one. This makes it VERY hard for us to describe how we're feeling because 5 minutes ago you felt one way, now it's something else & by the time we take 10 minutes explaining it, the new body will be there with a new set of issues.

I can see where people thing Fibro patients are faking it. There are so many symptoms no Dr seems able to scientifically quantify. Blood,Urine & other typical tests come back negative. Also, many of us look great! WEll, we deserve to! With all the crap we feel & live with, why should we have to look like Quasi-modo with it?!?

 

[Pella]

People used to tell me to smile all the time, and it annoyed me whether i was feeling ok or not, so i would say "I can't, it hurts my face" and it sort of did, mostly i guess it felt unnatural. Now its like, unless smiling is a part of my job, why should i have to smile so you feel better?

 

[Pella]

Hey Poey: I've got Fibro too & Ankylosing Spondylitis as a bonus (more like the other way around: the Fibro was the gift with purchase). The both together is Latin for OOUUCCHH & Swahili for I WANNA SLEEEEEEP! Add being an Aspie into the pot & you can see that it becomes complicated. People have often told me to my face that they thought I was faking (why: to get a free cane?!?)

So I have arthritis, and I have back pain since i was sixteen I twisted it funny doing something at work and it hasn't been the same since, the doctor will do some kind of chiropractic thing to it and it feels better, but when i am standing too long, bend for too long, etc, it just kills. Its true I don't work, and my boyfriend does work 40 hours a week. He has fibromyalgia and Rheumatiod Arthritis, I understand he has pain and stuff and its gotta be bad, and he still manages to go to work and stuff. But whenever I say I am in pain, he will say things like "I am the one with Fibromyalgia and Rheumatiod Arthritis" Like he has a right to feel pain and I don't. It really upsets me, I can't seem to work through the pain the way he can, and I feel guilty enough for not being able to get things done, but when he says stuff like that it makes me feel worse. Since you have all three, I am wondering am I just being a baby, or what?

 

[poey]

But whenever I say I am in pain, he will say things like "I am the one with Fibromyalgia and Rheumatiod Arthritis" Like he has a right to feel pain and I don't. It really upsets me, I can't seem to work through the pain the way he can, and I feel guilty enough for not being able to get things done, but when he says stuff like that it makes me feel worse. Since you have all three, I am wondering am I just being a baby, or what?

My wife has Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, and is NeuroTypical. She tells me that her pain does not negate my pain in any way. Just because she's in pain all the time, i still can express that i'm in pain and she helps me as she is able to, and accepts that her pain doesn't overshadow everyone elses pain. Sometimes she does get a bit miffed about people complaining continuously about something small like a cold, but is super accepting. I'm sorry your boyfriend hasn't come to this realization yet, but i hope he will someday. Fingers crossed!!

 

[poey]

Hey Poey: I've got Fibro too & Ankylosing Spondylitis as a bonus (more like the other way around: the Fibro was the gift with purchase). The both together is Latin for OOUUCCHH & Swahili for I WANNA SLEEEEEEP! Add being an Aspie into the pot & you can see that it becomes complicated. People have often told me to my face that they thought I was faking (why: to get a free cane?!?)

I like the spoon theory & it applies to many people with conditions that cause hyper-vigilance & a constant concern for the repercussions of the most anal choices (like what shoes we decide to wear). Another way I've tried explaining it to people was to say this: imagine getting an entirely different body throughout the day. You'll be minding your business sipping a latte & WHAM! You get slammed into a different body. It may appear very similar & the clothing is the same, BUT it is behaving differently. The new one has an achy neck, dreadfully sore hips & a foggy brain. Just when you think you've managed to figure out how to manage this body, WHAM! You're slapped right into another one. This makes it VERY hard for us to describe how we're feeling because 5 minutes ago you felt one way, now it's something else & by the time we take 10 minutes explaining it, the new body will be there with a new set of issues.

I love your humor about the Fibro and Anyklosing Spondylitis. Not many people can have a sense of humor after such debilitating illnesses, and it always makes me smile when people are still getting the best of life out of what they can. My wife LOVE LOVE LOVED your different body theory. As i read it to her, she exclaimed, "YES, that's exactly it!!"

When people accuse her of faking it, in a subtle or not so subtle way, she takes umbridge, and politely says, "why yes, it was my childhood dream to grow up and do nothing and stare at the four walls of my house and try to stay entertained."

 

[Soup]

"When people accuse her of faking it, in a subtle or not so subtle way, she takes umbridge, and politely says, "why yes, it was my childhood dream to grow up and do nothing and stare at the four walls of my house and try to stay entertained." -Mrs.Poey

HAHAHA! That one got me laughing. There actually are dim witted people who think that people who are home all day dealing with a chronic illness are LUCKY because they don't 'have to' go to work. Do they think chronically ill people have magical self-cleaning houses? That the laundry gets up & voluntarily washes itself? I remember looking foreward to going to work so I could feel better rested! When you're at home, you see one thing after another that needs doing: homes manufacture labour. Daytime tv is really for the intrepid: game shows, soap operas...the options are endless! You can feel your IQ dropping like a stone just thinking about it.

Glad she liked the different body theory. I've had 2 different bodies so far today: the one I woke up with was made of un-oiled solid steel, the one I have now is all rubbery & flaccid (drops everything, spills stuff, wants to shlunk down into a heap...) My mind, however, is the same as it always is! Since it is a cool crisp dry sunny day, the new body ought to arrive momentarily. That one works quite well for small bursts so long as I don't over-do it. Please keep an eagle eye out for it: if it ambles by, you can snatch it & give it to your wife to use for a while (I support sharing!) since I've got some computer stuff to do & won't be needing it right away.

I think that one of the only effective ways to survive a chronic illness that'll never get better is to have a sense of humour about it. Funny things DO happen. this morning, I was walking like Charlie Chaplin. Since I'm short & slim, it really did look like I was doing impressions! While raising a spoonful of yoghurt (NOT ROCKET SCIENCE!) to my mouth, my hand decided to twist & drop the spoon. My shirt loved the yoghurt.

Another thing that helps is to see the offending condition much like a conjoined twin you find annoying. You can't get rid of her, your'e stuck together. Harm her & you harm yourself. What to do? Establish an uneasy truce: "I don't like you & you don't like me BUT we're stuck together so we have got to learn to get along & COMPROMISE." For example, when my knees & hips are bad, that day, I don't force that particular body to do the vacuuming or Swiffer scrubbing: I'll make the upper body do laundry & upper body tasks instead. When the brain is dense with fog & I'm tired, I don't try to do banking or prepare the tax info for accounting. This constant toing & froing contributes to the fatigue we feel, BUT it makes us pretty good at give & take & makes us unusually patient & tolerant for Aspies.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

NT or Aspie, I'm not sure which I am. I just know I can't take anyone touching me. I think it's worse when I'm under a lot of stress like I am now. Just the thought of anyone touching me at this moment makes my skin crawl. Honestly, I really don't know if I'll ever be in another relationship because I won't let anyone in my personal space. Thinking about it kinda makes me sad cause I don't see any way that it can change - I've been this way pretty much my whole life. I don't think many people are going to find that "relationship material". I try not to think about it very much cause I know it's strange. Wish I could be different, but I'm not.