When it comes to having friends, would you prefer not having or having friends and why?

[AnnMoss]

I like friends who understand I come and go. I'm glad to have several of these. Some are from childhood who just know how I am and know I'm just different but they still like and even love me. That's very nice. A very very few internet people who also are fine with me coming and going. I don't feel "normal" attachment to the people I know and mostly when I feel someone wants to attach whatsoever I back away quite quickly. Especially new people. I hate the feeling of someone who will expect something emotional from me, it's so difficult. And the time investment. I like my own thoughts, I like being on my own. I do like being social on the internet because I like the exchange of ideas. But I really don't want friendships. I feel terrible guilty about that.

I do dislike when I approach someone, surely awkwardly, to communicate and express that I like them and they themselves back away. I don't want to be their buddy, I just like them. Not that they need my stamp of approval.

The guilt of all of this is really exhausting.

 

[onlything]

Of course I would like a friend or two. Why would I be on this forum if I didn't want people to speak to, exchange ideas, have fun with? Humans are social animals and we all, essentially, need others to be content with our lives. Some need more, some need less but this contact is necessary at least from time to time - it's people that give you the feeling that you are loved and that you belong somewhere.

I avoid people because they are judgemental, loud and exhausting, not because I want to have nothing in common with them. They just don't understand nor they wish to try to understand and in the end, I prefer to be alone rather than insulted.

 

[Trophonius]

I think we all prefer to have friends.

The reasons some people think we don't, is because it's hard to connect and socialize with NT's. I spend all my time alone, not because I want to be alone, but because everyone I know are not the kind of people I would enjoy talking to.

 

[100skerls]

I wish I had more friends or people to hang out with.

I have often heard from people and therapists not on the spectrum about the spectrum (ironic, don’t you think?) and that we usually don’t want to be around people. I think that is a false narrative and only applies to some. Some of us want to have friends and connections, but struggle with knowing the right things to say or wanting to do what others are interested (I can’t just drink and chat about crap... I am not interested in that)

I think what keeps me from being around people is the fact that they will want to do things they are interested in over my interests and the fact that I get nervous when having to talk about things I am not interested In causes connecting with people to be very difficult and almost impossible.

How about you? Do you yearn for friends or relationships at time?

Yes. I have thought the same exact thing, that I think people who are not on the spectrum contribute way too much on what their view of people on the spectrum are like. I really love talking with people, when they are willing to have an open conversation.
Something else that really frustrates me is the abundance of support for children on the spectrum and families of those on the spectrum and lack of support for adults on the spectrum. I’ve found a few options in my area only to find out that they were only for low functioning adults. Personally I really want to meet other people on the spectrum. I made a meetup because of it today.

 

[Baeraad]

I absolutely want to have friends. I'm not sure what the point of life is without them. But it's true that I also run up against the limits of my... social endurance? I need entire days' worth of alone time in between any reasonably long conversation. It's a bit of a tricky balancing act.

 

[Bolletje]

I like having friends, as long as hanging out is optional. I often disappear for weeks or months at a time. Some friends I don’t speak to for years. But when we reconnect it’s fun. I’m just coming out of a very long and deep depression, and am reconnecting with people at the moment. I’m glad that they’re understanding enough to not hold a grudge over my silence. They also know they can always contact me in case they need me, or they just need someone to talk to.

 

[Cazelle]

I have a few friends. I’d possibly like a couple more. I find it hard to work out what level of friendship I have with a person - am I as important to them as they are to me? Would they want to grab a coffee with me, or is that beyond where they see our friendship at?

I also struggle with trusting people. I do not want what I share with people to go further and sometimes it does. I am a very private person so if I choose to share something I would like it kept just between us - I want to choose who does and doesn’t know some information and things about me. It seems a lot of people use information and knowledge as a weapon or a tool to elevate their position with others by being able to offer juicy tidbits of gossip :-(.

I find friendships quite tiring as a result, but usually a good friendship is rewarding.

 

[George Newman]

It was hard for me when I had to be around people all the time. Between work and the kids school functions and football/cheerleading and their friend's parent's, and church activities. I had to be social and try to be accepted and was in a constant state of burn out, stress, depression and anxiety.
Now I don't have to be part of all that stuff and I'm perfectly content staying home and being alone. I stress out when I have to go to one of my grandkid's birthday parties. I think some people at church are beginning to realize that they probably are not going to see me outside of church Sunday morning, even though I do feel a closeness with them. That's just my limits. The part that bothers me is that I'm afraid that all the people I do feel I'm close to don't know it because of my lack of contact. But I just can't get myself to go back to having to be part of the social thing. I just don't have the energy for it any more. I feel like I'm at the point in my life of rest and it's going to be a choice between letting people not feel the love I feel for them and let myself rest or go back to the depression, anxiety, stress and burn out and do what they think I should be doing to show I care for them. But when I do that, I'm not able to care as deeply. Does any of this make sense to anyone else?

What you have shared here makes perfect sense to me. I understand and experience the same sentiment.

 

[George Newman]

I think life is more rich and balanced when one knows a couple people who want to be our friends.

I think it’s equally as important to want to be a friend to someone else.

Regardless of the walls we erect as defense mechanisms to guard our hearts, minds, and autistic traits we know that deep down it is good to know someone well enough that we are confident they give a crap about us.

It’s healthy to give a crap about someone else. It’s called caring.

It’s not easy to care for someone. It takes work. It takes an investment of time, energy, and emotion. It can and will be exhausting to someone with autistic traits. We will get hurt some but the value of that one true friendship out of the dozens that are attempted is priceless.

We need to keep trying. I need to keep trying.

Thanks for a great post and comments. This is a very important topic that we could never spend enough time unpacking to understand.

 

[Major Tom]

I'm ok with or without friends. I haven't had a RL friend in at least 10 years, and it doesn't bother me for the most part.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I went from having no friends to having people who say Hello to me on Sunday. I also go to an Wednesday life group where we talk and hang out. It is still very difficult to maintain "small talk" but they understand me and the leaders most likely know I have Asperger's.

 

[Thinx]

I think people are different and varied about this, we can see here on this thread that some are saying they don't want friends, and I disagree with the generalisation that We All Want Friends or We Are All Social Beings etc. Those generalisations surely are founded on neurotypical assumptions not including the variations that exist on this subject.

Personally I would echo the difficulties some have raised that I would like friends but it is hard to either meet them or find people who understand or empathise with how I am and my behaviours can seem uninterested or distant, whereas I am overwhelmed by too much social interaction. That makes it hard to keep the relationship going to the extent many need to feel it's a friendship.

Also the neurotypical expectation of an agenda means that it's hard for them to not attribute an agenda to what I say, so they feel hurt or frustrated or rejected when I do not accept invitations or am unavailable. This makes being myself with others difficult.

 

[Joshua the Writer]

I'd rather have friends. They feel like a second family to me. They are all nice people and have helped me when I have felt down and needed somebody to talk to.

Y'know how the saying goes. Friends are just family that you choose.

 

[Kyou Nukui]

If I had friends they could go and pick up my prescription from the pharmacy for me.
Lol, I realise that is taking advantage. I would like it to be suchhh a good friendship that they'd willingly, gladly go through that mind-numbing mental torture for me.

Or maybe I need to have a friend at the pharmacy who will get around to filling the prescription in les than the standard fifteen minutes lol.

 

[AX2XA]

I would prefer having friends. I've had friends before. Now I don't know if I have any. It's hard for me to keep a friend. It's hard for me to know who is my friend and who isn't.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

It is very hard for me to make friends too and even harder to keep them. However I still want them because being lonely sucks. The only thing that irritates me is when they are too busy to hang out that annoys me. Example my weekly Wednesday life group, most are always too busy to show up some are there only once every few months always an stupid excuse "I can't make it." Don't bother joining a group if you can never make it.

 

[Guest]

I don't have friends. Almost everyone I encounter is socially conditioned. They typically give mainstream life advice, which I'm not compatible with.

For example:

"You should attend church"

"You should buy a smartphone"

"You should get a girlfriend"

"You should quit cycling"

"You should buy a car"

"You should quit vaping"

 

[the_tortoise]

I want to have friends.

Real friends, though, who love me as I am. (And of course who I can love as they are.)

Friendships are hard to make and keep, though. I suck at it. I often think I am not good friendship material.

 

[Kyou Nukui]

I want to have a nice autistic friend!
I was told by my oncologist today that if there's anything I really want to do I should get around to it in the next year, "or preferably as soon as possible actually". So I'll have to get a move on!
I have no idea where the nice auties are to be found around here. I need to find out, soon.
I hope I can find someone nice who would enjoy hanging out with me.

 

[Creep]

I wish I had more friends or people to hang out with.

I have often heard from people and therapists not on the spectrum about the spectrum (ironic, don’t you think?) and that we usually don’t want to be around people. I think that is a false narrative and only applies to some. Some of us want to have friends and connections, but struggle with knowing the right things to say or wanting to do what others are interested (I can’t just drink and chat about crap... I am not interested in that)

I think what keeps me from being around people is the fact that they will want to do things they are interested in over my interests and the fact that I get nervous when having to talk about things I am not interested In causes connecting with people to be very difficult and almost impossible.

How about you? Do you yearn for friends or relationships at time?

I prefer solitude. Those times I’ve developed friendships, they’ve been built on knowing a person through school or work & deepened by common interests.

As with most relationships in life, there’s no settling down without some settling for. Meaning everyone has shortcomings. I find my own enough to handle.