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Featured When it comes to having friends, would you prefer not having or having friends and why?

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by SimplyWandering, Sep 28, 2019.

  1. SimplyWandering

    SimplyWandering Well-Known Member

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    I wish I had more friends or people to hang out with.

    I have often heard from people and therapists not on the spectrum about the spectrum (ironic, don’t you think?) and that we usually don’t want to be around people. I think that is a false narrative and only applies to some. Some of us want to have friends and connections, but struggle with knowing the right things to say or wanting to do what others are interested (I can’t just drink and chat about crap... I am not interested in that)

    I think what keeps me from being around people is the fact that they will want to do things they are interested in over my interests and the fact that I get nervous when having to talk about things I am not interested In causes connecting with people to be very difficult and almost impossible.

    How about you? Do you yearn for friends or relationships at time?
     
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  2. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It was hard for me when I had to be around people all the time. Between work and the kids school functions and football/cheerleading and their friend's parent's, and church activities. I had to be social and try to be accepted and was in a constant state of burn out, stress, depression and anxiety.
    Now I don't have to be part of all that stuff and I'm perfectly content staying home and being alone. I stress out when I have to go to one of my grandkid's birthday parties. I think some people at church are beginning to realize that they probably are not going to see me outside of church Sunday morning, even though I do feel a closeness with them. That's just my limits. The part that bothers me is that I'm afraid that all the people I do feel I'm close to don't know it because of my lack of contact. But I just can't get myself to go back to having to be part of the social thing. I just don't have the energy for it any more. I feel like I'm at the point in my life of rest and it's going to be a choice between letting people not feel the love I feel for them and let myself rest or go back to the depression, anxiety, stress and burn out and do what they think I should be doing to show I care for them. But when I do that, I'm not able to care as deeply. Does any of this make sense to anyone else?
     
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  3. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    I enjoy the friends I have and would always have a preference to have friends in my life, but I've found it difficult to get the balance right.

    As a woman, society expects us to be gregarious, chatty, flirty and maternal. I am none of these things so it's been challenging to accept that I cannot push myself to be something I'm never going to be.

    Some women I know go on holiday with a large group of their female friends. I'd never, ever be able to accomplish that.

    All of my friends are 'separate' and each friend is valued for different qualities. I don't do group friendships; I prefer one on one or at most, to meet two friends at a time. After those meetings though, with two friends, I need a longer 'recovery time' and always ensure I book the day off work the following day.
     
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  4. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    i’d love a relationship with guaranteed kindness 100% of the time ,if I picture friendship it’s gossip .
     
  5. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    Church for me was the most bizarre as I actively avoided !!!!groups !!of people ,forcing !!!!!myself to sit !! or stand with a group of people seemed insane !,my brain said as soon as I saw the group run !don’t look back !don’t go again! it was shouting at me even before I left the house why !are you !forcing me !to do this !?,When ?!will we !have the revelation! that we !are different! And actively develop our culture based around that ?homosexuals have done it !,why can’t we.
     
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  6. SimplyWandering

    SimplyWandering Well-Known Member

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    I bet you would get tired of it. We always want people to be nice, but My BF is the friendliest person I know who avoids stress and some point that niceness is just too much to handle. I’d be ok with people just treating others with respect.
     
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  7. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    No I !!!wouldn’t !!I’m just too nervous now to be with people who arent kind, I’m fully !aware !a lot of people wouldn’t !!!!want to do that so I don’t! bother!
     
  8. Michael Balog

    Michael Balog Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I would prefer to not have friends cause it’s too much work keeping up with people and not understanding a lot of social interaction doesn’t help.
     
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  9. Kirsty

    Kirsty ND

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    Exactly!
     
  10. Kirsty

    Kirsty ND

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    I like my tiny group of two friends and the three of us are all Neurodiverse. I learned that I can’t function well one to one unless I’m in an intimate relationship with a partner, so I limit myself to us three. It feels like the most friends I’ve ever had where I fit in because we support and encourage one another and do not follow the ‘norms’ in society like the obvious drinking, smoking and gambling. It’s very peaceful going out for walks, have coffee, visit new places and eat out at times.
     
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  11. Bikutoso

    Bikutoso ... V.I.P Member

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    I wish to have a few friends.
    Having none is really exhausting and depressive. Feeling useless, unable to work, wanting not to exist. So having friends would help with that, in addition to having be able to do something more interesting than sitting at home all day. While doing something out if my interests usually is quite uninteresting. But, my interests at the moment are nonexistent and are open to try new things.
    I also have a more personal reasons to need friends. Some of them are to help me with things only friends could help me with. But also need push me in life. Someone who I can walk with and feel safe in doing things I'm to afraid of doing normal (which is most things).
    Today my focus is to make the friends I need, to enable me to move forward in my life.
     
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  12. Frostee

    Frostee Well-Known Member

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    Having friends. I am not keen on doing things alone.
     
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  13. Shamar

    Shamar Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I would love to have friends. To be emotionally connected to another person at any level sounds wonderful. Unfortunately, this is beyond my psychological/emotional capability.
     
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  14. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I used to want to have friends or some kind of social life when I was younger, but not anymore. It was kind of a contradiction, I would want to be included, to go out with my partner with friends, but end up being tired, bored, fed up/stressed by one thing or another and wanting to go home after a couple of hours. I don't have many friends in real life - most people I know are friends of my partner and when we go out or do something with them, they talk to my partner and mainly ignore me. Hi, how are you doing, and that's about all they say to me.
     
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  15. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    Prefer not to have friends.
    One reason is I don't think I even know the true definition of what a friend is.
    If I have to act a certain way to fit in or certain mannerisms to be liked I feel that is phony.
    The best friend I had was a woman who shared same interests, wasn't into the things most women
    talk about like their sex life, kids, or the latest cellulite reduction methods.
    She was a medical examiner. That was interesting.
    We both felt comfortable just being ourselves together. That's hard to find.

    Other than this one time, I had romantic boy-friends. Best of both worlds until it always ended.
     
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  16. Eclipse14

    Eclipse14 Member

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    It's not the case for me. I prefer to have friends, but don't really have many, and the few I have I rarely get to see. I have no idea how to go about making new friends either.
     
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  17. SimplyWandering

    SimplyWandering Well-Known Member

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    I am in a similar state with my BF’s friends, but I get bothered when I feel slighted or that they are being rude to me (and unfortunately I am stuck in this situation because I am not driving and we are 40 miles from my place so I have nowhere to run). He is honestly fine if I don’t go, but they invite me to come through him... which is probably just out Of nicety.

    Then I spiral In to a state of what did I do wrong? And you can’t ask people because they won’t be truthful.
     
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  18. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Enjoying life and glad to be alive! V.I.P Member

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    I used to wonder what is a friend?
    I decided to define the term friend myself.
    Friend: a person that says hi back and i know their name.
    Simple as that.
    I like having friends by that definition. I like to stop and talk for a few minutes with these friends.
     
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  19. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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    Im to independent. Like my schedules and plans. If i need to change them. I dont have to explain why or feel bad about it later.
     
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  20. dragonfire42

    dragonfire42 Perpetual outsider

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    I think having friends is too much work for me. Even just having one friend is exhausting sometimes, but then again, I thought it was worth it. But even though I think it's nice to have a friend, I know deep down that I'm happiest alone.
     
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