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When it comes to having friends, would you prefer not having or having friends and why?

I'm interested in having friends. Despite some refusing to recognize it, humans are inherently social animals. But, at least for me, I favor a limited, small circle of deep relationships over a huge, shallow network that extrovert people enjoy and seek.
I'm not "antisocial", an "hermit" or whatever any ignorant idiot that don't understand call me. I enjoy being on the company of others that share with me similar personality, behavior, interests, values etc. than those that are the opposite of me. It's a simple concept called Homophily in Psychology and it applies to almost everyone.
If others understand me, good; if not, they can sod off and leave me alone.
 
It's not uncommon that I will go weeks - if not months - without a time to hang out with a friend or "friend-level" acquaintance.

Very starkly, I remember my 10th and 11th grade years in public school, the only years in such. There were many prospects who were kind and friendly, some that were moderate and a few that had very little in common with me.

Both years I proposed arrangements to go out with people for lunch (as the school had off-campus lunch). Unfortunately, most plans fell through as people had excessive homework, club meetings or worse, make up reasons to make sure it didn't happen.

The times that I did go were fun, but temporary to the point that it was just one hour a school day for lunch. In essence, very small amount of time to do something really enjoyable.

Regardless though, I prospered through that chapter, but I'm still on the next one.
 
Michael Balog said:
I would prefer to not have friends cause it’s too much work keeping up with people and not understanding a lot of social interaction doesn’t help.
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I can understand this, but I wonder, does the preference to not have friends cause anxiety in you?

I know it does in me, but I guess that is because I tell myself I don’t want friends but secretly want a couple that just get “me.”
 
Yes it causes lots of anxiety in me, I see other people talking and having a great time with their friends and I get jealous of them. Then my internal dialogue starts saying “Am I really that bad of a person? Can’t anyone stand to be around me?” Maybe that’s not true and people like me but I can’t tell if they do. So it’s easier for me to tell myself I don’t need anyone in my life.
 
My experiences with friends have always been rather tiresome.

They have either been fake or have chosen to move on because they can't handle my biased interests in music or hobbies and I can't connect with them on every single thing they do, which I think is normal honestly, but to most in my experience that is a deal breaker.

I'd like to have friends, I truly would, but no one ever seems capable of taking me as who I am entirely.
 
Nihilus said:
My experiences with friends have always been rather tiresome.

They have either been fake or have chosen to move on because they can't handle my biased interests in music or hobbies and I can't connect with them on every single thing they do, which I think is normal honestly, but to most in my experience that is a deal breaker.

I'd like to have friends, I truly would, but no one ever seems capable of taking me as who I am entirely.
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This would totally be ok , if they could just tell me how they feel, instead my anxiety/ocd kicks in and says “do they like me? ... why don’t they like me? ... what did I do? ... what could I have done??? TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”


Also that feeling of people being real or fake resonates all the time.
 
What bothers me about having friends or acquaintances is when they are always stinking busy to hang out. Just now my Wednesday life group stopped metting if you can call it meeting they are always two busy to hang out for 2 stinking hours a week and now that the wife of the leader is sick the group is practically dead.

Now all I have is Sundays if you can call a few people saying high to me as friends. That's it life is boring again.
 
I do not have a lot of friends, but that is OK. I get plenty socializing from my very large family. I love my wife and family very much, but I do not mind being alone at all. In fact I need my alone time a lot.
 
For some reason, l have run into hidden agendas with so called acquaintances at jobs or classes. So l feel very skeptical about people *friends* in general. In fact,l am moving out of the city l currently live in to another city close by. Everybody seems preoccupied with my dating life in the city l live in. Which is a tab to bizarre for me at my age. Pretty sure l won't be dealing with this at all in the next town.
 
I have a few friends and enjoy it. I wouldn't say I want friends, however. I didn't actively look for them, we just happened to share the same space for a certain period of time and ended up bonding. They can be fun to hang out with, but I don't miss them if I don't see them for a while.
I also have a limited amount of time I can hang out with someone before it starts being tiring. My friends know I can be strange and they're alright with that, so it makes things more relaxing than talking to someone who wants to behave in a very socially acceptable way, but even then I need to be alone at times. In that sense I prefer online interaction, I find it makes talking with people a lot easier for me.
I also found that my mental health in general is better now that I have friends than what it was a few years ago when I didn't have any, but I cannot say if the two things are correlated for sure because my environment changed as well.
 
When it comes to having friends, would you prefer not having or having friends and why?

The short answer? - Yes. ;)

Because autism can and usually does involve a complex "love/hate relationship" with others of their own species.
 
I'm afraid my one and only friendship is fading, just like every other friendship I've had in my life. If that happens, I'm planning on being more aloof, staying to friendly acquaintances and no more. I just don't have what it takes to keep a friendship going, and overall, I'm happiest by myself anyway.
 
SimplyWandering said:
I wish I had more friends or people to hang out with.

I have often heard from people and therapists not on the spectrum about the spectrum (ironic, don’t you think?) and that we usually don’t want to be around people. I think that is a false narrative and only applies to some. Some of us want to have friends and connections, but struggle with knowing the right things to say or wanting to do what others are interested (I can’t just drink and chat about crap... I am not interested in that)

I think what keeps me from being around people is the fact that they will want to do things they are interested in over my interests and the fact that I get nervous when having to talk about things I am not interested In causes connecting with people to be very difficult and almost impossible.

How about you? Do you yearn for friends or relationships at time?
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I am lonely and very much want friendships but I am very uncomfortable around people.
 
I always think I would like a friend, especially when I haven't had one for a while, and then usually find I prefer to be alone again not long after. With certain people, who can accept that silence doesn't mean I don't care anymore, and don't react strangely when they see or hear from me after a while, those are very nice to have. Rare though in my experience.

But once in a while, someone comes along, where a connection is felt that seems different. It can feel a bit all consuming, and I actually need a lot of time to recover. I like these experiences though, but because they burn bright they burn out quickly too. I've had a number of these. I have no long-term friends, just memories of people I used to know, who I'd be quite happy to see again, but who are never the same as I remember them if I do. It has happened once or twice, after long periods of time, coming across somebody I was close to. It feels strange for me and never continues much past that moment.

Perhaps it's easier to have male friends when you talk about sports or girls or go out to clubs or pubs so that it is easier to have something in common that is typical. I am not a typical male. I prefer the company of women on the whole, not just because I'm heterosexual, but because conversations are often on a more emotional and deeper level. But, there can sometimes be sexual tension with female friendships, which can move things in a different direction entirely, and that's a far more complicated friendship.
 
It seems friendships are never long lasting with me either.
I've never known many I would call friend. Mostly aquaintances.
A friend is someone you can feel comfortable around and have interests in common.

I've always had more male friends as I find I'm not interested in girl talk that is the usual
center of conversation. I feel out of place when they are sitting around giggling about some
guy they see in the restauraunt and how they think he's a hunk, chit chat about their sex-capades
or the latest trends. I don't fit in and don't care for the latest trends, then they'll make a puckered
up face and go "oooh."

Granted not all are like this, but, what few I've hung around with seem to have been.
I had one good female girlfriend that I truly enjoyed her company. She was a medical examiner.
We both were interested in the field of medicine, common and scientific minded.
Liked the same music and movies. A special interest in metaphysics.

I have more common interests with males, except for sports.
But, it can start leaning into the sexual interests that I don't feel in return with them.
Actually I would like a more neutral personality for a friend. Not easy to find, but then I've never
done much looking.
 
SimplyWandering said:
I wish I had more friends or people to hang out with.

I have often heard from people and therapists not on the spectrum about the spectrum (ironic, don’t you think?) and that we usually don’t want to be around people. I think that is a false narrative and only applies to some. Some of us want to have friends and connections, but struggle with knowing the right things to say or wanting to do what others are interested (I can’t just drink and chat about crap... I am not interested in that)

I think what keeps me from being around people is the fact that they will want to do things they are interested in over my interests and the fact that I get nervous when having to talk about things I am not interested In causes connecting with people to be very difficult and almost impossible.

How about you? Do you yearn for friends or relationships at time?
Click to expand...
Kindness and animals humans backstabbers
 
I would prefer to not have friends because in the end, all I ever am is a detriment. I, and even the other person as well, think things are going very well for a while, but things just fizzle out sooner or later. And I know I’m what people would most likely call “toxic,” not in every way but in enough ways that I’m a very hard person to maintain a friendship with. I’m just not suited to relationships of any sort. I’m not a social creature by nature, not even a little bit (one of the things that make me feel distinctly inhuman), and trying to kid myself or let anyone else kid themselves otherwise just isn’t fair to either me or the other person. I thrive in solitude.
 
I yearn for friendships at times, but I've come to the realization that I'm happiest alone. I entertain myself well, and I talk to myself and my dogs. But it would still be great to have some external input to broaden my horizons.
 
I like the idea of friends, but I also enjoy my solitude sometimes. I currently have two friends, and I don't think I have room for another. But I am glad to have friends, despite their faults, because it gives me someone I can relate to and share my thoughts with.
 
I definitely wish I had more friends, and that I could have a stable relationship. I've always wanted that.

I think the narrative that all autistic people don't like socializing and don't want friends is very wrong. From what I've noticed most of us seem to just struggle with managing relationships with other people and being accepted by them, and then we become used to and relent not having many friends. I know that's what socializing has been like for me, at least.
 
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