When a friend lets you down, or at least: perceived as such

[Suzanne]

Soooo I have this friend, who has been screaming at me, she is a FRIEND Suzanne, for she texts me as well as me texting her (when I remind myself that as a friend, perhaps I should lol) and she accepts that I am an aspie (unofficial at the moment) and we have a mad time together ie laughing and joking and just being really silly.

So, I was supposed to go somewhere last night but didn't go and she was there and asked my husband to pass her love on to me, but after this meeting, another, lesser of a friend, texted me to say she misses me etc, but as yet, my favourite one has not texted me and it is like a child is saying: I am not going to be the one to make the first move - yep me!

I keep thinking: she knows I was not emotionally able last night, so why has she not texted me? Also if she isn't contacting me, I wouldn't want to force her into having to texted me back!!!

How do you get yourself past this ( of course, if you go through a similar issue)?

 

[Nadador]

To her, it's likely a very small matter, if anything at all. As she passed on her love via your husband, it's unlikely she's holding any hard feelings for your absence. I would simply carry on with her as normal, were I you, reading nothing into her lack of contact. As for whether you should text first...carry on as normal with that as well, with no thought of what's transpired [from your perception]. I doubt it means a thing.

 

[Ylva]

Sending a message with a human is as much of a message as sending one electronically, or at least that's how I would think about it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Isn't that playing a game? I thought Aspies don't play games. I don't play games anymore and I'm NT. Just text her and say you were ill and sorry you couldn't be there and that you missed being able to see her. Life is just too darn short and good friends are hard to find. She may not be texting you because she thinks you are ill and is waiting to hear back from you.

This just confuses me more because in several posts Aspies have said they prefer not to be bothered until they contact the other person. Which is it?

 

[Suzanne]

Isn't that playing a game

Well I certainly do not perceive I am playing a game! And actually the one that did text me the same night, also said to pass on love to me lol and well, I do know this other person pretty well, to know it is unusual for her to not text, since she is always in the habit of texting to see if I am ok ie I heard you were not feeling great and so, just a quick hello to see if you are feeling better, which is why I suspect, the more she gets to know about me, the more, she is liking, which is really what has always been my life!

As for: Aspies not playing games. I guess if I try to be lateral here, which is easier than off line, I would venture to say you believe I am playing a sort of mind game? Perhaps I am, but not with cruelty in my heart; more hurt in my heart actually and the idea that I do not want to infringe myself on to her, if she doesn't fancy contacting me ie it is her right and I shall respect that!

I just wondered how other aspies fair in this situation.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Isn't that playing a game? I thought Aspies don't play games. I don't play games anymore and I'm NT. Just text her and say you were ill and sorry you couldn't be there and that you missed being able to see her. Life is just too darn short and good friends are hard to find. She may not be texting you because she thinks you are ill and is waiting to hear back from you.

This just confuses me more because in several posts Aspies have said they prefer not to be bothered until they contact the other person. Which is it?

Angie, how is it playing a game? It sounds to me - and suzanne correct me if i'm wrong - that something has happened and she has come to her own somewhat shaky conclusions about it, and because she's unsure about her conclusions she's come here for advice. That's not a game. I do it all the time with my former bestie, to be honest. She stops talking to me and even if i know because she's said so that if she's having a rough time she won't talk to anybody, i will take her not talking as a decision in and of itself. I'll assume its her decision, why should i force her to talk to me by texting her if she's chosen not to. Even if in the back of my mind i know what she's said about the situation before, its just not how i interpret the situation in the moment. I have to tell myself 'no she's said its okay to text her if she goes silent' and text her every so often.

SUZANNE - i probably didn't spell your name right sorry. Anyways, i would ask your friend about it, either over text or in person whenever you see her next. I would assume if someone didn't show up that perhaps something came up, especially if i know they were busy. Your not coming is forgivable (especially if she knew something was up) but ignoring her over it can be taken the wrong way. At least i would take it the wrong way. I'm not NT or this friend of yours so i can't put words in their mouth only say what i would think.

 

[pushpin]

Sending a message with a human is as much of a message as sending one electronically, or at least that's how I would think about it.

There is even an app for this now! But, it relies on strangers who are in proximity of the intended recipient of your message to tell them the message. This would probably freak me out, having a random stranger come up to me and give me a message from a friend lol! I would feel like I was in an episode of Person of Interest or a spy movie!

 

[pushpin]

This just confuses me more because in several posts Aspies have said they prefer not to be bothered until they contact the other person. Which is it?

I don't understand why you have come to such a conclusion. Do you believe that every single neurotypical individual in the world behaves in the same way that you do or thinks in the same way that you do? My brothers are both neurotypical, and they both act completely different, one from the other. My mother acts nothing like my godmother. No one is exactly like another. I just don't understand why you would think this.

Edit to add: I'm sorry if my words come off as harsh. I don't mean them that way! It has come to my attention that this reads like I believe you have ill will in your question, but I don't believe this at all. I need to learn to phrase things in a softer manner.

 

[Kari Suttle]

I don't understand why you have come to such a conclusion.

I don't think she means anything bad by it. We're different, and you either fear what's different or you try to understand it. Because you can't truly understand something you don't know personally yourself, what she says makes sense. She's done reading and knows an aspie, and she's come to her own basic, fundamental conclusions about how aspies are different from NTs based on that, based on her own experience. But they're probably just that, basic rules of thumb. By asking about it, she's showing that she's not trying to stereotype us but understand us. That's how i see it anyways. I'm not reading any ill intent from her at all, never have.

 

[epath13]

I guess I can understand when you are starting to date somebody you could get absorbed by all these relationship... or should better call them power games with friends, I'm not sure. When I was single... and young... and believed that most people were bi (yep, I did ) I thought that some women were melodramatic in relationship because they liked me... it took me a while to realize - that kind of behavior was pretty normal even between just friends that's why it was so much easier for me to be friends with guys, I didn't notice a lot of drama in their behavior when it comes to friendship... well, as for now, I finally, after many years of being married, got a new female friend. There's something she said that made me want to be friends with her. She said "I don't care. It's fine. I do not like drama". To me it meant, no matter what I say or do, we could work it out and she's not going to make fuss out of it I believe with friends there shouldn't be tension or wondering who thinks or feels what, because all that can be discussed and dealt with. If I can't have a reasonably open relationship with somebody the tension becomes too overwhelming and I don't want to see a person anymore. As for the situation, wouldn't it be easier just to talk about the whole thing. I don't know... just wondering.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Soooo I have this friend, who has been screaming at me, she is a FRIEND Suzanne, for she texts me as well as me texting her (when I remind myself that as a friend, perhaps I should lol) and she accepts that I am an aspie (unofficial at the moment) and we have a mad time together ie laughing and joking and just being really silly.

So, I was supposed to go somewhere last night but didn't go and she was there and asked my husband to pass her love on to me, but after this meeting, another, lesser of a friend, texted me to say she misses me etc, but as yet, my favourite one has not texted me and it is like a child is saying: I am not going to be the one to make the first move - yep me!

I keep thinking: she knows I was not emotionally able last night, so why has she not texted me? Also if she isn't contacting me, I wouldn't want to force her into having to texted me back!!!

How do you get yourself past this ( of course, if you go through a similar issue)?

How often do you guys normally text? I think us who are reading this are missing some context here.
I don't understand why the fact that she hasn't texted you yet is a problem, but maybe if you guys normally text every few hours, then it is a change from what is normal, and that is why you feel bothered. But if you guys don't normally text every few hours, then why are you bothered?

I guess I don't understand the context or why you are bothered.
Maybe it's just because no one texts me, period.

 

[Suzanne]

How often do you guys normally text? I think us who are reading this are missing some context here.
I don't understand why the fact that she hasn't texted you yet is a problem, but maybe if you guys normally text every few hours, then it is a change from what is normal, and that is why you feel bothered. But if you guys don't normally text every few hours, then why are you bothered?

I guess I don't understand the context or why you are bothered.
Maybe it's just because no one texts me, period.

We don't text every day, actually, but if we know one of us is not too well, then we will text or text just to say hi.

My husband said to me once: I notice that you never bother to get in touch with people, so how can a friendship develop and so, from there, I thought: wow I guess he is right and so, set out to rectify that.

To be honest, I only posted to see if this was an aspie trait, and perhaps it isn't ie me feeling like this!

 

[pushpin]

I don't think she means anything bad by it. We're different, and you either fear what's different or you try to understand it. Because you can't truly understand something you don't know personally yourself, what she says makes sense. She's done reading and knows an aspie, and she's come to her own basic, fundamental conclusions about how aspies are different from NTs based on that, based on her own experience. But they're probably just that, basic rules of thumb. By asking about it, she's showing that she's not trying to stereotype us but understand us. That's how i see it anyways. I'm not reading any ill intent from her at all, never have.

I never said she had ill intent. I just think it's a strange conclusion to come to, and i wanted to know why she thinks that way because I don't understand.

If I believed she had ill intent, I would have said so.

Edit to add: My confusion would be similar if someone believed that because someone is a white southern American that they would automatically have to love country music. I have never understood this kind of thinking, so I question it and put the example of the person making the conclusion (in this case, neurotypical) in order to illustrate how nonsensical such a conclusion can be.

 

[Suzanne]

Angie, how is it playing a game? It sounds to me - and suzanne correct me if i'm wrong - that something has happened and she has come to her own somewhat shaky conclusions about it, and because she's unsure about her conclusions she's come here for advice. That's not a game. I do it all the time with my former bestie, to be honest. She stops talking to me and even if i know because she's said so that if she's having a rough time she won't talk to anybody, i will take her not talking as a decision in and of itself. I'll assume its her decision, why should i force her to talk to me by texting her if she's chosen not to. Even if in the back of my mind i know what she's said about the situation before, its just not how i interpret the situation in the moment. I have to tell myself 'no she's said its okay to text her if she goes silent' and text her every so often.

SUZANNE - i probably didn't spell your name right sorry. Anyways, i would ask your friend about it, either over text or in person whenever you see her next. I would assume if someone didn't show up that perhaps something came up, especially if i know they were busy. Your not coming is forgivable (especially if she knew something was up) but ignoring her over it can be taken the wrong way. At least i would take it the wrong way. I'm not NT or this friend of yours so i can't put words in their mouth only say what i would think.

You spelt my name correct, so no worries well I just came here to see if it is just me, ie a human being trait, or an aspie trait really! I just cannot text her because actually, I did take courage not long ago and texted her explaining that she hurt me ( a huge risk, because in the past, things like that have blown up in my face and so, I stopped, but the snag is that I have this burning anger inside, because of a long memory and retaining the hurt, rather than dealing with it, straight away), so she got back and seemed to feel really sad about the misunderstanding and I thought we were ok, but honestly not sure! She is soooo empathetic and kind, which is why I am surprised she didn't text me! But my husband related to me that she did ask after me at the time and so, I guess, depending on what he told her, is determining whether a text is needed and thus, I now feel silly for being so sensitive, to be honest!

 

[Ste11aeres]

We don't text every day, actually, but if we know one of us is not too well, then we will text or text just to say hi.

My husband said to me once: I notice that you never bother to get in touch with people, so how can a friendship develop and so, from there, I thought: wow I guess he is right and so, set out to rectify that.

To be honest, I only posted to see if this was an aspie trait, and perhaps it isn't ie me feeling like this!

I think that since, judging by your initial post, it seems she talked to your husband, she felt there was no need to text since A) he conveyed to her the information of how you were, and B), she sent you a message through him.
I think she felt that sending the message through him took the place of a text.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't understand why you have come to such a conclusion. Do you believe that every single neurotypical individual in the world behaves in the same way that you do or thinks in the same way that you do? My brothers are both neurotypical, and they both act completely different, one from the other. My mother acts nothing like my godmother. No one is exactly like another. I just don't understand why you would think this.

Edit to add: I'm sorry if my words come off as harsh. I don't mean them that way! It has come to my attention that this reads like I believe you have ill will in your question, but I don't believe this at all. I need to learn to phrase things in a softer manner.

I have to come to some conclusions about Aspies to get some understanding of AS. I get my information from several different places (books, posts and Aspies here that I have made friends with). I have to have a comparison of what your "typical" Aspie characteristics would be compared to NT's. I'm not lumping every Aspie in one group, but from what I have gathered from different sources, most Aspies are straight forward, don't play games and find it hard to lie. Am I wrong?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

how is it playing a game?

Kari, I'm thinking it's a game because Suzanne said this:

my favourite one has not texted me and it is like a child is saying: I am not going to be the one to make the first move - yep me!

Maybe her friend is unable to text at this time. It could be because she's sick or she doesn't want to bother Suzanne because she is ill. Right now, my friend Mary is sick with some sinus stuff and I'm not calling her because it takes her a while to get over that stuff and I figure she can call me when she feels better. I'll let a couple weeks go by and might ring her then.

 

[Ylva]

I have to come to some conclusions about Aspies to get some understanding of AS. I get my information from several different places (books, posts and Aspies here that I have made friends with). I have to have a comparison of what your "typical" Aspie characteristics would be compared to NT's. I'm not lumping every Aspie in one group, but from what I have gathered from different sources, most Aspies are straight forward, don't play games and find it hard to lie. Am I wrong?

My observations agree with yours. I reckon it's because simplicity really is quite pleasant; although it's possible to adapt to situations that require lying to survive or escape harm, and at some point it could become a habit.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I never said she had ill intent. I just think it's a strange conclusion to come to, and i wanted to know why she thinks that way because I don't understand.

If I believed she had ill intent, I would have said so.

Edit to add: My confusion would be similar if someone believed that because someone is a white southern American that they would automatically have to love country music. I have never understood this kind of thinking, so I question it and put the example of the person making the conclusion (in this case, neurotypical) in order to illustrate how nonsensical such a conclusion can be.

I don't mind you asking me why I post a certain thing and I didn't take it the wrong way - in my earlier days when I didn't know that Aspies just say what they're thinking, I took things the wrong way.

I honestly must say it is very (what's the word I want to use) disheartening when you think you understand something and then you find out it is incorrect. It's very hard learning Aspie - just like Aspies having to learn NT language. Not all Aspies are the same, but there are some major similarities just like with NT's it's known that we "small talk" and assume some things.

When Suzanne was laying out her thought process of the situation, I was thinking that sounds like how NT's think. I really thought Aspies didn't think like that. I'm also finding out that Aspie women are a lot like NT women in some ways that Aspie men are not.

 

[pushpin]

This just confuses me more because in several posts Aspies have said they prefer not to be bothered until they contact the other person. Which is it?

I have to come to some conclusions about Aspies to get some understanding of AS. I get my information from several different places (books, posts and Aspies here that I have made friends with). I have to have a comparison of what your "typical" Aspie characteristics would be compared to NT's. I'm not lumping every Aspie in one group, but from what I have gathered from different sources, most Aspies are straight forward, don't play games and find it hard to lie. Am I wrong?

My question was referring to your quote above, the one about contact and waiting, not anything about straightforward talking, etc. I never questioned anything involving straightforward communication.

The one about contact is just too specific for any generalization, in my opinion, and that's what made me question. Also, the "Which is it" was kind if like saying that one can only be short or be tall or something like that when I think there is more variability.

When it comes to straightforward talking, games, etc, I think that also comes down to perception because one can perceive another as playing games, that is, project intentions onto that person, where there really are no games being played. And I would agree with you, that must on the spectrum rather be straightforward, but I don't think that means all are. My ex had asperger's and he lied a lot for reasons I don't understand.

Edit to add: I believe, just like with NTs, upbringing, trauma, cultural factors all come into play to develop a person. I believe in nature and nurture.

Edit to add further: Also, with Aspie women being like NT women, I think that really depends. I'm really uncomfortable with people's personhoods being painted with broad brushes. Something inside me feels very against that, always has. There are too many differences and variables, from cultural to socioeconomic etc that can affect a person's behavior. I think some Aspie women may seem more similar to NT women, but I believe that has more to do with how women in certain western societies are socialized vs how men are socialized.