What's up with yelling/violence?

[JMcCauley]

I've always been a pacifist. For some reason emotions don't make me feel like I need to hurt someone or yell. I guess some NTs and aspies don't feel the same way, but I think it is part of my particular brand of Asperger's.

Also, yelling IS violence to me. When someone yells at me, I don't get upset, but I do have the urge to hit them in the face.

As a child it was very difficult for me to contain myself when adults yelled. I
didn't understand why they thought being violent was a mature way to make a point.

Now if someone yells at me maliciously, I simply talk quieter and quieter and more calmly until they realise they're being immature. If that doesn't work, I
full on SCREAM at them, which shocks most people into calming down.

Does anyone else have these issues?
What do you do to deal with violence?

 

[umbrellabeach]

Oh goodness... I could go on forever about this. Excuse me while I rant right here.
In my house, the volume of your voice overpowers your choice of words. Only the loud ones are heard and considered, regardless of what they say. My parents yell a lot, sometimes without even realizing it. As soon as something sets them off they just yell for a while, often repeating themselves. It's why I don't want to learn to drive right now - I've been there when a few of my siblings learned to drive and they got long, loud lectures for mistakes, and I know I would make plenty of mistakes. I'm 21 and I don't drive because of this.
The funniest part is that when my dad is yelling at me, he's usually saying things like "You're such an immature baby! You're only 21 biologically! Grow up! Grow up!" but he's the one yelling and he can't think of any better things to say or any better points to make. I try to explain but he won't listen because it doesn't fit with his preconceived (and totally ignorant of autism) bias, and also because my voice is conveniently soft enough to drown out, even if I'm yelling myself.
Ironically, though, when I'm mad at anyone I want to yell at them myself and physically attack them (and I would if they didn't threaten to charge me with assault, which my dad has done). I often think out these awesome rants in my head and fantasize about actually yelling at the person I want to say them to. I never actually do it because they always drown me out with their own yelling, but because of the forced suppression of the slightest expression of any negative emotion I've grown up with, I have violent fantasies when I'm mad at someone.
All this is just one reason I want my own house so much. I never have to deal with yelling and being drowned out when I'm alone. I dream of being listened to and have my words treated with as much interest and respect as I treat others' with. I was raised taught not to interrupt (by people who interrupt a lot). But even among strangers, I'm drowned out, except they do it with interruptions of loud laughter and yelling jokes about things I said that they found funny - and then they talk among themselves, going off on tangents related to what I said, and I'm forgotten.
Yelling is rude in pretty much every case, even if it's not out of anger. I wish people placed more value on words than on voice volume, and I wish they wouldn't assume I'm done talking when I'm not, or that what I say is stupid and false just because they disagree or don't understand.

 

[MicroWeiss]

I've always been a pacifist. For some reason emotions don't make me feel like I need to hurt someone or yell. I guess some NTs and aspies don't feel the same way, but I think it is part of my particular brand of Asperger's.

Also, yelling IS violence to me. When someone yells at me, I don't get upset, but I do have the urge to hit them in the face.

As a child it was very difficult for me to contain myself when adults yelled. I
didn't understand why they thought being violent was a mature way to make a point.

Now if someone yells at me maliciously, I simply talk quieter and quieter and more calmly until they realise they're being immature. If that doesn't work, I
full on SCREAM at them, which shocks most people into calming down.

Does anyone else have these issues?
What do you do to deal with violence?

I haven't always been a pacifist, but started leaning that direction over time. My mom did all the yelling when I was young, but she explained that her blood sugar levels directly influenced it, and it came naturally to me to avoid her and wait until she was rational again. But I was accustomed to her, since she was my mom. If a person outside my family were to yell directly at me or display anger I might get very shaky and fear for my life. In one case I believed a coworker had gone postal and would probably bring a gun to work later to finish me off, but my manager explained that he had health issues and normally exploded like that. During the time he was ranting at me I went blank and mumbled apologies while trying to figure out the logic behind the insanity. Up until then I had been really nice to him, overly nice maybe, and my offense against him involved leaving a piece of paper in the wrong place in his cubicle. Or there was this other guy who fumed at me, I am not sure it was yelling, more like those energetic passionate speakers you might see, except with anger. I always tried to reason with him. He was intent on putting me in my place, and he attempted to get me fired or written up for insubordination once, but he was always wrong about the issues, I would continue pointing it out. He seemed rational, except for being sure I was wrong about everything I ever said to him. He even tried to bet me his entire paycheck that I was wrong about something once, i said no to the bet, and I remember him STORMING OFF, then later sulking back after learning I was right. Eventually I got angry that I had to work with him and demanded to be off his project, which my manager agreed, having witnessed our interactions. I disliked him personally, he was a very imposing person. Why would anyone yell at a pacifist?

 

[TragicKingdom]

I've always been a pacifist. For some reason emotions don't make me feel like I need to hurt someone or yell. I guess some NTs and aspies don't feel the same way, but I think it is part of my particular brand of Asperger's.

Also, yelling IS violence to me. When someone yells at me, I don't get upset, but I do have the urge to hit them in the face.

As a child it was very difficult for me to contain myself when adults yelled. I
didn't understand why they thought being violent was a mature way to make a point.

Now if someone yells at me maliciously, I simply talk quieter and quieter and more calmly until they realise they're being immature. If that doesn't work, I
full on SCREAM at them, which shocks most people into calming down.

Does anyone else have these issues?
What do you do to deal with violence?

I don't understand yelling either. Really, is it that necessary to get a point across? I think I have only yelled one time as an adult during a fight with a girlfriend. Nothing more than that (And even that I'm ashamed of).

I grew up with my Mother always yelling and I believe that made me a very passive person, some how.

Both yelling and violence is hard-wired into our primal selves but they can, should and must be overcome.

*Note: I am not a Pacifist in pertaining to war conflicts. Conflicts, even though they should be resolved through diplomacy first, well, that does not always work; When our B-52's start a carpet-bomb run, that solves some things quickly when all else fails.

 

[TragicKingdom]

Oh goodness... I could go on forever about this. Excuse me while I rant right here.
In my house, the volume of your voice overpowers your choice of words. Only the loud ones are heard and considered, regardless of what they say. My parents yell a lot, sometimes without even realizing it. As soon as something sets them off they just yell for a while, often repeating themselves. It's why I don't want to learn to drive right now - I've been there when a few of my siblings learned to drive and they got long, loud lectures for mistakes, and I know I would make plenty of mistakes. I'm 21 and I don't drive because of this.
The funniest part is that when my dad is yelling at me, he's usually saying things like "You're such an immature baby! You're only 21 biologically! Grow up! Grow up!" but he's the one yelling and he can't think of any better things to say or any better points to make. I try to explain but he won't listen because it doesn't fit with his preconceived (and totally ignorant of autism) bias, and also because my voice is conveniently soft enough to drown out, even if I'm yelling myself.
Ironically, though, when I'm mad at anyone I want to yell at them myself and physically attack them (and I would if they didn't threaten to charge me with assault, which my dad has done). I often think out these awesome rants in my head and fantasize about actually yelling at the person I want to say them to. I never actually do it because they always drown me out with their own yelling, but because of the forced suppression of the slightest expression of any negative emotion I've grown up with, I have violent fantasies when I'm mad at someone.
All this is just one reason I want my own house so much. I never have to deal with yelling and being drowned out when I'm alone. I dream of being listened to and have my words treated with as much interest and respect as I treat others' with. I was raised taught not to interrupt (by people who interrupt a lot). But even among strangers, I'm drowned out, except they do it with interruptions of loud laughter and yelling jokes about things I said that they found funny - and then they talk among themselves, going off on tangents related to what I said, and I'm forgotten.
Yelling is rude in pretty much every case, even if it's not out of anger. I wish people placed more value on words than on voice volume, and I wish they wouldn't assume I'm done talking when I'm not, or that what I say is stupid and false just because they disagree or don't understand.

You make many fine and mature points here, umbrellabeach.

 

[Harrison]

My mother would yell and it would send me into a shutdown, my father never raised his voice so it was an interesting mix growing up. Under normal circumstances I do not yell, on the occasions when I have been pushed into a total meltdown I can have a screaming fit if I can't escape.

I do have a tendency, like the previous post, to constantly lower my voice as the yelling from the other party escalates.

I am not a pacifist in relation to my own well-being or that of those I love is concerned. War, in my eyes, serves two functions, reducing the population and increasing the profits.

 

[Madame Catfish]

I think it is a natural human response. Just as humans crave food, companionship, water, and sex, most humans also have an appetite for violence. I personally believe that this is a survival mechanism. Eat or be eaten and that sort of thing.
For instance, whenever a person craves violence intensely due to anger, their logical capabilities are clouded over, and they are capable of more ferocious acts. This would be very useful for survival, as most people have empathy that would prevent them from harming other individuals if they were thinking properly. In the wild, humans had to survive. If another human from another "pack" stole their food, the human would probably have to engage in violence to retrieve their food. In order to do this, their natural empathy would have to be overcome with something stronger: a WILL to violence. Many other animals behave in this way, and I don't understand why the human need for violence is any different.
Over time, it has become one of the staples of human emotion. What was meant for smaller scale fistfights or village food raids has caused horrific world wars and mass murders. Unlike the rest of the animal kingdom, humans now commit violence for violence's sake. We live in a world of plastic and circuit boards and concrete, but are still simple primates within our cheap civilised exterior. Within most "normal" people, the will to violence is built up- we don't have the need to spear another human in order to steal their meal (unless, perhaps, you are in an extremely long restaurant line), and we are left without an outlet for the primal violent urges seething within.
As a result, most "civilised" people resort to more socially acceptable displays of violence rather than homicide or theft. Displays such as yelling, unnecessary arguing, and spiteful words have become sadly common in most "first world countries". Even more tragic, people raised in an atmosphere of violence will become accustomed to it and adapt. These individuals may grow up to have higher levels of violent urges and be less capable of suppressing them- It seems from an outside perspective that people born into violence have a sort of addiction. Like when one takes melatonin, one will become sleepy, but if one is always taking melatonin, the body will become used to it and require greater amounts of the substance to reach the same effect. Addiction to violence is very much this way. People born into violence grew up taking the drug, and will require more of it to reach the same "high" satisfaction that others get from much smaller amounts.

These are the mass murderers and sadists of the world. They cannot be satisfied with simple banter or spite. They must have violence. They must have blood.

Violence was originally a natural response meant to aid in the survival of the individual- now it threatens an entire species.

 

[Warmheart]

Gently, gently...

 

[Sheogorath]

Well, yelling isn't violence as you say - but yelling is driven by testosterone, just like physical violence. They are both forms of agression. I guess people who have the urge to raise their voice or use violence have more testosterone than others. Besides that, upbringing and cultural elements play a great part in it, too.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I once had to deal with a very rude person that had a habit of talking over me, even in an argument. As if he could prove himself right or subdue me into submission by the sheer act of not letting me talk. One day when I was driving, he actually got the stupid idea to SCREAM over me. I shut him up by slamming on the brakes and letting the seatbelt cut into this throat and chest. He didn't scream over me again, but he was incredibly whiny about the incident. I don't take kindly to be pushed around.

 

[Keith]

My dad used to get upset when I misbehaved when I was a kid, but he only yelled at me. I feared him for that. Whenever he came into the room I thought I was going to be punished.

 

[NlGHTgirl]

I'm total pacifist......total wimp, apparently,. people try to take advantage of my good nature. always. recently. These dudes towed my front wheel drive vehicle backwards (AGAIN) and broke the window (AGAIN)!
My sister encouraged me to stand up for myself or other women, against this man in position of authority, but it's just , there's nothing to do. If I win; I lose...... long story, for another thread, (Never happening) because..... He just wanted to manipulate, humiliate, gain ATTENTION, control, date, romance, conquest, sex, yes, maybe that was a part of it too. The last part was not successful. Perhaps, I should warn other women, in general, how to spot a scandal, a trickster, then, a heart breaker/womanizer or something.
Why would someone choose someone so simple minded, vulnerable, happy, to try to dupe? what challenge is that? Someone really should seek justice. make amends for that someday. ............ sighs......vulnerable (socially), yet intelligent, never bitter. quite a mix. I wonder how many Aspies or people remain cheerful or bitter? Is it OK: I did manage to act really simple minded when the repaired the window for free. I hope they feel guilty. It's not really guise. I honestly was happy that they were fixing the window. very very happy.

Well, yelling isn't violence as you say - but yelling is driven by testosterone, just like physical violence. They are both forms of agression. I guess people who have the urge to raise their voice or use violence have more testosterone than others. Besides that, upbringing and cultural elements play a great part in it, too.

Fascinating.............. I'm bisexual. I am curious about genetics, and testosterone and hormones!!!! I do get excited, very animated when talking about something interesting!!!!!

 

[Spiller]

I've thought a lot about the issue of aggression in others over the years, having been somewhat victimised due to my placid nature. I agree with Madame Catfish in that humans are the only species on the planet who've taken aggression to the extreme of anger for angers' sake, violence for violences' sake.. all other species use aggression either for survival as a last resort or, amongst social species, to maintain the established hierarchy.
Whether it's a personal trait of AS, I don't know, but I can't ever, in my entire life, remember feeling anger or the desire to hurt someone.. at worst, just hurt and/or frustration; even during meltdowns, that's not anger, just venting extreme frustration.
I find this behavior, this need to constantly fight for dominance (it seems to me) irrational. How many people get hurt unnecessarily? How many relationships fail? How many children grow up emotionally scarred? Where's the benefit in humans acting in this way and why don't they see it?
They seem to keep expecting the same actions to produce different results and until they grow up and find a different way, I'm afraid, as Arnie said, in Terminator 2, "It is in your nature to destroy yourselves."

 

[Kari Suttle]

As a child it was very difficult for me to contain myself when adults yelled. I
didn't understand why they thought being violent was a mature way to make a point.

I could go on and on about this myself! My mom's always been one to yell anytime she's mad, and as a kid i never understood why i couldn't so much as make an angry or frustrated expression yet she could full on yell and scream and everything. To me it was hypocritical, still is. Plus she has this (in my eyes) pathetic whiny imitation that she'll do of whoever made her mad. And when she's mad she'll rant about the things she's done for us and all the money she spent on anything and everything - focus on how much she's done for us and how grateful and obedient we should be in return. Things like braces, annual dentist and eye doctor appointments, taking me to art classes as a kid, things as simple as being awake in the morning to make sure we were up on time, got ready, and could either give us a ride to school or make sure we got on the bus okay.

As a kid and not less than a year ago her yelling would make me scared and feel two inches tall but now i feel like i see it for what it is. A hypocritical, adult version of a temper tantrum. Yes she's a good mom overall and i'm glad for that but at the same time that doesn't mean she needed to hold it over me every single time i made a single mistake or complained. What kid who hasn't been through **** or had a somewhat neglectful parent is gonna be grateful for something as normal as getting a ride to school, being taken to the dentist, or having their parent awake with them and looking out for them as they get ready for school? No kid i've ever met, and i'm a babysitter so i would know. I've babysat kids that were overjoyed that i simply played with them and didn't ignore them, and a little girl whose stepdad (when he wasn't working) would make her get ready and get on the bus in the morning all by herself.

But getting back to the point...yes i agree, yelling is immature and hypocritical when its a parent doing they yelling. Parents teach by example, they're their childrens' first role model so they have to be the best role model they can be. Yelling at a child all the time only teaches the child that when they have kids that yelling is the only way to discipline them. Indeed when i started babysitting the now-toddler i currently babysit, when he grew to the age where he was constantly getting into trouble yelling was my first instinct. But seeing the then one year old react with fear and crying made me second guess my approach. Yes perhaps in my situation my mom may have yelled (i'm not sure at an infant, but at a misbehaving child in general, yes). But to me yelling felt horrible, seeing him react like that. So i taught myself how to properly discipline him which, at that age, was as simple as saying 'no' and distracting him. Now that he's two its the one-two-three count and immediate removal from the situation if he doesn't listen. I think teaching myself how to handle the misbehavior of the toddler i babysit helped me to re-evaluate my mom's behavior with yelling.