What would you have done in this situation?

[Misty Avich]

I still wish it didn't have to happen to me. Part of my social anxiety in public places is having unexpected situations happen to me that I'm not sure how to deal with but feel obliged to give some sort of reaction. The odds are usually against me in public, like I'd be in the wrong place at the wrong time, just what happened that time on the bus.
I'm not the sort of person to talk to strangers unless they talk to me first or if it's necessary like thanking someone for holding a door open for me or something, so I wasn't going to go up to the mother and start giving her a lecture on how she should raise her kid lol, as I wasn't a parent myself.
But I do think it would have made the situation less awkward if she had taken control of the situation by pulling her child away by the hand and apologising to me, like "sorry about that, he's acting up today" or something like that. Then I would have smiled and said "not a problem" and thought no more of it.
But being in such an awkward situation, on a full bus, with social anxiety, I felt mean just sitting there but then if I got up and let him sit there I'd feel weak, defeated by a small child. I wasn't very good with kids back then. And I wasn't sure what the right thing to do was. If it was an elderly or disabled person needing a seat then I know that the appropriate thing for me to do was to give up my seat for them. But a crying child? I wasn't sure, as such a situation wasn't in any unwritten social handbook.

Like I said, unexpected situations often happen to me when I'm out in public on my own and has made me lose my confidence. I would list a lot of the other things that had happened too, but it might be too long to ramble on about here.

 

[Rodafina]

I still wish it didn't have to happen to me. Part of my social anxiety in public places is having unexpected situations happen to me that I'm not sure how to deal with but feel obliged to give some sort of reaction. The odds are usually against me in public, like I'd be in the wrong place at the wrong time, just what happened that time on the bus.
I'm not the sort of person to talk to strangers unless they talk to me first or if it's necessary like thanking someone for holding a door open for me or something, so I wasn't going to go up to the mother and start giving her a lecture on how she should raise her kid lol, as I wasn't a parent myself.
But I do think it would have made the situation less awkward if she had taken control of the situation by pulling her child away by the hand and apologising to me, like "sorry about that, he's acting up today" or something like that. Then I would have smiled and said "not a problem" and thought no more of it.
But being in such an awkward situation, on a full bus, with social anxiety, I felt mean just sitting there but then if I got up and let him sit there I'd feel weak, defeated by a small child. I wasn't very good with kids back then. And I wasn't sure what the right thing to do was. If it was an elderly or disabled person needing a seat then I know that the appropriate thing for me to do was to give up my seat for them. But a crying child? I wasn't sure, as such a situation wasn't in any unwritten social handbook.

Like I said, unexpected situations often happen to me when I'm out in public on my own and has made me lose my confidence. I would list a lot of the other things that had happened too, but it might be too long to ramble on about here.

Well said, Misty.

Yeah, going out into the world is risky business. For those that are already uncomfortable with neutral social situations, boy is it difficult when we are confronted with the unexpected. It’s so much to process in the moment, and it can leave a mark on us… Just like you years later, still wondering.

It seems like you have 100% consensus in this thread that you did nothing wrong.

 

[garnetflower13]

Directly confronting and interfering with a parent disciplining their child is risky business. When if you witness child abuse, the best thing is to report it to law enforcement. Leaving them- not you to assess the situation further.

In that part of the world, at that time, if I had reported it to law enforcement, I would have been detained and questioned; that is how law enforcement works. I had to get on with my own life. That is why I was discouraged.

 

[Judge]

In that part of the world, at that time, if I had reported it to law enforcement, I would have been detained and questioned; that is how law enforcement works. I had to get on with my own life. That is why I was discouraged.

Great Britain? (I was only addressing the OP. )

 

[Hypnalis]

@Misty Avich

There are protocols for this kind of thing, but there's no fixed approach for every situation.
Also each person needs to figure out their own "style", depending on their personality, skillset, and "mental resilience".

For example, for this specific case I could tell you what I might have done, but it's not likely that you could use the same methods.

The skills are probably learnable, but I don't think they're teachable via a forum.,

 

[garnetflower13]

Great Britain?

Southern USA. Law enforcement down there seems more concerned with suspecting the person trying to do the right thing, then getting the right thing done. Believe me, that is why I don't live down there anymore!

 

[Judge]

Southern USA. Law enforcement down there seems more concerned with suspecting the person trying to do the right thing, then getting the right thing done. Believe me, that is why I don't live down there anymore!

What state? I'm from Virginia, but live in Nevada.

(I know of non-white people who wouldn't approach a police officer for anything at all.)

Though Good Samaritan laws still are on the books...whether cops appreciate them or not.

 

[garnetflower13]

What state? I'm from Virginia, but live in Nevada.

(I know of non-white people who wouldn't approach a police officer for anything at all.)

Though Good Samaritan laws still are on the books...whether cops appreciate them or not.

I used to live in Florida. Now PA.

 

[Judge]

I used to live in Florida. Now PA.

Gotcha. Florida is becoming a very strange place these days....

 

[garnetflower13]

We had our car stolen right out of the carport, and the cops did nothing about it.

 

[MNAus]

I still wish it didn't have to happen to me. Part of my social anxiety in public places is having unexpected situations happen to me that I'm not sure how to deal with but feel obliged to give some sort of reaction. The odds are usually against me in public, like I'd be in the wrong place at the wrong time, just what happened that time on the bus.

That overthinking of situations, mulling over, dissecting is such a mixed blessing isn't it? On the one hand we might have fearsome brains, on the other we're sat there pondering when the rest of the world has moved on. I mean, this is YEARS later and it's still stuck in your brain. It must be so frustrating for you.

From my point of view, you didn't do OK, you did GOOD. You were the lesson that kid desperately needed that the world will not always bend to your will just because you want something. One day he might be in a situation where that person on the bus that one time guides him to a better decision. Kids need to learn this stuff.

 

[Hypnalis]

It's very unlikely the child learned anything.

It was a "little Karen" situation.
Check youTube for what it takes to get an adult with that mindset to face facts. And that's people who've had a chance to learn emotional regulation. They didn't do it, but they could have.

We have too little data to make a realistic assessment, but my guess is that the mother had taught the child to behave this way, by example and by not trying to teach them to act better.

If so, there's a good chance it was a "sleeping dog" case..
An adult with a normal brain but learned narcissistic behavior is likely to pass it on to the next generation. And no reasonable person can win a "head-banging competition" with someone who thinks that's normal behavior.

Bare-knuckle boxing - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

IMO @Misty Avich dealt with it well enough.

 

[Misty Avich]

That overthinking of situations, mulling over, dissecting is such a mixed blessing isn't it? On the one hand we might have fearsome brains, on the other we're sat there pondering when the rest of the world has moved on. I mean, this is YEARS later and it's still stuck in your brain. It must be so frustrating for you.

From my point of view, you didn't do OK, you did GOOD. You were the lesson that kid desperately needed that the world will not always bend to your will just because you want something. One day he might be in a situation where that person on the bus that one time guides him to a better decision. Kids need to learn this stuff.

Having an autobiographical memory is usually a blessing, as I can vividly remember a lot of my past, and it's so nice to be able to relive certain times in my childhood and recent years in my head. I'm writing autobiographies of most of my life, and most of the memories are accurate. I feel so pleased.
However, having an autobiographical memory has its downsides too. Often people with a good autobiographical memory tend to not only remember the good but also the bad stuff that happened in their lives and can't help but ruminate the memory and still remember how distressed you felt at the time.

Obviously this kid on the bus situation is not something I think about on a daily basis, nor is it the worst thing that has happened to me, but it's still something I remember and thought it would be interesting to discuss here. Doing this can sometimes help me deal with things.

But thank you everyone in this thread for understanding.

 

[The Pandector]

It's better not to judge people with a moment's information like OP had. The mother does not deserve to be demonized. She did the wrong thing letting her child act like that. We don't know anything more than that. It's better to afford her some compassion. We have no idea what was happening in her day or in her world.

That is very kind of you. ‘Demonized’ is one of those powerful words that gets overused, IMO. I didn’t liken the woman to a demon, for heaven’s sake, I held her accountable for poor child control compounded by rude neglect in public. Neither did I judge her; I responded to her behavior on the spot. Don’t need to know her life story, any more than if she were an obnoxious dog owner or cigarette smoker; blow your smoke in my face and see how consistent I can be.

I’m aware that lots of people don’t think or act like I do. I try to make room for well-intentioned enablers, hoping they’ll make room for me and my solutions.

 

[Rodafina]

you. ‘Demonized’ is one of those powerful words that gets overused, IMO. I didn’t liken the woman to a demon, for heaven’s sake,

 

[Misty Avich]

I mean, for all I know, the child could have been ND, like autism or ADHD or learning difficulties, but even if that was the case it's still down to the parents to deal with their child.
I'm not judging the child, I felt annoyed with the parent for not dealing with her child properly and leaving me in an awkward situation.

 

[Au Naturel]

I know this happened a few years ago now but it still plays on my mind.

So one day I was riding on a bus, in a single seat. Then a kid got on with his mother, he looked about age 4. He was crying and creating because I was sitting in the seat he wanted to sit in. His mother sat him down a couple of seats behind but he wouldn't stop. He then came over to me and cried "I wanna sit there! I wanna sit there!" Back then I didn't really like children and wasn't sure how to deal with them, plus I felt like I was being shown up and the mother was doing nothing, so I didn't move.
I was at the front and I felt so embarrassed because I felt like everyone in the bus was judging me and I bet most the people thought "oh that mean woman, won't give up her seat to a crying child". But he wasn't my kid, why should I give in to a child and let him have his own way? But I still felt a bit bad and wondered what others would have done in this situation. Obviously unexpected things like this always seems to happen to me in public, which is why I'm agoraphobic now. So I suddenly felt cornered and unsure of how to handle the situation.

It wasn't really the child I was blaming, it was how the mother very poorly handled it. She could have apologised to me (something my mum would have done if I was acting up in public that affected a stranger), or told him the rule of "first come first serve", which is often relevant in life and is something children need to learn from a young age.

I don't know. Hopefully I'll be reassured here, but what would you have done if you were in this situation? Would you have gave in to a random child's demands, or would you have stayed sitting hoping the parent would deal with it? Am I a bad person?

Uh... if the bus passengers judged anyone, it was the kid and parent. The spoiled kid raising a ruckus with the unconcerned parent refusing to rein in their child is so common and so obnoxious it has become a meme, a trope, or something like that. You did the right thing.

 

[Au Naturel]

View attachment 118768

It is a national pass time. We can't just disagree, smile, and go our way. We have to vilify the other guy.

 

[Misty Avich]

Uh... if the bus passengers judged anyone, it was the kid and parent. The spoiled kid raising a ruckus with the unconcerned parent refusing to rein in their child is so common and so obnoxious it has become a meme, a trope, or something like that. You did the right thing.

My social anxiety tells me most the people on the bus were looking at me expecting me to give in to the boy and give up my seat for him. There were a lot of elderly people that got on the bus regularly and would often gaze at a baby or child in a stroller, even if they were screaming their heads off they'd still be like "aww what a sweet little infant".

 

[Au Naturel]

My social anxiety tells me most the people on the bus were looking at me expecting me to give in to the boy and give up my seat for him. There were a lot of elderly people that got on the bus regularly and would often gaze at a baby or child in a stroller, even if they were screaming their heads off they'd still be like "aww what a sweet little infant".

That's why it is called social anxiety and not social accuracy. You are making up stuff in your imagination with no evidence. Seeing yourself through other people's eyes and imagining the worst. And then you overvalue the opinion that you imagined them having. It is not easy to extract yourself from that mindset. Some people are naturally anxious, and some learn it.

There is something known as the spotlight effect. We imagine that all eyes are on us. In reality, they are immersed in their affairs or paying attention to (or trying very hard to ignore) the strongest signal - which, in this case, would be the spoiled screaming child and not the child's victim.

Spotlight Effect: Not Everyone is Looking at You

The spotlight effect occurs when we overestimate how much others notice us. It is common in those with social anxiety disorder, but there are ways to cope.

www.verywellmind.com

There is a huge difference between a baby or toddler in a stroller and someone old enough to walk away from Mom and start making demands. Babies and toddlers are supposed to cry when they want something. They don't have words. I have two kids and a grandchild's worth of experience on this.

If you are old enough to wander away from Mom and demand something as specific as sitting in an occupied seat on a bus, you are expected to accept "no" for an answer, and Mom is expected to enforce it. Those elderly people are all from my generation. That's how most of my generation thinks because it was what was expected of us.