What would you have done in this situation?

[Misty Avich]

I know this happened a few years ago now but it still plays on my mind.

So one day I was riding on a bus, in a single seat. Then a kid got on with his mother, he looked about age 4. He was crying and creating because I was sitting in the seat he wanted to sit in. His mother sat him down a couple of seats behind but he wouldn't stop. He then came over to me and cried "I wanna sit there! I wanna sit there!" Back then I didn't really like children and wasn't sure how to deal with them, plus I felt like I was being shown up and the mother was doing nothing, so I didn't move.
I was at the front and I felt so embarrassed because I felt like everyone in the bus was judging me and I bet most the people thought "oh that mean woman, won't give up her seat to a crying child". But he wasn't my kid, why should I give in to a child and let him have his own way? But I still felt a bit bad and wondered what others would have done in this situation. Obviously unexpected things like this always seems to happen to me in public, which is why I'm agoraphobic now. So I suddenly felt cornered and unsure of how to handle the situation.

It wasn't really the child I was blaming, it was how the mother very poorly handled it. She could have apologised to me (something my mum would have done if I was acting up in public that affected a stranger), or told him the rule of "first come first serve", which is often relevant in life and is something children need to learn from a young age.

I don't know. Hopefully I'll be reassured here, but what would you have done if you were in this situation? Would you have gave in to a random child's demands, or would you have stayed sitting hoping the parent would deal with it? Am I a bad person?

 

[undertheradar]

I would have hollered at mom and told the kid to go sit with her

 

[Judge]

Before I got out of High School I realized how critical it is to never let anyone put you on the spot. In essence, you held your ground for all the right reasons and did so more or less in a passive manner. That's all. Regardless of how any total strangers may have felt.

Besides, at that age children have virtually no impulse control. For that reason alone, it's not worth even getting upset over. In general I like kids and do well with them. But in this instance giving into them would not be the right thing to do IMO.

My Preschooler Has No Self-Control. Is This Typical?

Does your preschooler seem to have no self-control? An expert explains what’s typical behavior for 4-year-olds and shares tips to curb impulsive behavior in kids.

www.understood.org

 

[Rodafina]

It wasn't really the child I was blaming, it was how the mother very poorly handled it.

Exactly. That was the caregiver’s chance to teach a lesson about entitlement and that making a scene is not the way to get what one wants.

I don't know. Hopefully I'll be reassured here, but what would you have done if you were in this situation?

Probably the same thing. Even if you offered it, some caregivers might say no because they don’t want to reinforce that behavior. You were stuck in someone else’s situation.

Would you have gave in to a random child's demands, or would you have stayed sitting hoping the parent would deal with it?

I think so… stay sitting and just wait for the whole situation to be over. If you had been given the chance to offer the seat to a child in a positive situation, maybe. For example if the bus was stopped and a parade was going by and you said “oh come here you can sit here and look out the window.” But to give up your seat in the situation you described reinforces bad behavior and it’s totally not your responsibility.

Am I a bad person?

No way.

 

[Misty Avich]

It was very awkward though.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I know this happened a few years ago now but it still plays on my mind.

So one day I was riding on a bus, in a single seat. Then a kid got on with his mother, he looked about age 4. He was crying and creating because I was sitting in the seat he wanted to sit in. His mother sat him down a couple of seats behind but he wouldn't stop. He then came over to me and cried "I wanna sit there! I wanna sit there!" Back then I didn't really like children and wasn't sure how to deal with them, plus I felt like I was being shown up and the mother was doing nothing, so I didn't move.
I was at the front and I felt so embarrassed because I felt like everyone in the bus was judging me and I bet most the people thought "oh that mean woman, won't give up her seat to a crying child". But he wasn't my kid, why should I give in to a child and let him have his own way? But I still felt a bit bad and wondered what others would have done in this situation. Obviously unexpected things like this always seems to happen to me in public, which is why I'm agoraphobic now. So I suddenly felt cornered and unsure of how to handle the situation.

It wasn't really the child I was blaming, it was how the mother very poorly handled it. She could have apologised to me (something my mum would have done if I was acting up in public that affected a stranger), or told him the rule of "first come first serve", which is often relevant in life and is something children need to learn from a young age.

I don't know. Hopefully I'll be reassured here, but what would you have done if you were in this situation? Would you have gave in to a random child's demands, or would you have stayed sitting hoping the parent would deal with it? Am I a bad person?

You handled it well and as you should have.

People who use emotional thinking in this case are not understanding the potential consequences of setting the president of giving up your seat. The next bus ride, he's going to expect another person to give up their seat. He learns to become manipulative and a bully. I definitely would have reacted not to the child, but given his mom "the stink eye" for not disciplining her child in public. It's literally a parents job to create good, moral, accountable, and responsible citizens. She "dropped the ball". Don't get me started on how many parents create these emotional, self-centered, low-functioning, entitled, morally corrupt, perpetually offended, "monsters".

 

[Aspychata]

It's a four year-old. I never let my four year-old wander around on a moving vehicle crowded with people. So by telling the child to sit with their mom, would cut down on a accident happening. That age group is all over the place emotionally, so l wouldn't take it personally at all. I also wouldn't care what others thought of me. Clearly, you have never
ridden a bus in central LA.

 

[Misty Avich]

I didn't take it personally as such, I just felt irritated that I had to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, dealing with an unexpected situation that I wasn't quite sure how to deal with.
I often got this bus and so did a lot of the same elderly people, and I know they liked to gossip.

I do get embarrassed easily in public and sensitive to what other people are thinking.

The mother of the boy sat there and did nothing, just let her child demand at a stranger to sit in their seat.

 

[The Pandector]

What would I do? If I hadn't already yielded my seat when the kid demanded it, I would have ignored the child and talked to the mother. "Gee. I was going to offer him my seat, but now it would be terrible training for an adult to give way to such ill behavior. I don't want to mess up whatever training you're planning on giving him as to either courtesy or respect, so I'll stay put. It's so hard to teach them these days, isn't it? At what age do you feel a child should be trained not to boss around a stranger, or an adult, or an adult stranger?" Something instructive and inspirational, like that. But I wouldn't look at the kid.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Realistically speaking, I would have frozen up completely, not in anger or annoyance, but in fear, as I wouldn't know what was appropriate or expected of me.

Normally I am very pliant, except when put on the spot. When a beggar tells me to give them money, I also tend to freeze up and continue on because of said fear, even though I otherwise like donating. I don’t like judging people, and I especially hate confrontation, so it wouldn't even cross my mind to talk with a parent.

If they kept going for long enough to get me out of the frozen state, I might stand up (since I'm fine with standing), but it would definitely feel upsetting in any case to have to make this sudden decision under duress, and I might need a bit of time to recover after I had left the bus no matter the choice I made.

 

[Progster]

You did the right thing. The kid needed to learn that you can't just go and demand of strangers that they give up their seat. It's a lesson the kid had to learn.

 

[Hypnalis]

... I was going to offer him my seat, but now it would be terrible training for an adult ...

I think this is way too much.

The problem occurred because the mother wasn't doing her job well. Some people, especially if they know they've made a mistake, will go after you for overstepping (telling them how to do their job).
It's not rational, but it seems to make people feel better.

Minimum assertiveness is always best. Don't give the other person anything to react to / push against.
Unless if course you really want to light them up. But IMO that would be an over-reaction in this case.

 

[AO1501]

@Misty Avich
Quite possibly, a few people on the bus would have given up that seat to the child - which might have made the problem go away, but would simply teach the child that tantrums and bad behavior will usually get him what he wants.

Ironically, those same people would have been looking at the incident and thinking 'Glad that's not me' and in the process feeling sorry for you being subjected to it. I doubt any reasonably-minded person witnessing that would have thought the seat should have been given up to the child - and if they did, it would not have been because you should give the seat up, but just to stop the noise of his petulance.

In that situation, I would have ignored the child. It is not the duty of an adult to yield to the sense of entitlement of a badly parented child. It is the duty of a parent to teach their child reasonable behaviors that should apply in public places, and to reinforce that with their authority over the child.

 

[Kayla55]

My asd son was very specific about his chair, would not swop chairs. Many times he got his own way and it wasn't fair on his brother, but he wasn't a child who would stop meltdown and learn...
So no, usually I don't give kids own way and as above listed advice, but he was only like this over certain things.

I had many lonely years raising him, I wasn't popular, he was bloody difficult and would scream in public and nothing stopped him.
Ah, those years were long

 

[garnetflower13]

You did the right thing! There was not one good reason for you to give way to someone else's kid, just because. It was on his parent to have him seated and safe in a moving vehicle, and not bothering strangers.

 

[The Pandector]

I think this is way too much.

The problem occurred because the mother wasn't doing her job well. Some people, especially if they know they've made a mistake, will go after you for overstepping (telling them how to do their job).
It's not rational, but it seems to make people feel better.

Minimum assertiveness is always best. Don't give the other person anything to react to / push against.
Unless if course you really want to light them up. But IMO that would be an over-reaction in this case.

Yeah, I see what you’re saying. That is very polite of you.

From the telling of the story, the kid’s mother was in need of a boot in the buttocks. IMO, it’s like terrorism; no one profits when the victim pretends it isn’t happening. In my experience, that woman will continue to inflict her errant progeny on everyone else rather than take responsibility for her child.

You don’t want to give that mother anything to push back against. What you might be thinking is that you don’t want to get involved. The reason you were involved like-it-or-not is because every victim before you just didn’t want to get involved.

Everyone refusing to take a citizen’s responsibility is responsible for much of the unpleasantness in the world. Sometimes, what an inconsiderate person needs is to have a victim look them in the eye. Maybe you won’t make a difference immediately, but if you and just one other person tell her the same thing over the course of a year, that bug will climb up where it belongs and she’ll go gripe at her mother about rude people who comment on other people’s obnoxious children, whereupon the unbridled child’s grandmother will tell the mother that, indeed, her child is unnecessarily rude in public, which will cause the mother to storm home, miscreant in tow, with something to think about. Her husband will suffer with her anger and try to sympathize while at the same time trying not to miss the opportunity to finally talk to her about their ill-mannered child, causing her to cut him off for a week. By the end of the week, she is embarrassed because now four people have confirmed that her kid’s a brat, hubby’s out of the doghouse, and she hopes nobody catches her poring over the parenting books in the self-help section at the bookstore.

In the end, you experienced the fulfillment of doing a good deed, the kid got trained, the kid’s future-victim count plummeted and hubby was only out a week’s companionship in the deal. Granny, unfortunately, was never forgiven, but that relationship was in the mud long before you came into the picture.

Of course, in practice, the details of the narrative might deviate slightly, and it’s unlikely that the lady ever finds you to thank you, though she tried for years, but you will still be able to fall asleep knowing you played a pivotal role in that family’s future.

 

[garnetflower13]

I once saw two examples of child rearing that were completely opposite each other. There was a woman who was obviously a grandmother, and she was riding the bus with two very small children. They were tired and she had the little girl in her lap, and the little boy leaned trustingly against her as the bus droned along.

Then a young mother boarded the bus with a little boy and a little girl. The little girl rode in a stroller, and the boy was left to fend for himself on a moving bus. As the bus started to roll, the boy pitched forward and struck his face on the base of one of the seats, and started to cry. The mother screeched at him and struck him as punishment for losing his balance, then rudely grasped his arm and flung him into a vacant seat.

I wanted so badly to fling her off the bus and into moving traffic (just kidding) but was at a loss as to what I could have done that wouldn't have incited a lot of useless drama. What was sad, was that none of the other passengers reacted either. It is hard to know how to respond to stuff like this, so often nothing can be done. Most people just want to get to their destination.

 

[Rodafina]

Yeah, I see what you’re saying. That is very polite of you.

From the telling of the story, the kid’s mother was in need of a boot in the buttocks. IMO, it’s like terrorism; no one profits when the victim pretends it isn’t happening. In my experience, that woman will continue to inflict her errant progeny on everyone else rather than take responsibility for her child.

You don’t want to give that mother anything to push back against. What you might be thinking is that you don’t want to get involved. The reason you were involved like-it-or-not is because every victim before you just didn’t want to get involved.

Everyone refusing to take a citizen’s responsibility is responsible for much of the unpleasantness in the world. Sometimes, what an inconsiderate person needs is to have a victim look them in the eye. Maybe you won’t make a difference immediately, but if you and just one other person tell her the same thing over the course of a year, that bug will climb up where it belongs and she’ll go gripe at her mother about rude people who comment on other people’s obnoxious children, whereupon the unbridled child’s grandmother will tell the mother that, indeed, her child is unnecessarily rude in public, which will cause the mother to storm home, miscreant in tow, with something to think about. Her husband will suffer with her anger and try to sympathize while at the same time trying not to miss the opportunity to finally talk to her about their ill-mannered child, causing her to cut him off for a week. By the end of the week, she is embarrassed because now four people have confirmed that her kid’s a brat, hubby’s out of the doghouse, and she hopes nobody catches her poring over the parenting books in the self-help section at the bookstore.

In the end, you experienced the fulfillment of doing a good deed, the kid got trained, the kid’s future-victim count plummeted and hubby was only out a week’s companionship in the deal. Granny, unfortunately, was never forgiven, but that relationship was in the mud long before you came into the picture.

Of course, in practice, the details of the narrative might deviate slightly, and it’s unlikely that the lady ever finds you to thank you, though she tried for years, but you will still be able to fall asleep knowing you played a pivotal role in that family’s future.

It's better not to judge people with a moment's information like OP had. The mother does not deserve to be demonized. She did the wrong thing letting her child act like that. We don't know anything more than that. It's better to afford her some compassion. We have no idea what was happening in her day or in her world.

 

[Judge]

I wanted so badly to fling her off the bus and into moving traffic (just kidding) but was at a loss as to what I could have done that wouldn't have incited a lot of useless drama. What was sad, was that none of the other passengers reacted either. It is hard to know how to respond to stuff like this, so often nothing can be done. Most people just want to get to their destination.

Directly confronting and interfering with a parent disciplining their child is risky business. When if you witness child abuse, the best thing is to report it to law enforcement. Leaving them- not you to assess the situation further.

 

[Aspychata]

@Kayla55 , I think my grandmother told me , l did a complete meltdown in a very busy place, and she just looked at me. Probably sensory overload for me, l was a toddler. So l understand it was difficult for you. I sprinkled in social settings, in with down time for my daughter, and in the end, she came thru. I believe that she still has friends from high school which is quite remarkable. But she has a very bubbly personality so she has done well. I
am sorry, l refuse to respect a mother who let a four year-wonder around on a public bus. Totally inappropriate behavior.