What would you do?

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

If you were having struggles with certain areas and needing support and was unable to get it?
How long did it take for you to be true to your authentic self and did you need counselling to get there?
Was it a battle for you to be true to it or get there?
Have you had to mask for a very long time?
And struggle to find people who love you for you?
Was counselling helpful to you or not?
Has anyone has struggles with childhood trauma and trying to deal with it as well as autism and other disabilities like adhd and ocd?
This is a lot on one thread but any help or advice or what happened to you and what helped you is appreciated

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Also I have another question, did you have a thing which I heard another autistic say about stages of life whereas you go through several stages and how it is important to have them and how it screws you up to get a late diagnosis? So did anyone feel lost without those stages?

 

[Crossbreed]

Think of it this way.

Left-handers must learn to write the same script as everybody else, but they use their left hand to do so.

Autistics have to navigate a world designed for NTs, but we must do so using our atypical neurology. That is what an autism-competent counselor can help you to do.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

If you were having struggles with certain areas and needing support and was unable to get it?
How long did it take for you to be true to your authentic self and did you need counselling to get there?
Was it a battle for you to be true to it or get there?
Have you had to mask for a very long time?
And struggle to find people who love you for you?
Was counselling helpful to you or not?
Has anyone has struggles with childhood trauma and trying to deal with it as well as autism and other disabilities like adhd and ocd?
This is a lot on one thread but any help or advice or what happened to you and what helped you is appreciated

I'll try to answer all the questions which you have...

It's difficult, as I'm a late-diagnosed autistic individual, and grew up in a household which didn't know how to navigate neurodivergency (despite my parents obviously being neurodivergent themselves).

I struggled a lot with socialization and having connections (I had friends, but no girlfriends til college) and school was problematic; I was horrible at math (though I thought it was due to another disability) and my parents knew I struggled with directions. "You can't use your disability as a crutch!" my mother would scream at me whenever I tried to 'weasel' my way out of doing something. O mother dearest if only you knew...

In order to be my authentic self, I had to rely on the support and hard work of my partner, who strove to arrange so we could finally live together officially. I moved out of the house of my parents nearly three years ago and I had to immediately leave my retail job as it was too much to handle (my only full-time job, at which I last barely over six months). I took essentially two years off from work and by doing so, I had the mental freedom to discover my autism and really come to grips with it.

I'll say yes; it's definitely been a battle for me to get to where I am today. My worst enemy has been myself, even though I didn't know it; I was raised on a lot of abelist beliefs and had stereotypes of those who are disabled and 'different.' Ironic, right? My unknown autism caused huge issues in my relationship; things from communication problems to becoming cold and distant and overwhelmed during the summers when I had to endure retail work and living with my parents; obsessing over someone else who'd left long ago; coming to grips with the fact that I'm horrible at comforting the one who I love when they are in emotional distress. Despite all the trouble I've caused--and none of it being intentional--I'm ever-grateful to my partner who has stuck with me despite the issues I've had and caused. A long long battle indeed.

I still struggle with childhood trauma; in addition to my diagnosis, I also met the criteria for CPTSD. Armed with this knowledge, as well as my diagnosis, has led me to become distant and uncaring towards my parents. Despite the good they did, I was still neglected in ways various, and abused. This has led to a strain in the relationship with my sister, who has always been at odds with our mother but never our father (she was, after all, never struck by him like I was).

Golly it feels good to write all of this out. I'll come back later and clarify or edit some things, if you like.


*edit* So another point I'd like to stress is that another reason I'm cutting out my parents is that because they see me as a pure extension of themselves, they'd be shocked and hurt to know their son has autism. But they refuse to look inwards and see it in themselves too because 'it's a weakness', I guess? I don't like to see them or how I feel when I'm around them. Or how they treat me when I'm around them. And they wonder why I never visit the place I grew up or why I never call them....

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Think of it this way.

Left-handers must learn to write the same script as everybody else, but they use their left hand to do so.

Autistics have to navigate a world designed for NTs, but we must do so using our atypical neurology. That is what an autism-competent counselor help you to do.

I wish I'd known of my autism earlier in life, and had counseling.

 

[Rodafina]

If you were having struggles with certain areas and needing support and was unable to get it?

Try to get creative and find support. Support can look very different to different people. Unconventional support is valuable, too.

How long did it take for you to be true to your authentic self and did you need counselling to get there?

Still working on that. I have utilized counseling for much of my adult life.

Was it a battle for you to be true to it or get there?

Yes, understanding everything was the most difficult part.

Have you had to mask for a very long time?

I did mask for a very long time. It’s not so much that I had to, more of a survival instinct.

And struggle to find people who love you for you?

I have been very lucky to find people who love me, but it is difficult for me to show the same kind of love back to them. We seem to understand love and connection differently.

Was counselling helpful to you or not?

Yes, but not always. Unfortunately I am like many others for whom it took several tries to find a good match and counseling that was really supportive.

Has anyone has struggles with childhood trauma and trying to deal with it as well as autism and other disabilities like adhd and ocd?

Yes, but not as bad as what some people endured in their childhood. Mostly, comorbid mental health conditions. Still working through my childhood experiences in therapy, though.

 

[AdamG]

I am 55 and self-diagnosed a month ago. I do not feel like I lost any "stages" as I'm probably going through all of them super fast right now LOL Body pain and restructuring of my skeleton is a part of it ... which is very difficult and makes me immobile. But in the end, I believe that this is 55 years of stress and bad thinking coming out of my body, so I take the pain in stride mostly.
.
That was a tangent. Wow. So, for me, my biggest struggle in early life was education. I was tested out as super genius, but I couldn't perform consistently well in school. In one class, math, I was outwardly disruptive with making jokes (because I knew this baby math) and so they put me in the back to "self study". Just ignored.
.
So that was huge. I'm self taught in almost everything I know, but I cannot DO anything. Because I was never taught how to learn, or actually manage my thoughts.
.
I masked from even myself for 55 years. So now I feel like a little baby, learning how to walk. For some things. For others, my 55 years of experience have taught me well. So it is mixed.

 

[Misery]

Well, for me there's multiple layers to this. Obviously there's the autism which has many, many facets to it. But there's also the, uh, gender issues. That's much, much harder to deal with. Family doesnt know about that part yet... er... maybe. I strongly suspect my father figured it out, but I cant be sure. Regardless, starting up a conversation that basically boils down to saying "I'm a girl" is... daunting. Very daunting. I tried, recently. But I froze up (as in, went completely nonverbal) and that just made it even worse. Add in the fact that it is the primary source of my depression, and... yeah. I came out about it on the forum here a few months ago, but even quite awhile after doing that, I still get nervous talking about it. Nervous right now, for that matter...

Of course the autism is also a huge thing. When it comes to masking, I must mask both of those things at the same time. That's tough, but also tough was the realization that it turns out I'm not actually very good at that. When it comes to the autism, the traits about me that can appear "bizarre" to others do stand out, though I do my best to keep those traits toned down. And as far as the, uh, trans thing, well... yeah I was never masculine to begin with. I look rather feminine just by default and some personality traits just lean that way as well. I apparently dont mask this very well either. I've told a few people about it at this point, and every single one of them responded with something like "yeah, I kinda figured that out awhile ago, it was pretty obvious". So... that was a revelation.

And honestly I'm just so tired of masking in general, for both aspects. I hate trying to pretend to be someone that I just am not. Tired of having to watch every bloody thing I say, tired of staying silent much of the time due to the risk of giving something away. Which also includes special interests. Most of the time, I dont talk about those outside of this forum. Family and friends know of a couple of them. But there's certain other interests that I deem as "too weird" to let just anyone know about it. The sorts of fixations that are not exactly uncommon among autistic people, but that can seem just too strange to many NTs. I get embarrassed about that stuff. Well, I get embarrassed about basically everything, really. It's part of why I'm having so much trouble just dropping the mask.

Currently, I've got some good help from a therapist... the stated reason to start seeing a therapist was anxiety (which is another big issue for me) but the true reason was the gender stuff and the more difficult autism aspects that are just hard to discuss with others. She's been super nice and very helpful, and very patient in dealing with me when I'm getting overloaded or anxious about something.

Fortunately I'm also surrounded by very loving people. Which makes the whole coming out thing even stupider, as there's not actually anything to fear there, but anxiety and paranoia arent exactly driven by reason, eh?

Something I also need to do is have an extended conversation with family about autism in general. I've learned a lot about it over the last couple of years, and I've realized that most of what I now know about it, family does not know yet. So, that's a talk I need to have, but it needs to be done in such a way that allows me to convey various topics about it without just confusing the heck outta everyone. Bit of a challenge, that. I'm not good at explaining concepts to people. But it's important, I think.

The fact that I'm autistic has been known for a long time though. I was diagnosed a couple of years after college, the process was very strange. I often hear about this process from others being like, okay, meet with a specific professional, do some tests, get diagnosis. My process involved a team of professionals instead of just one (likely due to my father's influence) and a very long barrage of tests. It was rather overwhelming, but one of those things that was a big relief to finally understand.

So... yeah, that's my experience with that stuff. I dont know what else to say.

 

[AdamG]

Well, for me there's multiple layers to this. Obviously there's the autism which has many, many facets to it. But there's also the, uh, gender issues. That's much, much harder to deal with. Family doesnt know about that part yet... er... maybe. I strongly suspect my father figured it out, but I cant be sure. Regardless, starting up a conversation that basically boils down to saying "I'm a girl" is... daunting. Very daunting. I tried, recently. But I froze up (as in, went completely nonverbal) and that just made it even worse. Add in the fact that it is the primary source of my depression, and... yeah. I came out about it on the forum here a few months ago, but even quite awhile after doing that, I still get nervous talking about it. Nervous right now, for that matter...

For my part, I'm glad you are talking about your gender issues. It is 100% you and valid, so the uncomfortable feeling you have is about you coming to terms with it, being fully comfortable with yourself. I think you are very brave to talk about it at all, here in this relatively safe space.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

My real struggles came as a young adult. I did not know I was autistic (diagnosed late), but knew I was socially dysfunctional. I think I masked by trying to please people and lost myself. Even though I had the normal desires of belonging, connection and an intimate relationship I saw no way forward.

Then, I fell in with an older hippie couple. They were welcoming and accepting and this convinced me to be myself. I started living independently, learning my way in the world. I read all I could about social communication and body language, but still had processing issues. I embraced my interests, taking delight in things I liked. Then I started to join interest/activity groups. Success there and in research gave me confidence in my abilities, yet I had a hard time asking women out. Finally had modest success at 26 and I was learning about the care of relationships. Still I could not be completely vulnerable with a woman and was in a relationship for a few months. I was getting more prepared to advocate for myself.

Then, lightning struck and I met my future spouse when I called her to car pool to a trail maintenance project. She was sorta shy, but looking for a guy she could do outdoor activities with, even as I was hoping to meet a woman for the same reason. We hit it off and I went way out of my comfort zone. She was kind and it was wonderful to feel accepted sexually. I was amazed at all the emotions brought out making love with a friend. We have been together for 45 years. Still having adventures.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Think of it this way.

Left-handers must learn to write the same script as everybody else, but they use their left hand to do so.

Autistics have to navigate a world designed for NTs, but we must do so using our atypical neurology. That is what an autism-competent counselor can help you to do.

Yeah, I am finding it hard. I have a lot of complex conditions but a lot of things are masking to me. A lot of interactions involve masking that is why I find it hard, I am really thinking of just giving up on
geniune human connection
I must admit I have had the worst experience with cptsd and triggers and feeling like I have to be there for others or fitting some box I am not happy in and was happier when I left it behind.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I'll try to answer all the questions which you have...

It's difficult, as I'm a late-diagnosed autistic individual, and grew up in a household which didn't know how to navigate neurodivergency (despite my parents obviously being neurodivergent themselves).

I struggled a lot with socialization and having connections (I had friends, but no girlfriends til college) and school was problematic; I was horrible at math (though I thought it was due to another disability) and my parents knew I struggled with directions. "You can't use your disability as a crutch!" my mother would scream at me whenever I tried to 'weasel' my way out of doing something. O mother dearest if only you knew...

In order to be my authentic self, I had to rely on the support and hard work of my partner, who strove to arrange so we could finally live together officially. I moved out of the house of my parents nearly three years ago and I had to immediately leave my retail job as it was too much to handle (my only full-time job, at which I last barely over six months). I took essentially two years off from work and by doing so, I had the mental freedom to discover my autism and really come to grips with it.

I'll say yes; it's definitely been a battle for me to get to where I am today. My worst enemy has been myself, even though I didn't know it; I was raised on a lot of abelist beliefs and had stereotypes of those who are disabled and 'different.' Ironic, right? My unknown autism caused huge issues in my relationship; things from communication problems to becoming cold and distant and overwhelmed during the summers when I had to endure retail work and living with my parents; obsessing over someone else who'd left long ago; coming to grips with the fact that I'm horrible at comforting the one who I love when they are in emotional distress. Despite all the trouble I've caused--and none of it being intentional--I'm ever-grateful to my partner who has stuck with me despite the issues I've had and caused. A long long battle indeed.

I still struggle with childhood trauma; in addition to my diagnosis, I also met the criteria for CPTSD. Armed with this knowledge, as well as my diagnosis, has led me to become distant and uncaring towards my parents. Despite the good they did, I was still neglected in ways various, and abused. This has led to a strain in the relationship with my sister, who has always been at odds with our mother but never our father (she was, after all, never struck by him like I was).

Golly it feels good to write all of this out. I'll come back later and clarify or edit some things, if you like.


*edit* So another point I'd like to stress is that another reason I'm cutting out my parents is that because they see me as a pure extension of themselves, they'd be shocked and hurt to know their son has autism. But they refuse to look inwards and see it in themselves too because 'it's a weakness', I guess? I don't like to see them or how I feel when I'm around them. Or how they treat me when I'm around them. And they wonder why I never visit the place I grew up or why I never call them....

I have childhood trauma 2 and cptsd and bpd and am finding them so hard for someone like me who has autism, adhd and ocd.
I am very lonely but in a lot of ways do not know where I fit and have given up on deep plantonic love and am finding it hard with my family and to commit to relationships and just want to be free.
It is so hard, I just want to say your feelings are valid it is so hard to cope with autism and these conditions. Everything you feel, hope u are always kind to yourself about it all, it is so hard.
And I'm glad you have a supportive boyfriend who is helping you.
Thank you
Laura

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yeah, I am finding it hard. I have a lot of complex conditions but a lot of things are masking to me. A lot of interactions involve masking that is why I find it hard, I am really thinking of just giving up on
geniune human connection
I must admit I have had the worst experience with cptsd and triggers and feeling like I have to be there for others or fitting some box I am not happy in and was happier when I left it behind.

I hear ya. As a teen and young adult I was socially isolated and existentially lonely. Little did I realize the trauma in that as I internalized negative thoughts about my self image and body image. Then a few years ago, changes as I age triggered those feelings again. I found a therapist specializing in PTSD and autism. She guided me through Cognitive Processing Therapy where I had to closely examine my feelings, triggers, and issues that prevented me from moving past the triggers. I now am not triggered, feel positive about myself, and can feel sad about experiences I missed without the previous anger.

 

[VictorR]

If you were having struggles with certain areas and needing support and was unable to get it?

It wasn't until I started my (discovery/identification/diagnosis) journey that I even realized that I needed support. Until then, I thought that I was just weird/different. Lots of random labels like "shy", "quiet", "reserved", "kooky" thrown about by teachers and others.

How long did it take for you to be true to your authentic self and did you need counselling to get there?
Was it a battle for you to be true to it or get there?
Have you had to mask for a very long time?

It's an ongoing process. Sometimes I don't even realize that something (e.g. ordering a beer at a pub) is a mask until it's been pointed out, and I realize that it's okay to do what you want rather than what most people would do. Of course, there are some cases where for safety reasons you want to blend in rather than stand out. (such as when travelling)

And struggle to find people who love you for you?

I'm fortunate to have some friends who appreciate me for who I am, but I would say that compared to most people, it takes me a longer time to develop connections.

I'm one of those people that can talk too much (and scare people away) or talk too little (in which case people don't get to know me).

I've found it easiest to meet people through work as I love learning, sharing, and mentoring, and work provides a place to do that naturally, with things to talk about.

Was counselling helpful to you or not?

I've only tried it twice. The first time I didn't really get much from it. The second time I was actually gaslit by the counselor.

I understand that finding autism and trauma informed counsellors is rather difficult, and I'm kind of in the "once bitten twice shy" phase right now where I'm kind of hesitant to try again due to my most recent experience.

 

[tazz]

How long did it take for you to be true to your authentic self and did you need counselling to get there?
Was it a battle for you to be true to it or get there?
Have you had to mask for a very long time?

I've always lived according to my values. But that's not the full story. I accept that some "masking" is ok - getting along with folk in a crowded world requires a bit of give and take from everyone. But a lot of masking is not ok at all, for example feeling forced to hide certain physical behaviours or act like everything's ok even in environments that cause extreme anxiety and distress - just so I can take part in things without people laughing at me or excluding me. I've had to do that a lot to achieve the things I wanted to achieve in life.

Now I'm older I don't feel such a need to achieve anything so I naturally don't feel so much pressure to mask.

But I also feel resentment and so I make a point of not masking where possible.

It feels good to be more authentic. But yes, I've masked a very long time and it's been a battle.

And struggle to find people who love you for you?

Yes, a massive struggle. I've been in long term romantic relationships but they were always conditional - which maybe all relationships are and that's a discussion for another thread. But specifically in my relationships, the other person wanted me to be my masked self; that's who they met first, that's who they saw while we were getting to know each other. And then as I started letting the mask down a little, even in private, they didn't like it. I was I was embarrassing, distant and cold - apparently.

With my close friends, they have also been weird about the autism diagnosis - somewhat doubtful, basically asking me to prove it. This surprised me and I felt a bit betrayed. But I think it comes from two things: i) all they know about autism is the misleading stuff they've come across accidentally in the media; and ii) I've done a good job of masking. So they've got this caricature of what an autistic person is and I clearly don't look like that. Hence they are confused and doubtful.

Was counselling helpful to you or not?

I had counselling (actually sessions with a clinical psychologist, counselling is something different, at least here in the UK) for depression. She was not a specialist in autism but she noticed I might be autistic and suggested I get assessed. So in that sense it has been extremely helpful. She's also helped me to understand where the depression comes from. So again, that's helpful. But the cognitive behavioural therapy was less useful.

I also briefly met with a psychologist who is a specialist in autism, and she explained that CBT doesn't tend to work as well for people with autism. They're actually running a research program to try to figure out how to adapt CBT to work better for autistic people.

But I haven't had any counselling yet to help me discover my true self and stop masking. I'm seriously thinking about it, given that I clearly can't talk openly and sensibly about it with most of my friends or my close family.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Try to get creative and find support. Support can look very different to different people. Unconventional support is valuable, too.


Still working on that. I have utilized counseling for much of my adult life.


Yes, understanding everything was the most difficult part.


I did mask for a very long time. It’s not so much that I had to, more of a survival instinct.


I have been very lucky to find people who love me, but it is difficult for me to show the same kind of love back to them. We seem to understand love and connection differently.


Yes, but not always. Unfortunately I am like many others for whom it took several tries to find a good match and counseling that was really supportive.


Yes, but not as bad as what some people endured in their childhood. Mostly, comorbid mental health conditions. Still working through my childhood experiences in therapy, though.

I am finding fon

I hear ya. As a teen and young adult I was socially isolated and existentially lonely. Little did I realize the trauma in that as I internalized negative thoughts about my self image and body image. Then a few years ago, changes as I age triggered those feelings again. I found a therapist specializing in PTSD and autism. She guided me through Cognitive Processing Therapy where I had to closely examine my feelings, triggers, and issues that prevented me from moving past the triggers. I now am not triggered, feel positive about myself, and can feel sad about experiences I missed without the previous anger.

That is a relief, I have been blaming myself so much for triggers and not fitting a box I should which has been so hard for me.
I have found it really hard to find friends who are geniune too who have geniune intentions for me and geniunely love me for me. I get very lonely.
I hope I cam forgive myself soon and feel like I am forgiven for being not the same as others and having cptsd triggers.
And also I have really struggled with body image especially since I lost a lot of weight with illness and especially body sense and I do not believe that is something as an autistic you should be ashamed of, so hard with sensory issues.
The way society is so fixated with looking a certain way is very difficult for someone who has autism especially in terms of body size.

 

[Misery]

For my part, I'm glad you are talking about your gender issues. It is 100% you and valid, so the uncomfortable feeling you have is about you coming to terms with it, being fully comfortable with yourself. I think you are very brave to talk about it at all, here in this relatively safe space.

Thanks, I appreciate it.