What to actually say?

[Tony Ramirez]

So I actually initialized a conversation with a woman today. It was short but it was a conversation. The problem is besides talking about what we just did which was complete a yoga class and talk about yoga aftee. I have no idea what to say to continue the "small talk" questions after to continue the conversation?

That's the problem. That's what ends it while others can continue on no problem. Also I can't stop my hands especially my left one from stop shaking which is annoying when talking to a good looking woman like today.

 

[NDR2]

I have this problem, too. If someone else starts a conversation, I can contribute. But I’m not good at starting conversations myself or keeping them going.

I’d be glad to get some advice on this, too.

 

[AdamG]

That is a trouble for me too. Hard to make friends.

 

[Let's Learn Social Skills]

Maybe you could put your hands in your pocket, but keep your thumbs on the outside? This gesture indicates confidence. It could help hide your nervousness. Avoid crossing your arms across your chest. This gesture means that you don't agree with the other person, or you don't like them (unless it's cold, then it means the person feels cold).

Some common small talk topics include the weather, your current job/ school, your hobbies, and sports. Try searching "Small talk topics" on google for more examples. Try to avoid saying anything too negative, like "This weather is terrible! Rain ruins my plans.".

When making small talk, I've found it useful to ask open ended questions to the other person, based on what you are already talking about. For example, if the other person is discussing their recent camping trip, ask them "What other camping trips have you done?", once they have said enough about their current trip.

An open ended question allows the other person to give a detailed longer answer. This helps to prevents awkward silence.

Make sure you let the other person finish talking about the current topic, before shifting the conversation to another topic.

Another useful tip is to nod your head occasionally or say "mmm-hmm". This shows the other person that you are listening to them. This indicates that you enjoy talking to them.

Once you do small talk with a person a few times, you can do Medium talk! Medium talk fall into 3 categories: People you know and what they do, hobbies, and things that happen to you.



When talking to an acquaintance, stand 4-6 feet away from them, if possible. This is done to respect their personal space, since they don't know you very well. Increase the distance slightly when talking to a woman (by 1-2 feet). When you know someone well, you can stand about 4 - 1.5 feet away from them. Don't go closer than 1.5 feet, though. That would make them a bit uncomfortable.

To wrap up a conversation, turn slightly away from the person. Only by 15 degrees or so. You could also turn one foot outwards instead. These gestures indicate that you want to finish the conversation. If the other person uses these gestures, that's your sign to wrap up the conversation.

Hope this helps!

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Thanks

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

You need to steer the conversation towards having her talk about herself, like;What attracted you to yoga? Then be prepared to riff on what she answers, an easy trick is relating that to what you talked about earlier. The thing you want to do is show your interest and be appreciative of your conversation. Be sure to look her in the eyes. If her pupils are dialating or she plays with her hair you know you are on the right track. When that happens you can suggest getting somewhere for refreshment to continue listening to her. IT IS NECESSARY THAT YOU LISTEN TO HER AND NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN WANTING TO ANSWER BEFORE SHE IS FINISHED. I am not a glib person so I usually pause as I listen and respond.

I get a lot of practice with the bike club.I will talk to everybody about their interests. And there are people who now will go out of their way to talk to me and honestly are pleased to see me. Because of such I have the thought that were I bereft of my spouse I will be able to find a companion. Yesterday, Friday, was a potluck breakfast before a nice bike ride. Between my spouse and I we are getting known for tasty preparations. I made a hash brown casserole with hash browns, onions, butter, sharp cheddar and sour cream. I was hoping for leftovers, but alas, the group ate it all.

 

[paul64]

So I actually initialized a conversation with a woman today. It was short but it was a conversation. The problem is besides talking about what we just did which was complete a yoga class and talk about yoga aftee. I have no idea what to say to continue the "small talk" questions after to continue the conversation?

That's the problem. That's what ends it while others can continue on no problem. Also I can't stop my hands especially my left one from stop shaking which is annoying when talking to a good looking woman like today.

I suck at this, too, but asking questions to keep the focus on the other person sometimes works.

 

[tazz]

You know I just realised that I hardly ever initiate small talk either, I hate it - however, I still get into conversations with all sorts of people. I sat and thought about it a few minutes and realised it's often within the context of a shared goal... like when I'm volunteering on a project. If you're on a project team and attending project meetings and doing activities where you have to figure things out together, conversation kinda naturally pops up. In fact there's a whole bunch of standard questions like: Where are you from? How did you get involved with this project? Have you done this sort of thing before? And the project might involve different tasks and people's skills and interests become evident - you don't have to bring them up in conversation unnaturally. So you get to know each other just by doing the work. And it's usual for the team to e.g. go for a drink together after a hard day doing whatever the thing is. At those social gatherings, topics of conversation are introduced by the talkative ones and I get to comment on them without having to initiate anything. So we all get to know each other a little before you have to think about moving in for a one-to-one with someone you're interested in - gives you more to talk about.

Basically it occurs to me that while things like yoga classes involve a group of people, they're not group activities. Maybe the settings are making it difficult for you.

 

[MC1Rcat]

You guys are all giving great advice, which I hope to put to use some time, when the opportunity presents itself. I have the same problem making friends and initiating conversation in general, but especially when I find someone attractive. I am divorced and older now, and haven't dated in years, which makes me more awkward than last time I was available. I cannot really tell if guys are flirting with me or not. I also now have the problem of feeling a bit terrified of guys I am attracted to...like I get giddy and nauseous, clam up and have the urge to run in the other direction. So when someone tries to talk to me I probably send the wrong signals. ....I am wondering how you keep your cool and remain calm enough to talk to someone?

 

[tazz]

I am wondering how you keep your cool and remain calm enough to talk to someone?

A big heavy mask helps. Then no-one can see that I'm nauseous and giddy and I want to run in the other direction.

The fact that social interaction always makes me anxious means that talking to someone who's attractive is no more intimidating than talking to anyone else.

 

[Rodafina]

Don’t forget to listen! Anytime someone is talking to you, they are providing clues for where the conversation can go next. It can be difficult to take in everything and process it on the spot, but if you can try to pick up one or two key things that you heard them say, you can use those things for follow up questions or comments of your own.

Also, I know a lot of people claim it is difficult, but learn and remember names! Do whatever you can to remember someone’s name and use it the next time you talk to them. People really like it when you know their name, so it seems.

 

[MC1Rcat]

A big heavy mask helps. Then no-one can see that I'm nauseous and giddy and I want to run in the other direction.

The fact that social interaction always makes me anxious means that talking to someone who's attractive is no more intimidating than talking to anyone else.

LOLL.. wearing a mask does make talking to people a little easier.

You also have a really good point.. talking to anyone new makes me especially anxious. Maybe I can try to keep that in mind..and remember to breathe

 

[kenaij]

In this example if you started the conversation about the Yoga class you could ask if there are other forms of sport she likes. Are there sports she likes to watch but not do. Or any other exercise related activities like taking walks.
If she likes taking walks you could ask what a really nice place to walk is. Because you are always open to explore new locations. This could potentially make an opening to go on that walk/hike together.
It is very hard to give advice because it will depend on the situation. And in general people on the spectrum aren`t that natural in smalltalk.

 

[MNAus]

Be genuinely interested in what they say rather than seeing it as a step on the way to a goal. I'm not saying that to scold, it is genuine advice. You must want to hear their story or the conversation will be stilted. It can be a battle to get through an NT's need to present an image, but you can get some jaw droppingly good stories from people. And even before, you can get some fun things.

If you treat the situation as a test on the way to the next stage, you miss the good part. Be curious: what are their great stories.

Of course you can't just ask outright, but the mindset makes the difference.

 

[Rodafina]

Be genuinely interested in what they say rather than seeing it as a step on the way to a goal. I'm not saying that to scold, it is genuine advice. You must want to hear their story or the conversation will be stilted. It can be a battle to get through an NT's need to present an image, but you can get some jaw droppingly good stories from people. And even before, you can get some fun things.

If you treat the situation as a test on the way to the next stage, you miss the good part. Be curious: what are their great stories.

Of course you can't just ask outright, but the mindset makes the difference.

Yes! This is great advice. Live in the moment and just hear what the person has to share. Conversation can be about connecting for the briefest of moments with another human being. Not always some perfunctory step to get to the next thing. Well said, @MNAus.

 

[paloftoon]

Work with a therapist to create an outline for yourself so that you know what you can talk about when you run out of things to talk about. Try to learn about different things about her such as what kind of music does she like, food likes, other hobbies. Dig into a hobby she mentions and ask her more about it. Let her ask you about stuff if she actually does.
Maybe if you've been talking for 5 minutes, invite her to go somewhere with you, or ask her about hanging out in-person at a future time that you need to think about unless she has suggestions. Ask to trade contact information. If you aren't sure about something, it is generally good to ask. There are at least two people in a dialogue- the other person's feelings, interests, and thoughts matter too.

 

[RemyZee]

Maybe you could put your hands in your pocket, but keep your thumbs on the outside? This gesture indicates confidence. It could help hide your nervousness. Avoid crossing your arms across your chest. This gesture means that you don't agree with the other person, or you don't like them (unless it's cold, then it means the person feels cold).

Some common small talk topics include the weather, your current job/ school, your hobbies, and sports. Try searching "Small talk topics" on google for more examples. Try to avoid saying anything too negative, like "This weather is terrible! Rain ruins my plans.".

When making small talk, I've found it useful to ask open ended questions to the other person, based on what you are already talking about. For example, if the other person is discussing their recent camping trip, ask them "What other camping trips have you done?", once they have said enough about their current trip.

An open ended question allows the other person to give a detailed longer answer. This helps to prevents awkward silence.

Make sure you let the other person finish talking about the current topic, before shifting the conversation to another topic.

Another useful tip is to nod your head occasionally or say "mmm-hmm". This shows the other person that you are listening to them. This indicates that you enjoy talking to them.

Once you do small talk with a person a few times, you can do Medium talk! Medium talk fall into 3 categories: People you know and what they do, hobbies, and things that happen to you.



When talking to an acquaintance, stand 4-6 feet away from them, if possible. This is done to respect their personal space, since they don't know you very well. Increase the distance slightly when talking to a woman (by 1-2 feet). When you know someone well, you can stand about 4 - 1.5 feet away from them. Don't go closer than 1.5 feet, though. That would make them a bit uncomfortable.

To wrap up a conversation, turn slightly away from the person. Only by 15 degrees or so. You could also turn one foot outwards instead. These gestures indicate that you want to finish the conversation. If the other person uses these gestures, that's your sign to wrap up the conversation.

Hope this helps!

Work with a therapist to create an outline for yourself so that you know what you can talk about when you run out of things to talk about. Try to learn about different things about her such as what kind of music does she like, food likes, other hobbies. Dig into a hobby she mentions and ask her more about it. Let her ask you about stuff if she actually does.
Maybe if you've been talking for 5 minutes, invite her to go somewhere with you, or ask her about hanging out in-person at a future time that you need to think about unless she has suggestions. Ask to trade contact information. If you aren't sure about something, it is generally good to ask. There are at least two people in a dialogue- the other person's feelings, interests, and thoughts matter too.

 

[Kalinychta]

Do keep in mind, though, Tony, that women go to yoga classes to do yoga, not to be romantically pursued by men. So try to relax and simply enjoy chatting with different people, be they male or female. And it sounds as though you’re also getting a lot out of the yoga itself, right? You really do seem like you’re doing a lot better lately.