What Makes People Love You

[RemyZee]

As an autistic person have you ever had the feeling that in order to be wanted/accepted/loved you have to be able to do something fabulous or have some kind of overarching talent? Like in order for people to think you are valid you have to be some kind of prodigy or have a photographic memory or be a math genius who can naturally figure out the equations of the universe, or be able to recite the entire library of TS Eliot.. It's like you have to be a prodigious fencer or compose sonatas on the violin....and in order to win their approval as TRUE autistic person you can't just simply be a good person, but you have to be a good person PLUS, so they are always waiting and watching for you to show your talent, so they can verify your autism. And if by chance, you actually ARE good at something, they are like, ohhhhhhh, now I see she is autistic. But up until then, it seems they don't know you even exist.

 

[the_tortoise]

Mmm, not so much the savant or gifted thing to be seen as actually autistic, no - not for me personally.

Most people where I live associate autism with being 100% non-speaking and having severe movement disorder...

And associate being non-speaking with severe movement disorder with profound Intellectual Disability ...

And see profound ID and all of it as just bad bad bad...

But I do tend to get the sense that most people only accept disability if you have some kind of savant skill to "overcome" or "balance out" the disability - as if below average ability at x plus above average ability at y is equivalent to average ability at both x and y....

Or as if being notably different (not necessarily disabled) is only okay if you have some extremely valued highly developed skill (whether it is useful to you or others or not, sometimes -- but usually only if it is seen as useful) that makes up for your lack of normality ... like your different-ness means you are fundamentally of lower value than normal people but having whatever specific type of genius your community values can makes up for not being normal and bring your value back as seen by the majority (I think everyone has value and that all of this that I am describing in this entire post is awful nonsense) to baseline

 

[velociraptor]

As an autistic person have you ever had the feeling that in order to be wanted/accepted/loved you have to be able to do something fabulous or have some kind of overarching talent?

Nope. I used to base my self-worth on the feedback from others and it made me miserable. Now I can just be me and others can take it or leave it.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

No one outside this forum knows I’m autistic.

But I’ve always tried extra hard to be useful to others. This ended up with many tilted relationships. So now I am very careful, except with people who’ve already shown over time they are not takers.

 

[Outdated]

Like in order for people to think you are valid you have to be some kind of prodigy or have a photographic memory or be a math genius who can naturally figure out the equations of the universe, or be able to recite the entire library of TS Eliot..

What you say is partly true but, and it's a big but, I never needed validation from other people and That is why in general they all love me.

People know who I am and where I stand because I never compromise my own ideals in an attempt to appease others. I don't need their approval. They can like it or lump it as they please, it's no skin off of my nose either way.

Being well educated and well spoken and having an eidetic memory doesn't hurt but that really only counts for first impressions, when people get to know you it's who you are inside that really counts. My character, my base nature, is something people find easy to understand because I never muddy the waters by changing my mind. Even if I'm not there they know exactly what I would say and do in different situations with a very high degree of accuracy. I might be a bit strange but there's no enigma about who I am.