What Makes People Love You

[RemyZee]

As an autistic person have you ever had the feeling that in order to be wanted/accepted/loved you have to be able to do something fabulous or have some kind of overarching talent? Like in order for people to think you are valid you have to be some kind of prodigy or have a photographic memory or be a math genius who can naturally figure out the equations of the universe, or be able to recite the entire library of TS Eliot.. It's like you have to be a prodigious fencer or compose sonatas on the violin....and in order to win their approval as TRUE autistic person you can't just simply be a good person, but you have to be a good person PLUS, so they are always waiting and watching for you to show your talent, so they can verify your autism. And if by chance, you actually ARE good at something, they are like, ohhhhhhh, now I see she is autistic. But up until then, it seems they don't know you even exist.

 

[the_tortoise]

Mmm, not so much the savant or gifted thing to be seen as actually autistic, no - not for me personally.

Most people where I live associate autism with being 100% non-speaking and having severe movement disorder...

And associate being non-speaking with severe movement disorder with profound Intellectual Disability ...

And see profound ID and all of it as just bad bad bad...

But I do tend to get the sense that most people only accept disability if you have some kind of savant skill to "overcome" or "balance out" the disability - as if below average ability at x plus above average ability at y is equivalent to average ability at both x and y....

Or as if being notably different (not necessarily disabled) is only okay if you have some extremely valued highly developed skill (whether it is useful to you or others or not, sometimes -- but usually only if it is seen as useful) that makes up for your lack of normality ... like your different-ness means you are fundamentally of lower value than normal people but having whatever specific type of genius your community values can makes up for not being normal and bring your value back as seen by the majority (I think everyone has value and that all of this that I am describing in this entire post is awful nonsense) to baseline

 

[velociraptor]

As an autistic person have you ever had the feeling that in order to be wanted/accepted/loved you have to be able to do something fabulous or have some kind of overarching talent?

Nope. I used to base my self-worth on the feedback from others and it made me miserable. Now I can just be me and others can take it or leave it.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

No one outside this forum knows I’m autistic.

But I’ve always tried extra hard to be useful to others. This ended up with many tilted relationships. So now I am very careful, except with people who’ve already shown over time they are not takers.

 

[Outdated]

Like in order for people to think you are valid you have to be some kind of prodigy or have a photographic memory or be a math genius who can naturally figure out the equations of the universe, or be able to recite the entire library of TS Eliot..

What you say is partly true but, and it's a big but, I never needed validation from other people and That is why in general they all love me.

People know who I am and where I stand because I never compromise my own ideals in an attempt to appease others. I don't need their approval. They can like it or lump it as they please, it's no skin off of my nose either way.

Being well educated and well spoken and having an eidetic memory doesn't hurt but that really only counts for first impressions, when people get to know you it's who you are inside that really counts. My character, my base nature, is something people find easy to understand because I never muddy the waters by changing my mind. Even if I'm not there they know exactly what I would say and do in different situations with a very high degree of accuracy. I might be a bit strange but there's no enigma about who I am.

 

[JayCee]

me being me . wasnt always that way. but as I got alittle older .... nothing else much mattered .And if helping others was part of that, So it was .........Also .

 

[SusanLR]

No one knows about my autism except for my therapist that diagnosed me, my house companion and one psychiatrist. I didn't know anything about Asperger's or autism until I was 56 years old either.
I grew up knowing I was different to other kids in school, but I was indifferent as to how they felt about me.
It didn't matter. I was always just being me. The only time I masked was when I started working.
Most of the time I was good at masking if needed. A few times the employer saw through it and told me I was weird or something, but only a couple of times.

The only thing just being me seemed to empress was a few that could see I was into science.
That seemed to make them like me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I met my future spouse when our interests intersected and we were on a very experiential road trip where I was engaged and without any anxiety on my part (except concern for her trust, comfort, and safety). Without expectations and little interpersonal stress I could be authentic. I believe that she was attracted to me when our experiences allowed her to see me as:

• thoughtful
• conscientious
• attuned
• emotionally steady
• respectfully curious

Our relationship during this road trip and on a trail maintenance project and a short backpack led to our falling in love because it evolved into one of mutual respect, collaboration, shared comfort, safety, and trust. I felt seen by her (finally! a woman who saw and accepted me) and so safe that professing my love for her was the outcome when I understood that she desired me.

 

[Xinyta]

I get what you mean @RemyZee.

It is a fairly common insecurity. Not just with us ND folks. But the irony of this thought is that you will get more attention for this perceived talent, if your go out if your way to persue it. But at the cost of your own humanity and your own sanity. We cannot please everyone. Heck. We sometimes cannot please anyone. But that's a unfortunate part of the game of life on this planet.

I recall a number of occasions that I wished I was able to do amazing things. Maybe just be able to do school work without the struggle. Maybe people around me will like me more. Maybe my mom will like me. Or not yell at me, at least.

The truth. It's not about being better than you are. It's not about being better than, in any regard. People will like you for your character and ethics.

The ones that don't... well. They ARE the ones who only stick around because you have something that gets thier attention. Those folks are the ones to avoid.

 

[dadko20]

idk if im doing it correctly or not but i dont care if people love me or not , it exhausts me thats why

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Nope. I used to base my self-worth on the feedback from others and it made me miserable. Now I can just be me and others can take it or leave it.

I think we all have been through that. In the social world, designed to make NTs feel safe, they develop their self concept and ideas of worth by having their value reflected back to them during social interactions and appears critical during adolescence and young adulthood. I lacked that, so it was electrifying when my future spouse saw and valued me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

People will like you for your character and ethics.

So true.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

As an autistic person have you ever had the feeling that in order to be wanted/accepted/loved you have to be able to do something fabulous or have some kind of overarching talent? Like in order for people to think you are valid you have to be some kind of prodigy or have a photographic memory or be a math genius who can naturally figure out the equations of the universe, or be able to recite the entire library of TS Eliot.. It's like you have to be a prodigious fencer or compose sonatas on the violin....and in order to win their approval as TRUE autistic person you can't just simply be a good person, but you have to be a good person PLUS, so they are always waiting and watching for you to show your talent, so they can verify your autism. And if by chance, you actually ARE good at something, they are like, ohhhhhhh, now I see she is autistic. But up until then, it seems they don't know you even exist.

Yes... it is nice to be appreciated for whatever talents or gifts you might possess. However, usually that appreciation, that attractiveness translates into "what can I do for you". Analogy: My brother-in-law didn't have many friends until after he bought a 4-bedroom cottage on a big lake... and now he is entertaining people 2-3 weekends out of the year. There are people who befriend you for what you can do for them. I am a mentor and educator... people respect me for what I can do for them. Have you ever heard people say, "I know a guy or I have a guy?" in reference to that person who just knows how to do stuff? I'm that guy for a lot of people.

So, to your question... "What makes people love you?" I am not sure. I'd have to ask my wife. However, I think what it comes down to first is that you must have some love for yourself before you are capable to loving others. Second, is reciprocity... that give and take... you receive some love, you give it back. Third, random acts of kindness... without expecting anything in return. Fourth, being a source of peace, tranquility, and positivity for another person.

 

[Dagan]

I know what makes folks attracted to me, but I have no clue why anyone would love me. I'm a hard person to love, me thinks. I'm analytical to the moon and back. I'm caught up in common sense, baseline common courtesies that I expect of others. I can't stand clutter or trashiness - order and being clean, please. Whenever I am stressed out, I get worse to OCD degrees per all of what I just mentioned.

I think people's "idea" of me looks and sounds really good on the outside-looking-in, but once they get to know me and try to have a stronger relationship, they find out my boundaries, standards and what I can only handle (I must have complete trust and comfort, etc.), then that's when whomever will back off....or I am who says that I can't deal with being overwhelmed by them not respecting my guidelines, so I cut off the relationship.

I know that I have issues, but at least "lying" isn't one of them. I hate lying, and I can't stand liars. Case in point: if I ever get upset or fall into an autistic shutdown (and I really try not to, but some people suck because they push and push and push me over the edge), well, the way I react or treat whomever isn't because of some make believe, magical reasoning. I get that way because of actual things angering me, and I am therefore justified in being mad. Said people making me that way should take accountability and just apologize and/or go away.

Sorry. End rant. I'm on the wrong end of a relationship again, and it is because I called out being disrespected. Of course, I'm the bad guy, per said woman who is the type to run her mouth and post those deep thinking memes all day on social media. You know...the ones that prove said person basically can't otherwise think for themselves and post their own manufactured thoughts and feelings instead. Good times.

 

[NB79]

People notice things they are not conscious about but they notice anyway, and then
if they think there is something off about you, they can turn on you very fast, it seem some autistic people put people off even when they did nothing morally wrong, or have good skills.

 

[AprilR]

Yes i always felt i had to be smart or get good marks at school in order to be valuable. I felt like being academically smart is my only saving point. I am trying to get over this mindset now.