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What is a healthy relationship anyways?

Skittlebisquit

Skittlebisquit

Just keep trying, victory brings glory
V.I.P Member
I dont understand an online only cybersex relationship, seems foriegn and exotic. Cybersex is really fun though. Its just not a 'real' relationship to me, probably is because i am old and boring.
Are you both being honest? Are you listening? Do you believe in them?
And to me the all important " what i want in a partner" thats one sheet,typed. Its a list of traits, all positive,no listing what you dont want

I would love to hear from ppl with healthy LTR about what it is, and what it aint
 
I think healthy relationships are ones that have open communications, established boundaries, clear expectations, r e s p e c t, courtesy and trust.
 
for me emotionally supportive is to listen, try to understand somebody's perspective, validate their feelings and later offer help if needed and wanted.
 
margotk said:
for me emotionally supportive is to listen, try to understand somebody's perspective, validate their feelings and later offer help if needed and wanted.
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Suitable help. Not necessarily your idea of what would help, but what works for them. (Something NT's often miss when dealing with us, and sometimes with each other.) That part gets rather complicated sometimes.

Sometimes it also means calling people on their inappropriate behaviour, only nicely. (umm... trying to think how to quantify that) Suggesting other approaches that might work better, I guess. Or encouraging them when they engage in behaviour that is more pro-social, and/or standing up for themselves when they have a hard time doing so, or otherwise are trying to change their behaviour to something that is more ... adaptive, I suppose. (so many loaded words, my brain's just not engaged enough to use ones less so. Sorry.)

Or gently correcting them if they may be misinterpreting a situation, and reading more into it than is there. (or being ableist, or otherwise have a distorted, or societally inappropriate perception, but that's quite an advanced skill, in may ways, I think. at least IMO.)

... I'm trying to think of the many conversations I've had with mom when I'm trying to 'talk her down', or otherwise help her deal with a situation. (and yes, I know that it's weird that I, the autistic kid, am the one helping my NT mother learn better emotional coping skills and interpersonal strategies. o_O:D:cool:)
 
So i have been often told that i am shutting someone out, or being distant or something. What if i just dont have the same range of emotions as a NT person? Is that possible? Most confusing conversation of the last 6 months was the difference between thoughts feelings and emotions, im in fact still a bit unclear in this. 'Happy place' method to stop negative thought spirals was a great example. I was told to conjure a memory of this happy place and dwell in it, react to it and enhance it. I felt trapped and terrified.
I couldnt think of anything! NT persons have lots of these to pick from i guess. I could think of some things but....i felt like i was being called up in front of the class long ago, had no clue what was expected
Now i understand the exercise better, my happy thought is my little greenhouse made of upcycled materials, and growing things in little pots
 
Skittlebisquit said:
So i have been often told that i am shutting someone out, or being distant or something. What if i just dont have the same range of emotions as a NT person? Is that possible? Most confusing conversation of the last 6 months was the difference between thoughts feelings and emotions, im in fact still a bit unclear in this. 'Happy place' method to stop negative thought spirals was a great example. I was told to conjure a memory of this happy place and dwell in it, react to it and enhance it. I felt trapped and terrified.
I couldnt think of anything! NT persons have lots of these to pick from i guess. I could think of some things but....i felt like i was being called up in front of the class long ago, had no clue what was expected
Now i understand the exercise better, my happy thought is my little greenhouse made of upcycled materials, and growing things in little pots
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I know that autistics often have a more difficult time identifying their emotions, and the difference between a thought and an emotion. I think we probably have the same range or emotions, but we experience many of them at different intensities. Also, trauma can affect one's ability to experience different emotions. Can have a numbing effect just for starters. Sometimes it can feel unsafe to express emotions when we are or have been traumatized.

Delayed processing is often a huge issue for many of us on the spectrum. 'Thinking on the spot' is often difficult for many of us.

Also, our 'happy place' may be very different than it is for NT's. And sometimes harder to access or think about when we've had so many difficult experiences! For me, growing up, probably my happiest place would've been a sensory deprivation tank, if I could've found one!! (would've, metaphorically, 'killed for one' as the saying goes, actually!) I had a couple others, but I was in such a state of desperation most of the time, I couldn't have articulated what they were, or even necessarily recognized that that's what they were, because they weren't so much a 'happy place', as a place for relief and lack of demands.

Even a few years ago when asked about mine or suggested I imagine one, it took me a long time (weeks, at least, maybe months) to be able to express the one I've used reflexively for years! It's not that I didn't have one, it's just that it was such a reflexive thing, and a long lasting one, that I didn't think of it in those terms. (also a very private one that I've only recently started to learn how to express to others.)
 
Plenty of mutual interests. Plants, animals, engines, pictures of engines, phenomenology, volunteering, wit, words, arts . . .

Preferably more than one, whether that is in the same person or across several.

All my myriad "special interests" are "happy places", but half a lifetime ago I'd have been too self conscious to pin them down. They are happy enough for me on my own but I'd be particularly delighted to share them with people more.
 
We are all on a learning curve in our lives, so it's probably important to say that although it's great to aim for a healthy relationship and to define what we think that is, for most of us that's still going to be a work in progress, with glitches and setbacks at times perhaps.

Also, because we're all different, every relationship will differ according to what works best for the people concerned. For example, one person can be more confident and at ease as a communicator than the other, so they facilitate communication more, or one may be more secure in relating to others so they cope ok when the other gets upset or a bit unreasonable.

Usually there's a trade off where they are each getting enough of what they want or need from the other to make the relationship work, however much it may not look like they would fit together.
 
It's kind of one of those questions one can reply to but impossible to answer. With such difficult subjects I usually look to nature to help provide some guidence. So after considering fish, I would say a healthy relationship is one that produces hundreds of offspring, or even thousands.
 
Ok so what does it mean to validate someones feelings? Is that when you agree with someone about something they just said, even if you dont understand what it means? Is it another NT rhetoric issue like the " how are you doing?" "I am fine thank you" thing? Because i am thinking to stik with honesty as a thing on my list of what a healthy relationship is/has. That one has cost me, honesty has. I am not sure if i have ever had a healthy intimate relationship before.
 
Validate someone's feelings means letting them know it's fine for them to feel whatever they feel, I guess, the assumption behind this idea is that we don't choose our feelings, they are just what we feel, and sometimes they may be distressing, or dismissed or ignored by others.

Having said that, I would have thought that idea applies more to providing emotional support to a friend or family member than in a difficult issue between partners. We can emotionally support our partners, but not usually easily whilst in the midst of a breakdown in the relationship.

Also if I don't understand what's been said, I ask for clarification, agreeing surely isn't helpful if I don't understand what they are saying.
 
Skittlebisquit said:
Ok so what does it mean to validate someones feelings? Is that when you agree with someone about something they just said, even if you dont understand what it means? Is it another NT rhetoric issue like the " how are you doing?" "I am fine thank you" thing? Because i am thinking to stik with honesty as a thing on my list of what a healthy relationship is/has. That one has cost me, honesty has. I am not sure if i have ever had a healthy intimate relationship before.
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No, it's not. It's to acknowledge that the feelings the other person has are valid, are real. To not deny them or say they shouldn't have them. You don't need to have necessarily have the same feelings or experiences, but you can acknowledge that the other person has a right to their feelings. There is a lot of validating going on on this site.

For that matter, a lot of the same things that make non-romantic relationships work are important or even necessary for romantic relationships. (what I assume you mean by the word 'intimate'.).

And my brain is flaking out, maybe related to the massive back spasm I've been having for the last hour. sorry, that's all I've got for now.
 
Thinx said:
Validate someone's feelings means letting them know it's fine for them to feel whatever they feel, I guess, the assumption behind this idea is that we don't choose our feelings, they are just what we feel, and sometimes they may be distressing, or dismissed or ignored by others.

Having said that, I would have thought that idea applies more to providing emotional support to a friend or family member than in a difficult issue between partners. We can emotionally support our partners, but not usually easily whilst in the midst of a breakdown in the relationship.

Also if I don't understand what's been said, I ask for clarification, agreeing surely isn't helpful if I don't understand what they are saying.
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For me personally asking for clarification doesn't negate validating. I am acknowledging my partner feels a certain way and that is his perspective but it does not mean that I can't ask what it means for us as partners or that my feelings and perspective about the situation can be different.
 
WolfSpirit said:
acknowledge that the feelings the other person has are valid, are real. To not deny them or say they shouldn't have them. You don't need to have necessarily have the same feelings or experiences, but you can acknowledge that the other person has a right to
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So this is a trust issue then?! In validating someones feelings i agree that this is not a ruse or a trick of some kind, i am accepting that the person is being honest or has a right to feel the way they do?
I feel like mr spock at grade school. I have physical troubles too, hope you feel better, @WolfSpirit maybe a hot bath,?
 
Skittlebisquit said:
So this is a trust issue then?! In validating someones feelings i agree that this is not a ruse or a trick of some kind, i am accepting that the person is being honest or has a right to feel the way they do?
I feel like mr spock at grade school. I have physical troubles too, hope you feel better, @WolfSpirit maybe a hot bath,?
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I guess it works both ways - you trust that they are not deceitful and being honest about their feelings and they are trusting you with their vulnerability and that you will not ridicule or dismiss how they feel. If that makes sense (English is not my mother tongue, I neglected to mention that before).
 
Wow this is pretty abstract stuf for a non native speaker! You are remarkably well spoken!
It makes good sense yes. If i am demeaning or derrogatory towards the other that is not validating. I keep trying to grasp something about past abuse,protecting myself and i almost get it, but it slips away. Its ez for NT to manipulate me, if they know i am on the spectrum. I am getting confused again. I feel like this topic is hard to understand, thank you for your patience
 
Skittlebisquit said:
Wow this is pretty abstract stuf for a non native speaker! You are remarkably well spoken!
It makes good sense yes. If i am demeaning or derrogatory towards the other that is not validating. I keep trying to grasp something about past abuse,protecting myself and i almost get it, but it slips away. Its ez for NT to manipulate me, if they know i am on the spectrum. I am getting confused again. I feel like this topic is hard to understand, thank you for your patience
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Thank you for your kind words:). Sometimes even a comment like: you are overreacting or you are too sensitive can be invalidating for some people. I totally agree it is sometimes hard to navigate this, especially when you dealt with abuse and manipulation in the past. I think overall your previous comment about trust being at the core of validation was spot on: both people need to trust that the other one won't intentionally hurt them and at least try to understand and see them. I am sorry that you experienced manipulation, it can be really soul crushing. And you and other people were and are very patient with me:). It is almost 1:30 am here, so I will come back to this thread tomorrow.Nite:)
 
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