Urge to change

[overthehills]

Ok i talked about change on the 1 sentence thought of day thread, didn't want to hijack it so started my own to continue it.

For a long time now I have had this urge to run away, had this urge to sell everything and fly away into the sunset, and never look back. It's not that easy to do as I got others who depend on me, my fiancée and my daughter. Oh and my dog.

I have a job which I had to change but stay with same company on medical grounds. I earn nearly 27k a year which is hard to get in UK with no qualifications (except school exams). I no longer enjoy my job due to incidents that have happened to me, but I feel trapped as my money is only money coming into the house and I can't earn what I get anywhere else. Even on 27k I have to budget each month, this doesn't feel like life it feels like a prison sentence.

My childhood was bad and I moved over the hills from my hometown and disconnected from my family (no contact) but I have this urge to ring them/ visit them. I know its not worth it and that it will only hurt me more and that's probably why I have this urge to run away, to move further away, I would even move abroad but my fiancee is close to her family and I know over the hills is far enough for her.

Now the next option is to split up and go our separate ways. That change would be a disaster especially for my daughter, I told myself that what I went through as a child, my own cannot. I have a special bond with my fiancée too, they are not the problem directly, its all the situations I face is the issue.

I really don't know how to get out of this hole, I am digging deeper and deeper.

 

[Ylva]

Look at it this way. At least you don't have it as bad as the de facto aspie in this article:
http://www.gq.com/story/the-last-true-hermit?src=longreads

 

[overthehills]

Look at it this way. At least you don't have it as bad as the de facto aspie in this article:
http://www.gq.com/story/the-last-true-hermit?src=longreads

Strangely I have that article saved on my pocket app to read later, its something I have thought about, I think I could adapt 'off grid' learn and develop skills, his life doesn't sound that bad to me.

 

[Beverly]

I know the feeling, I've reinvented myself a couple of times. Never dropped everything though, always kept my career but, that's because it is my passion and number one obsession so, that was always an easy choice to keep it and dump everything else.

Doing it again now, but once again, my career is the heart of it all, just dumped the hubby and some other personal baggage (people I don't need in my life because they were dragging me down or, holding me back.) Remodeled and added onto my home, incorporated my own business and, am laying the groundwork for an ASD non profit. So yeah, major reinvention again but, all for the better.

My feeling is that if my hubby, or partner at the time really cared enough about my well being, they would have supported me and, we could have worked out a compromise that would work for both of us. That prove impossible twice in my life so, the partner had to go.

I know that is one of the most difficult calls to make in life, it's a no win, you both, and possibly other involved as well, are going to be hurting no matter what you do, it's a matter of choosing the path of the least damage for everyone involved and accepting what unavoidable damage will be done. Not easy to do but, communication with your partner is key in figuring it out.

If they need to get a job or other means of supporting themselves because you decided to split, work something out to allow them time to do that. If you both agree that some space might clear your heads, maybe a trail separation is in order. I know it's a mess to sort but, I can't tell you what to do except talk to her, see if there is a solution that won't totally destroy anyone involved.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

i have sympathy for your situation, i as a student am going to leave uni with massive debt and find a poor job market, i have never seen the point in the so called American dream (semi detached house in the suburbs, a car etc.) to me it just seems that going for it though normal is just a big trap, you have to work hard to support yourself, while living in a way that doesn't make you happy and leads to fairly mindless consumerism. in the future i plan to live in a mobile tiny house http://www.tinyhouseuk.co.uk/
as its more economical (if a really nice, high end one of these costs £20,000, that's likely less than 10% the cost of a average house and a mortgage, they are also cheaper to run and heat etc.) more environmentally friendly (less resources used etc.) and releases pressure on the housing market for others. i don't want or need a lot of space, having a small house like this prevents you from accumulating lots of pointless stuff and encourages a healthier outdoors lifestyle, they can be off grid (away from public utilities) allowing you to be closer to nature, they are mobile so you can move for work and for travel. in literally everyway they seem ideal for me. i understand it would not be for everyone but for me that is how i plan to avoid the trap you unfortunately have fallen in, hope all goes well and that you manage.

 

[Crossbreed]

Back in the day, those were called trailer homes...

 

[overthehills]

Thank you for your opinions.

Beverley - sorry if getting too personal but when you dumped everything except career, did you have children? Reason I ask is I understand your childhood experience was bad, like mine, and dumping everything is so much harder to consider when I have my own child.

Mr Lees - I have a lot of interest in small scale property and find it fascinating how using design, how much you can fit into a small space. The main issue with small scale off the grid property is all the legal side of it, the land its on etc.

The TRAP - I can agree with you with falling into the trap. The past 12 months a lot has changed career wise. Firstly I became officially disabled and the disability act came into play to decide on me becoming permanently medically restricted. I was involved in a few incidents at work (suicides, assaults + other serious incidents), coupled with my HFA/AS with advice from my therapist and various other management level, I was placed into an office, away from the trauma I have suffered. Now working Monday - Friday 0630-1330 may sound amazing but stuck in an office shuffling paperwork does not suit me. I get no enjoyment from it and when I was out and about, I felt some freedom even though at work. I know the key is not been stuck in an office everyday as the office becomes a prison cell.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

children do make things harder and i sympathise, the legal things are an issue, there are camps where you can park your tiny house and if you can find someone to let you back gardens etc. that's what most tiny house owners do, or of course use land they own. hope work goes ok, sometimes work is just work and you have to get on with it, it is not always going to be enjoyable, try and find things enjoyable in it.

 

[overthehills]

Your right, here I have been focusing on all the negatives, all the changes that have happened at work. I need to focus on the positives that I have, finishing at dinner everyday, having every weekend off, decent wage and benefits for me. Yep a different frame of mind. Not been on this group for long but you guys/girls are just what I need, people I can open up to and let out my demons in my head.

I need to enjoy my life more away from work, focus on what I enjoy which I haven't done for a long time. I am lucky I live in a beautiful area, I love been outdoors, have an interest in photography and architecture. Focusing on what I enjoy more will benefit my fiancée and my daughter as they will see a more positive me.

Sometimes I can be out with the dog and feel really low and have no one to speak to, groups like this are so much more valuable, thank you with all my heart. Lot of work and effort to put in, and need to change my mindset from negative to positive, let the journey begin.

 

[overthehills]

Your plans for property should be pushed by the government in my opinion, there is a lot of scope with what can be done.

I like the shipping container builds, very solid strong structures with straight sides, great for design ideas. Have designed my own house with shipping containers. I'd love to build my own house 1 day.

 

[Beverly]

Beverley - sorry if getting too personal but when you dumped everything except career, did you have children? Reason I ask is I understand your childhood experience was bad, like mine, and dumping everything is so much harder to consider when I have my own child.

Yes, I had my daughter. She just turned 24 last month and, is a lawyer now. The first time she was not in school yet so, I took her on tour with me, she lived in busses and hotel rooms same as I did when we were on tour and, in a shared flat (apartment) with two of my bandmates on hiatus, same as me.

By the second time I did that she was in junior high so, she stayed with relatives for school anyway. I had the money to buy a new home as soon as I got off tour that year so, I did and she came there for my hiatus months.

This time I kept my home and gave the hubby the boot. Mutual agreement to split and, I did own the home before we married so, he didn't argue over that and, of course it really doesn't affect my now adult daughter much other than she wants to use her vacation time to join me for two weeks on tour.

I knew it wouldn't be easy on my daughter having a single mom who was a touring musician but, it would have been worse on her having a miserable, depressed mom that hated her whole situation. She was better off with a happy, working single mom than a miserable mom and a barely there father figure.

By the time she started school, I was able to give her the choice between tow relatives to live with for the school year so, she was happy that she got to choose for herself. Of course I sent money to provide for her and, giver her a decent allowance through her growing up years and, we did talk or video chat everyday. When I was close enough, I'd fly her over to spend a weekend with the band and me. I was there for her as much as I cold be without sacrificing my career.

She hated it sometimes growing up but, the older she got, the more she understood why Mom did what she did. She gets it now and turned out a happy, well adjusted, successful young woman.