Understanding Internship communication issues

[Judge]

Realistically these are just some of the many negative social dynamics the OP may face working in an office setting. Where you might make friends, enemies or allies by chance or by choice. Working in a competitive environment where you likely don't want to turn your back on anyone.

Regardless of the people you work with, there is one constant that employees can't really ignore. That despite an employer's claim that everyone is working towards a common goal of prosperity, on a day-to-day basis you're really competing with other workers to either retain your status or advance it. That never changes.

Considerations that might be diminished in whole or in part with jobs where you routinely work independently of others. Ironic to recall that the one office job where I did not encounter any such problems or people was when I worked as an independent contractor. Where technically I wasn't an employee, and I worked in a separate capacity (website designer) that no other employees were directly involved in. I wasn't perceived as a threat to anyone. Though I think it helped that in looking back perhaps half the people I worked with in software development may have been on the spectrum as well, whether they knew it or not.

For what it's worth, the first time I ever ran into this was the same as you. In college, where I had to interact with a group to formally arrive at a consensus about policy development. And it wasn't until after the assignment came to an end that our professor informed us that the lesson wasn't so much about the policy we agreed to as being able to learn how to negotiate and cooperate towards a common goal. Particularly for those of us intent on holding government positions. I also remember how one person in our group, a much older student seemed very unhappy with me. It didn't sit well with me either.

 

[GadAbout]

My concerns are not being listened to. I do not feel an integral part of the Internship group or listened to.

Sorry to point this out, but I am now tired of listening to you, myself. Just being honest. You are coming off as a chronic complainer and you will "yes, but" every suggestion offered.

 

[Frostee]

Sorry to point this out, but I am now tired of listening to you, myself. Just being honest. You are coming off as a chronic complainer and you will "yes, but" every suggestion offered.

You’re not a kind person. Bye

 

[Frostee]

Realistically these are just some of the many negative social dynamics the OP may face working in an office setting. Where you might make friends, enemies or allies by chance or by choice. Working in a competitive environment where you likely don't want to turn your back on anyone.

Regardless of the people you work with, there is one constant that employees can't really ignore. That despite an employer's claim that everyone is working towards a common goal of prosperity, on a day-to-day basis you're really competing with other workers to either retain your status or advance it. That never changes.

Considerations that might be diminished in whole or in part with jobs where you routinely work independently of others. Ironic to recall that the one office job where I did not encounter any such problems or people was when I worked as an independent contractor. Where technically I wasn't an employee, and I worked in a separate capacity (website designer) that no other employees were directly involved in. I wasn't perceived as a threat to anyone. Though I think it helped that in looking back perhaps half the people I worked with in software development may have been on the spectrum as well, whether they knew it or not.

For what it's worth, the first time I ever ran into this was the same as you. In college, where I had to interact with a group to formally arrive at a consensus about policy development. And it wasn't until after the assignment came to an end that our professor informed us that the lesson wasn't so much about the policy we agreed to as being able to learn how to negotiate and cooperate towards a common goal. Particularly for those of us intent on holding government positions. I also remember how one person in our group, a much older student seemed very unhappy with me. It didn't sit well with me either.

Thank you. GadAbout is sick of me complaining about this.

You say we need to learn to communicate? Don’t these two then need to learn also? Or is it our responsibility to deal with their loud and brash behaviour?

I am a sensitive person (I don’t know if you are), so this is really affecting me, because I cannot resolve it.My personality is such that I don’t want to be confrontational with these colleagues.

But I feel that this is the only way to sort this out.

I use this forum as a way of venting and dealing with my Aspergers related issues. To come on here and be lashed out at is horrible.

I have no one else to talk to. No one else can relate to me and my problems. I now feel uncomfortable and put off posting on here.

I am sorry that you have had a similar problem. It is difficult to know how to handle this, with our personality type.

Sorry.

 

[Fino]

Have you ever before encountered behavior like what you're finding in this group? Or is this a new experience? It sounds like you've dealt with primarily kind people and/or highly involved adults throughout your life and now this ordeal is in stark contrast to that. Unfortunately, it may be helpful to expect more of this sort of behavior in the future, at least behavior of this nature, if not much of its specifics.

 

[Frostee]

I’ve obviously met many rude people but not on this level before, no. I primarily meet people who are reasonable with their behaviour and expectations.

Additionally, usually staff/higher ups control behaviour whereas in this case the manager allows or enables their behaviours.

I don’t know how to handle people who are straight up rude and inappropriate.

That is definitely an issue of mines.

 

[Fino]

I’ve obviously met many rude people but not on this level before, no. I primarily meet people who are reasonable with their behaviour and expectations.

That's awesome! You should spend the rest of your life periodically being grateful for that!

 

[Judge]

You say we need to learn to communicate? Don’t these two then need to learn also? Or is it our responsibility to deal with their loud and brash behaviour?

Both I suppose. I would agree that in such a scenario it's essential that everyone understands such a lesson to enhance their communication skills. However in such group situation there's also no way to predict the maturity (or lack thereof) of the people you are are being asked to collectively arrive at a consensus with.

Where it also tests one's patience and ability to be diplomatic yet assertive with others when the need arrives. At least in college being more assertive doesn't have the same risks and costs as it might when one is on the job. In as much as we'd like people like this to figure out the decorum and protocol enough to be more civil, sometimes you do indeed have to directly confront them.

 

[Fino]

I had to watch this for school! It reminded me of this thread!

 

[Frostee]

Hi, I would like to talk about this issue again, as it is annoying me (feeling hurt).

The Internship for me was over a few weeks ago, but I have an event to attend as part of the Internship, and so communication has opened up again, over Messenger.

If I could just explain the Messenger dynamics below:

- Autistic Girl (new taking over) talks a lot.
- Three 'colleagues' don't participate at all, aside from a few messages.
- Three other colleagues (all female) who I would describe as dominate, participate to a high degree.

Now, two of these dominant colleagues constantly ignore me. When I enter a conversation that they are in, they stop talking/go quiet, or talk over me. They never acknowledge me. Infact, I've only talked to one of these two colleagues, once off my own back - not once has she reached out to me, either face to face or via email. Not once.

With the group, i've noticed lately that the group will be in a deep conversation, and when I enter they all stop talking. I don't know why this is. Part of me wonders if they were talking behind my back?

I haven't tried to engage with these two females directly, BUT their behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable. It's a sort of Passive Aggressive dislike/silence and that get's me. It get's me because they're not giving me a chance to be myself/accept me and they're not opening up to me - for no reason. I DO NOT like Animosity!

I am at my wits end with this. I haven't done anything to justify this. It is upsetting that I seem to cause such an issue with communication despite living my life as I normally do. I don't feel that i'm doing anything wrong yet these people are ignoring me. This is such an issue for me with this condition, that I face constantly because NT's seem to misinterpret my behaviour. Communication always seems to turn into an issue.

My mother says that the communication issues are down to the fact that the group is primarily composed females. I feel that the reason is potentially down to jealously and because I am not English as I have noticed in a number of other groups, that English people don't open up to 'Foreigners'. Something that I find a little odd.

I can't see any other reason as to why they'd not want to acknowledge me, given that they don't know me.

NB: I will say that the manager stated (at my final meeting) that they said that I didn't talk to them enough during the Internship. So, why then the lack of communication with me, and the going silent? I feel like this is just their way of providing a reason as to why they don't talk to me. I don't think they want to communicate with in reality. It's ultimately upsetting that they turned that lack of communication around on me.

Surely he should've made adjustments for this given my Aspergers and associated social issues, rather than blaming me? no? Or at least be aware of it?

_____________________

Another odd thing is that the manager is communicating with me/us via messenger through one of the colleagues. I would prefer him to answer my emails/email me, as I do not trust these colleagues. It is concerning me that he is doing this rather than emailing us directly, as it is sort of feels that he doesn't have much of a care towards this communication. I also do not want anything getting lost in translation.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

English people don't open up to 'Foreigners'

As an English person who works with both other English people and lots of 'foreigners' I think this is bull.

They probably just don't like you. This is something you are going to have to get used to, because it's going to keep happening. Even the most personable, socially adept people encounter people who don't like them, it just part of life. Social inept people will inevitably encounter a whole lot of people who don't like them.

You can't control them or their behavior, so really no point worrying about it. Concentrate on what you can control. i.e. you response to their behavior, how you react to it emotionally and how you deal with these sorts of situation going forward. If you don't like being disliked then work on your social skills and stop trying to blame other people or uncontrollable factors such as you being 'foreign' (I don't actually think that many English people even consider Irish to be foreign).

 

[Frostee]

I didn’t do anything for them to dislike me though. The two dominant coworkers just ignore me/talk over me. They never reach out to me.

If you were to look at my group chat, you’d see them changing the conversation topic every-time I spoke. They’d just did this evening in fact.

There is no one for them to dislike me. They do not know me.

 

[Fino]

Surely he should've made adjustments for this given my Aspergers and associated social issues, rather than blaming me? no? Or at least be aware of it?

I think it'd be safer to go through life under the assumption that you will not be accommodated in ways like this, this expectation where you'd like the other person to understand your condition, think of you proactively, and then do something about it. You can try to have it happen and be happy when it does happen, but it might be better to always operate under the belief that you will not be accommodated.

Also, people can dislike people without really knowing them. Humans are judgmental, and quickly.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I didn’t do anything for them to dislike me though. The two dominant coworkers just ignore me/talk over me. They never reach out to me.

If you were to look at my group chat, you’d see them changing the conversation topic every-time I spoke. They’d just did this evening in fact.

There is no one for them to dislike me. They do not know me.

They don't need to know you to dislike you. A lot of the time dislike is not based on any concrete thing, it's just a nebulous unfounded annoyance or snap judgement based on 5 minutes interaction. It could be your body language, you tone of voice, your facial expressions, but considering that you've been coworkers with these people for a while they could have thousands of reasons to dislike you.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I think it'd be safer to go through life under the assumption that you will not be accommodated in ways like this, this expectation where you'd like the other person to understand your condition, think of you proactively, and then do something about it.

Quoting just for emphasis. If you go through life expecting this sort of focused, proactive, insightful accommodations you will be endlessly disappointed.

 

[Frostee]

This is an Internship posed for disabled students to improve our education though.

What annoyed me was that he threw that on me, and did not ask for my opinion on the matter despite knowing that I have Aspergers. He also knew that these two gals talk nonstop during the meetings not letting anyone else talk.

 

[Frostee]

The Internship ended for good today. I had to come over to London for a Conference.

What happened? Sigh...

- Three “colleagues” and I attended.
- Upon going into the Conference, I was greeted by one of the colleagues. I sat beside her, smiled and said hello.
- We then went out for break... to which she met the above autistic gal. They then greeted each other.. I attempted to greet the Autistic gal and was ignored. They had a conversation whilst I stood there, ignored. I then left, feeling humiliated.
- As I was walking out I was greeted by another colleague. (She has been really friendly to me throughout the Internship so I have nothing against her. )
- As the event was ending I had a conversation with my manager, I then said goodbye, and smiled to these three colleagues. Only one acknowledged me, the other two ignored me.
- At the end, a faculty member, came over and talked to these three gals, ignoring me and not including me in the conversation. My manager tried to include me, but failed. I don’t know why this woman did this, but it was hurtful.

Now. Sorry for writing such a list. But I do feel that this sort of thing happens to me quite often, at social events.

I don’t know, once again if it’s down to my nationality.

But I felt slighted and “excluded” leaving this event. What I found strange, was the gal talking so freely to me initially and then ditching me and ignoring me when the rest came along. It was like she was using me to keep herself socially occupied until they came along, and then sort of dumped me once they arrived.

I was hurt that the Autistic gal decided to ignore me. I don’t and didn’t know why she choose to do so, as she has NEVER met me.

Near the end, I just felt like a tag along. It was both embarrassing and hurtful that they decided to treat me in this way.

I have no idea what went wrong, or what I could’ve done. I’m merely behaving how I normally behave.

 

[Progster]

I don’t know, once again if it’s down to my nationality.

No, it's not to do with your nationality. It's to do with having ASD. Being ignored, "just tagging along" is a common theme among autistic people. Everyone has had this experience of being ignored or left out. One of the listed ASD traits is 'not knowing how to initiate, join in or continue conversations.' This is what is meant.

This is what happens to me too, when I go to social events or join a group. It never works. Not knowing I have Asperger's, I used to be very bitter and upset by this, not understanding why I was different and why my experience was so different from that of everyone else. Now I know. Asperger's.

 

[Frostee]

No, it's not to do with your nationality. It's to do with having ASD. Being ignored, "just tagging along" is a common theme among autistic people. Everyone has had this experience of being ignored or left out. One of the listed ASD traits is 'not knowing how to initiate, join in or continue conversations.' This is what is meant.

This is what happens to me too, when I go to social events or join a group. It never works. Not knowing I have Asperger's, I used to be very bitter and upset by this, not understanding why I was different and why my experience was so different from that of everyone else. Now I know. Asperger's.

Nah. They excluded me from the conversation and the group discussion. There was a reason for that.

The Autistic gal completely blanking and ignoring me made matters worse also.

Considering this was a disabled internship I would’ve expected more of an understanding in the group discussions.

And you say Aspergers? Ok? So? What have I done? What did I do to deserve being excluded from the conversation? What did I do to deserve being ignored when I said hello?

Surely you aren’t suggesting that I am to blame for that?

 

[Progster]

There was a reason for that

Yes. Aspergers. It's a reason/explanation, not an accusation.

The Autistic gal completely blanking and ignoring me made matters worse also.

She is also autistic, so has 'blind spots' as far as her communication is concerned.

What have I done? What did I do to deserve being excluded from the conversation? What did I do to deserve being ignored when I said hello?

Nothing. It's not about whether you deserve something or not, whether it's fair or not, or your fault. It's not about blame. It's just the way things are and you have to deal with it, find coping mechanisms.

Surely you aren’t suggesting that I am to blame for that?

I did not say that. I'm just saying how things are, for me and for you and for countless others who have ASD.