Trying to handle an obsession with relationships

[peixe200]

Hello. Just for introduction, I'm male, 18 years old, and I'm still finishing high school. Last months, I've been dealing with a serious problem. I'm obsessed with trying to get a girlfriend.
It all started when I discovered that my last crush entered in a serious relationship with another man before I could get the courage to talk to her about my feelings. Since then, I can't stop thinking at how I suffer for not having a relationship, and I'm desperate to get one. The problem is that I never had any kind of relationship that went beyond the territory of unrequited love, I'm terrible at handling rejection, and to make matters worse, I have a very strong emotional neediness. Because of that, I'm often feeling anguished and depressed. I've been developing feelings for some of my female friends, and deeply suffering because of it. I've had to cut relations with some of them more than once.
I believe that this obsession is a clear proof that I'm still not ready to have a relationship, and I have no problem with that. I just want to get rid of it so I can get back to taking care of my life. What should I do?

 

[AutisticallyInclined]

ok so if I have this straight, which I totally might not, considering how tired I am- you are "obsessed" with getting a girlfriend because you know that your missing out. so like your lonely with maybe a scoop of horny on the side.

I think what you need to do is realize that until you get your **** together- it's impossible for you to have a good and healthy relationship. Because if you are like really emotionally needy- trust me things just won't work. like feasibly- it's impossible.

My best advice to you is this. If you want to be loved then love. Some famous ancient Greek dude once said that. And it's true. Don't love some one in a I NEED you and I want you to love my kind of way because that is not true love. I mean I'm not saying that can't develop into altruism but . . . to really love, you got to be able to do things for the other person and not focus just on your end. focus entirely on them and then, you learn to love yourself too.

Al I knw is that love will save the day.

 

[Ereth]

You need to find something you like about your life as it is now, because romantic attachments constitute only one part of life and you almost certainly won't be experiencing them the entire time. I'm very glad you recognize this is an obsession---that's the first step towards breaking free.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Remember that relationships begun in highschool usually end when the two people go to college.
It's not easy to give advice on handling an obsession. Those things are powerful!
However, the fact that you realize that this obsession is too much, is good.
The only thing I can suggest is to try to think about something else. Try to find some good thing, a hobby, or schoolwork, or some other interest to focus on.
Someone who craves excessive chocolate cake is not going to find that avoiding all food and having an empty stomach makes it easier to avoid excessive thoughts about cake. No, they should fill their stomach with other stiff. Likewise, you can try to fill your mind with other things.

 

[peixe200]

Alright. First of all, thank you all for the support. I didn't think I would be answered so quickly. I have to say that I'm really, really trying to stop thinking about relationships, with mixed results. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I read, or try to focus on my studies, or just surf the internet viciously, but none of these things are entertaining enough to make me stop thinking about relationships. And when I stop doing them, I just return to being sad for not having a girlfriend. No matter what I do, there is always a little voice in my mind telling me "I suck because I don't have a girlfriend", and the more I try to ignore it, the stronger it gets. Maybe this is happening because I'm not socializing with my friends as much as before, but this sadness is leaving me less and less excited to do it. That's another problem.

 

[AutisticallyInclined]

So, basically what I'm hearing when you say "I suck because I don't have a girlfriend" is "I'm sad because no girl (or at least no girl I like) likes me and I worry none ever will." The last bit I added because I, having been depressed myself, am convinced depression, or, at least, situational depression, always has an element of hopelessness to it that persists and grows if not countered and the reason I'm worried this might cause you to fall into depression is that hopelessness or feeling out of control + isolation, is a road to it and I fear your already starting to show some signs, such as lethargy + not wanting to hang out with friends.
So now that these symptoms that lead to depression are recognized you gotta combat them with all you got because Depression my friend is nothing more than a huge, un-enjoyable, life-threatening waste. of. time.
I think what you have to realize is that you lacking a girlfriend represents. Aside with all the sexist societal pressures I'm sure you face, to me I suspect it is more of a symbolic fear of not being able to keep up with your peers and that you are missing out on an enjoyable part of life, and, like I said before about the hopelessness thing, that you probably fear or worry you might never be able to conquer the challenges involved in attaining one, not to mention the whole question of am I loveable.

So I would advice you do the smart thing and realize that first of all "Hey society, you can shut your pie hole and stop telling me that to be a successful teenager I MUST have had puppy love." Just chill. Know that there is no point in being in a relationship with out mutual interest. If you haven't found that yet then, all that means is you haven't found the right girl (or boy?) yet. Now, there are always personal issues that you can work on to make yourself a more appealing romantic candidate but that's separate and also should be done for YOU by you and not anyone else. It's also true that entering a relationship requires a certain amount of risk so you have to be able to over come that fear of rejection that many Aspies harbor and say it even if it feels like the right time. Trust me here, that regret- is a slow and silent killer and that life is not meant to be a spectator sport.
Also, you need to like, love yourself but what I was trying to explain before is that the best way to learn to do this, is not by taking but start giving to your family. Make it your business to make people happy and it takes you outside yourself. Everybody wins.
Also, to combat depression, focus on the ways to improve yourself, the things you can control AND, might I add, that acting generously to your family members etc. falls in to that category.

 

[CupcakeQueen]

its good that you recognize that u arent ready for a relationship...im sure it was hard to cut off female friends. why dont u try making/hanging out with male friends more often than female friends. i think too much female companionship tempts u to start thinking of relationships again. id say concentrate on your studies and hobbies and invest your social time in male friendships or ones with girls u arent attracted to.

from reading other posts it looks like you've already tried the ideas from above....u might consider seeing a psychologist or counselor about the obsession?

 

[arnoldmcguire335]

Hello. Just for introduction, I'm male, 18 years old, and I'm still finishing high school. Last months, I've been dealing with a serious problem. I'm obsessed with trying to get a girlfriend.
It all started when I discovered that my last crush entered in a serious relationship with another man before I could get the courage to talk to her about my feelings. Since then, I can't stop thinking at how I suffer for not having a relationship, and I'm desperate to get one. The problem is that I never had any kind of relationship that went beyond the territory of unrequited love, I'm terrible at handling rejection, and to make matters worse, I have a very strong emotional neediness. Because of that, I'm often feeling anguished and depressed. I've been developing feelings for some of my female friends, and deeply suffering because of it. I've had to cut relations with some of them more than once.

I had that same problem too, minus cutting relations with my female friends, but it came with a price for me- I felt like my enthusiasm and motivation is slowly getting drained out of me because of a lack of someone to love. So far I failed to have a girlfriend out of 2 aspies I met, and up to this day I haven't gotten over their loss (1 betrayed me, shut me out of her life and called the cops when I was trying to fix our friendship, the other just grew tired of me for being dependent on her when i have no one to talk to), and up till now, it hurts me when their names are mentioned.

I just hope I don't end up like Theodore from the movie "Her" where he falls in love with his OS. That thought would kill me.

 

[peixe200]

I felt like my enthusiasm and motivation is slowly getting drained out of me because of a lack of someone to love.

That's exactly how I'm feeling.
I'm very sorry about your failed relationships. Nobody deserves this kind of suffering.

 

[peixe200]

Well, since it passed so much time, I would like to thank you all for the help. It's been a few weeks since I finally got over my depression. I started to take care of myself, focus less on the computer and more on my studies, have more physical contact with some people I like and spend more time with my friends and family. I still feel sad for not being in a relationship sometimes, but now I have enough willpower to stop thinking about that and going back to work. Well, at least most of the time.

 

[brother daniel]

Stay strong, comrade.

I had feelings once for another girl at my church, but she didn't return my affections, most likely due to the fact that I'm overweight. I had to transfer to another church since everytime I would see her, I would immediately start crying and praying. She got married last year, to some man. I felt like Popeye watching Bluto marry Olive Oyl. My friends, however, helped me get through it. Right now I am trying LDSSingles.com and it is working out great!

 

[Juju92]

hey! omg when i readed your post i totally saw myself on it. since i had my first boyfriend (and we broke up) i feel very sorry for myself that i dont have a relashionship. i cannot watch romantic movies or see other people showing their affection in public. when i am outside i am always paying attention to the boys and cant concentrate. its also difficult for me to get over. it seems like he made a hole in my life. what i am doing now its still trying to find an answer (how to deal with that) and be well with myself to finally find someone else. wish good luck for us!

 

[DonRojo]

I was to your title. And noticed answers where very negative. (possible useful though). I got it REALLY bad.....and I only got solved at 36. So don't get your hopes up. I had it fixed earlier, but it took that long to figure out what was going on.

So imagine I could talk to myself your me. I would say......A...you don't talk the same language as the girls around you. Both way. They speak in a language I didn't pick up, and I spoke in a language they didn't pick up.
B....don't lose the rest of your life over this question. Yes, I was right. If you don't get it fixed I was going to crash and burn over and over again, with bad results for the other things in my life. But...since it took so long to solve...well....I might have tried to work on other things a bit more as well . Because there is a later. And being good at something else, would have helped me solve the original question without so much setbacks. I can tell you I found a dating guru that really managed to clear things up. (unlike most others).

But on the other hand, think of the song change from Lisa Stanfield. I don't know if an other reality would have been better.

Oh yeah.....and most people that you ask for advice...don't have a clue. They talk about there self, or worse, try to read your emotions. Well reading my emotions is not going to be possible, being an Aspie . (Whatever the right term is here). In effect, they where asking what I thought of it....and I didn't have a clue. So .....obviously they gave a pretty useless answer .

But I can tell you that internet was the first breakthrough for me. Focusing on words, not body language...made it easier on someway.

Uh nobody else found out what the problem was an I can play that song change at full volume now. (I won't, it is night here ).

 

[buckyboy14]

I have the same problem. I'm 19 and have never had a date, and ever since I entered college this year, my depression has increased tenfold. I see people in relationships everywhere I look in the school. They're talking, kissing, holding hands, groping...I can't take it anymore. How can I even find a girlfriend if seemingly every single person is taken?! What the hell am I supposed to do? I'm sick of hearing "Just be nice to girls and smile at them." Yeah, I've been doing that for the last 10 years or so, and it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've had a few FRIENDS that were girls, but I've never gotten beyond that. My Asperger's/OCD co-morbid diagnosis makes me unable to let this go...whenever I see somebody with a girlfriend, I just want to punch him...

 

[Judge]

I've had a few FRIENDS that were girls, but I've never gotten beyond that.

Perhaps that's where your most potential exists. In continuing to develop friendships which *might* evolve into something more in time. Dating? I never dated. But I made unique friendships...a precious few of which blossomed into love.

All isn't lost if you still have the capability of making friends. Let patience guide you.

 

[Spiller]

In my own experience of going for the first girl that deigned to show an interest, when I was 22, we got married and it didn't end well at all for me. Hard as it seems, try to be patient and be choosy, even if you're thinking that it's your only chance.. we may not have as much opportunity as everyone else but, as long as we put ourselves out to make friends, it will arise!

 

[peixe200]

Hey people. It's been a long time since I started this thread, so I should have updated it a little sooner. I wasn't going to, but since there's been so many responses here lately, I guess I should tell to all fellow weirdos here what I did with my obsession, and how did I avoid entering in depression. I'm warning though, this is going to be quite the wordy post.


Some weeks, well, at least a month after starting this thread, I went to a psychologist to talk about this problem. I told her about how I always tried to enter in a serious relationship with a girl, no matter who the girl was as long as she was friendly to me, and always being rejected, or never telling my feelings. And this incessant search for love wasn't something recent for me. It was a serious, almost fundamental problem I've been having since primary school, that never left me no matter what. No matter where I studied, I would always find a nice, pretty girl who would be friendly with me and I would obsess about her until something bad happened, which was usually her rejecting me or sometimes bullying me. And then another nice, pretty girl would be friendly with me and the whole thing would start again. When I made this post here, I was beyond rock bottom.


I told her everything about my futile attempts to get a girlfriend. I said I never wanted nor tried picking up girls, or looking for some non-serious, just physical relationship (which in my country is called ficar,or "to stay"), because I was (and still am) one of those stupid "romantic" guys. I told her that I would only fall in love with a girl after getting to know her well and starting a strong friendship with her, and that I thought that was my problem, because of that whole yadda-yadda "friendzone" imbecility I hate to hear about. I said that I was always falling in love with every interesting female of my age I knew because I was sure that if I did that, I would eventually discover that at least one of them loved me back. And that now, I was constantly feeling bad about that because I couldn't stop thinking about it, I couldn't stop searching desperately for someone that loved me in a romantic way, someone that could make my miserable, pointless pathetic life worth living, and I felt like a horrible person that didn't deserve to live because every girl I knew was constantly saying about what a wonderful, incredible person I was, yet not even a single one of them wanted to go on a date with me, with the sole exception of a girl I dreamed about one day and that I desperately tried to dream about again, and how I HATED, HATED MYSELF IMMENSELY FOR FEELING AND DOING ALL THOSE STUPID THINGS, BUT BEING INABLE TO STOP DOING AND FEELING THEM AND JUST REPEATING THE WHOLE PROCESS AGAIN AND AGAIN AND UUURRRGH sorry, I got a little excited. I didn't told her about all this, but that's exactly how I was feeling. No hyperbole.

Anyway, after telling her all of that stuff, she asked me if I ever tried to look for a girl that was broken, dysfunctional, and borderline insane yet bizarrely harmless (or in her words, "someone like me"), and I told her that I was already asked about that, but I never even got to find such a mystical creature in my whole life. And then she told me exactly what I needed to hear: first, that I didn't need to pick up girls, and that there was nothing wrong with developing friendships with them before deciding to fall in love was a great way to getting to know them, in contrary to the advice that everyone was giving me. Second, that I couldn't be happy or satisfied by settling down on a relationship with any girl, because I was a very picky, specifistic person. I had to find a person that would suit me the best, or at least well enough. And third, maybe the most important piece of advice I ever heard about romance, that HAVING A GIRLFRIEND WASN'T GOING TO MAGICALLY SOLVE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS OR EVEN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT MY LIFE, MUCH TO THE CONTRARY! OH MY GOD WHY DID NOBODY EVER SAY THIS TO ME!!!

Then, she told me that I should try to think about what kind of girl I would like the most, and instead of worshipping that ideal dream, I should look for a girl that could fit at least closely to that description. And guess what, ladies and gentlemen! Do you think that I found this girl and she fell in love with me and we lived happily ever after together? Let me give you a tip: this is the real life, dammit! I never found this girl, until today. But you know what? I don't care anymore! Because with these wise words of advice, I finally had a good argument to shut up the annoying voice in my head that was contantly teasing me for not having a relationship. Every time I started to develop feelings for a girl, I examined her carefully to see if she was really my type, and if she wasn't, I'd just shrug the feelings off without remorse or doubt. And if I started to feel bad about my loneliness, I'd just remember myself that it was pointless to fall in love with a girl that wouldn't make me happy. I just had to wait until I found the right girl, and I know I'll find her eventually. And if I don't, who cares? I can still live a happy life. And with that way of thinking, I could finally achieve peace... sorta.

The truth was, my obsession with love was only one problem between the various that were getting in the way of my happiness. I just had the tools to start climbing the huge abyss of my problematic life, and I still had a long way to go. I'm still climbing it, but I know one day I will reach the top.