Troubles in my NT/AS relationship..I am the problem!

[sixshot]

I have been with this girl I am 28 she is 30.. we have been together for about 4 months now. And things went quick.. this doesnt bother me.
But we have had some serious fights leading to almost breaking up. But the good times we have together are amazing.
I fell like I am the problem because I feel like I am always worrying that she is thinking bad things about me. It seems like she complains a lot about things I do. The way I talk, the tone I use and she says I talk really loud and aggressively.
When we have a fight I push her and push her till I am satisfied that she is happy and not going to leave me..this in itself is a problem as shes told me it makes her feel cornered. Like I am in her face and this worries her.
I complain to her that she doesnt like to touch me much, i.e. hold hands, cuddle. And I am always the one initiating sex. I have tried to talk to her about this but she gets angry at me when ever I try to talk about things that are bothering me.
I really want things to work out with her because she makes me really happy most of the time. But I am sick of my brain worrying all the time.
We just had a massive fight last night because I found out she messaged her ex bf behind my back...she said its because his dad just found out he has cancer. This really bothers me because she has a tone of photos of her and her exs on Facebook, she is still friends on Facebook with a few of her exs. AND 2 months ago she went and met up with her **** buddy (guy before she met me) behind my back and didnt tell me, I found out because I saw a message in her phone and dove deeper and found out she was flirting with him in texts and she went and met up with him after work one night. She assures me nothing happened. She said she did it because we were fighting and she wanted to go see how she would feel or something like that. That really upset me and I asked her "what would you do if I did that to you" and she said she would have broken up with me.
I stayed with her because I really like her a lot. I see a future with her. But it seems she isnt very sympathetic or understanding to my aspergers. We had a huge fight once because I didnt want to eat at this vegan place because I couldnt see anything I would eat and she went off at me for not wanting to try new things.. I tried to explain to her that I am sensitive to textures and taste, that I know what I like and don't like.
She seems to always be upset with me and I all I want to do is make her happy and be happy with me.
I know I am the problem, I know I must be so difficult to be with. I just want her to be understanding.
She is going to bali for a friends wedding and this ex she texted last night will be there. I can't stop worrying and feeling really upset that shes done something wrong (she said she doesnt think she did anything wrong) and that she never tries to reassure me or make me feel better.


Please help, I need some advice from people who understand the way my brain functions. It is really bothering me. I want to be able to be better and make her happy.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I asked her "what would you do if I did that to you" and she said she would have broken up with me.

I'd break up with her. I don't play those kind of games.

PS: I'm NT. You deserve better. There are understanding NT's out there. Being alone even sounds better than what she's dishing out.

 

[sixshot]

I'd break up with her. I don't play those kind of games.

What kind of games?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

What kind of games?

Texting and seeing her ex's behind your back. It's only a matter of time that she will probably cheat on you - especially during a fight. She just told you what she would do if you were getting in touch with your ex's. She needs a dose of her own medicine. It doesn't look like she's ever going to try to understand you.

 

[sixshot]

Well I've just spent the past 2 hours writing up a pdf of what my traits for her to better understand.
I really don't want to break up with her.
1. I hate being all alone. I have no friends at all
And 2. She does make me feel.really good. But I feel she thinks my asperges isn't fair on her because I have 'excuses' and she needs to learn to give me 'special treatment'

I think that bothers her but she doesn't get that it's not excuses or special treatment.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Well I've just spent the past 2 hours writing up a pdf of what my traits for her to better understand.
I really don't want to break up with her.
1. I hate being all alone. I have no friends at all
And 2. She does make me feel.really good. But I feel she thinks my asperges isn't fair on her because I have 'excuses' and she needs to learn to give me 'special treatment'

I think that bothers her but she doesn't get that it's not excuses or special treatment.

Then you're going to have to put up with how she treats you. As the saying goes "take the good with the bad".

 

[Judge]

But I feel she thinks my asperges isn't fair on her because I have 'excuses' and she needs to learn to give me 'special treatment'

I think that bothers her but she doesn't get that it's not excuses or special treatment.

No- it isn't "fair". However I'm apt to believe this is a dynamic at the very heart of most NT/Aspie relationships. The probability that an NT will have to concede more than 50% given an Aspie may have only limited control of certain traits and behaviors regardless of concerted effort and good intentions.

Otherwise if she perceives and insists on complete equality in this regard, I don't think the relationship will survive. If she can't break out of this frame of mind it will only cause both of you further grief.

 

[NTgirl4276]

I agree with some of the earlier posts. like Grumpy Cat, I am also NT, and I can't excuse the sort of behavior you've described. Someone who seeks validation or attention from a previous partner every time we get in an argument is not someone I could ever feel safe loving, or even liking. Just because she may not understand your Asperger's does not mean she gets to actively make you feel insecure, unsafe, or ignored in a relationship.

If anything, I would expect that a person who genuinely cares for you will go out of her way to try to learn more about your experiences and what you may need in a relationship. While I certainly applaud you willingness to share your needs/wants with her, she should be actively seeking that from you as well. It's a two-way street.

As an NT, I'm here on AspiesCentral all the damn time, trying my hardest to learn about things, get advice, and hopefully begin to understand the Aspie man I am hoping to build a relationship with. You deserve someone who is eager and willing to do the same.

In my opinion, it's not about fairness; it's about me liking him and, therefore, wanting to do what I can to make sure he is comfortable around and with me. A sort of "keeping score" mindset, when it comes to making sacrifices or changes to behavior, is destructive to all relationships, regardless of neurodiversity.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I agree with some of the earlier posts. like Grumpy Cat, I am also NT, and I can't excuse the sort of behavior you've described. Someone who seeks validation or attention from a previous partner every time we get in an argument is not someone I could ever feel safe loving, or even liking. Just because she may not understand your Asperger's does not mean she gets to actively make you feel insecure, unsafe, or ignored in a relationship.

If anything, I would expect that a person who genuinely cares for you will go out of her way to try to learn more about your experiences and what you may need in a relationship. While I certainly applaud you willingness to share your needs/wants with her, she should be actively seeking that from you as well. It's a two-way street.

As an NT, I'm here on AspiesCentral all the damn time, trying my hardest to learn about things, get advice, and hopefully begin to understand the Aspie man I am hoping to build a relationship with. You deserve someone who is eager and willing to do the same.

In my opinion, it's not about fairness; it's about me liking him and, therefore, wanting to do what I can to make sure he is comfortable around and with me. A sort of "keeping score" mindset, when it comes to making sacrifices or changes to behavior, is destructive to all relationships, regardless of neurodiversity.

I whole heartedly agree with everything NT Girl said. I couldn't have said it any better.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Ahm, you're probably not going to like this, but you did ask.

I do think you are contributing a lot of energy to creating and maintaining this problem, based solely on what you've written. Let's see how I come to that conclusion (which is worth what you paid for it).

fell like I am the problem because I feel like I am always worrying that she is thinking bad things about me. It seems like she complains a lot about things I do. The way I talk, the tone I use and she says I talk really loud and aggressively.
When we have a fight I push her and push her

Well, if you escalate, it's because you think force is going to give you what you want? How is "push her and push her" supposed to work? What did you expect would happen?

About voices: Tone is important. Volume is a dominance attribute, as is speed. A cutting edge, an iciness, scorn or contempt or resentment, these things matter. Do you know you are feeling and sounding when you talk to her? If you taped yourself and played it back, would you hear what she hears? Get her permission to tape yourself, and try it out.

Why do you think she is always thinking bad things of you? And--why wouldn't she think badly of someone who escalates, gets loud, uses a harsh tone...?

I found out she messaged her ex bf behind my back

If any of my boyfriends had ever had the unmitigated gall to demand that I needed permission to contact an ex, I would tear them a new one, so to speak. If someone is now a friend, having been an "ex" I don't need permission and won't tolerate being controlled. I would expect a certain amount of discretion on her part, because the OP sounds desperately insecure, and if you can't control your anxiety, I wouldn't want to aggravate it, since any contact will be construed as disloyalty.

AND 2 months ago she went and met up with her **** buddy (guy before she met me) behind my back and didnt tell me, I found out because I saw a message in her phone

How did you see a message on her phone? Are you spying on her?

and dove deeper and found out she was flirting with him in texts and she went and met up with him after work one night. She assures me nothing happened.

I'm not sure what "dove deeper" means, but frankly, you sound like the guy you would hire to follow her around and take pictures of everyone she meets. Seriously. Are you dating her or investigating her? Whichever it is, you are doing your very best to drive her away, because apparently she can't have male friends if she's seeing you, and you, as you say, "push her and push her..."

I have to stop here, because the words I read suggest someone who is really trying to control a woman and that's hitting a nerve for me, so I'll stop. Personally, I didn't think you were getting enough variety upthread, so I'm championing a different point of view. I'm not saying it makes me right.

But you are documenting a lot of difficult behaviors of your own that could trigger responses in kind. You may think otherwise.

 

[sixshot]

I am going to start off by replying to your comment first as this bothered me quite a bit

Well, if you escalate, it's because you think force is going to give you what you want? How is "push her and push her" supposed to work? What did you expect would happen?

About voices: Tone is important. Volume is a dominance attribute, as is speed. A cutting edge, an iciness, scorn or contempt or resentment, these things matter. Do you know you are feeling and sounding when you talk to her? If you taped yourself and played it back, would you hear what she hears? Get her permission to tape yourself, and try it out.

Why do you think she is always thinking bad things of you? And--why wouldn't she think badly of someone who escalates, gets loud, uses a harsh tone...?

I agree and I am totally blind to my tone and the way I come across but you repeated what I already said and know

If any of my boyfriends had ever had the unmitigated gall to demand that I needed permission to contact an ex, I would tear them a new one, so to speak. If someone is now a friend, having been an "ex" I don't need permission and won't tolerate being controlled. I would expect a certain amount of discretion on her part, because the OP sounds desperately insecure, and if you can't control your anxiety, I wouldn't want to aggravate it, since any contact will be construed as disloyalty.
How did you see a message on her phone? Are you spying on her?

Not once did I ever say in my OP that I demanded anything, nor was I spying.
She messed up by going and seeing an old **** buddy behind my back and flirting with him in texts I found out because I was getting my mobile number out of her phone and I saw a message that was open that looked suss so I checked it and saw that it got worse and worse..I wasn't spying I was doing something innocent and in that process I discovered her wrong doings. How dare you make excuses for cheating behaviour.

I'm not sure what "dove deeper" means, but frankly, you sound like the guy you would hire to follow her around and take pictures of everyone she meets. Seriously. Are you dating her or investigating her? Whichever it is, you are doing your very best to drive her away, because apparently she can't have male friends if she's seeing you, and you, as you say, "push her and push her..."

I have to stop here, because the words I read suggest someone who is really trying to control a woman and that's hitting a nerve for me, so I'll stop. Personally, I didn't think you were getting enough variety upthread, so I'm championing a different point of view. I'm not saying it makes me right.

You sound like you've been hurt in the past...even borderline misandristic. I do no such thing. In fact I put up with a lot of ****, I let her do what she wants and I havent forced her to delete anyone from Facebook or any of the photos she has of her ex. I told her it bothers me and never once tried to force her to do anything. You are quite rude and I would appreciate if you didnt comment on anything else of mine unless you have something productive to say. Your comment had no truth in it what so ever.
Thank you

 

[sixshot]

I agree with some of the earlier posts. like Grumpy Cat, I am also NT, and I can't excuse the sort of behavior you've described. Someone who seeks validation or attention from a previous partner every time we get in an argument is not someone I could ever feel safe loving, or even liking. Just because she may not understand your Asperger's does not mean she gets to actively make you feel insecure, unsafe, or ignored in a relationship.

If anything, I would expect that a person who genuinely cares for you will go out of her way to try to learn more about your experiences and what you may need in a relationship. While I certainly applaud you willingness to share your needs/wants with her, she should be actively seeking that from you as well. It's a two-way street.

As an NT, I'm here on AspiesCentral all the damn time, trying my hardest to learn about things, get advice, and hopefully begin to understand the Aspie man I am hoping to build a relationship with. You deserve someone who is eager and willing to do the same.

In my opinion, it's not about fairness; it's about me liking him and, therefore, wanting to do what I can to make sure he is comfortable around and with me. A sort of "keeping score" mindset, when it comes to making sacrifices or changes to behavior, is destructive to all relationships, regardless of neurodiversity.

You are the kind of girl I wish I had, I see all these girls on these forums trying their best to understand their partners who are Aspie, which makes me sad because I would never see my girlfriend on one of these. What bothers me is I feel so horrible and guilty asking for her to understand AS i feel like I am burdening her and I don't want to scare her away.

You being NT could you give me some advice of how to act and be when around her? How can I try get her to be more involved with my AS? All the blame can't be on her, I must contribute to a lot of it and I want to take responsibility for it.
We had a fight 2 nights ago now like I mentioned in my OP and I wrote out a big apology letter and left it on her kitchen counter and I made sweet cute notes and stuck them to her mirror for her when she got home from work, I also sent her a single rose to her at work saying "I'm attempting to discover, where to begin, A cold feels much better than this, I am sorry", I even finished recording the song I was writing her and I emailed that to her...
And still I haven't heard anything from her all that day and all last night and still nothing today. I thought I wouldn't bother texting her, that I would just give her some space and time. But this is what makes me go crazy, lose my mind, she doesnt text me or bother to even say thanks. I don't know if I should be upset that she hasn't, if I have any right to be upset that she hasn't. Or if I am just being selfish. But I feel like that is such a rude thing to do, not respond to someones efforts.

Can I ask, how do you and your boyfriend make things work? He has to put in effort to be better and change some of the bad traits. what do you guys do and how did he achieve your understanding?

I am sorry for the long comment but it seems like you are the perfect start for some understanding in this, as you are NT with an AS.


Thank you so much for taking the time to comment btw, I really appreciate that.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It's me again. Since you don't want to break it off yet, I just want to say that I would give her some time to see if she shows any interest in learning about AS. If she keeps doing the same things as she's doing now, I would cut her off because then you know she doesn't want to learn anything about you, she just wants to change you.

Also, you need to learn more about NT women because they are very different from you. They deal a lot with "feelings". Which brings me to another thing - she may be getting her "feeling" needs met through her ex boyfriends which then cheating would be even more possible. That's why I've said in other posts that NT women need to get their social needs met through other NT female friends.

As far as the phone thing goes, I would have no problem with my Hunny looking at my cell phone - unless I had something to hide (which I don't). Her phone was available to you to look at without a lock on it so she must not have had anything to hide. What bothers me is that she said she would break up with you if she found the same things on your phone. I don't like that kind of crap. That statement alone would tell me exactly what I needed to do. "What's good for the goose isn't good for the gander" in her world.

 

[NTgirl4276]

From my limited knowledge of the situation, I might guess that, perhaps, many of the issues you might be experiencing might be stemming from a possible lack of genuine care and interest (for whatever reasons!) on her part. Because if she does genuinely care for you--YOU, as a person, not just as someone to hang out with, waste time with, do things with, etc.--she would likely not consider any of this to be a "burden." Doing things for people we care about usually doesn't feel like a burden; when I do things for friends and family and loved ones, it's because seeing them happy brings me joy. Sacrifices become blessings.

Has she explicitly told you that she perceives of this as a "burden"? Or, as "sacrifices"? I only ask because some of your own perceptions of your AS might be reflecting back upon you. When you use the word "blame," it makes me a little sad, because it seems that you might perceive of your AS as a problem. In my view, it's not; sure, in our society, having different communicative or social behaviors or merely even thinking differently is often labeled as "a problem"--but just because we tend to label it that way doesn't make it right! Sadly, we're so quick to equate "difference" with "dysfunction." And, in my view, that's just terrible of all of us.

The truth is, all couples have to navigate differences in relationships--cultural ones, political ones, and as I'm now learning, neurological ones! The key to navigating all of this is open communication. It seems like you are attempting to show her how you feel (with the notes, with the song, etc.), and you are not getting much of a response. But, her silence IS responsive. It suggests that she does not want to interact with you right now, for whatever reason. NTs are sadly not as inclined to be clear and assertive; rather than just tell you "I need some space," she'll just ignore you. And yes, that's INCREDIBLY RUDE, and also immature. But it is very common. She might even just keep ignoring you so that YOU will give up and SHE doesn't have to be the "bad guy" who broke up with you. I've seen many of my NT friends do this; and, it's awful, but it's accepted in (NT) society.

I think you might be right to give her some space, because 1) you've certainly done your part in reaching out; and 2) if it turns out she is not as invested in the relationship as you are, she will likely perceive your attempts as "smothering." When we (of course, speaking as an NT person) start to reject a person, we reject all of their actions as well--even actions that, from someone else, we would welcome. For example, if I am interested in someone and he walks up to me out of the blue and asks me out on a date, I am thrilled! If I am not interested in someone and he walks up to me out of the blue and asks me out on a date (same exact action), I might think he's creepy. IT MAKES NO SENSE, of course, but we tend to conflate how we feel about a person with how we feel about their actions. The point is: all of these gestures are objectively lovely (notes, honest apologies, a personal song, etc.), but if she's already pulling away from you, she might perceive them as overwhelming.

IF you give her some space and she reaches out to you, THEN I think you can take that opportunity to share your experience with AS--or, as much of your experience as you feel comfortable sharing. I would LOVE it if my Aspie man did this; he hasn't yet. I only know about his AS because he mentioned it very briefly, and he hasn't brought it up again, and I don't want to force him to if he's not ready. In the meantime, I am just trying to understand, prepare, and make small adaptations to my behavior to try to cultivate the most supportive environment--one in which he might, hopefully, one day feel safe sharing more with me. Perhaps you can use one of the points she has raised in your arguments as a starting point; like, "You've mentioned before that my angry tone bothers you when we fight. Being aware of how others perceive my tone is a dimension of my experience with AS..."

I think it's important to not apologize for your AS, as it's not something I think anyone should have to apologize for. Rather, it's something you share with your partner just like you would anything else--your childhood, your future ambitions, your interests, etc. It's part of who you are, and if she likes you, she should welcome that information and be open to hearing more and, particularly, hearing about what it might mean for your relationship with her. Instead of framing it as stuff she should do to adapt, or stuff you should do to "make it better," I think it's most helpful to frame it as a dynamic in your relationship that BOTH of you should be mindful of, so that you can find compromises that both of you are comfortable with.

Of course, the difficult part of all of this is that she might not reach out, or she might not react in the ways you wish she would to your honesty. In that case, I think it's a good idea for you to reassess how you feel about the relationship. Do you want to constantly be pushing your partner to care about how you feel? Are you okay with constantly striving and stressing to "make her happy," when you don't feel like the same effort is being reciprocated? Do you genuinely want to be with someone who thinks that your legitimate neurological differences are just "excuses" for not behaving in the exact way she expects? At the end of the day, relationships are partnerships; it's not enough for one person to be trying to make the other happy. Both need to be wholeheartedly invested in each other's happiness.

 

[SignOfLazarus]

You are the kind of girl I wish I had...

Then you don't want the girl you have now.
Simple.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

From my limited knowledge of the situation, I might guess that, perhaps, many of the issues you might be experiencing might be stemming from a possible lack of genuine care and interest (for whatever reasons!) on her part. Because if she does genuinely care for you--YOU, as a person, not just as someone to hang out with, waste time with, do things with, etc.--she would likely not consider any of this to be a "burden." Doing things for people we care about usually doesn't feel like a burden; when I do things for friends and family and loved ones, it's because seeing them happy brings me joy. Sacrifices become blessings.

Has she explicitly told you that she perceives of this as a "burden"? Or, as "sacrifices"? I only ask because some of your own perceptions of your AS might be reflecting back upon you. When you use the word "blame," it makes me a little sad, because it seems that you might perceive of your AS as a problem. In my view, it's not; sure, in our society, having different communicative or social behaviors or merely even thinking differently is often labeled as "a problem"--but just because we tend to label it that way doesn't make it right! Sadly, we're so quick to equate "difference" with "dysfunction." And, in my view, that's just terrible of all of us.

The truth is, all couples have to navigate differences in relationships--cultural ones, political ones, and as I'm now learning, neurological ones! The key to navigating all of this is open communication. It seems like you are attempting to show her how you feel (with the notes, with the song, etc.), and you are not getting much of a response. But, her silence IS responsive. It suggests that she does not want to interact with you right now, for whatever reason. NTs are sadly not as inclined to be clear and assertive; rather than just tell you "I need some space," she'll just ignore you. And yes, that's INCREDIBLY RUDE, and also immature. But it is very common. She might even just keep ignoring you so that YOU will give up and SHE doesn't have to be the "bad guy" who broke up with you. I've seen many of my NT friends do this; and, it's awful, but it's accepted in (NT) society.

I think you might be right to give her some space, because 1) you've certainly done your part in reaching out; and 2) if it turns out she is not as invested in the relationship as you are, she will likely perceive your attempts as "smothering." When we (of course, speaking as an NT person) start to reject a person, we reject all of their actions as well--even actions that, from someone else, we would welcome. For example, if I am interested in someone and he walks up to me out of the blue and asks me out on a date, I am thrilled! If I am not interested in someone and he walks up to me out of the blue and asks me out on a date (same exact action), I might think he's creepy. IT MAKES NO SENSE, of course, but we tend to conflate how we feel about a person with how we feel about their actions. The point is: all of these gestures are objectively lovely (notes, honest apologies, a personal song, etc.), but if she's already pulling away from you, she might perceive them as overwhelming.

IF you give her some space and she reaches out to you, THEN I think you can take that opportunity to share your experience with AS--or, as much of your experience as you feel comfortable sharing. I would LOVE it if my Aspie man did this; he hasn't yet. I only know about his AS because he mentioned it very briefly, and he hasn't brought it up again, and I don't want to force him to if he's not ready. In the meantime, I am just trying to understand, prepare, and make small adaptations to my behavior to try to cultivate the most supportive environment--one in which he might, hopefully, one day feel safe sharing more with me. Perhaps you can use one of the points she has raised in your arguments as a starting point; like, "You've mentioned before that my angry tone bothers you when we fight. Being aware of how others perceive my tone is a dimension of my experience with AS..."

I think it's important to not apologize for your AS, as it's not something I think anyone should have to apologize for. Rather, it's something you share with your partner just like you would anything else--your childhood, your future ambitions, your interests, etc. It's part of who you are, and if she likes you, she should welcome that information and be open to hearing more and, particularly, hearing about what it might mean for your relationship with her. Instead of framing it as stuff she should do to adapt, or stuff you should do to "make it better," I think it's most helpful to frame it as a dynamic in your relationship that BOTH of you should be mindful of, so that you can find compromises that both of you are comfortable with.

Of course, the difficult part of all of this is that she might not reach out, or she might not react in the ways you wish she would to your honesty. In that case, I think it's a good idea for you to reassess how you feel about the relationship. Do you want to constantly be pushing your partner to care about how you feel? Are you okay with constantly striving and stressing to "make her happy," when you don't feel like the same effort is being reciprocated? Do you genuinely want to be with someone who thinks that your legitimate neurological differences are just "excuses" for not behaving in the exact way she expects? At the end of the day, relationships are partnerships; it's not enough for one person to be trying to make the other happy. Both need to be wholeheartedly invested in each other's happiness.

Omg NT Girl! You covered all bases! You should be a shrink! I'd go to you.

I second everything you said! You go NT Girl!

 

[NTgirl4276]

Omg NT Girl! You covered all bases! You should be a shrink! I'd go to you.

I second everything you said! You go NT Girl!

I appreciate the affirmation, Grumpy Cat! in real life, I'm a communication professor/scholar. so, close enough?

 

[Tia Maria]

sixshot, I don't think you are going to like my assessment but you are seeking honest advice so here goes; I do not think the two of you make a very good or even compatible couple at all. Despite you're feeling really good & really happy most of the time (except for when you're feeling really worried, upset & insecure), the relationship seems to have at least an equal number of bad times vs, good, & that does not bode well for any relationship. I am surprised you think you see a future together because to be blunt, I do not. And unfortunately, from what you've written she does not seem to be as interested or committed as you are in the relationship.

I hesitate to assign blame as there are always two sides to every story, & I would also find some of your behavior (as described) to be offensive & overly aggressive, but separately, she is not treating you the way someone would treat another they cared for & valued.

Were the 'amazing times' mostly in the beginning of the relationship? You say "things went quick" ... perhaps after the initial excitement & whirlwind, as you got to know each other better, she feels differently? That is pure speculation, but the bottom line is that the relationship does not sound healthy or positive, & it does not sound like one that will last. As others here have already mentioned, a relationship is a two-way street & its success requires both parties to participate, compromise & be equally invested. No one can force another person to change or change their behavior. Sure you could always make some improvements on your end, but that does not seem to be the problem. In order for this or any relationship to work, you would both need to work things out together, & it does not sound like your gf is really interested in doing so.

In a good relationship both partners should generally feel happy or content, loved, respected, valued & appreciated. Everyone deserves that. And both partners must be trustworthy. It is just my opinion but maybe you are settling for a relationship that is not really right because you like her so much, have gotten attached & do enjoy the good times, & have no other friends in your life right now. All that would make it hard to let go, but the two of you just do not seem compatible at all.

 

[sixshot]

Hey everyone. Thank you so much for the replies. I'm on my phone so cannot reply to them.
But I'm seriously thinking of ending it tonight.
I shouldn't sacrifice my dignity to try make something work. If she can't like many of you said be supportive and work with me than I can't force it.
She's hurt me by going behind my back with her ex **** buddy. Then treats me like I'm the bad one. I don't deserve that.

I know I will miss her but by all the replies you've put it into perspective. I really appreciate your replies. Honestly I'm amazed at the honest support.
You're all really amazing

 

[Tia Maria]

We had a fight 2 nights ago now like I mentioned in my OP and I wrote out a big apology letter and left it on her kitchen counter and I made sweet cute notes and stuck them to her mirror for her when she got home from work, I also sent her a single rose to her at work saying "I'm attempting to discover, where to begin, A cold feels much better than this, I am sorry", I even finished recording the song I was writing her and I emailed that to her...
And still I haven't heard anything from her all that day and all last night and still nothing today. I thought I wouldn't bother texting her, that I would just give her some space and time. But this is what makes me go crazy, lose my mind, she doesnt text me or bother to even say thanks. I don't know if I should be upset that she hasn't, if I have any right to be upset that she hasn't. Or if I am just being selfish. But I feel like that is such a rude thing to do, not respond to someones efforts.

Here is my perspective on what you wrote here .... okay, you two had a big fight two nights ago. You responded/followed up by doing the bunch of things you listed. You had still not heard back from her all that same day or night, or so far the next day.

You told us why the fight initiated, but we have no idea what the extent of your fight was including how bad it got, what was said etc ... OR how she feels about you after the entirety of the fight. I totally understand & sympathize with you for the hurt & disappointment I'd expect you'd feel after not hearing back from her (yet). But instead of sorrow & sadness, your words reveal some anger & feelings of entitlement. You ask if you have a right to be upset. You feel that she is being rude to not have responded to your efforts. You complain that she has not even texted to say thanks. All this hints of manipulation versus sincerity. Were your 'efforts' genuine? You say you were apologizing, for what? Although she might have initially been in the wrong, what did you say or do during the "fight" that prompted all your efforts including an apology? If someone feels they owe another person an apology & they make it, their hope is typically to have their apology accepted & to be forgiven. Instead of sadness & concern that she is still upset, angry or hurt - hasn't yet acknowledged or accepted your apology - you are labeling her non-response rude & you seem a tad mad that she hasn't 'thanked' you. I'm sorry but this reflects controlling & manipulative behavior. And NO, you do not have a right to be upset at her for this, although you might of course be sad, distressed, disappointed etc ...

By now she may have responded already. But if not, her non-response is a response.