Too little too late

[Nisk]

So when you wait to long to address certain relationship related asperger traits it can lead to your wife asking you to leave. Now with hope and work she'll see you change and become the person that she married again but I can only hope for now.

Has anyone ever managed to salvage there relationship after a situation like this or am I barking up the wrong tree?

I still plan on working myself it would just be nice to know that there could light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Tom]

It came to a very strained stage in my relationship, but we didn't actually separate. I did have to make a very concerted and ongoing effort to work out and thru the problems and correct some Aspie counterproductive behaviors. A lot of communicating and trying to understand was involved. That was several years ago. It did work.

 

[On the Inside]

I waited a little too long to find out what my problem is, I was diagnosed a couple of years ago. It took a lot of pressure from my SO, and a long circuitous route to that diagnosis, so there have been a lot of issues to address, on both sides, but mostly mine.

I did go stay at a friends house for about a month once, at the worst stage. It was actually a good thing, at least for me, we really needed some space. That was about a year and a half ago, things have gotten better, we've gone through a couple of rounds of couples therapy, the last with a therapist very experienced with Autism/Aspergers. I have been continuing to see her on my own.

Not out of the woods yet, and still a possibility we split up for good, but we are proceeding forward with our lives togther, and we're doing better. She has seen me change for the better in some areas, and has started to accept that some things may not change.

I wish you well.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Before I stumbled onto it, my husband was already starting to figure out some of my quirks were strengths or limitations natural to me and weren't anything done out of malice or any negative intent because he could tell I really was trying my best. Being able to explain some issues known and unknown with autism helped a good bit nonetheless.

 

[Nisk]

Sigh, it's very difficult when no matter what you do it seems wrong. So she asked me to leave and I was really messed up I go out with a friend I've known since I was 2 years old so I can talk and get my head cleared a bit.
He decides we grab dinner and go watch a movie. Get home and she loses it on me for going out for dinner and a movie when if I'd have done that with her 2 months ago we wouldn't have had this problem. Then tells me that's the same as if she'd have gone out and had sex with another guy because we were having issues with sex. I'm starting to think there's more going on right now. She has a few issues with mental health and I hope that she's not having an episode triggered by the stuff that's been going on.

Thankfully her dad drove in from out of town, I hope he can at least make her start feeling better.

 

[Slithytoves]

You're still the man she married, just not the one she thought she was marrying. That happens way too often. I wish more people could see their own role in the creation and destruction of their illusions about others. It sure would save a lot of blame and strife.

Many a relationship has been torpedoed by my Aspieness in one way or another, but I was undiagnosed at the time.

The "You didn't do that with me" thing seems to come up a lot around here. Another wish: That people could ignore the superficial action and see the underlying purpose. They are often very different.

Is her dad friendly towards you? Is he able to see his daughter's weaknesses? I hope his visit doesn't solidify her position on you further. You need some latitude to make things right. I wish you the best with it.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

The "You didn't do that with me" thing seems to come up a lot around here.

This triggered something for me.

Yesterday my husband and I went to the movies. There was a huge gap (big enough to let a car through!) between the ticket window and a clot of people studying the marquee. Since we didn't need to decide what we wanted, we walked up to a window. A young, well-dressed woman bent over and called to us with a huge, faux smile, "The line is here, I'm next." I sensed antagonism and judgment. Unusually, I found words. "Where?" I gestured at the space. "What's this big gap for? Where is a line?" I gestured at the clot, which by now was sort of a fan. I walked into the clot and started asking, "are you in line? are you?" And it got sorted. Americans just can't queue.

And then I was anxious about it, afterwards. My husband said, "you didn't do anything wrong. She was an idiot."

"You didn't do that with me" thing seems related to the concept of normal received behavior, the stuff NTs don't think about, because it seems natural. If I don't see a line, how would I know there was a line? What tells people that standing around in a group is the same as standing in a line? If I don't know there's something special about going out for dinner, how would I suss that out...before the fact?

I definitely don't buy the idea that going out to dinner is like having sex. That's just...so 10,000 years ago. If dinner is foreplay, things have regressed a lot. (Granted...there are men who think that's exactly what dinner with a woman is...but does anyone else think it's odd that it was the woman who jumped to this accusation?)

 

[Nisk]

Her whole family is in shock right now, her dad has talked with her and said shes just got "a bug in her butt right now" and to give her time. Shes dealing with quite a few other issues right now on top of our relationship and he thinks she has just become overwhelmed. I said she seems alright with the other aspects right now in her life but she's just incapable of addressing anything to do with our relationship. I talked with a friend last night and he said anger is probably a good reaction because it means she still cares enough to get mad. If she becomes indifferent then I need to really worry.
I know some of the things I need to be taking care of right now and I just need to try to maintain my course and keep working on the things I know were causing a rift.

 

[On the Inside]

"You didn't do that with me"

I get a variation on this almost any time I do something with a friend, which only happens about 2-3 times a year, usually only meeting for lunch. She gets mad at me afterwards, like a form of jealousy. It seems to be a product of the perception, accurate or not I'm not sure, that "we never do anything together".

It is hard to find time to do special things together, and I do neglect that area, but I have been asking if she would like to meet for lunch, arranged a weekend away without our son, that sort of thing. We have talked about it, and I've talked to my therapist about it a lot, but it still crops up, though with less intensity.

It is fortunate that you seem to have a good relationship with your in-laws, supportive family and friends can be very helpful.

 

[Nisk]

It's funny I feel like it's not worth doing anything if the outcome isn't going to be a reconciliation but I know that's ultimately the worst thing I could possibly do. So I carry on I will strive to be better person and not stop fighting for my wife, whether that's fighting to get back together or not. I do see love in her eyes she feels she's doing the best thing for all of us and at the moment she might be right. But in a week, month or who knows that may not be true.

 

[On the Inside]

I say hang in there. You're in the middle of a tough spot and should focus on your own feelings, thoughts, responsibilities, what is important to you, your values. That is what is worth doing right now. Try not to think too much about outcomes.

Given some time, you both will be able to look at things with more clarity. When I spent my month in exile, (it wasn't complete, we still spent time together, and I didn't spend every night away) we were able to set aside some of the animosity and talk about the positive outcomes that we both were looking for.

 

[Ste11aeres]

\

It's funny I feel like it's not worth doing anything if the outcome isn't going to be a reconciliation but I know that's ultimately the worst thing I could possibly do. So I carry on I will strive to be better person and not stop fighting for my wife, whether that's fighting to get back together or not. I do see love in her eyes she feels she's doing the best thing for all of us and at the moment she might be right. But in a week, month or who knows that may not be true.

We can't control the outcomes of our actions, but we can control our actions themselves. Keep trying to do the right thing.

 

[Slithytoves]

I get a variation on this almost any time I do something with a friend, which only happens about 2-3 times a year, usually only meeting for lunch. She gets mad at me afterwards, like a form of jealousy. It seems to be a product of the perception, accurate or not I'm not sure, that "we never do anything together".

It is hard to find time to do special things together, and I do neglect that area, but I have been asking if she would like to meet for lunch, arranged a weekend away without our son, that sort of thing. We have talked about it, and I've talked to my therapist about it a lot, but it still crops up, though with less intensity.

It is fortunate that you seem to have a good relationship with your in-laws, supportive family and friends can be very helpful.

I didn't know you two had a child together. (How old is he?) Now I understand some things you've said in the past a little better.

It's not exactly the same thing, but my housemate (a friend of 30 years) always complains when I do anything with other people. She says I never seem to want to go anywhere with her. The way I see it, I do things with her every day -- we just do them at home. It took me a long time to understand that she needs more than that to feel like I enjoy her company. It never would have occurred to me if she hadn't explained.

On the other hand, I stick by what I said before about the reasons for going out with other people make a simple comparison of similar actions (going to dinner with one vs. not with another) too simple. I don't really like going out much locally, so if I do it with somebody it's because either I rarely get to see them, or we have something specific to talk about with them. It's not about what we do, it's the why. But I do understand how that gets lost and why it's not a satisfying answer.

I actually don't have in-laws to speak of. Harrison has children, but he almost never sees them and we haven't met. He's the one who was just adopted by a family. He handled it perfectly and everybody adores him.

It's funny I feel like it's not worth doing anything if the outcome isn't going to be a reconciliation but I know that's ultimately the worst thing I could possibly do. So I carry on I will strive to be better person and not stop fighting for my wife, whether that's fighting to get back together or not. I do see love in her eyes she feels she's doing the best thing for all of us and at the moment she might be right. But in a week, month or who knows that may not be true.

There's no way to know in advance of your efforts will bring about a reconciliation, so like OtI and Ste11aeres said, there's no point in dwelling on outcomes. Think of it this way: Outcomes are shaped by efforts, yours and hers. If you still see "love in her eyes", that's a good indication that she will be willing to do her part if she sees you working diligently.

Are you absolutely clear on what she expects of you?

 

[Nisk]

Nope, not really

 

[Slithytoves]

Nope, not really

Then how are you supposed to focus your efforts? You're gonna need her to tell you what changes she needs to see. You can't do this blind.

We are talking about an NT woman, though. She has probably told you (more than once) what she's unhappy with. Maybe you can remember some of it? I can't blame you if you can't. That stuff tends to come out in moments of frustration, and if you're anything like me, you probably don't absorb information well under those circumstances.

If you think that your trouble understanding what she wants is because of your AS, then you really should explain that to her so she'll be more open to clarifying. I'm sorry this is such a mess for you.

 

[Nisk]

I'm fairly aware what she used to want me to do. And that's really the stuff I'm trying to focus on

 

[Nisk]

It can just seem fairly hopeless right now is all, it will change or I will either one will be a better solution then now

 

[Ste11aeres]

It's not exactly the same thing, but my housemate (a friend of 30 years) always complains when I do anything with other people. She says I never seem to want to go anywhere with her. The way I see it, I do things with her every day -- we just do them at home. It took me a long time to understand that she needs more than that to feel like I enjoy her company. It never would have occurred to me if she hadn't explained.

On the other hand, I stick by what I said before about the reasons for going out with other people make a simple comparison of similar actions (going to dinner with one vs. not with another) too simple. I don't really like going out much locally, so if I do it with somebody it's because either I rarely get to see them, or we have something specific to talk about with them. It's not about what we do, it's the why.

Exactly. I pretty much hate going out, so my idea of a perfect "date" with someone would be lounging around the house together.
Except I don't like most people being in my house, since I want to have a safe space for myself.
Come to think of it, I mostly only deliberately interact with other people in order to let my dog meet them. He likes meeting people.

 

[Slithytoves]

Except I don't like most people being in my house, since I want to have a safe space for myself.

One of the reasons why I do go out with people occasionally is because I don't like bringing anyone to my house. I don't like my housemate bringing anyone over, either. The place is too small, and I like keeping the house neutral and like you said, a "safe space". We make very few exceptions; usually for my own, rare out-of-town guests, since most of her family and friends are local.

This is an aside, but we also have a policy (mine, really) that we don't have family photos displayed outside of our own bedrooms. She has her clan, I have mine. Common rooms are common only. I don't like looking at people I have no real connection to framed on my mantel or walls. It makes me feel like I don't belong there.

 

[Suzanne]

I think that UNREASONABLE behaviour in us aspies can be changed when we become aware of them! Like for example: I am terrible for people disagreeing with me; I find my voice rising. That is a work on!

Nothing is too late when one wants a marriage to survive! The expression: better late than never, comes to mind.

But the marriage is about 2 people and the nt is not perfect and thus, should share in the responsibility of trying to improve the relationship. If your wife knows what is "wrong" with you, then she should, because she claims to love you, work with you on this and not demand you, alone do all the changing!

My husband is the worst kind of partner for an aspie woman! Sometimes he does things that make me have warm feelings towards him. Like: when I get excited, I fail to lower my voice when I go into the same room as him and he will smile and flap his hand down and it does help to make me aware of how loud I am being. If I am furious, he sometimes will move away, because flapping his hands would just get me more angry. He does confuse me though, because it is only sometimes he shows this kindness; mostly it is about me who is the dysfunctional one and so, should change everything.

He goes on his computer every night and has ample opportunity to learn about what aspergers is all about, but I suspect that he doesn't, because it would mean he has to look at himself and make changes, and currently, he is just not willing to do that!

There were 4 of us in his van yesterday and for once, it was great, because the two others, were females I particularly like and they treat me as though they like me. Anyway, I was avidly relating something and my husband suddenly says: so let us hear so and so's voice for once! I had to bite down hurt. Well, that lovely sister ( spiritual) said: oh no, I like it when Suzanne relates experiences, because of her excellent memory, she helps me to remember! But my husband insisted that he wanted her to have her turn and it took a lot of courage to not scream! This man says to me often: where is my wife; is she asleep? Is she not in the car? In other words: I am either too quiet or too talkative!

But to go back to you, you are being too hard on yourself!