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The stress of starting/trying to date someone

Spencer Carr

Spencer Carr

Active Member
I do not understand how people manage the dating scene sometimes. Or not even the scene, but just the idea of dating. In the past two weeks I have had three individual situations that have been something that could lead somewhere. But, just... Aren't. And I am so exhausted mentally and emotionally by these risks, the randomness of it all. I just don't know how to process what I'm supposed to do. After a year of being single, living with an ex who wants nothing to do with me in a town where I don't know anybody, having one person display interest, let alone three was a huge confidence boost. Then for all of them to just putter out, it's got me dropping so hard I don't want to go to work.

I figure maybe each scenario is different and I'm missing something, but the rub of extroverted self perception is not something I can shake. I either completely isolate or have to leave the whims of my happiness to others? I don't understand and I pretend to be an adult
 
Hi! Are you on the spectrum? If you are then maybe these three potentials didn't just fizzle out, but maybe they were ememing you? Sending you hints that were too subtle for you to pick up on?

I know it happens to me all the time. Or, used to. Now that I know I'm on the spectrum I'm alert for it and I get a second opinion whenever there is potential romance on the line.
 
Pinkie B said:
Hi! Are you on the spectrum? If you are then maybe these three potentials didn't just fizzle out, but maybe they were ememing you? Sending you hints that were too subtle for you to pick up on?

I know it happens to me all the time. Or, used to. Now that I know I'm on the spectrum I'm alert for it and I get a second opinion whenever there is potential romance on the line.
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I am on the spectrum and also bipolar, so I'm fighting a lot to figure out which thoughts are my own.

What does "ememing" mean? Mixed messaging me?
 
"Any emotional message implied or inferred (metamessage) contained within communication,
which is commonly recognised within a specific group of people or culture."

ememe - Wiktionary
 
Implying that they might being using subtext or key phrases I'm unaware of? Potentially, I assume words as written, but there haven't been any obvious code words....though I doubt idea be aware if there where.
 
Did you tell them you were living with your ex? That seems a little suspicious, to me (I mean, if I were interested in dating you).
 
Spencer Carr said:
Implying that they might being using subtext or key phrases I'm unaware of? Potentially, I assume words as written, but there haven't been any obvious code words....though I doubt idea be aware if there where.
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At least you still have your health. I am trying to be funny. I'm serious though I relate to your man. My quote-unquote best friend 15 years, supposedly misunderstood me and married me last year. Never once had sex. She manipulated the situation to where her name is on everything. all of a sudden she screaming divorce divorce divorce. when just a month ago it was I love you make sure you get me this make sure you get me that make sure you buy me this. luckily I have a good support network within Burrell mental health services. So joke is on her financial exploitation of an at-risk adult. Now that is funny.
 
GadAbout said:
Did you tell them you were living with your ex? That seems a little suspicious, to me (I mean, if I were interested in dating you).
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Living with exes is common with Asperger's. no matter how bad the relationship as long as it's familiar and you know the routine it's more comfortable than changes
 
Katrina Wolf said:
Living with exes is common with Asperger's. no matter how bad the relationship as long as it's familiar and you know the routine it's more comfortable than changes
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For years I was in therapy for attachment disorder. Once I went through all the testing and they confirmed it was Asperger's they realize that the treatment they were getting me was wrong because it wasn't attachment disorder to the person it was attachment to the familiar.
 
I would move out. I know it is scary I know it is hard. do you have an income are you on disability if you're on disability it's easier. Start making new routines routines that push you to move. also get in touch with a local service provider for mental health services ASAP. there are some really bad companies out there but there's some really good ones too.
 
GadAbout said:
Did you tell them you were living with your ex? That seems a little suspicious, to me (I mean, if I were interested in dating you).
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Everybody is aware of my status as A) Aspie. B) Polyamorous. C) living with an ex that wants nothing to do with me.
 
Katrina Wolf said:
For years I was in therapy for attachment disorder. Once I went through all the testing and they confirmed it was Asperger's they realize that the treatment they were getting me was wrong because it wasn't attachment disorder to the person it was attachment to the familiar.
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I am trying to move out, lease is up in August and that's a whole other can of worms of stress and housing an ugh. I'm not attached to living with them my ex hides on the second floor while I live in the basement. It's time to move on for both of us.
 
Katrina Wolf said:
I would move out. I know it is scary I know it is hard. do you have an income are you on disability if you're on disability it's easier. Start making new routines routines that push you to move. also get in touch with a local service provider for mental health services ASAP. there are some really bad companies out there but there's some really good ones too.
Click to expand...
I have never more do I know how to apply for any sort of disability. My current insurance is worthless and I never had the education to know how to navigate those sorts of things since I didn't get diagnosed until two years ago
 
Spencer Carr said:
Everybody is aware of my status as A) Aspie. B) Polyamorous. C) living with an ex that wants nothing to do with me.
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OK, that's 3 possible strikes against you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm trying to suggest how it may look to some of your prospective dates. I'll make the assumption they are NT, hence may not really know what Aspie entails. The poly thing is a preference and I suppose you have preselected for those that are too? But the predominant dating expectations in the US are NT, non-poly, and lives alone or with housemates (but not parents). The more you deviate from expectations, the narrower your dating pool.
 
GadAbout said:
OK, that's 3 possible strikes against you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm trying to suggest how it may look to some of your prospective dates. I'll make the assumption they are NT, hence may not really know what Aspie entails. The poly thing is a preference and I suppose you have preselected for those that are too? But the predominant dating expectations in the US are NT, non-poly, and lives alone or with housemates (but not parents). The more you deviate from expectations, the narrower your dating pool.
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Oh yeah, most definitely makes dating very complicated. Add to that the myriad of other personal preferences I understand that. Even being heteroflexible doesn't increase the dating pool enough to compensate.
The issue for me is all those hurdles are being met and jumped by these prospective partners/dates, but when I pass the baton so we can keep going... They just stand there. The lack of follow through is the issue not those things, at least not for two out of the three who I know are actively poly and live with a partner or ex themselves.
 
I'm a 41 year old overweight post-op transsexual with Asperger's and depression. My dating pool is about as small as they come. I'm not polyamorous.I'm at a real flexible I really don't care if I date a man or a woman I prefer a man. Yeah I'm happy that my pool is so small. Easier to find the right person when you don't have to swim in an ocean just a small pool.
 
I will be honest my recovery and healing comes before dating though. It has to be that way and if I stay single the rest of my life that's okay I have Asperger's I'm pretty okay with being alone.
 
Spencer Carr said:
Oh yeah, most definitely makes dating very complicated. Add to that the myriad of other personal preferences I understand that. Even being heteroflexible doesn't increase the dating pool enough to compensate.
The issue for me is all those hurdles are being met and jumped by these prospective partners/dates, but when I pass the baton so we can keep going... They just stand there. The lack of follow through is the issue not those things, at least not for two out of the three who I know are actively poly and live with a partner or ex themselves.
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I'm thinking more that there's something you're missing. Are your potential partners NTs? Because they're probably more subtle than you're wired to pick up on. I usually deal with this by being extra blunt. Sure, it's awkward, but at least I can feel confident in my choices.

GadAbout said:
Can you say more about passing the baton? What does that look like? Who lacks follow through - you, or your date?
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I second this. If you can tell us more about what's going on, maybe we can help you decipher it? Look! It's teamwork with Aspies! \(^o^)/
 
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