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The Female Wingman (Female input will be appreciated)

R

RubenX

Well-Known Member
I think this is a thread that could help many fellow Aspies out there that want to get relationships but don't know how. Every once in a while, a lonely Aspie meets a girl and the first thing on his mind is "finally, I met a girl". Almost immediately he starts making moves... trowing comments like "I like your hair" or "you are so pretty", etc. If the girl wasn't interested in anything more than friendship, this behavior will drive the girl away for sure. And the Aspie is left behind, still alone, no girlfriend and no female friend either.

I propose a different way. When a female offers you friendship, accept that friendship and treasure it like gold. Treat this female friend like the friend she is, no different that you would treat any male friend and for God's sake, don't hit on your new female friend. In time this female friend will see you are alone and this is *the* person that can help you meet other females.

There is nothing more effective than a female wingman in your corner... *NOTHING*.
 
Okay, sounds good!

Except one time I made good friends with a girl and her boyfriend got so jealous that he made her stop talking to me!

Also if I pick a girl out that I am attracted to, shouldn't I hit on her to make my intentions clear? Can I back-peddle from a potential lover to a friend?

But otherwise your plan sounds good, so thanks for sharing. :)
 
Ruben's advice is good. I met my ex-wife through a couple who I befriended. They introduced me to her and we clicked.
 
Grubby said:
Except one time I made good friends with a girl and her boyfriend got so jealous that he made her stop talking to me!
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I had a case like this. I met this girl at the office and became friends with her. She was cohabitating with a boyfriend. I met the boyfriend and became friend with him too. Once I was friends with both, the boyfriend was the first one suggesting to his girlfriend that she should help me out by introducing me to other females. I had a couple of interesting dates thanks to them.
 
RubenX said:
I had a case like this. I met this girl at the office and became friends with her. She was cohabitating with a boyfriend. I met the boyfriend and became friend with him too. Once I was friends with both, the boyfriend was the first one suggesting to his girlfriend that she should help me out by introducing me to other females. I had a couple of interesting dates thanks to them.
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Heh, the boyfriend I mentioned HATED me. Like really, he wanted me to suffer. I guess it's for the best that relationship ended anyway. :(
 
Grubby said:
Heh, the boyfriend I mentioned HATED me. Like really, he wanted me to suffer. I guess it's for the best that relationship ended anyway. :(
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I might not be an NT and I might miss most cues when they happen in front of me. But I'm helluva darn good at connecting dots after the fact. There's only one way in which a girl's boyfriend can make another male suffer. And that's if the 2nd male is interested in the girl for purposes other than friendship.

If you can't see females as PERSONS, you won't ever have a female FRIEND. And with no female FRIENDS, no female wingman, sorry.
 
RubenX said:
I might not be an NT and I might miss most cues when they happen in front of me. But I'm helluva darn good at connecting dots after the fact. There's only one way in which a girl's boyfriend can make another male suffer. And that's if the 2nd male is interested in the girl for purposes other than friendship.

If you can't see females as PERSONS, you won't ever have a female FRIEND. And with no female FRIENDS, no female wingman, sorry.
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Our relationship was strictly platonic.
 
RubenX said:
I find your lack of details suspiciously nt'ish.
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Not sure what that means. I, too, am famous for being brief. And I am an officially dx'ed aspie.
Also, I am waiting for the women to answer...Soup?
 
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RubenX said:
I might not be an NT and I might miss most cues when they happen in front of me. But I'm helluva darn good at connecting dots after the fact. There's only one way in which a girl's boyfriend can make another male suffer. And that's if the 2nd male is interested in the girl for purposes other than friendship.

If you can't see females as PERSONS, you won't ever have a female FRIEND. And with no female FRIENDS, no female wingman, sorry.
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Most (though not all) of my female friends could have dated me if they wanted to. Mainly because I look for the same things in friends and gf's. And some of those friendships lasted YEARS. So I'm sorry but I have to disagree Ruben.
 
@Grubby then he may have simply been jealous of the closeness you two shared.

@Smith you say COULD. Have you ever dated one or tried to date one and stayed friends after the relationship? and did that person ever then try to hook you up with her friends?
 
Deno said:
@Grubby then he may have simply been jealous of the closeness you two shared.

@Smith you say COULD. Have you ever dated one or tried to date one and stayed friends after the relationship? and did that person ever then try to hook you up with her friends?
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No to both. But my point was, romantic interest on my part did not kill the friendship, because I took no for an answer an genuinely liked them
 
smith2267 said:
No to both. But my point was, romantic interest on my part did not kill the friendship, because I took no for an answer an genuinely liked them
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Fair enough. But Rubens point was having a female wingman. Having interest in them is fine as long as it does not cause you to persistently pursue that interest. Better yet do not show the romantic interest at all for the sake of the wingman 'scheme', and instead just friends. I'm assuming these women never knew you were interested?

Because from my experience, when you have a friend of the opposite sex, in my case a great friend, and you show interest in that department the friendship falls apart and they are no longer useful as a potential female wingman. There are of course exceptions to this, as there are with everything, but I think this is what happens most of the time. Thinking of them as a person to befriend and not a piece of ass or potential partner is what I think Ruben meant as seeing them as a 'PERSON', and so you don't potentially scare them off, and so lose them as a potential 'wing-woman' ;)
 
Deno said:
Fair enough. But Rubens point was having a female wingman. Having interest in them is fine as long as it does not cause you to persistently pursue that interest. Better yet do not show the romantic interest at all for the sake of the wingman 'scheme', and instead just friends. I'm assuming these women never knew you were interested?

Because from my experience, when you have a friend of the opposite sex, in my case a great friend, and you show interest in that department the friendship falls apart and they are no longer useful as a potential female wingman. There are of course exceptions to this, as there are with everything, but I think this is what happens most of the time. Thinking of them as a person to befriend and not a piece of ass or potential partner is what I think Ruben meant as seeing them as a 'PERSON', and so you don't potentially scare them off, and so lose them as a potential 'wing-woman' ;)
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Well I'm no expert on relationships --obviously; I'm aspie--but I think you 2 might be wrong. I'd like to hear what Soup thinks.
 
smith2267 said:
Well I'm no expert on relationships --obviously; I'm aspie--but I think you 2 might be wrong. I'd like to hear what Soup thinks.
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Wrong about what specifically? your being quite vague. Experience has shown me this, and experience is the best teacher of all. Interested in hearing what you think is wrong.
 
I have had female friends over the years and sometimes I met other women that were their friends but I never made friends with a woman just so I could date her friends.
 
I like the idea of you cultivating some female friendships. Note that I said SOME & not ONE. if you know one woman...well...you know one woman. Without befriending several, you run the risk of generalizing based upon one single experience. We are all quite unique. We have different interests, tastes & personalities. When you do meet that 1st female friend, you cannot make her feel like you only used her so she could introduce you to some other woman. As for setting dates & timelines for sex, scrap that idea: it'll only make you reek of desperation & insincerity.

That one woman you met with the one jealous boyfriend is an exception. Some boyfriends are possessive & controlling & try to disallow a girlfriend from having any other friends male or female. A smart woman runs like the wind from that kind of a guy: she doesn't submit to his selfish unreasonable demands.

Soup the Aspie advice: DO NOT become like that guy when you do get a female friend or girlfriend. It isn't your right to monopolize all her time. DO NOT snoop through her cell phone or her Facebook messages to see who she's been talking to you: it's none of your business.

When you do meet a girl who seems interested in more than friendship, DO NOT interfere into her private business using your virginity obsession as an excuse. Virgins aren't necessarily better human beings, more moral, ethical & trustworthy & 'pure' (whatever the hell that one even means!) than anyone else. It isn't your place to judge a woman's sexual past. If you like the woman & she likes you & you share a bond & a connexion, pursue the relationship & over time, you may become sexual together.
 
I don't think my point was understood clearly. So let me rewind and start from the beginning.

Fact #1: You do not meet a random person and go to bed immediately after.

That might happen in the movies and sure, it happens to *some* people. But is not the norm, is the exception. The normal flow of things is that you meet friends, friendship evolves, people click and things happen.

Fact #2: Once we understand that most relationships are born out of friendships, is clear that the more friendships you cultivate, the more chances you will have of meeting that compatible someone.

And this is pretty straight forward. You don't get to meet people by locking yourself in a room. You make one friend, he/she introduces you to more friends, who introduce you to even more friends and so on.

Fact #3: When you don't know what to do, you ask for help.

Again, pretty basic. You are interested in somebody and want to ask the person out. But you have no idea what to do. So you ask for help and talk with your friends trying to get some ideas. Restaurant? Movie? What should I do? Whoever helps you is what I call your "wingman". A male buddy can be your wingman or a female friend could be your wingman. At this point, if you know nothing about women. Who's advice would you think will be more accurate? Advice from a male friend or from a female friend? Who do you think will know women best?

@smith2267: I don't think we disagree at all. Yes, it is possible to make a move on a friend, be rejected and still continue the friendship. Possible, but not the norm.
 
Just to add one example:

When I was planning my first date with my current GF (dinner date), she told me to pick the place. I didn't knew what to do. My male friends told me to take her to Golden Corral.... but one female friend suggested a nice & romantic Italian restaurant. Thanks God I ignored the male advice and went with what an actual woman suggested. :D
 
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