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The downfall of me

Ephraim Becker

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
When I wrote essays my hand hurt a lot because I have the habit of pressing the pen down very hard. I really hated writing that every time I was in Yeshiva Darchei Torah, I was dreaming about a school that all the writing was done on computers and the teachers were able to see everybody’s work as easily (or better) as it was with writing on worksheets.

That dream became a reality when my mother introduced me to another school, called YALA, for an interview. How it works in YALA is that everybody has an iPad and everybody’s iPad gets mirrored onto the smartboard so the teacher gets to see what everybody is doing and also mirror corrections and other stuff to the iPad. Unfortunately, all the principals left and was replaced with new principals that didn’t know that much about computers and smartboards. When I came to YALA the next year (I was coming out of 10th grade from Yeshiva Darchei Torah) I was expecting the same thing as what they did last year in YALA. I was very upset that things were going to be different than what I expected. Everybody did get an iPad, but, the teachers didn’t know how to work anything and decided to learn things the old fashioned way but let whoever wanted to use the iPad for learning was able to use it. Unfortunately, someone in my class (YALA only has one class), Yitzchok, abused the privilege with the iPad by checking his emails and Google Plus posts resulting in a lot of the class now thinking that using iPads is a waste of time and that the iPads should be used for games by recess, not for learning in class. I was very upset that Yitzchok ruined the privilege for everyone in YALA resulting in me getting angry at him and bullying him. It just wasn’t fair for me that my parents had to pay more money for tuition for YALA than in Yeshiva Darchei Torah, plus, paying more for tutors teaching me the stuff I should be learning (everybody else in YALA was doing 9th grade work while I needed 11th grade work) for every time they came, plus, YALA was much farther away than Yeshiva Darchei Torah, plus, the kids weren’t as nice to me as the boys in Yeshiva Darchei Torah were. I was thinking the least thing YALA can do is have the iPads and smartboard in the way they had it the year before I was in YALA. I became more angry at Yitzchok, resulting in giving him stitches. I was still angry with Yitzchok in Camp Kaylie the following summer. After Camp Kaylie that summer, I came home very angry and rigid.

My parents couldn’t take it anymore that they finally found a new camp for me, Camp Chaverim, and sent me there. In Camp Chaverim, I became interested in a boy in my bunk named Yaakov because he was very similar to me resulting in me befriending him and getting into friends for the first time. After Camp Chaverim, my mother picked me up happy to see that I finally got into making friends.

My parents introduced me to another school, called IVDU. Unfortunately, people started being angry with me because I did immature things in that school. I suspected that my classmates in IVDU were bullying me. Unfortunately, my parents thought it was my fault because of what I did to Yitzchok. I had enough of people in IVDU bullying me that I kept thinking about Yaakov and mentioning his name every second resulting in my classmates thinking that I’m gay.

The following summer, I went to Camp Chaverim the whole summer. Unfortunately, someone in my class, Shloime, also went to Camp Chaverim and told Yaakov everything that happened. Yaakov decided to keep his distance from me. The summer went and gone and I went back to IVDU for the next year. The same repeat of last year pretty much.

I refused to go to Camp Chaverim the following summer and instead my parents signed me up for being an Intern at Camp Kaylie. As an Intern, I work as an assistant in the computer lab. Unfortunately, two kids from my YALA class are in Camp Kaylie. One classmate, Meir, is in my Intern bunk, and the same classmate that I gave stitches to three years ago, Yitzchok, is a camper in Camp Kaylie. When I bumped into Meir, he did not say hello to me. I was thinking to myself that he forgot about me. Unfortunately, I found out that Meir has a very good memory. I asked him about YALA and he denied that he went to YALA. I kept on asking and then he admitted that he went to YALA, but that YALA is the past and that he doesn’t want to have any contact with anyone in YALA. He also said to me that “I’m not your friend and you’re not my friend” getting me very angry at him. Meanwhile, Yitzchok wants to live the past and does not want to forget about the stitches I gave him. I’m very angry that Meir has to be in my bunk. What I did before was annoy Meir about YALA reunions getting him very upset. I feel like getting Meir as mad as can be right now. I’m very mad that I can’t have a fresh start. I really want a fresh start. What should I do?
 
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Ephraim -- I have a confession to make. I looked at your post and thought 'wall of text' and went on to the next topic. Then I thought about my reaction and here I am.

This is obviously something that is very important to you, and you want to connect to somebody about it. I'm sure there are many many people on this site who can relate to your experiences. I don't know yet if I'm one of them, as I'm making a point of writing this reply before reading your post. Even though it's all connected in your mind, it helps if you break it into pieces when you write it down. Then you're less likely to scare off readers who might eventually help you out.
 
You should speak with your rebbe about this, not strangers on the internet. If it's not deemed important enough, then my suggestion is that you abide by your teachings; the best thing is to apologise to the person you attacked. Ask for their forgiveness.
 
You should speak with your rebbe about this, not strangers on the internet. If it's not deemed important enough, then my suggestion is that you abide by your teachings; the best thing is to apologise to the person you attacked. Ask for their forgiveness.
I'm not in school anymore. I'm at home on the computer all day.
 
I am another one to admit something. I am a reader, but in truth, your wall of texts was pretty overwhelming. Sorry about this, but with no paragraps, very hard to read.

I only say, because when I answer, I do like to answer throughly, but only took one part of your post and nodded my head in huge agreement and that was writing hurting you. I also have heavy hand and cannot write for long and so, perfer to type but even that can get a bit heavy, as I am now suffering from carpel tunnel. I use a stylus for my devices ie my phone and tablet and find my fingers do not get pins and needles.

So sorry for not being able to reply throughally o_O:(
 
I looked at the first couple of paragraphs and thought TL;DR and that was that

I don't read walls of text
 
I agree it would be nice to seek forgiveness for his peace of mind and your own. It cannot hurt more than Meir blatantly saying to you that he is not your friend! That was a bit harsh!

Try to reach out to the boy who you hurt and ask him to forgive you. It feels weird. I have done it. But then if things go bad, it's not on you anymore. Further, word WILL get out that you are not a bad person or a bully. Bullies don't care. You care or you would not be posting.

When we meltdown, we do a lot of things we regret. It makes it difficult to know who is the one hurt and doing the hurting and why. The difference is that if you have Autism and rage, you are usually hurt more than you are doing the hurting.

It's why I isolate now. But I am old.

Let us know how it goes.
 
Ephraim Becker

I hope those aren't the real names of
people that you know. If I were writing about
people I know online, in a forum, I wouldn't
use their full names.

First name would be plenty.
 
Tricky one this, but do apologise if you get the chance, even if you were provoked.
Presumably, the people you mentioned don't know about your condition? If not, then perhaps an explanation is in order. No need to go into a lot of detail, just that you struggle in certain areas - just name the ones that are relevant, like handling rejection, why being allowed to use an i-pad was so important to you etc. You could also consider getting some counselling to help you deal with these, and any other, issues, as they're not going to go away on their own. The older you get, the less tolerant other people will be, and you'll find yourself being fired from jobs if you keep lashing out like this, not to mention getting into trouble with the police if you land any more people in hospital.
 
Tricky one this, but do apologise if you get the chance, even if you were provoked.
Presumably, the people you mentioned don't know about your condition? If not, then perhaps an explanation is in order. No need to go into a lot of detail, just that you struggle in certain areas - just name the ones that are relevant, like handling rejection, why being allowed to use an i-pad was so important to you etc. You could also consider getting some counselling to help you deal with these, and any other, issues, as they're not going to go away on their own. The older you get, the less tolerant other people will be, and you'll find yourself being fired from jobs if you keep lashing out like this, not to mention getting into trouble with the police if you land any more people in hospital.

You nailed it. That is why I am transitioning big time back into my autism. I feel tricked by the NT world, that they said I could make it if I abided by their weird ways. I did for years to my own disaster.

Now I do what I did when I was 14. I do not talk. I rock if I please. I wear the same clothes and never change them. I do not comb my hair. I do not look people in the eye. It is so easy to be what I am . It is like realizing I am gay. I am not gay , which makes no diff......but I AM AUTISTIC and I have been living as an NT. I won't anymore and no trouble with people getting in my space. They leave me the hell alone, now. I love it.
 
Ephraim Becker , I can add to this thread in regards to difficulty in writing because of excessive force. I used to write with such strength that I had a ridge of callused skin on my right forefinger and a pad of callused skin on the second finger; this was from writing essays in the days before personal computers.That era is known as the Dark Ages.

How did I get over this habit? Two words: fountain pen. Using a fountain pen (a good one is very inexpensive) forced me to ease up on the pressure. When I write with a pencil, the same thing applies; I can't bear down on it or the lead snaps.

As the kids today say: ymmv
 
Ephraim Becker , I can add to this thread in regards to difficulty in writing because of excessive force. I used to write with such strength that I had a ridge of callused skin on my right forefinger and a pad of callused skin on the second finger; this was from writing essays in the days before personal computers.That era is known as the Dark Ages.

How did I get over this habit? Two words: fountain pen. Using a fountain pen (a good one is very inexpensive) forced me to ease up on the pressure. When I write with a pencil, the same thing applies; I can't bear down on it or the lead snaps.

As the kids today say: ymmv

I have a nice fountain pen I have not used. But they are classy. I am thinking of cracking it out. But what to do with it? No one writes anymore :-(
 
I have a nice fountain pen I have not used. But they are classy. I am thinking of cracking it out. But what to do with it? No one writes anymore :-(
I use mine for writing in my journal!

Rhodia hardcover, lined, cream-coloured pages, dark brown ink through an extra-fine nib: my thoughts deserve nothing but the best. :rolleyes:
 
I use mine for writing in my journal!

Rhodia hardcover, lined, cream-coloured pages, dark brown ink through an extra-fine nib: my thoughts deserve nothing but the best. :rolleyes:

DANG! You are making me want to crack open a journal again!! I kept one since I was 10 but then quit. it got so depressing. But new rules: Only good things ro even fake things. I read a report about Happiness. The researchers found people forget on a widespread scale. One guy forgot one of his wives!! So they were saying a good trick is to keep a diary about things you WANT, for your future, forgetful self to read. They said this actually INCREASES happiness!

Hmmm, may have had a crappy start, but I am going to be so freaking happy at the end. We all fool ourselves in one way or another. This way, I am the one doing the fooling of myself and being aware that I am doing it. HA! :-)
 
I'm not in school anymore. I'm at home on the computer all day.

No matter what or where you are now, it can be only a good thing to apologize to another person for a mistake you made earlier. It takes a real person to apologize. Even then, they may not accept your apology and that's okay. If you can actually apologize to a person and show them that you mean it for something that you did, and if you try to learn from your mistakes and not do them again, this will help you grow as a person.
 
I'm not in school anymore. I'm at home on the computer all day.
Hi Ephraim. I am not put off by your "Wall of text", so I will try to give you the best answer I can.

You seem as if you have good parents who try very hard to take care of you. One of our problems from being on the Autistic spectrum is that we do not give others the feedback that they need. From what you wrote, you clearly love them and are concerned about them. I expect your parents are feeling as if you do not care about them, because they have not gotten enough feedback from you.

Perhaps you can tell them how you feel about them? You explained what happened very well in your wall of text, if one can ignore the lack of paragraphs and length.

I think once you tell your parents how you feel about them, they will be motivated to read a print out of your wall of text. You could re-do it and leave out that you wrote it on here, if you need to. O
 
Once you have your parents on your side, you could tell them you need help to cope with the rest of the world. I read that help exists for Allistics in training to cope with the rest of the world.

One of the coping skills that I read about was how to learn to recognize people. You may or may not have that particular problem, since our exact set of difficulties may vary from one Allistic to another. It is just an example of what they work on.

Going back to school may be more successful once you have more skills to cope with others.

I am not certain whether this advice will help you, but you can think about it and pray about it to see whether you want to try it.

Best wishes. Alaska
 
If you have no direct contact with the person you hurt, you could write, sign, and date a letter and send it to the school. I'm sure they would find a way to relay the message to him, given the context of the situation. Hand written letter would be more personal than e-mail, but if you must e-mail, that might suffice since you are not at the school anymore and since that person may understandably not want to be in your physical presence.
 

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