The benefits of finding out later in life that you are an aspie

[Suzanne]

For me, I find that I am becoming more assertive when I need time out. Before, I felt very embarrassed and just coped because I felt I was being too troublesome.

Take last night. Well we celebrated the memorial of Jesus Christ and I already knew I was not going to cope very well ie noise and crowds, but what made it worse, was needing to get to our hall an hour before it started, due to my husband on parking duties. As predicted, since I had not been assigned to do anything, I felt I was in the way; but felt too shy to sit and do nothing; since it was in a small room and thus, no where to "disappear". I felt close to tears and useless and suddenly, grabbed my tablet ( android, for those who take things literally - like me lol) and got in our car and tried to breath and not to burst into tears. I did not feel embarrassed for doing that though and when I saw another beloved couple arrive, who had not been assigned to do anything, I suddenly knew it was going to be ok and it was.

Before finding out I have aspergers, I would either just sit there, feeling worse and worse, or go and sit in the car and die with shame; none of that happened.

I now say to my husband that I cannot do a full day of anything, otherwise, I will not be able to function the next day and although he is annoyed and frustrated, I do not feel shame, because he knows I am different and thus, if he chooses to not "get to know me", then that has to be his problem. Oh and believe me, I have spent my married life trying to be a good wife!

But anyway, this supposed to be a POSITIVE thread lol

 

[Sarsaparilla]

I think the biggest benefit of diagnosis is self-awareness. I can relate to the feelings of shame that you talk about. Like you, I am able to better understand why I behave in certain ways and feel less ashamed of doing what I need to do to look after myself - like making sure I take enough time out on my own when I need to.

I also am gradually freeing myself from the need to be 'normal'. I always thought if I could put on a convincing act of normality, I would eventually become socially accepted. All that happened was that I ended up beating myself up for failure and getting depressed. Now I have realised I can't measure myself by society's yardstick of how a middle aged woman should be and am starting to accept myself as I am - even starting to like myself.

 

[Aspieistj]

I was glad to learn that I am not BAD! I really have a problem and I do try to be less annoying to others. However, I am absolutely furious that I have always been handicapped and no one knew it. I would appreciate some concessions and accommodations for MY problem the way other afflicted people are granted. Not looking different results in constant misunderstanding and I am tired of apologizing for the way I was born!

 

[watersprite]

Some days are an affirmation of having begun laying down new positive thoughts and actions. Some days, despite the disgnoses and having explantion about why I have had certain struggles my whole life, (brain is still processing memories and going "oh") I still have huge problems with speaking to people. I'm almost always mystified and making often ridiculous attempts at communication, which is tiring and annoying when needing to accomplish things that require other people.

 

[Suzanne]

The frustrating part for me is when I make a witty comment ( that I have been told), the reaction is, well: wow that is two witty comments in a short period of time! It does give me a warm feeling to be complimented, but at the same time, gets me thinking; oh why can't I do it all the time?

Me too Kestrel regards to ridiculous attempts at communication! I want to hide but I don't want to hide!

 

[baz]

I received my diagnosis at 51 yrs old and although I'd spent a lifetime of knowing I was very different to other people, to finally be able to say I have aspergers and this is why I'm different felt very liberating. At last you know who you are, and I believe very strongly that once you have a diagnosis you must from that point onwards live true to yourself and basically come out from behind the mask.
initially for me I found it difficult to adjust and assumed I would have good support from the medical profession, my own experience has been very lacking in any support but eventually, by myself, I have come to accept me for who I am even though I don't necessarily like who I am I do at least accept who I am.
If nothing else, I would say to you all please do everything you can to learn about yourselves and accept you have some characteristics that others dont understand but this doesn't make you a bad person, it just means you are different. In fact me and all of you are fascinating people with so much to offer, and like you Suzanne we are definitely worthy of being a great friend.

 

[JKG]

Receiving a diagnosis at age 50 has certainly helped me explain and understand my lifelong quirks better. While there were downsides to receiving a diagnosis late, perhaps one of the upsides was being forced to make up my own set of adaptations to survive. Yes, it is a mask, a performance, but I'm glad I have it for when I need it--especially in employment situations.

Having the diagnosis is also helping me understand and accept what I can and can't change. I've been fighting with myself for so long--and failing--and then beating myself up--because I think I should be able to do some of the things that NTs find simple to do. Now I'm working on being at peace with that.

 

[Tom]

I have thought about the pros & cons. For me personally although it would have been good to know, I am glad I did not till relatively late. A diagnosis would have killed my choice of career for one thing, and it was probably better to think of myself in NT terms so as to compete without doubts. I knew I was 'different' all along. They noticed too. But I was determined to prove myself as good as they were on equal terms.

 

[James Dunn]

I was Dx earlier this year at 50 after the hospitalI was assessed as being mentally and physically retarded was putting my file on microfiche and found that it did not make sense. I have HFA and I am happy as I knew I was not retarded and was intelligent. I have an IQ of 130 and this has given me the reason why I felt different all my life and it is not Jim being Jim. It is Autism and I am proud to say I have Autism

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

This has been such a positive and refreshing thread to read...the battle of the yardsticks to measure myself and deal with how others measure me, the up and down and seemingly inevitable deathcake, the Catch-22 of understanding life backwards and still having to live it forwards. And especially the profound shock of giving up routines that somehow became a part of me from habit, and which are now entangled in my identity.

My choice of masks--I would not have developed them had I been diagnosed earlier, and in some ways I'm less comfortable when I slip into costume knowing that I'm doing that. But it helps to know when the inner self just says No, I won't go, it's not because I'm being willful, because there have been times when it's definitely not helped me in life. I'm a bit jittery in job & social situations, now, because the "reflex" is breaking up a little.

Having the diagnosis is also helping me understand and accept what I can and can't change. I've been fighting with myself for so long--and failing--and then beating myself up--because I think I should be able to do some of the things that NTs find simple to do. Now I'm working on being at peace with that.

This. Loved this. I'll be trying to hold it close, tomorrow.

 

[CloudRomy]

Absolutely relate to your post Suzanne

 

[artfull dodger]

Same here, I can now better know when I am overwhelmed. I dont always catch it, but with professional help I am much more aware of myself and my needs. I got diagnosed at 41yrs of age, im 42 now. Been a year of learning and acceptance.

 

[James Dunn]

When the psychiatrist assessed me and gave me my Dx he told me no drugs will help me. instead he told me to go and get a support group going and face my social issues head on and learn from them. No mention of professional help either just study it myself.

 

[The Penguin]

Well, someone I meet thinks I have Aspergers. After this discussion, I decided to touch base with learning disability center I use to work with in Ontario. I told them my struggles at work and they recommend Asperger's on the Job. I found it a very useful book and I would recommend it to anyone. This book helps me understand all the struggles I had in my life for employment. It made me analyzed my life to learn how I can do better. I worked out I do better self employed compared to working for a company. The reason for this, most employers are not accommodating compare to being self employed, I have greater control how I would like to work.

Some of you know I had many struggles getting support when I moved to Nova Scotia. However, if I keep letting things go, things will never get better. So I decided to stand up for myself and life been better since then.

Everyone has some form of weakness. Is trying your best to improving your skills to be a better person. Sometimes improve your skills is seeking help like I do for my business. I know I’m not the best writer and people are critical of people how they write in business. However, I found people kind enough to help me.

So its closing, learning about I might have Aspersers help me understand myself and how to better myself for life.

 

[FlowerChild]

The clean slate, hands down. When I first found out, which was only six months ago at age 24, I felt mortified at all the times I had been excluded socially and not understood why people were so mean, as I didn't realise I was doing anything wrong. From being rigid and unforgiving to always forgetting to ask 'How are you' in reply to the same question; I must've offended so many people with no intention to do so. I have so many memories of tense social situations where I was the odd one out, and I had always thought I was inherently bad, hopeless, incompetent, just a total loser. I had no clue why I felt like I was socialising in a 'bubble' that made me an outcast and filtered out the deep connections everyone else in the room seemed to have. I used to really beat myself up over it, and genuinely hated myself; my past memories quite literally tortured me, kept me up at night, ruled over my whole life, and I was too fearful to even try to socialise because I couldn't quiet the memories I already had, so why add more? Once I knew I was Aspie, I decided to forgive myself, and give myself a blank slate going forward; no more re-living all of those hellish experiences through a filter that labelled me the villain. It's like the first 25 years of hell were just washed away; I'm not religious, but I imagine this same feeling can be equated to what draws so many people to religion, the feeling of being saved and wiped clean, getting to start over fresh with love for yourself. This experience has completely changed my life for the better, and with all of that hindsight I feel so much more hopeful about both myself as an individual, and my capacity to execute friendships with all the knowledge and 'hidden weapons' I have now to deal with Aspergers.

 

[Harrison]

The only benefit was the 'aha' moment that preceeded a new life of exploring who I actually was within the aspie framework. There was relief, there were tears and great sadness at past choices and events. On the whole, finding out brought me peace.

 

[clg114]

What Harrison said.

 

[A BROUHAHA]

I'm not presently diagnosed, however one of my friends who is an aspie and has children who are autistic as well has decided not to tell them. Her logic is that her not knowing as she was growing up forced her to better her skills at imitating those around her and eliminated the possibility of her using it as a crutch.

While I can see where some may not agree with this logic I understand where she is coming from.

 

[On the Inside]

I have thought about the pros & cons. For me personally although it would have been good to know, I am glad I did not till relatively late. A diagnosis would have killed my choice of career for one thing, and it was probably better to think of myself in NT terms so as to compete without doubts. I knew I was 'different' all along. They noticed too. But I was determined to prove myself as good as they were on equal terms.

That is true for me as well, not knowing allowed me to live in blissful ignorance, while knowing I was a bit different. Had I known earlier, say in my teens or twenties, I might have retreated into my shell at a time when it was critical that I carry on without having more fears, doubts, and insecurities than I already had. I wouldn't have had the support nor the maturity to deal with it productively.

I'm better able to accept and understand them now, and as has been said earlier, I can be at peace with it and reflect on my past from a safe distance and let it go. I fear I would have had to get over a lot of anger and regret had I been diagnosed in my thirties.

 

[On the Inside]

My choice of masks--I would not have developed them had I been diagnosed earlier, and in some ways I'm less comfortable when I slip into costume knowing that I'm doing that. But it helps to know when the inner self just says No, I won't go, it's not because I'm being willful, because there have been times when it's definitely not helped me in life. I'm a bit jittery in job & social situations, now, because the "reflex" is breaking up a little.

I find now that whatever masks I once had have been stripped away for good and I am left with having to face things as they are, objectively and honestly. One of the hardest things has been to be open about my difficulties with some things at work among my colleagues. I know they thought of me as odd, standoffish, I was struggling with maintaining a veneer of unfailing competence. But I've been gradually cluing them in to some of my limitations. One mask I've definitely had to drop was that I had things all worked out.