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Social skills help for my 5 year old son

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OhBilly

Well-Known Member
Hello,

I have a 5 year old son whom my wife and I suspect is an Aspie. He doesn't have an official diagnosis but it seems clear from his behaviors that he is somewhere on the spectrum. He has difficulty in several areas but it is his lack of social skills with his peers that is most worrisome to us.

He was recently evaluated (about 4 months ago) at his preschool and he received an Individualized Instruction Program (IEP) that is intended to help him with his social skills, but it doesn't seem to have helped him any, and in fact it seems like it may have actually made it worse. When kids approach him and try to talk to him, or ask him to play, he'll typically avert his eyes and act like they aren't there, then he'll go off someplace on his own. The other day this happened when a 4 year old girl tried to engage with him; he ignored her and walked away, and a few minutes later the little girl came up to my wife and asked "Is your boy afraid of me?" It is disheartening to see him act this way and miss out on making a potential friend. We are quite worried that he is destined to be a loner kid who will be bullied to no end. It's the last thing in the world we want and we will do anything to help him.

The somewhat confusing thing is, he's typically fine socially with adults. He'll strike up a conversation with the local grocery clerk, the waitress at the restaurant or whoever... just not other kids. Albeit, the conversations he initiates with adults are sometimes a bit strange from their perspective, like telling the grocery clerk how the automatic doors in their store work using radar, or randomly telling the waitress what year Alan Shepherd made his first space flight. Or about how the gravity in the sun is so intense that it fuses atoms together. They're not the interests of your typical 5 year old, and perhaps that's why he doesn't really click with other kids. Perhaps I am somewhat to blame because those types of things are interesting to me, so I talk about them to him (I'm an engineer who also has some Aspie traits). Overall he's incredibly smart, has phenomenal reading skills and a huge vocabulary, but he can't seem to make a friend.

I guess I'm not even sure what I'm asking for here. Some advice on how to help him engage with other kids, or advice to me and my wife on how to just chill out and let him be who he is. We just don't want him to end up being a bullied loner, and of course most of all we want him to be happy.

Thanks for listening,

Bill
 
Your profile does not show where you are from. If you live in the U.S. you should contact the autism society if there is one near you and have him evaluated. If there is no autism society you should find out who is an expert in autism near you and bring your son to them. Autism research has come a long way in recent years and early intervention can make a big difference in your son's development.

Autism Society - Homepage

Since what his preschool is doing is not working you must do something different and keep trying alternatives until you find something that works.
 
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I see were your coming from he obviously gets this from you bill. So what i would do if i were you teach him how you have coped all yeah life as it seems you have autism from what you have said see if you can get any support in school or seek advice on special need setting .I have ASPERGERS myself with 2 sons and a grandson to 3 nephews and a niece so am aware of the challenging behaviours you must go throu . I also teach autistic students 5/19year old they have so much to learn and want to so feel free to ask any questions if you would like and see if i can help in anyway
 
Many persons with Aspergers get along best with persons of other age groups. This is not necessarily that bad. The important thing is that he does have important parental adults in his life who care about him. This is very important for him.
 
As I started reading your post, I was going to suggest that perhaps he was on a different learning level than the other kids, then I read on. It does not surprise me that he is of above average intelligence. This makes it difficult for him, not only because he does not have much in common with kids his own age, but also because he does not understand them. Many of the social graces practiced by others go unnoticed by Aspies. We feel awkward and intimidated, even confused as the whole world seems to speak another language.
You did good in encouraging his interest in learning. If you hadn't, he likely would have become bored and lost interest in it.
The single best thing you can do for him, is believe in him and support him. He needs to understand the difference between different, and wrong, and that he is different.
Next, you might want to check into a "Gifted and Talented" program at your school, or even an alternative learning school where the objective is not to "Fit In', but to excel at our gifts. It is both difficult and insulting when we are considering the effects of gravity on an ant, and some teacher is now asking me what one plus two is.
Third, he should be encouraged to pursue his special interests. Whatever they are, these are the only things in the world that make sense to him.
And last, you might want to see if he has an interest in any sports. Kids who are members of a sports team, tend to get different treatment than kids who are not. They also tend to have more of an interest in school, and have better grades.
Best of luck
 
There has certainly been some great advice posted on here.

I would add that there would have to be at least one other kid at his preschool who shares at least one of his interests. If you can find that one treasure of a child, and it might even be the girl who tried to engage with him, if they become a little more comfortable with each other. I think one friend his own age, a lot of adult friends and even some older kids is all that he needs for the moment. When he gets older, his peer group will be mature enough to share his interests and understand his Asperger's, as has happened to me, but of course, in preschool Asperger's is a very hard thing to explain.

At the age of five, I was almost exactly like your son - what you describe seems to be the classic Aspie preschooler - and things have indeed worked out well for me, and I only started to get a diagnosis when I was twice his age, so the earlier the better.

You're very lucky to have such a wonderful little boy. I would have loved to have had him as a friend when I was at kindergarten.
 
You all have given me excellent advice, and I appreciate the time you took to do so. He has been evaluated, in one form or another, on a handful of occasions but as of now he hasn't been given a diagnosis. So far everybody that has evaluated him has called him "borderline", but we are attempting to get a referral to a more qualified doctor in the hopes of getting things progressing a little better.

Other than his interests in science and technology, he really enjoys music and dancing and we have encouraged him to pursue that. He just recently took a preschooler "hip hop" dance class and he loved it. They had a public recital with several hundred people in the crowd and he did just great and loved every minute of it. He also has somewhat of an interest in playing T-ball so he will be giving that a try this summer.

He loves to read and we have books spread all over the house to encourage him and his little brother. Many times when he goes to bed he'll grab a book and a flashlight and read until he falls asleep. He's a great little boy and I have a gut feeling that things are going to work out well for him.

Thanks again for all of your help and encouragement. In the coming weeks I'll probably be spending a bit more time around the forums here.

Cheers,

Bill
 
I would have loved to have had a mom like this. This young man actually has a chance.
Christian T said:
There has certainly been some great advice posted on here.

I would add that there would have to be at least one other kid at his preschool who shares at least one of his interests. If you can find that one treasure of a child, and it might even be the girl who tried to engage with him, if they become a little more comfortable with each other. I think one friend his own age, a lot of adult friends and even some older kids is all that he needs for the moment. When he gets older, his peer group will be mature enough to share his interests and understand his Asperger's, as has happened to me, but of course, in preschool Asperger's is a very hard thing to explain.

At the age of five, I was almost exactly like your son - what you describe seems to be the classic Aspie preschooler - and things have indeed worked out well for me, and I only started to get a diagnosis when I was twice his age, so the earlier the better.

You're very lucky to have such a wonderful little boy. I would have loved to have had him as a friend when I was at kindergarten.
Click to expand...
 
OhBilly said:
You all have given me excellent advice, and I appreciate the time you took to do so. He has been evaluated, in one form or another, on a handful of occasions but as of now he hasn't been given a diagnosis. So far everybody that has evaluated him has called him "borderline", but we are attempting to get a referral to a more qualified doctor in the hopes of getting things progressing a little better.

Other than his interests in science and technology, he really enjoys music and dancing and we have encouraged him to pursue that. He just recently took a preschooler "hip hop" dance class and he loved it. They had a public recital with several hundred people in the crowd and he did just great and loved every minute of it. He also has somewhat of an interest in playing T-ball so he will be giving that a try this summer.

He loves to read and we have books spread all over the house to encourage him and his little brother. Many times when he goes to bed he'll grab a book and a flashlight and read until he falls asleep. He's a great little boy and I have a gut feeling that things are going to work out well for him.

Thanks again for all of your help and encouragement. In the coming weeks I'll probably be spending a bit more time around the forums here.

Cheers,

Bill
Click to expand...

Your description of his personality does not seem like borderline to me. I would go with him being on the spectrum.

My son expressed an interest in music very early and we enrolled him in Suzuki violin lessons. It was the best thing we could have done for him. He is 17 now and a virtuoso violinist. Right now he is in a prestigious violin summer camp with some of the best violin masters in the country as teachers. It is very common for aspies to have unique musical talents. You should think about having him take some music lessons. It is never too early. My son started before his fourth birthday and it was obvious from the start he had natural music gifts.
 
Loomis said:
Your description of his personality does not seem like borderline to me. I would go with him being on the spectrum.

My son expressed an interest in music very early and we enrolled him in Suzuki violin lessons. It was the best thing we could have done for him. He is 17 now and a virtuoso violinist. Right now he is in a prestigious violin summer camp with some of the best violin masters in the country as teachers. It is very common for aspies to have unique musical talents. You should think about having him take some music lessons. It is never too early. My son started before his fourth birthday and it was obvious from the start he had natural music gifts.
Click to expand...

It sounds like your son has some incredible talent, and I'm sure you are very proud of him. Our son has expressed a bit of interest in learning music (mostly wind instruments) but he seems to be more interested in dancing at this point. May not be a bad idea to let him explore both of them and let him see what he likes.
 
i would keep fighting for him to get diagnosed i did and my son was 3 at the time he was diagnosed he is 16 now
 
OhBilly said:
Hello,

I have a 5 year old son whom my wife and I suspect is an Aspie. He doesn't have an official diagnosis but it seems clear from his behaviors that he is somewhere on the spectrum. He has difficulty in several areas but it is his lack of social skills with his peers that is most worrisome to us.

He was recently evaluated (about 4 months ago) at his preschool and he received an Individualized Instruction Program (IEP) that is intended to help him with his social skills, but it doesn't seem to have helped him any, and in fact it seems like it may have actually made it worse. When kids approach him and try to talk to him, or ask him to play, he'll typically avert his eyes and act like they aren't there, then he'll go off someplace on his own. The other day this happened when a 4 year old girl tried to engage with him; he ignored her and walked away, and a few minutes later the little girl came up to my wife and asked "Is your boy afraid of me?" It is disheartening to see him act this way and miss out on making a potential friend. We are quite worried that he is destined to be a loner kid who will be bullied to no end. It's the last thing in the world we want and we will do anything to help him.

The somewhat confusing thing is, he's typically fine socially with adults. He'll strike up a conversation with the local grocery clerk, the waitress at the restaurant or whoever... just not other kids. Albeit, the conversations he initiates with adults are sometimes a bit strange from their perspective, like telling the grocery clerk how the automatic doors in their store work using radar, or randomly telling the waitress what year Alan Shepherd made his first space flight. Or about how the gravity in the sun is so intense that it fuses atoms together. They're not the interests of your typical 5 year old, and perhaps that's why he doesn't really click with other kids. Perhaps I am somewhat to blame because those types of things are interesting to me, so I talk about them to him (I'm an engineer who also has some Aspie traits). Overall he's incredibly smart, has phenomenal reading skills and a huge vocabulary, but he can't seem to make a friend.

I guess I'm not even sure what I'm asking for here. Some advice on how to help him engage with other kids, or advice to me and my wife on how to just chill out and let him be who he is. We just don't want him to end up being a bullied loner, and of course most of all we want him to be happy.

Thanks for listening,

Bill
Click to expand...


My 4 year old sounds similar to your child. He always has gotten along better with adults than other children. He is hit or miss with other kids. If you feel he needs help I would get him help. We struggled for about a year before we finally got our son therapy, and overall its been helpful. When he was evaluated we found out he has ASD. He is extremely smart but struggles socially a bit. Good luck.
 
When I read your post bill it sounded just like my 5 yr old roger he also in an avid reader and will talk to any adult about his interests he is a memorizer and asked a woman at the store if she had transvagial mesh,bladder mesh,pelvic sling or bladder sling in the last 5 yes she should call 1-800 bla,black,bla. I think u let them be who they are, we love our a spy but he so funny and smart, he doesn't like kids much and has a short fuse we just pray that him growing and some future counciling for anger will help, we just keep on keeepin on:)
 
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