So I tantrumed and broke my phone

[Neri]

Confession time. I'm writing this on my laptop, which I'm not so used to doing, because I lost my beep and threw my phone across the room and smashed the screen last Tuesday. You would think that by 51, I would have grown out of such childish tantrumy behaviour, but evidently, I'm not. I was having a, particularly, bad hayfever day (I'm now taking an antihistimine that actually works, but, it makes me really tired, all the time) and I was trying to fill out the digital background health history form for my naturopathic ADHD treatment and things weren't going smoothly, to say the least. I've suffered from "Tech rage" in the past and used to throw my phone a lot more, but it's been a few years since I've done that. I also shouted a lot (luckily no one else was here, but, my neighbors would've heard) and my voice was shot for hours.
On the up side, I did get it done, and the appointment went really well.
It made me realise that stresses had really built up and I wasn't even fully aware of how everything was piling on top of me and how close I was to cracking.

I think having a technology break has probably been good for me, but having no phone is a weird, disconcerting experience, in this day and age. I know I need to make some serious changes to my lifestyle and I am, but certain supports are not in place yet, and that is wearing on me.

Having said that, I realise how fortunate I am that I am eligible as a recipient for said supports. But all in all, things are challenging. I'm in a transition phase and I think that can be particularly challenging, for us Autists. I'm maintaining my sanity with a handicraft project and hanging out with my SO. I'm just super flat and in limbo. Hopefully getting a new phone in the next couple of days.

 

[Levitat0r]

Well, lots of people lose their patience, it's just that autistic people are encouraged to pathologize it and it seems like a bad idea. There are people who do incredibly dumb things, and they don't call it a "tantrum" or a "meltdown". I've put my elbow clean through a door before; and my excuse is that I was angry about being the target of violence and political harassment. Some people do a lot worse than that, and they're not even diagnosed with anything.

I suspect this terminology is motivated by nosy people who want you to feel safe telling your business, and it's inherently not that safe. I do it because I'm miserable and I have nobody to talk to. Paging Dr. Hypocrates, right?

 

[Levitat0r]

I did joke about some such melty thing earlier, but it was more faith-motivated. I felt more like God was ticked off, and I was telling it, and it came out kind of chaotic and wild-sounding. Oh well.

 

[Neri]

Well, lots of people lose their patience, it's just that autistic people are encouraged to pathologize it and it seems like a bad idea. There are people who do incredibly dumb things, and they don't call it a "tantrum" or a "meltdown". I've put my elbow clean through a door before; and my excuse is that I was angry about being the target of violence and political harassment. Some people do a lot worse than that, and they're not even diagnosed with anything.

I suspect this terminology is motivated by nosy people who want you to feel safe telling your business, and it's inherently not that safe. I do it because I'm miserable and I have nobody to talk to. Paging Dr. Hypocrates, right?

I know what you mean about pathologising things. My SO is very disapproving of that and tells me frequently. I get it. But pathologizing is in context to the suffering it's addressing, or else it might be excusing oneself for lame behaviour. I don't really excuse myself. It was a tantrum, or a 'meltdown" or "extreme disregulation" and I'm not going to let myself off the hook. I'm going to try to be more self aware and I realise I need to learn some more skills. I do have compassion though. I understand myself enough to see how far I've come, in my maturing, and how far I have to grow. I think compassion is born of understanding; "Know Thyself", and Love. If nothing else, our own negative behaviour gives us valuable information about what we need to work on. I have poor tech communication skills and that impacts, and I've got to learn how to calm myself, instead of losing my self control. I've come a long way, in that regard, but not far enough.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry to read about your phone. Sounds like you have thought this out, so that's taking responsibility.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Confession time. I'm writing this on my laptop, which I'm not so used to doing, because I lost my beep and threw my phone across the room and smashed the screen last Tuesday. You would think that by 51, I would have grown out of such childish tantrumy behaviour, but evidently, I'm not. I was having a, particularly, bad hayfever day (I'm now taking an antihistimine that actually works, but, it makes me really tired, all the time) and I was trying to fill out the digital background health history form for my naturopathic ADHD treatment and things weren't going smoothly, to say the least. I've suffered from "Tech rage" in the past and used to throw my phone a lot more, but it's been a few years since I've done that. I also shouted a lot (luckily no one else was here, but, my neighbors would've heard) and my voice was shot for hours.
On the up side, I did get it done, and the appointment went really well.
It made me realise that stresses had really built up and I wasn't even fully aware of how everything was piling on top of me and how close I was to cracking.

I think having a technology break has probably been good for me, but having no phone is a weird, disconcerting experience, in this day and age. I know I need to make some serious changes to my lifestyle and I am, but certain supports are not in place yet, and that is wearing on me.

Having said that, I realise how fortunate I am that I am eligible as a recipient for said supports. But all in all, things are challenging. I'm in a transition phase and I think that can be particularly challenging, for us Autists. I'm maintaining my sanity with a handicraft project and hanging out with my SO. I'm just super flat and in limbo. Hopefully getting a new phone in the next couple of days.

It is so hard honestly I can throw my phone too and other objects when I am sick of them and lose them after it. I have done it without even noticing it
And I can drop my phone on my face and it really hurts when I do.
It is so hard without tech and I slept 8 hours without it and felt so much recharged and relaxed. But the lack of connection and speed of everything wears you down if you give it up especially for an isolated person who needs to buy online.
I need 8 hours and everything in my life slowed down but I cannot not sleep.
I felt so much better and much more human.
I miss my sleep. I really needed it. It feels like the dark ages without it.

Hope you do better.

 

[Levitat0r]

I know what you mean about pathologising things. My SO is very disapproving of that and tells me frequently. I get it. But pathologizing is in context to the suffering it's addressing, or else it might be excusing oneself for lame behaviour. I don't really excuse myself. It was a tantrum, or a 'meltdown" or "extreme disregulation" and I'm not going to let myself off the hook. I'm going to try to be more self aware and I realise I need to learn some more skills. I do have compassion though. I understand myself enough to see how far I've come, in my maturing, and how far I have to grow. I think compassion is born of understanding; "Know Thyself", and Love. If nothing else, our own negative behaviour gives us valuable information about what we need to work on. I have poor tech communication skills and that impacts, and I've got to learn how to calm myself, instead of losing my self control. I've come a long way, in that regard, but not far enough.

Well, I agree that self-awareness is good, but I don't think frustration should be regarded differently depending on who you are, because everybody loses their patience. Again, the guy who got into a fight frequently was just angry, and nobody says he had a "tantrum". It's discriminatory to act like it's different, when it's not. I've had times where I needed to lock myself in my vehicle and scream my head off, but I'm not going to say I had a "tantrum". There was self-control involved, or I wouldn't have locked myself somewhere somewhat soundproof.

 

[Levitat0r]

Ok. So, after becoming a victim of terrorism and political violence, sometimes I spout off at the mouth to get intense anger out. But I would argue that's more about life circumstances than anything else. And like I said, that guy who beat me up to keep my rent deposit; I bet he's never been diagnosed with anything; not even with being a jerk, because that behavior fits the norm.

 

[Neri]

Well, I agree that self-awareness is good, but I don't think frustration should be regarded differently depending on who you are, because everybody loses their patience. Again, the guy who got into a fight frequently was just angry, and nobody says he had a "tantrum". It's discriminatory to act like it's different, when it's not. I've had times where I needed to lock myself in my vehicle and scream my head off, but I'm not going to say I had a "tantrum". There was self-control involved, or I wouldn't have locked myself somewhere somewhat soundproof.

That's ok. I'm not extending the judgement to anyone else. I call what I did a tantrum. I can say it in a lighthearted way, and I did, to my support worker. She just said "Oh well, you were having a lot of problems with your phone, anyway". Which I was, but, it really really immature of me to throw it and it"s inconvenienced me a lot. If I feel shame about it, it's probably valid and there to motivate me to not behave like that again. I may be autistic, but I can still work on myself to overcome immature reactions and responses, even though it seems to take me a VERY long time to mature. One thing I can do is see things in a clear way and not give myself an out, just because I'm autistic. I have to work a lot harder, perhaps, than NT people my age, to act in mature ways., because I'm wired in a way that predisposes me to mature extremely slowly, and, at the same time, to be a bright and deep personality (maybe that's my soul though?) but my brain was built with a propensity for extreme emotional disregulation and certain learning difficulties and so I have had to work so very hard to overcome this and still, I do stupid stuff like break my phone because I didn't even realise how stressed and overloaded I was until it was too late.

 

[Levitat0r]

That's ok. I'm not extending the judgement to anyone else. I call what I did a tantrum. I can say it in a lighthearted way, and I did, to my support worker. She just said "Oh well, you were having a lot of problems with your phone, anyway". Which I was, but, it really really immature of me to throw it and it"s inconvenienced me a lot. If I feel shame about it, it's probably valid and there to motivate me to not behave like that again. I may be autistic, but I can still work on myself to overcome immature reactions and responses, even though it seems to take me a VERY long time to mature. One thing I can do is see things in a clear way and not give myself an out, just because I'm autistic. I have to work a lot harder, perhaps, than NT people my age, to act in mature ways., because I'm wired in a way that predisposes me to mature extremely slowly, and, at the same time, to be a bright and deep personality (maybe that's my soul though?) but my brain was built with a propensity for extreme emotional disregulation and certain learning difficulties and so I have had to work so very hard to overcome this and still, I do stupid stuff like break my phone because I didn't even realise how stressed and overloaded I was until it was too late.

It's a very strange place to be. Self-acceptance means the opportunity to make sense out of rejection and related chaos. It means being kind to yourself. It means being careful not to let yourself off the hook. It means feeling silly because you don't want to confuse yourself for someone who is disabled, and some are very much so. It's strange being on a spectrum, but then the notion of intelligence was always supposed to be a spectrum, so it shouldn't be that new.

I think best of all, though, will be the opportunity to reach out to those worse off, like a friend of mine whom I used to know did, who is diagnosed, and who decided to become a counselor for others. I thought that was maybe the most respectable thing I've ever heard him do, and I'm disappointed it's taken me this long to realize how joyful it could be to use my own experience to discover how someone worse off sees the world, and then to help them out. I finally perceive it as the two-way street we should have expected it to be, as a way to connect with someone else in a unique way and see new things both inwards and outwards.

 

[Misty Avich]

I've threw my phone before when I was horribly triggered on the other forum I used to go on. I was lucky it didn't break. I wished I could throw my phone at the bullies there. Or a brick.
Anyway, I understand how you feel. With autism or ADHD or other neurological disorders it can be harder to control our emotional reactions to things, regardless of age.

 

[Rodafina]

@Neri
Sounds like something to definitely discuss with your new ADHD care provider. Throwing your phone is certainly a tangible indication of the amount of distress you are enduring trying to function and figure everything out.

Glad you can be introspective about this and take some lessons and have some realizations that will help you. When I've done something destructive, I like to try to do those things, too. Hopefully some helpful relief is just on the horizon for you and positive change is coming soon.

Even though this is the reason you've been away from the forum for a bit - glad to hear from you as I'd been wondering where you'd been!

 

[Neri]

@Neri
Sounds like something to definitely discuss with your new ADHD care provider. Throwing your phone is certainly a tangible indication of the amount of distress you are enduring trying to function and figure everything out.

Glad you can be introspective about this and take some lessons and have some realizations that will help you. When I've done something destructive, I like to try to do those things, too. Hopefully some helpful relief is just on the horizon for you and positive change is coming soon.

Even though this is the reason you've been away from the forum for a bit - glad to hear from you as I'd been wondering where you'd been!

I have an appointment with my gp tomorrow for a referral to an ADHD specialist psychiatrist (online). Hopefully gonna try some meds that will help. I have been given some herbs, herbal tincture, to complement and support too. I have an appointment with my psychologist on friday too.

It's good to be having a break from all the sneezing. That was really wearing me down. I just don't get to move like I need to. I really need some serious, regular exercise and I'm waiting for my NDIS but now that I broke my phone, that isn't going to be happening until I get another phone. I just can't seem to motivate myself to exercise, like I need to, by myself. It's summer here and extremely hot and muggy. I'm making a lot of progress on my home made hoodie jacket for grand daughter. I embroidered some beautiful flowers on the front that I.m really happy with. Small silver linings.

 

[Rodafina]

I have an appointment with my gp tomorrow for a referral to an ADHD specialist psychiatrist (online). Hopefully gonna try some meds that will help. I have been given some herbs, herbal tincture, to complement and support too. I have an appointment with my psychologist on friday too.

It's good to be having a break from all the sneezing. That was really wearing me down. I just don't get to move like I need to. I really need some serious, regular exercise and I'm waiting for my NDIS but now that I broke my phone, that isn't going to be happening until I get another phone. I just can't seem to motivate myself to exercise, like I need to, by myself. It's summer here and extremely hot and muggy. I'm making a lot of progress on my home made hoodie jacket for grand daughter. I embroidered some beautiful flowers on the front that I.m really happy with. Small silver linings.

Sometimes that small speck of silver in the sky is just enough to keep us going through all the hardship. Your post is a beautiful example of how sometimes good and bad are all mixed into one.

Not too long ago, I came upon this golden lining and found it really uplifiting.

 

[Streetwise]

Confession time. I'm writing this on my laptop, which I'm not so used to doing, because I lost my beep and threw my phone across the room and smashed the screen last Tuesday. You would think that by 51, I would have grown out of such childish tantrumy behaviour, but evidently, I'm not. I was having a, particularly, bad hayfever day (I'm now taking an antihistimine that actually works, but, it makes me really tired, all the time) and I was trying to fill out the digital background health history form for my naturopathic ADHD treatment and things weren't going smoothly, to say the least. I've suffered from "Tech rage" in the past and used to throw my phone a lot more, but it's been a few years since I've done that. I also shouted a lot (luckily no one else was here, but, my neighbors would've heard) and my voice was shot for hours.
On the up side, I did get it done, and the appointment went really well.
It made me realise that stresses had really built up and I wasn't even fully aware of how everything was piling on top of me and how close I was to cracking.

I think having a technology break has probably been good for me, but having no phone is a weird, disconcerting experience, in this day and age. I know I need to make some serious changes to my lifestyle and I am, but certain supports are not in place yet, and that is wearing on me.

Having said that, I realise how fortunate I am that I am eligible as a recipient for said supports. But all in all, things are challenging. I'm in a transition phase and I think that can be particularly challenging, for us Autists. I'm maintaining my sanity with a handicraft project and hanging out with my SO. I'm just super flat and in limbo. Hopefully getting a new phone in the next couple of days.

You are probably perimenopausal, the fluctuation in hormone levels is not easy.

Try just putting down the phone or closing your eyes.

It's an addiction if: you can't cope without it and its damaging to any sentient being who is in a certain distance.

Try doing something that you can't destroy, like walking,the stress you feel will lessen if you sleep,rest your eyes or walk

 

[Kayla55]

Gosh, I've had meltdowns and broken stuff my whole life. Spent few years finding peace to avoid meltdowns and it worked. But from time to time sparks fly if my wrong buttons are pushed.
Phone is a cost, ouch. Must try break cheaper stuff

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Something that I have been working on and still have not mastered is putting in a thinking pause between a trigger and response. Just the other day when working a thorough cleaning of my pellet stove I had my head inside the ash chamber trying to put the shutter back on the igniter chamber under the burn pot without damaging the ignition coil, being filthy and cutting my wrist on sharp edges when I raised my voice to my spouse without thinking as she asked a question. I do not like acting that way. It makes me feel out of control.

 

[Chailatte_]

You are not alone! Once, out of frustration, I threw a stick of butter from the fridge (yes, the butter, exactly the greasy one, a 400g butter). Of course, then I got even angrier because the kitchen was dirty! The floor wanted to cry, and I started crying over the butter spilled on the floor. Yes, now I laugh about it and think of it with affection (it was before the diagnosis). I have a real road rage (you know the bodybuilders?), another episode: I was learning to ride a motorcycle, and I wasn't doing great with balance. Parking it and putting down the stand, it fell right in front of my house. My grandmother rushed down because I was cursing, and she came down to tell me that a girl should ride a scooter or a Vespa, and so on. Out of anger and frustration, I lifted it off the ground (Kawasaki Z300, about 150kg) - me: 160cm x 50kg. My grandmother turned pale. That's why I try to manage my anger. THE END.

 

[marc_101]

Sorry about the episode and the phone. Don't have much to say that others have not said, expect to add that no matter how old I am and how much I have learned, I still have shutdowns. I don't throw things except mentally at myself. Self-awareness helps but only so much... Also, cell phones are replaceable....

 

[Levitat0r]

I'm sure that someone would judge you terribly for admitting you suffer from anger regardless of whether you manage it better than a world full of brutality. But whatever. I already understand people are going to believe what they want about you and I don't care. I have too much faith to worry about that.

I often feel like I'm done being judged upstairs, and it's just the rest of the world that's finalizing its tally depending on how it treats others. It's a pretty ugly total from where I'm standing.