Should I stay on this forum and keep posting or should I go and disappear from the web? I am just really despondent about the disappointments I’ve had to go through this year so far and I still don’t have a girlfriend. I fear my life is set in stone despite my attempts to change things and love will never enter my life.
By staying, I feel you will learn from many going through the same frustrations as you, and you will get support there, and you can pick up some helpful advice in the forum that you have not thought of before, and that you have not tried before.
I was recently diagnosed with High Functioning Autism (Autism Spectrum Disorder), and I was like you in many ways, as it was not until my thirties even that I started dated. I learned a lot through those times alone, through much self-analysis, analysis of others in relationships, and through studying people.
And I learned much even through the failed dating attempts, dating experiences, and from now the long-term marriage relationship I have been in.
I would like to sum up a few basics of what I learned, through those relationship attempts, failures and/or successes.
(1) It's harder to find a friend or date if one cannot be regularly seen or heard in a positive way.
Go to a combination of specific places (in the public, through the internet, at home, etc.) that interest you, and where you feel most yourself. When you talk to those others there through in-person, writing and/or phone, focus on doing and sharing the things you enjoy and are good at, more so than trying to be places you cannot stand, or talking about many negatives. Otherwise, you will meet more persons not compatible to you or that will avoid or shun you.
Everyone has real or perceived negatives, but those with friends and in successful relationships often do not advertise these more than they have to, as they know it's a turnoff and not very constructive, if that other wants to be around persons that can mostly show that other more positive side. Talking problems is good for support and advice, but not too helpful when communicating with potential mates.
(2) These days, 'Dating,' and even that specific term alone, creates too much stress for many persons, especially those with conditions or less experiences there, or that had more perceived failures there. The more anxiety and stress or fear one shows because of such, the less opportunities that will occur, if those others see or sense that.
Focus less on trying to find a date, and more on just trying to learn more about many persons to see if any could be a match, in terms of personality, interests, abilities and/or relationship needs. See a successful relationship as often like more of a step-by-step progression, going from strangers, to acquaintances, to friendship, and only then to some physical relationship (short or long term) if the other feels the same too. Being too pushy or jumping over those steps rarely creates longer term success.
(3) Once one is friends with another, and if the other sees them as one too, after each showed a regular pattern of friendly reciprocal efforts, interest and likeness for the other over time, do not assume the other wants more than friendship, and especially if they have not hinted at or stated wanting more than that. They may either just need more time, or be not interested at more than friendship.
(4) Initiation though needs to occur at some point, for at least one of the two, to go from being a friend (if that was the case first) to some other relationship. There will be pros and cons of that. Rejection could occur, or acceptance of that one's wishes, depending on the interest and fit for more than friendship.
If one does not want to lose that friendship, I would not initiate wanting more than that unless that other suggested or hinted at wanting more than that, as t could adversely affect the friendship, or lead to its end. Usually if the other friend is interested, in some type of other relationship after adequate time as friends elapsed, they should initiate hints at that or state an openness to that wanting more.
This is because these days, no longer do things happen always the traditional ways as in the past. More women are working outside of the home, and more men are working in the home. More men are being the caregivers, and more women are being assertive. Whether anyone likes these changes or not, it is opening the door for more opportunities for both genders, and it allows more to be themselves.
(5) Too little of confidence and negativity turns off most potential friends and dating others, unless the other had strong empathy skills and helping desires, but extreme confidence, namely arrogance, turns off usually the nicer persons. It turned me off; I know that. Try to find that right balance.
If you need to get more healthy confidence, or think more positively, you may need to research how best to do that, in the ways best for you. Putting forth that effort and then acting there to achieve should not only make you healthier and happier, but it will go along way then to creating more opportunities for you.
(6) Focus on your efforts, and learning from your mistakes, experiences or perceived failures, instead of focusing on the results. Great, or regular efforts, almost always will result in better results, than lesser efforts or if one had repeated the same mistakes, if the efforts were a part of realistic, step by step plan.
Once you have the energy, belief and motivation to follow a goal or dream, and ability to adapt to blocked paths or changes along the way, it's far easier to reach our goals and get our needs fulfilled in life.
(7) Find some positive from every real or perceived bad experience you had/have. And visualize daily often positive things about you, and positive outcomes of bad experiences to replace those real experience failures.
Having Autism or some condition can be very hard, yes, but with the right attitude, effort, medical help, support, direction, we all can find happiness I feel, and define success in our own ways too.
(8) As positive as I am, I am a realist, so one should never assume relationships are mostly good than bad, or that they are as glamorous or exciting as advertised. For many persons, many find happiness, but many others found their relationship experiences as overrated, or less satisfying than expected.
Perhaps they just did not find the right person, or they just feel that relationships are too much effort.
So, the final point I would like to make is,
(9) Do not settle for anyone. You could have much more anxiety and stress with taking on their daily problems, and because of any lack of compatibility.
If you think your problems are many now, they could be magnified if abuses and neglect occurs in the relationship, and if pressure is on you to change or to work somewhere you cannot to support the spouse, or if you are expected to do things you cannot.
And if divorce occurs, or if children are involved, any failed relationship could be unbearable there for these reasons too. So, relationships are not for everyone, as many find more peace and less responsibility being alone, or if you have not found the right someone it may be better to find other happiness until that compatible other is found.
