Sexual Attraction

[christiaan LeGrand]

Huge issue that I've never really confronted ...

... 100% serious. I cannot for the life of me discern beauty, be it female or male. I'm saying this. .... it all looks the same. I was married 11 years. I'm perfectly happy with a heterosexual partner that loves and respects me. I didn't have that.

I have two children. I'm open to any loving person, but I'm fearful of the repercussions, should that person end up being a male.

Feeling trapped. Unequipped. ... a gay relationship would KILL my father.

I bet my siblings wouldn't be surprised.

 

[Aspychata]

So sorry. You shouldn't feel bad about feelings you have despite your father's false expections. I grew up in an openly gay city.

 

[tree]

Huge issue that I've never really confronted ...

... 100% serious. I cannot for the life of me discern beauty, be it female or male. I'm saying this. .... it all looks the same. I was married 11 years. I'm perfectly happy with a heterosexual partner that loves and respects me. I didn't have that.

I have two children. I'm open to any loving person, but I'm fearful of the repercussions, should that person end up being a male.

Feeling trapped. Unequipped. ... a gay relationship would KILL my father.

I bet my siblings wouldn't be surprised.

You're saying that you had a heterosexual marriage
that no longer exists? And that now, if your feelings
were reciprocated by another person, regardless of
biological sex, you'd be willing to enter into another
partnership?

But you're anxious that the reality of you having a
homosexual relationship would destroy your father?
Whereas your siblings have indicated that they didn't
think you were what might be termed a super straight
arrow in the first place?

Do you have either a boyfriend or girlfriend, at this time?
Any one you have your eye on?
Or just speculating/hypothesizing on what might be?

 

[_eri_bellehumeur]

I know this is a lot easier to say than it is to actually do, but at the end of the day, you don't owe your parents anything, and certainly not your right to be happy.
Do you know about the spectrum model of sexuality? I think you'll find you are not alone in your feelings.

Honestly, I can not imagine having a child and loving them, but then turning my back on them or thinking about them any differently because of something as stupid as who they love. If people care about others, and how they're living makes them happy and is not actively harming others (genuinely harming, not just offending because they don't like what they're doing) I don't see any reason why they wouldn't want that for the people they care about.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

i met someone who supposedly called me cute,then said that she knows me from somewhere & somehow months later,years probably,i ended up being attracted to her,but i never fantasized about her.

 

[Thinx]

It's your life, and although I really hope it wouldn't 'kill' your dad, that does give an idea of the amount of internalised homophobia you've been up against from your upbringing.

Think of it another way: maybe it would liberate your dad from his fears and enable him to become a more open and less judgemental person. You can give him this gift. I say, go for it.

Anyway, it's up to you when you would want or need to tell your dad. I never told mine, after I finally surmounted the repressive homophobia of my 60s childhood and managed to recognise I was gay, and non binary.

The first hurdle is coming out to yourself, as bisexual or gay or whatever we may be. Sounds like you are starting to do that.

 

[OkRad]

I am very glad you wrote this. I have the same issue. I don't see it and it has had serious consequences in my own life. We are not alone. I know an Aspie guy with food dripping down his shirt all the time, just doesn't see it and I don't see it on him! Hahaha. But someone else would be like, "MY GOD MAN!"

But we are animals and in the wild, who would have cared? In our naked origins, there would not even be a shirt to catch some food particles. I do believe a lot of these things are evolutionary glitches. Our species learned "what is beautiful" through a long process of artificial artifacts (clothes, make-up, beard styles, etc) and it keeps changing. Last centuries hotties would be today's laughing stock.

So if you already have a delay on important things, like Aspies often do, well, how the heck am I also supposed to be up to speed on what is beautiful, how to feed myself, how to survive, how to socialize AND what is needed for sexual selection ,etc.

Read up on Evolutionary Psychology. It doesn't tend to make any inroads into treatment. I did read an interesting report on Eating Disorders and Evolutionary explanations. I will link that.

My point is, I am sure it's complicated between ASD genes, gut microbes, mirror neurons, evolution, etc....And you are not alone

Eating Disorders: An Evolutionary Psychoneuroimmunological Approach

 

[christiaan LeGrand]

You're saying that you had a heterosexual marriage
that no longer exists? And that now, if your feelings
were reciprocated by another person, regardless of
biological sex, you'd be willing to enter into another
partnership?

But you're anxious that the reality of you having a
homosexual relationship would destroy your father?
Whereas your siblings have indicated that they didn't
think you were what might be termed a super straight
arrow in the first place?

Do you have either a boyfriend or girlfriend, at this time?
Any one you have your eye on?
Or just speculating/hypothesizing on what might be?

I'm not in any kind of relationship now. I don't have a particular prospective partner either. I've just never come to terms with who I am in this regard. I've been this person as long as I can remember. My first intimate relationship as a kid was with a boy and since then it's been with girls and women, but if I'm completely honest with myself, they can appear equally attractive.

I just wonder if this aspect of my personality is related to my shortcomings in recognizing physical signs of communication, for example. Is this more common with HFA people?

I've never shared this aspect of my personality in any forum, ever. It's strange to consider it a "coming out" as it has always been something I've known in my life, but just never felt compelled to express to anyone until now, as I'm tossed back into the mix for the first time since my 30s.

 

[christiaan LeGrand]

It's your life, and although I really hope it wouldn't 'kill' your dad, that does give an idea of the amount of internalised homophobia you've been up against from your upbringing.

Think of it another way: maybe it would liberate your dad from his fears and enable him to become a more open and less judgemental person. You can give him this gift. I say, go for it.

Anyway, it's up to you when you would want or need to tell your dad. I never told mine, after I finally surmounted the repressive homophobia of my 60s childhood and managed to recognise I was gay, and non binary.

The first hurdle is coming out to yourself, as bisexual or gay or whatever we may be. Sounds like you are starting to do that.

My father has lived in a Los Angeles community with a very active gay population. He and my stepmom are friends with many gay people - his wife works in the fashion industry.

It's one thing to be cool with unrelated people being in a homosexual relationship - but I think it would be an entirely different thing if it was his only son.

It may never come to pass that I should find myself in a gay relationship that gets to that place where it's time to introduce the family. I guess I'm wondering if it's better to "let the cat out of the bag" now, rather than drop a bomb on them later, should it happen.

Thanks Everyone for your replies. Greatly appreciated.

 

[Aspychata]

Feel deeply humbled that you felt safe coming out on this forum and letting us in. Some people will accept and embrace you. Some people will be closed minded little rats who troll you. Just carefully come out and be true to yourself.

 

[Fino]

Kinda of an odd thing to worry about. If there's truly no difference between genders and being with a man would cause problems, then don't be with a man. There are plenty of women. There must be some incentive to being with a man. Perhaps that incentive is a pleasure you won't admit. Perhaps you prefer men.

 

[christiaan LeGrand]

Kinda of an odd thing to worry about. If there's truly no difference between genders and being with a man would cause problems, then don't be with a man. There are plenty of women. There must be some incentive to being with a man. Perhaps that incentive is a pleasure you won't admit. Perhaps you prefer men.

That's a good point and a thought I've definitely had. I guess it would be in the specific case that I spontaneously become very attached and I guess what is considered "in love" with someone. I think that would be an outlier situation, but is still a possibility. For clarification, I can find both men a women physically attractive. I may be somewhat asexual however, because their physical beauty doesn't immediately provoke sexual desire, not that I don't enjoy sex. I don't connect well with either gender, which is no doubt a theme for aspies, but I imagine that I would connect somewhat better, emotionally, with a similarly empathic man than a woman.

Thanks for you comment.

 

[christiaan LeGrand]

Feel deeply humbled that you felt safe coming out on this forum and letting us in. Some people will accept and embrace you. Some people will be closed minded little rats who troll you. Just carefully come out and be true to yourself.

Thank you so much for you kind words. My kiddos are with mom, who recently relocated to the east coast. I can't recall a time in my life when I've had this much opportunity for self-reflection. Life had been a day-to-day fight for decades. Going back and replaying my life has been super helpful - and it's time I really came to grips with who I am - who I've always been. I'm a little terrified reading back over my posts, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw an email notification that you replied. The thought "holy ____, I came out on the forum!" When I then recalled it.

It's all good. ... I think I'll just casually give enough hints by being myself around friends and family that it eventually won't be a question. I really don't feel a need to go around specifically to tell people "hey, i have something I want to tell you ..." at this stage of my life, if people discover it, fine. Cool. They probably will when I let the "what a bombshell!" out when a gorgeous man walks by.

 

[christiaan LeGrand]

I am very glad you wrote this. I have the same issue. I don't see it and it has had serious consequences in my own life. We are not alone.

Eating Disorders: An Evolutionary Psychoneuroimmunological Approach

Hey, thanks a lot for your post. Nice to, for the first time in my life, say this about myself, and have someone relate to me. That means a lot. I'm very grateful too. C.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

So sorry. You shouldn't feel bad about feelings you have despite your father's false expections. I grew up in an openly gay city.

not ever.it would even kill people amongst my friends who are potential homophobes,except for one.he would give me all of his support if i were bisexual,as well as people amongst my family (mother,brother).i'll even go for @Mars26 any day,as well as female aspies,especially out of fear of being disowned by people amongst family (mother,brother),as well as friends.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

Huge issue that I've never really confronted ...

... 100% serious. I cannot for the life of me discern beauty, be it female or male. I'm saying this. .... it all looks the same. I was married 11 years. I'm perfectly happy with a heterosexual partner that loves and respects me. I didn't have that.

I have two children. I'm open to any loving person, but I'm fearful of the repercussions, should that person end up being a male.

Feeling trapped. Unequipped. ... a gay relationship would KILL my father.

I bet my siblings wouldn't be surprised.