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Selective mutism: help please

TouhouFan28

TouhouFan28

Member
I have selective mutism. I just cannot hold conversations properly, talk to people properly, or talk in general. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, and I'm okay with being by myself; but I feel a little guilty that I'm being rude. I wouldn't announce my arrival, I would decline food offered to guests at gatherings, I wouldn't say goodbye before leaving, my greetings are usually very short, I would often times just nod, shake my head, or talk using a single word or expression. (Oohh, yes, no, okay are the most common). Even at my big age, when my parents are around, they would usually speak for me.

Here's a sort of conversation I had a few days ago:
"Heyy Touhoufan28, nice to see you!"
"Thanks"
"What role are you doing for the play?"
"The spotlight"
"Important role huh?"
*nods*

Sigh. Socializing has always been a huge obstacle for me. Not only can I not maintain eye contact, I avoid being physically close, I talk really softly and I'm always short-spoken. I remember studying and mentally taking note of charismatic people. I've tried "putting myself out there" by volunteering at theatres but I've just reverted back to the same habit of avoiding every social situation. I feel like if I tried something new, nothing will change. So I need some advice. Sometimes' I wish that everybody in society was assigned friends but that would be weird LOL!
 
that sounds quite isolating, I'm sorry it's troubling you. I definitely don't think you need to feel guilty for "being rude" it doesn't sound to me like you are.

True to form, I have questions before I respond

it's interesting that your post is eloquently written and I'm wondering if written communication feels easier for you than spoken? did it take you a long time to draft your post or did it flow naturally like other people speak?

when you say that you give one word answers is that because that covers everything that you feel needs to be said at that time?

when you let people speak for you is that a relief or frustrating? does it feel like they are accurately saying what you would say if you were speaking for yourself?
 
TouhouFan28 said:
I have selective mutism. I just cannot hold conversations properly, talk to people properly, or talk in general. Sometimes it doesn't bother me, and I'm okay with being by myself; but I feel a little guilty that I'm being rude. I wouldn't announce my arrival, I would decline food offered to guests at gatherings, I wouldn't say goodbye before leaving, my greetings are usually very short, I would often times just nod, shake my head, or talk using a single word or expression. (Oohh, yes, no, okay are the most common). Even at my big age, when my parents are around, they would usually speak for me.

Here's a sort of conversation I had a few days ago:
"Heyy Touhoufan28, nice to see you!"
"Thanks"
"What role are you doing for the play?"
"The spotlight"
"Important role huh?"
*nods*

Sigh. Socializing has always been a huge obstacle for me. Not only can I not maintain eye contact, I avoid being physically close, I talk really softly and I'm always short-spoken. I remember studying and mentally taking note of charismatic people. I've tried "putting myself out there" by volunteering at theatres but I've just reverted back to the same habit of avoiding every social situation. I feel like if I tried something new, nothing will change. So I need some advice. Sometimes' I wish that everybody in society was assigned friends but that would be weird LOL!
Click to expand...
I have run across a handful of people like this as a university instructor and clinical mentor at the hospital... mentally very intelligent, have got the grades, but this is "healthcare" and you simply cannot be this withdrawn... so they never make it through their respective therapist, nursing, or medical programs. It's a rough go at life because opportunities come and go... and if you aren't willing or able to grab those opportunities, life passes you by. It is also frustrating for other people around you that are trying to pull you out of your shell, trying to get you to share information, trying to get you to express some interest.

I am sure there are plenty of reasons why individuals find themselves in this situation from a psychological and psychiatric perspective (symptoms)... but my scientific side is always looking at causes. What laid down and reinforced those neural pathways? From a neuro-anatomical perspective, that's what it really is... connectivity and conductivity. Unfortunately, like many of us, those neural pathways are laid down from trauma and PTSD... often from malicious behavior of other people towards us. The brain is designed for "survival"... and it will try to protect us from harm by either "fight or flight"... and if it is "flight" then it creates ways for "avoidance behavior". There is safety from getting hurt by people if you just avoid them... simple enough. However, you live in a world where you are also supposed to be responsible, accountable, dependable, trustworthy... not only for yourself, but other people. You have to boldly face up to life's obstacles in your way... push them aside or knock them over. You can be none of those if you're so withdrawn you can't function.

Now, there are ways to break that cycle of behavior, but I am thinking, in cases like this, you might need some professional guidance here. Psilocybin therapy with meditation has been a great help for me... but in your case, I might be inclined to get some help here. You've got a lot more going on than I do. You need to deal with your s**t in a "safe space" where you can open up, bring it up to the surface and face it with someone. The psilocybin is a good tool if used at the right time... it accelerates the neuroplasticity needed for behavior change, but it also can erase the old, "bad" neuro pathways if the "good" neuro pathways are reinforced in the "integration period" after the medication. There are centers that specialize in this type of therapy scattered throughout the US and abroad.
 
monkeyclogs said:
that sounds quite isolating, I'm sorry it's troubling you. I definitely don't think you need to feel guilty for "being rude" it doesn't sound to me like you are.

True to form, I have questions before I respond

it's interesting that your post is eloquently written and I'm wondering if written communication feels easier for you than spoken? did it take you a long time to draft your post or did it flow naturally like other people speak?

when you say that you give one word answers is that because that covers everything that you feel needs to be said at that time?

when you let people speak for you is that a relief or frustrating? does it feel like they are accurately saying what you would say if you were speaking for yourself?
Click to expand...
1. Yeah, i'm pretty much always on the internet so written communication is always easier. It helps that it's behind a screen. It didn't take long for me to write it maybe 5 minutes? It flowed naturally.

2. Yeah pretty much. That and also I just don't know what to say. I'm really not that curious on other people's lives.

3. When people speak for me it feels a bit embarrassing. I'm very forgetful so usually my mother would remember the stuff and respond to them.
 
Neonatal RRT said:
I have run across a handful of people like this as a university instructor and clinical mentor at the hospital... mentally very intelligent, have got the grades, but this is "healthcare" and you simply cannot be this withdrawn... so they never make it through their respective therapist, nursing, or medical programs. It's a rough go at life because opportunities come and go... and if you aren't willing or able to grab those opportunities, life passes you by. It is also frustrating for other people around you that are trying to pull you out of your shell, trying to get you to share information, trying to get you to express some interest.

I am sure there are plenty of reasons why individuals find themselves in this situation from a psychological and psychiatric perspective (symptoms)... but my scientific side is always looking at causes. What laid down and reinforced those neural pathways? From a neuro-anatomical perspective, that's what it really is... connectivity and conductivity. Unfortunately, like many of us, those neural pathways are laid down from trauma and PTSD... often from malicious behavior of other people towards us. The brain is designed for "survival"... and it will try to protect us from harm by either "fight or flight"... and if it is "flight" then it creates ways for "avoidance behavior". There is safety from getting hurt by people if you just avoid them... simple enough. However, you live in a world where you are also supposed to be responsible, accountable, dependable, trustworthy... not only for yourself, but other people. You have to boldly face up to life's obstacles in your way... push them aside or knock them over. You can be none of those if you're so withdrawn you can't function.

Now, there are ways to break that cycle of behavior, but I am thinking, in cases like this, you might need some professional guidance here. Psilocybin therapy with meditation has been a great help for me... but in your case, I might be inclined to get some help here. You've got a lot more going on than I do. You need to deal with your s**t in a "safe space" where you can open up, bring it up to the surface and face it with someone. The psilocybin is a good tool if used at the right time... it accelerates the neuroplasticity needed for behavior change, but it also can erase the old, "bad" neuro pathways if the "good" neuro pathways are reinforced in the "integration period" after the medication. There are centers that specialize in this type of therapy scattered throughout the US and abroad.
Click to expand...
I've never heard of psilocybin, nor psilocybin therapy. I'll definitely research it! Thank you.

Yeah, that's what i'm really concerned about. Success comes from charisma and people skills. Can't really get that if you're practically invisible LOL!
 
TouhouFan28 said:
1. Yeah, i'm pretty much always on the internet so written communication is always easier. It helps that it's behind a screen. It didn't take long for me to write it maybe 5 minutes? It flowed naturally.

2. Yeah pretty much. That and also I just don't know what to say. I'm really not that curious on other people's lives.

3. When people speak for me it feels a bit embarrassing. I'm very forgetful so usually my mother would remember the stuff and respond to them.
Click to expand...
1. really pleased to hear this. you have a preferred communication style then. :) if it flowed naturally then maybe it's is not so much not knowing what to say, maybe more processing stuff thrown at you whilst in company?

2. they are probably more curious in you than expecting you to be curious about them? if they're not they probably value your silence as someone to talk at. ;) your example sounds like typical small talk exchange to me. small talk is hard!

3. I hate it when people respond for me because they rarely say what I actually want to say exactly how I would say it. It just complicates communication difficulties further for me. I think they do it out their own discomfort with silence, that's a them problem not you.

you mentioned behind a screen and I'm wondering if part of the problem is the stress of environment and peopling? Apparently I communicate better when driving or walking ie. side by side. could you do an experiment to see if the problem is the same if you're both looking in the same direction not at each other?

also have you ever tried to have an in person text conversation? my partner discovered I text better than I talk so if I start to shut down we just continue the conversation via text. it slows the conversation down and takes away the pressure. it's a lot less frustrating for both of us! there's still some facial expressions exchanged but they're not mixed in with the words.
 
I hear you. I don’t know if this counts as selective mutism, but I have a strong preference towards written communication (texting or Discord messaging) than speaking on the phone.

I do speak verbally in real life, but have days where I don’t feel like saying anything and will just text my friends all day.
Some days I won’t shut up, but some days I have nothing to contribute.
And some days I want to be left alone overall and won’t even text anyone. My partner is an exception, I always talk to him, but sometimes I don’t have much to say to him either and just communicate with spending quality time, cuddling, etc

I wonder if this has to do with feeling burnt out or having a low “social battery.”
 
Lou Laurinen said:
I hear you. I don’t know if this counts as selective mutism, but I have a strong preference towards written communication (texting or Discord messaging) than speaking on the phone.

I wonder if this has to do with feeling burnt out or having a low “social battery.”
Click to expand...

Me too...guilty as charged. And sometimes I don't think I have that battery to be recharged.
 
Lou Laurinen said:
I do speak verbally in real life, but have days where I don’t feel like saying anything and will just text my friends all day.
Some days I won’t shut up, but some days I have nothing to contribute.
And some days I want to be left alone overall and won’t even text anyone. My partner is an exception, I always talk to him, but sometimes I don’t have much to say to him either and just communicate with spending quality time, cuddling, etc

I wonder if this has to do with feeling burnt out or having a low “social battery.”
Click to expand...
This sounds a lot like me, except I dont have a choice and have to be bubbly and talkative, part of my work is organizing people, problem solving, explaining my vision to the boss, and giving new ideas... So yeah, when I come home sometimes I just crash and sleep for 2h to get some energy back.
The only person who doesn't drain me atm is my boyfriend, he even recharges me sometimes, but even with him sometimes, as you said, I just want to have this cozy safe time when I can just be quiet while he yaps :D
 
Tired said:
What exactly do you notice? Like small eye movements, color or what?
Click to expand...
I know I sound like I'm crazy, but the patterns on the iris can be quite distracting ir the little veins on the eye. [A very autistic thing to say] Also, the face moves an awful lot, I like to look something on the face or next to it that doesn't move as much as the area around the eyes. The movement often derails me instantly or even makes me forget what I was thinking.
 
vergil96 said:
I know I sound like I'm crazy, but the patterns on the iris can be quite distracting ir the little veins on the eye. [A very autistic thing to say] Also, the face moves an awful lot, I like to look something on the face or next to it that doesn't move as much as the area around the eyes. The movement often derails me instantly or even makes me forget what I was thinking.
Click to expand...
Hm okay, may I ask what about the class, for example? If I remember correctly you're a professor. When you look at the class and see all those moving bodies with heads arms, legs, fingers etc constantly moving, is that also too distracting and you have to focus on one thing or that movement which distracts you works only for faces?
 
Tired said:
Hm okay, may I ask what about the class, for example? If I remember correctly you're a professor. When you look at the class and see all those moving bodies with heads arms, legs, fingers etc constantly moving, is that also too distracting and you have to focus on one thing or that movement which distracts you works only for faces?
Click to expand...
Students are surprisingly sleepy or fucused during classes. If there is a more physically dynamic topic of the lab, it does drain me at the end of the day. I also "talk to the screen" while presenting on the computer, check works and solve problems on the board a lot.
 
velociraptor said:
Everything. If I have to maintain eye contact I see their body language and then I can see all their microexpressions, one-shoulder shrugs, etc.
Click to expand...
Hm well I see that too, but it just ads to the whole "this person is saying and feeling likethis" picture. It's all the info helping me to communicate better with a person, that's why I hate phone calls - can't see a person, can't know when to talk etc.
 
Tired said:
It's all the info helping me to communicate better with a person
Click to expand...
Have you tried doing it when their mouth is telling you one thing and their body is telling you the exact opposite and you're one of those people who has trouble not being bluntly honest?
 
velociraptor said:
Have you tried doing it when their mouth is telling you one thing and their body is telling you the exact opposite and you're one of those people who has trouble not being bluntly honest?
Click to expand...
Except the last part, I can control myself from outbursts, but it gets harder with age :)
 
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