Scripts

[Ylva]

NTs are fond of smalltalk. They call it social bonding. I feel like scripting is better. It's not quite as meaningless chit-chat. Still repetitive and predictable.

 

[icesyckel]

I've thought about this subject quite a bit. I talk endlessly on subjects that interest me, which is fairly common with the ND. Perhaps NT's small-talk is just them doing the same thing only with a wider range of subjects (presuming they are interested in a wide range of subjects)? Maybe that is why it comes more easily to them whereas I have to memorize facts about sports or the news to fill in awkward silences?

 

[King_Oni]

And then it dawned upon me... it's not that I hate small talk by definition. But reading this " Still repetitive and predictable." makes me realize why I'm not good in communicating with people. I don't want repetition. I want people to provide me with new information I actually care about. That makes it not repetitive and not predictable (or at least, a lot less).

Also, the social bonding thing; perhaps I never understood it in general. How could I even dare to bond over idle chitchat about the weather? I could bond and become friends if someone was telling me something about a hobby of mine, that actually brings this person and myself closer together and more interested for a repeat to meet again.

The big issue I've actually ran into when it came to small talk with certain people is that it ended up in "but you don't really care do you?"... I doubt scripting will make it look more sincere and genuinely interested. And seemingly there are people who just expect you to be sincere (though telling them you're not interested is the wrong answer as well,lol).

 

[Ylva]

There are people who say they are "only" autistic about sports, to convey that they are really interested in sports and memorise sports trivia. It is interesting that it's okay for them to be really interested in something, but once I take a deep interest in something it's pathological. I'm reminded of that experiment where actors admitted themselves to mental hospitals, and couldn't get back out no matter how sane they behaved.

I can smalltalk about wheather if I can "script" about the blizzards that saved Russia from German invasion, the typhoons that saved Japan from Chinese invasion, and whether or not to give mild wheather male names. (Come on, NTs quote stuff too.)

 

[icesyckel]

I'm reminded of that experiment where actors admitted themselves to mental hospitals, and couldn't get back out no matter how sane they behaved.

I can smalltalk about wheather if I can "script" about the blizzards that saved Russia from German invasion, the typhoons that saved Japan from Chinese invasion, and whether or not to give mild wheather male names. (Come on, NTs quote stuff too.)

Now if talking about an experiment like the one you referenced can constitute "small talk," then I am good to go, because that is actually interesting. I can't do the weather. I don't care about weather. If it rains, then it rains - what does it matter? If a tornado is coming, then I just want to know whether I should take shelter.

I cope with "small talk" (which to me is pretty much anything I am not interested in talking about) by trying to find a parallel topic that I am interested in that doesn't completely change the topic. Like how you shift a dull weather conversation to something more interesting like weather's impact on history. Problem is, I'm not terribly good at it, and I think most people see what I am doing. It does surprise me that people can get upset because I changed the topic of conversation away from weather.

 

[King_Oni]

Now if talking about an experiment like the one you referenced can constitute "small talk," then I am good to go, because that is actually interesting. I can't do the weather. I don't care about weather. If it rains, then it rains - what does it matter? If a tornado is coming, then I just want to know whether I should take shelter.

I cope with "small talk" (which to me is pretty much anything I am not interested in talking about) by trying to find a parallel topic that I am interested in that doesn't completely change the topic. Like how you shift a dull weather conversation to something more interesting like weather's impact on history. Problem is, I'm not terribly good at it, and I think most people see what I am doing. It does surprise me that people can get upset because I changed the topic of conversation away from weather.

Well, as long as you keep it somewhat related to the weather, hah.

I just know that a conversation like that for me would go from weather to rules of a boardgame.

 

[Ylva]

And then it dawned upon me... it's not that I hate small talk by definition. But reading this " Still repetitive and predictable." makes me realize why I'm not good in communicating with people. I don't want repetition. I want people to provide me with new information I actually care about. That makes it not repetitive and not predictable (or at least, a lot less).

Also, the social bonding thing; perhaps I never understood it in general. How could I even dare to bond over idle chitchat about the weather? I could bond and become friends if someone was telling me something about a hobby of mine, that actually brings this person and myself closer together and more interested for a repeat to meet again.

I don't know why they feel bonded over it, maybe it's just having had the experience of talking peacefully. I read about someone who got over his stagefright after having had a lucid dream in which he gave a flawless stage performance.

The big issue I've actually ran into when it came to small talk with certain people is that it ended up in "but you don't really care do you?"... I doubt scripting will make it look more sincere and genuinely interested. And seemingly there are people who just expect you to be sincere (though telling them you're not interested is the wrong answer as well,lol).

Maybe they just want predictability. It's hard to tell sometimes, but if all the things they loathe or get condescing about when it comes to autistics are really just things they dislike about themselves, that would explain a lot.

Be creative with tonal patterns, seems to be the main trick to make it sound unscripted. And they have their scripts which they apparently like, so why can't I get a little imaginative about it? Not that I relax enough around most people to do that anymore. Wonder if it is possible to reverse that.

 

[icesyckel]

It's actually kind of tough to find something parallel to the weather, which may be why my efforts have been so transparent in the past. My wife gets pissed with me sometimes. She'll be talking about how she loves a band I have never heard of, and I will try telling her how much I love a different band, which I think is pretty close, but then she will say that I "hijacked the conversation." Still, every now and then I find a parallel topic that I can get on that flies under her radar.

This reminds me of an episode of the IT Crowd where Moss and Roy try to fit in with a group of jocks at a pub by using scripted sports jargon (e.g., "Did you see that ludicrous display last night?") that doesn't require any actual sports knowledge. It worked until Roy ended up accidentally robbing a bank with them.

 

[Ylva]

It's actually kind of tough to find something parallel to the weather, which may be why my efforts have been so transparent in the past. My wife gets pissed with me sometimes. She'll be talking about how she loves a band I have never heard of, and I will try telling her how much I love a different band, which I think is pretty close, but then she will say that I "hijacked the conversation." Still, every now and then I find a parallel topic that I can get on that flies under her radar.

This reminds me of an episode of the IT Crowd where Moss and Roy try to fit in with a group of jocks at a pub by using scripted sports jargon (e.g., "Did you see that ludicrous display last night?") that doesn't require any actual sports knowledge. It worked until Roy ended up accidentally robbing a bank with them.

That sounds pretty awesome. Except the bank robbery.

I think maybe she wants you to talk about the same band. If someone talks about ABBA, I usually inform them that abba means father in Old Aramaic. If pushed further I can also let them know that I think "put on your white sombrero" should be the standard break-up line.

 

[icesyckel]

That sounds pretty awesome. Except the bank robbery.

Best TV comedy ever. Also, I suspect Moss is on the spectrum. Roy is just awkward in a NT way.

I think maybe she wants you to talk about the same band. If someone talks about ABBA, I usually inform them that abba means father in Old Aramaic. If pushed further I can also let them know that I think "put on your white sombrero" should be the standard break-up line.

No question you are right - that is what she wants. I can even manage it sometimes. The problem is that the last band was "Lorde." Some French chick, I think. That I can't remember even that for certain tells you how successful I was at paying attention. I think I responded with a comment about U2, which we both like. I should've discussed Lorde, but.... meh.

Also, sometimes I try asking questions. "What do you like about Lorde?" "What is Lorde's genre?" "Whos is the lead singer?" She catches on, though, to my "active listening."