Sad (alone, jobless, and living in my parent's house)

[elgat0verde]

I am alone, jobless and living in my parent's house once more.

I feel very misunderstood and hated by these people that abused me all my life, I suspect they know I have autism and did everything in their power for me to act normal and fit "the mold"

I haven't found any job that I can do that does not involve a lot of people interaction, I am not good at that and even phone calls give me extreme anxiety. Before I became unemployed, I worked at a customer service place, and it was a complete nightmare.

I am in a small Mexican town in which people are very ignorant about mental health issues. Growing up I was the town's "weirdo" and still am, used to go outside for walks and would jam to my music playing the imaginary bass and people just took videos and pictures and posted them everywhere to make fun of me. So now I just spend my time indoors out of fear of being made fun of.

I am desperate, I am lonely, I am very depressed.

A year and half ago I had moved out of this house and this town and was doing well, I was married to a very abusive woman tho who doesn't let me see my children and talks badly to them about me. All I've known in my life is emotional manipulation and abuse.

Looked for many girlfriends and was in many relationships but ended up messing them up. Instead of breaking up like a normal person would, I would become super jealous, so they would break up with me because I did not know how to handle that.

Turned to alcohol in my 20s to fill the void with being unloved by my own parents and family, put on a million masks to "fit in" until now that I know what I have and have decided to embrace it and live with it.

Realizing my diagnosis of autism has opened up my mind too much, about the abuse endured from people who couldn't accept a boy and now a man who is not "normal" like their friend's kids. They always preferred my sister who doesn't have any symptom and submitted my autistic traits through abuse, they made me put on a mask to hide everything so people would not talk.

Right now I am so hopless that I don't know if I want to continue with this, i've published my music in sites, but I am too introverted to promote it and I have closed all my social media outlets because my family spies on them just to check that I am not talking dirt about them.

They are horrible, narcissistic people and I regret ever being adopted by these people. As of late, I think about why my real parents don't want me, why they never looked for me or asked how I was doing.

I've put myself in a very bad position due to a very stupid rash decision

I just want a job that I'll enjoy doing, being a radio DJ would be nice and perfect for me, but that's unattainable in this stupid town because all they play is crappy regional Mexican music. There is a lot of ignorance here and people treat me like a weirdo everywhere I go and act like they are better than me, they act like they are better than everyone and just talk about how much money they have and the places they've visited and show off their stupid clothes.

Wish I could CTRL - X myself and paste myself in a nice place with cool weather and a job I'd enjoy, not this narcissistic hot stupid little mexican town.

Don't know why I was put in this situation by god, she must really hate me with all her guts.

 

[All-Rounder]

There's nothing wrong with you, you are wired differently from other people and people can behave very mean in some areas, up to doing extreme things like filming, spitting at people who they heard x and y about and don't know. Some people are particularly animalistic and driven by emotion and not judgement, interested in having fun at some unknown people's expense. But there is worse, people who consume your sanity like your abusers and act like parasites upon a person.

While these stalkers have been filming you, how about you film your stalkers and hostile people and document their behaviour. They might not do the same things on camera and chill out.

 

[Slime_Punk]

they act like they are better than everyone and just talk about how much money they have and the places they've visited and show off their stupid clothes.

Not to undermine what you're going through, but this sounds like most neurotypicals to me.

We seem to have quite a bit in common, as I feel as though I could've written 90% of that post in my lifetime as well. The only difference is that at some point I realized that I was feeding into other peoples' BS by trying to wear masks so I just stopped. Obviously it was a gamble, but people treat me like a human now. I consider myself lucky in this regard though, because it could've obviously gone super sour as we can't control what other people do -- and I've heard my share of horror stories in this scenario, too. Therefore I can't recommend it, either.

All I can say is I hope you can hang in there and find independence again, in whatever form that takes. As I always say, living with parents into adulthood usually brings out the worst in everybody. I'd probably rather do terrible things to myself than go through that again, because some people are way more bearable from a distance.

 

[elgat0verde]

There's nothing wrong with you, you are wired differently from other people and people can behave very mean in some areas, up to doing extreme things like filming, spitting at people who they heard x and y about and don't know. Some people are particularly animalistic and driven by emotion and not judgement, interested in having fun at some unknown people's expense. But there is worse, people who consume your sanity like your abusers and act like parasites upon a person.

While these stalkers have been filming you, how about you film your stalkers and hostile people and document their behaviour. They might not do the same things on camera and chill out.

Thank you, but I'd rather stay in. People in my country are very violent and live by "toxic masculinity" and I don't feel like getting into a fist fight because that scares me.

Furthermore, I get so lost in my own little world that I don't even notice people filming me until I hear my adoptive nmother talking about it with her friends.

Honestly I'm tired

Why can't I just disappear?

 

[elgat0verde]

Not to undermine what you're going through, but this sounds like most neurotypicals to me.

We seem to have quite a bit in common, as I feel as though I could've written 90% of that post in my lifetime as well. The only difference is that at some point I realized that I was feeding into other peoples' BS by trying to wear masks so I just stopped. Obviously it was a gamble, but people treat me like a human now. I consider myself lucky in this regard though, because it could've obviously gone super sour as we can't control what other people do -- and I've heard my share of horror stories in this scenario, too. Therefore I can't recommend it, either.

All I can say is I hope you can hang in there and find independence again, in whatever form that takes. As I always say, living with parents into adulthood usually brings out the worst in everybody. I'd probably rather do terrible things to myself than go through that again, because some people are way more bearable from a distance.

I am working on getting my masks off as well but it's hard because there's always that little voice of my parents in my head telling me "it's wrong"

Even harder when you're alone and seeking acceptance from a world that sees you as a circus freak just because you don't follow their rules.

I am trying hard to climb over these dark clouds but am getting very tired, the ladder just keeps getting longer and my steps start getting weaker.

 

[trustinnerwisdom]

I am alone, jobless and living in my parent's house once more.

I feel very misunderstood and hated by these people that abused me all my life, I suspect they know I have autism and did everything in their power for me to act normal and fit "the mold"

I haven't found any job that I can do that does not involve a lot of people interaction, I am not good at that and even phone calls give me extreme anxiety. Before I became unemployed, I worked at a customer service place, and it was a complete nightmare.

I am in a small Mexican town in which people are very ignorant about mental health issues. Growing up I was the town's "weirdo" and still am, used to go outside for walks and would jam to my music playing the imaginary bass and people just took videos and pictures and posted them everywhere to make fun of me. So now I just spend my time indoors out of fear of being made fun of.

I am desperate, I am lonely, I am very depressed.

A year and half ago I had moved out of this house and this town and was doing well, I was married to a very abusive woman tho who doesn't let me see my children and talks badly to them about me. All I've known in my life is emotional manipulation and abuse.

Looked for many girlfriends and was in many relationships but ended up messing them up. Instead of breaking up like a normal person would, I would become super jealous, so they would break up with me because I did not know how to handle that.

Turned to alcohol in my 20s to fill the void with being unloved by my own parents and family, put on a million masks to "fit in" until now that I know what I have and have decided to embrace it and live with it.

Realizing my diagnosis of autism has opened up my mind too much, about the abuse endured from people who couldn't accept a boy and now a man who is not "normal" like their friend's kids. They always preferred my sister who doesn't have any symptom and submitted my autistic traits through abuse, they made me put on a mask to hide everything so people would not talk.

Right now I am so hopless that I don't know if I want to continue with this, i've published my music in sites, but I am too introverted to promote it and I have closed all my social media outlets because my family spies on them just to check that I am not talking dirt about them.

They are horrible, narcissistic people and I regret ever being adopted by these people. As of late, I think about why my real parents don't want me, why they never looked for me or asked how I was doing.

I've put myself in a very bad position due to a very stupid rash decision

I just want a job that I'll enjoy doing, being a radio DJ would be nice and perfect for me, but that's unattainable in this stupid town because all they play is crappy regional Mexican music. There is a lot of ignorance here and people treat me like a weirdo everywhere I go and act like they are better than me, they act like they are better than everyone and just talk about how much money they have and the places they've visited and show off their stupid clothes.

Wish I could CTRL - X myself and paste myself in a nice place with cool weather and a job I'd enjoy, not this narcissistic hot stupid little mexican town.

Don't know why I was put in this situation by god, she must really hate me with all her guts.

Online DJ - then you can be indoor as my friend does, she is a DJ in Second Life.

So it sounds like you both have CPTSD and autism ?

 

[trustinnerwisdom]

Thank you, but I'd rather stay in. People in my country are very violent and live by "toxic masculinity" and I don't feel like getting into a fist fight because that scares me.

Furthermore, I get so lost in my own little world that I don't even notice people filming me until I hear my adoptive nmother talking about it with her friends.

Honestly I'm tired

Why can't I just disappear?

Why you can’t just disappear, of course you can, but you obviously have an important unique mission here on Earth and you seem to be good on the way to figure that one out !

 

[All-Rounder]

Thank you, but I'd rather stay in. People in my country are very violent and live by "toxic masculinity" and I don't feel like getting into a fist fight because that scares me.

Furthermore, I get so lost in my own little world that I don't even notice people filming me until I hear my adoptive nmother talking about it with her friends.

Honestly I'm tired

Why can't I just disappear?

Rn that is not an option anymore for me, but I know what you mean, sometimes its just survival you stay home where it's safe from the madness.

The fact is that staying indoors made me very reliable on my abusive mother, and she would also use me for things and love professing her power over me, which is very damaging.

Another thing I missed out on was i used to get lost because i couldnt remember pathways in my city, and i didn't know anything, she gave me bad information.

The more I stay indoors, the more the anxiety grabs me when outside, so it's work but i have to get out daily, it's also necessary since i cant eat moms contaminated spoiled food, she is an absolute toxic environment. I can have some independence though she still messes with my stuff. Earlier she stole meat off my plate and she usually washes her hands with dirty stale dish water and doesnt even wipe.

 

[All-Rounder]

It's rare for abusive people to adopt children, they tend to be more selfish. It's strange that there is no way the system can deal with it or do checkups on all the children regularly.

 

[Aspychata]

I get you. I have decided l don't care what people think. I tend to discover some nice people but then l don't live in your town. And smaller towns are depressing because everybody is a freaky busybody consumed with people like you and me. I won't talk to alot of people because so many take advantage of us.

 

[Gerontius]

Hey, El Gato, might want to check out Mexican laws on pirate radio stations and get a little job that would let you acquire some good equipment and build an antenna.

 

[All-Rounder]

Thank you, but I'd rather stay in. People in my country are very violent and live by "toxic masculinity" and I don't feel like getting into a fist fight because that scares me.

Furthermore, I get so lost in my own little world that I don't even notice people filming me until I hear my adoptive nmother talking about it with her friends.

Honestly I'm tired

Why can't I just disappear?

It is hard for me to pay attention to everyone, as well as anxiety and PTSD sometimes makes it hard to look at people and it's more comfortable to ignore everyone and block out the reality of the situation. I have come to terms with how people behave and with time knowing that I'm not giving them attention or a reaction which is what they're looking for to feel powerful over people or like they have managed to upset or emotionally manipulate somebody, I think they're losing their power.

 

[elgat0verde]

Online DJ - then you can be indoor as my friend does, she is a DJ in Second Life.

So it sounds like you both have CPTSD and autism ?

I do not know what CPTSD is, but I'll look into it.

I was an indoors DJ during my college years when it was easier to NOT ILLEGALLY download songs and I really liked it, seemed like something i'd love to do for a living

I may give that a shot, but my library is completely gone, and I have a Chromebook which doesn't allow this I think

Thank you

 

[elgat0verde]

Rn that is not an option anymore for me, but I know what you mean, sometimes its just survival you stay home where it's safe from the madness.

The fact is that staying indoors made me very reliable on my abusive mother, and she would also use me for things and love professing her power over me, which is very damaging.

Another thing I missed out on was i used to get lost because i couldnt remember pathways in my city, and i didn't know anything, she gave me bad information.

The more I stay indoors, the more the anxiety grabs me when outside, so it's work but i have to get out daily, it's also necessary since i cant eat moms contaminated spoiled food, she is an absolute toxic environment. I can have some independence though she still messes with my stuff. Earlier she stole meat off my plate and she usually washes her hands with dirty stale dish water and doesnt even wipe.

I am sorry you are going through this, It's hard when your parents are crappy and you are in the middle of that abuse.

I wish I could go outside more but I just don't like it, the weather here is super hot and hot weather makes me very uncomfortable, plus, everyone just stares at me whenever I go (I come from a very well known family in this city). I don't know if any of you feel like this but, I can feel energies and they feel heavy on my shoulders.

I can tell when someone doesn't like me and I can feel intentions of people, so, going outside just fills me with this.

And my city reeks of sewer water and there's dog poop everywhere, and extremely filthy. People have no education here but feel like they're amazing.

 

[elgat0verde]

It's rare for abusive people to adopt children, they tend to be more selfish. It's strange that there is no way the system can deal with it or do checkups on all the children regularly.

From what I know I was just given away because there are no papers or anything regarding my adoption. The person that I talked to about it told me that I just showed up as a gift from my mother's friends

 

[All-Rounder]

I do not know what CPTSD is, but I'll look into it.

I was an indoors DJ during my college years when it was easier to NOT ILLEGALLY download songs and I really liked it, seemed like something i'd love to do for a living

I may give that a shot, but my library is completely gone, and I have a Chromebook which doesn't allow this I think

Thank you

CPTSD is like PTSD but has additional symptoms. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder typically happens as a result of abuse and is often encountered in veterans but also victims of narcissistic abuse.

 

[All-Rounder]

I am sorry you are going through this, It's hard when your parents are crappy and you are in the middle of that abuse.

I wish I could go outside more but I just don't like it, the weather here is super hot and hot weather makes me very uncomfortable, plus, everyone just stares at me whenever I go (I come from a very well known family in this city). I don't know if any of you feel like this but, I can feel energies and they feel heavy on my shoulders.

I can tell when someone doesn't like me and I can feel intentions of people, so, going outside just fills me with this.

And my city reeks of sewer water and there's dog poop everywhere, and extremely filthy. People have no education here but feel like they're amazing.

Hot weather makes me very dizzy, so I have to go out in the early morning or at night for non stop stores, when no "funny people" are around, the drama in stores happens in the afternoon when they crowd up the places, let their kids run around and hit each other and even argue with staff. People can be vicious.

When people stare it's very counter-intuitive for us but if you stare back most won't be staring. I think the fact we avoid eye contact invites more looks. There is probably more to the reason why but it gets better when I look at them.

My mom knows a lot of people here too, and the fact she has some Munchausen by proxy to gain attention doesn't help. People talk about my medical issues as I walk by, such a thing should be illegal and it's very bad taste to share everything that happens to a family member medically with everyone. And people are so mean, they expect me to do extremely unwell, because they cant see my pain, they dismiss it.

Completely agree, overpopulation, undereducation. Dog poop everywhere, people don't know how to train a dog, they don't even know what training a dog means. They just think it means sit. So I told a couple people: please train your dog, and they were like it's trained, I was thinking trained to what, attack people on the street? There was 1 person who applied corrections to their dog, out of a lot throughout the years. Neihbor has a dog with barking issues, 3 kids they complain is hard with, other animals and they get a new puppy which is huge responsibility when they should try to make their life better. Dogs don't even poop in the grass, it's in the middle of the walkway.

 

[trustinnerwisdom]

CPTSD is like PTSD but has additional symptoms. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder typically happens as a result of abuse and is often encountered in veterans but also victims of narcissistic abuse.

CPTSD is also sexual abuse or whatever abuse which have happen so regularly so that a person change themselves to survive .

It's common for someone suffering from cptsd to lose control over their emotions, which can manifest as explosive anger, persistent sadness, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Negative self-view. Cptsd can cause a person to view themselves in a negative light. They may feel helpless, guilty, or ashamed.

 

[elgat0verde]

CPTSD is also sexual abuse or whatever abuse which have happen so regularly so that a person change themselves to survive .

It's common for someone suffering from cptsd to lose control over their emotions, which can manifest as explosive anger, persistent sadness, depression, and suicidal thoughts. Negative self-view. Cptsd can cause a person to view themselves in a negative light. They may feel helpless, guilty, or ashamed.

I did read about it and I believe I have that and not BPD

I grew up in an extremely emotionally abusive family and an extremely abusive town, I was relentlessly bullied in school, and then I'd come home and be relentlessly bullied by my adoptive father. I was never enough for them, and they made me believe that there was something very wrong with me, when there was absolutely nothing wrong with me.

They ghosted me into becoming insecure, abused me to do what they wanted me to do with MY life, they are such horrible people and I have ended back in their claws.

I also believe that they knew I have autism and did everything in their power to hide it from everyone, because they were ashamed of it. Some friends of them talk to me softly, and I always noticed they treated me differently from everyone else. That would explain their persistence and abuse into me hiding my traits because they were "wrong"

 

[elgat0verde]

Hot weather makes me very dizzy, so I have to go out in the early morning or at night for non stop stores, when no "funny people" are around, the drama in stores happens in the afternoon when they crowd up the places, let their kids run around and hit each other and even argue with staff. People can be vicious.

When people stare it's very counter-intuitive for us but if you stare back most won't be staring. I think the fact we avoid eye contact invites more looks. There is probably more to the reason why but it gets better when I look at them.

My mom knows a lot of people here too, and the fact she has some Munchausen by proxy to gain attention doesn't help. People talk about my medical issues as I walk by, such a thing should be illegal and it's very bad taste to share everything that happens to a family member medically with everyone. And people are so mean, they expect me to do extremely unwell, because they cant see my pain, they dismiss it.

Completely agree, overpopulation, undereducation. Dog poop everywhere, people don't know how to train a dog, they don't even know what training a dog means. They just think it means sit. So I told a couple people: please train your dog, and they were like it's trained, I was thinking trained to what, attack people on the street? There was 1 person who applied corrections to their dog, out of a lot throughout the years. Neihbor has a dog with barking issues, 3 kids they complain is hard with, other animals and they get a new puppy which is huge responsibility when they should try to make their life better. Dogs don't even poop in the grass, it's in the middle of the walkway.

Yeah, I don't like stores because of that, because they're always full of people.

My adoptive mother also tells everyone everything about me and plays victim, so does my adoptive father, the other day I caught her talking to one of her friends about me in a very not so good way and that made me upset. I've never known why they hate me so, maybe because I'm not "normal"

They adore my sister tho, because she is "normal"

People in this town think that I'm the bad guy abusing a pair of elderly people, when all I do is exist. My ex-wife is like that as well. Those are narcissistic traits I've come to learn and growing up with narcissists is horrible, more so marrying one.