Reactions from NT partners

[As sweet as-pie]

Hi all, I am in a long term relationship with my current (NT) boyfriend who I started dating in 2013.

I self-diagnosed in early 2016 and got my official diagnosis at the start of this year. I've always been very open with him about how I think and see the world and also about my autism diagnosis from the time I self-dx'd.

However, he recently told me that since I got my professional diagnosis, he feels as if he's learning how I am and it's taking him time to adjust to it. He says this isn't an issue for him and it doesn't change how he feels. He knows me very well and he already knows how I think. I feel as if this is mainly to do with his/society's perception of autism, as I haven't changed at all, the only thing that's changed is that now I have a name and a piece of paper for what I am.

I've told him to ask me any questions he has about autism as a whole, but he can't think of anything specific. I'm worried that he's seeing me differently, as he says he needs to learn more about autism when in fact he already knows how I think and act and he's very good at understanding me and knowing what to do in a given situation and of course : "if you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person".

How should I approach this? What would you want an NT partner to know about autism/you? To those with NT partners/ex-partners, how did they react to your diagnosis?

 

[NeoPhile]

I would have him sit down with you and your psychiatrist or neurologist and you should go over some things. Your psychiatrist could tell him some things and allow him to ask questions. You could have a discussion and everyone learns in the process.

 

[Peacelily76]

Hi,
I'm NT and currently helping a friend through the diagnosis process.
NTs like to be involved so you will benefit by asking him to join you for any professional advice/insight sessions. In this way, you are learning more about this together.
Believe him when he says it doesn't change what you have together. He has proved his commitment already. The 'piece of paper' makes the situation real and formal and he will have some emotional processing to do. He may worry that you'll leave him?
So, if you involve him, he knows you want him to be there with you.
This is a significant step forwards for you. He will be feeling the importance of this.
Hope this helps you and best of luck.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

Thanks for your responses guys. Unfortunately I no longer have a psychiatrist or am under any kind of mental health services, but it was still a helpful suggestion!

 

[Katleya]

My partner rejected the diagnosis. His first reaction was "Prove it", except I couldn't at the time, not with a piece of paper anyway. Over the next week, he expressed the feeling that it was as though I had lied to him all this time --except that he knows me very well and had picked up on many of my peculiarities.
I think part of his negative reaction at the time was that he had a completely different perception of what Asperger's was, relayed by some stereotypes from Lord knows where (but his description was more that of a psychopath than that of an autist). And he doesn't like when he's caught being wrong, because the guy is usually very intelligent.
Fast forward to a year later: he mentioned something about autists (not in a condescending or negative ways), and I said I could relate to that. So apparently he still hasn't put 2 and 2 together, and I really need to walk him through the basics of ASD.
He has, however, accepted my diagnosis since, so there's some progress.

I think it's great that your partner already understands you well. Perhaps he doesn't have any questions at the moment because it's not really news to him, in which case the best thing would probably be to let him know that if and when a question arises, it's not off limits, including if it's a question about a particular behavior that he would like to clarify.

 

[Judge]

How should I approach this? What would you want an NT partner to know about autism/you?

You know, in all honesty I find this question so problematic that I find myself answering it by saying, "Being self-aware at this point in my life, I'd probably refrain from getting emotionally involved with NTs altogether. Preferring only my own kind."

It may be emphasized that telling your partner is the moral thing to do. However it instantly forces the following dynamics of those who you tell that you're on the spectrum:

1) Those who want to understand and do.
2) Those who want to understand and fail.
3) Those who are indifferent to your autism and default to a mentality that you must alter your traits and behaviors to accommodate a social majority.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

You know, in all honesty I find this question so problematic that I find myself answering it by saying, "Being self-aware at this point in my life, I'd probably refrain from getting emotionally involved with NTs altogether. Preferring only my own kind."

It may be emphasized that telling your partner is the moral thing to do. However it instantly forces the following dynamics of those who you tell that you're on the spectrum:

1) Those who want to understand and do.
2) Those who want to understand and fail.
3) Those who are indifferent to your autism and default to a mentality that you must alter your traits and behaviors to accommodate a social majority.

I agree with you completely, but luckily in my case he falls into the first dynamic.

 

[Judge]

I agree with you completely, but luckily in my case he falls into the first dynamic.

So did my brother. It happens. Not a lot, but sometimes we do get blessed with people in our closest orbit who really do understand.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I was in a de facto relationship for 23 years and it wasn't long after I was diagnosed with having Asperger's that my partner left me.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I was in a de facto relationship for 23 years and it wasn't long after I was diagnosed with having Asperger's that my partner left me.

I'm really sorry to hear this, but I think that someone should love you for who you are so it's probably best that you saw their true colours and I hope you're happier now.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

Just an update, the topic came up again and he explained that he was worried he wasn't understanding enough of me and wanted to be able to support me properly, which is why he was making such a big deal out of it. I reassured him that he definitely understands enough and I'm glad he wants to constantly learn more about me. Thank you for all your replies.

 

[Khendra]

Mine was very supportive when I was officially diagnosed in 2014. We've been together since 2004. Officially married last year.

 

[Desiertx]

When I first brought it up to my partner, it was after a big fight because I was't communicating right or something. He seemed trapped by it and asked if I had been officially diagnosed. He said he didn't want to delve too deeply into it until I had a diagnoses. That was very hurtful for me because it denied my understanding of my own life. at some point I mentioned that I wanted him to take it seriously and trust my own experience since I'm not one to seek out diagnoses ever. and I had only brought it up originally because all my other tools had failed. so he did. I found this really great book on asperger's and long term relationships and I read the whole thing in 2 sessions. then gave him the copy. I got him to start reading it with me. at the end of the intro he started to cry. it was the first time I had ever seen him cry. He said it just made so much sense. I think that was his official acceptance. But he's also said before that moment that it wouldn't change his feelings for me. and he was still committed to me.and he always knew my brain worked differently which I know drew him to me some. It's stil la battle to understand each other we are so extremely different sometimes.

 

[onlything]

He has proved his commitment already. The 'piece of paper' makes the situation real and formal and he will have some emotional processing to do. He may worry that you'll leave him?
So, if you involve him, he knows you want him to be there with you.

From curiosity. Confusion maybe.

Why would he worry about it?