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Question about high school

B

Bethannie

Active Member
Hi, first time posting. Looking for advice/validation

My daughter is 16 and High functioning. Anxiety, depression and OCD. She is sliding away from me fast. Her school tries, but it's a small town school with very little electives that interest her. Her father and I both graduated from there, and its still very much a self-centered Harper Valley PTA kind of place.

My daughter is my whole world. She's my favorite person. She is the nicest and most generous person I know. She is funny. She is the greatest thing since sliced bread and I wouldn't trade her for the world. But here is my problem: school is killing her. Everyday she comes home exhausted and crying. She has started to self harm and talk about killing herself. She is beyond miserable and all I can think of is how worried I am.

I've decided I'm pulling her out of high school. She's going to take a break for a couple weeks and get her smile back and start working on a better sleep pattern. Then I'm going to enroll her in online courses to complete the HiSET and ACT/SATs and enroll her in the local university in the spring. The University is very supportive of my plan and has pledged to assist me in any way possible, my problem is the high school. They are not going to like me screwing up their "graduation matters" thing. Normally I wouldn't care, but I need them to sign off on the HiSET.

I'm getting ready to go down there and start the process at her IEP meeting coming up, but I am easily manipulated and guilted into doing things I don't want to do, so I'm having massive anxiety. But I feel that I am making the best decision I can for her and her health.

Please share your thoughts. I really need to know I'm doing the right thing so I'm able to "fend off" the hard sell the school is going to give me for this.
 
What about seeking the recommendation of a mental health professional? When I stopped going to high-school, I had just gotten out of a hospital and had paperwork from them to validate any reasons we gave.
 
Fino said:
What about seeking the recommendation of a mental health professional? When I stopped going to high-school, I had just gotten out of a hospital and had paperwork from them to validate any reasons we gave.
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, we are on a waiting list for mental health care outside of the CSCT program at school. There is very little mental health services here.
 
Your daughter's mental health is of course very important, and if she is in a bad situation at school (ie. other kids harassing her) its a reasonable course of action. Is your daughter in agreement with the plan? Assuming she is, consider it a medical situation and stand your ground and do the best you can advocating for her. High School is a particularly difficult environment for many on the spectrum.
 
Ah those were the days I wish I can forget. You sound like my Grandmother who tried to help me too. Back in the 90's I use to call High School "Hell School" and College "Invisablege" and even though of self harm a few times too.

I feel is worse today with all this social media junk out there. As for online classes I would have loved doing that instead and I think it is a better choice. You can work on your time and not get overloaded by trying to do too many things at worse and deal with the mean people out there.

Anyway I wish your daughter all the luck she needs.
 
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I think you're doing the right thing for your daughter - she's blessed to have a parent that cares, understand hers, and is willing to go to the lengths you are going to.

As for dealing with the school and the "Harper Valley PTA":

1) Gather as much support as you can. Family, friends, sympathetic teachers, counselors, etc.

2) Prepare some short, polite answers like "We decided this change was necessary. We're not going to rethink it now." or "I appreciate your concern. We are doing what's best for our daughter."

The idea is to convey that the discussion is over in a polite and firm manner. You can practice your answers in the mirror or with someone else who is supportive. Make sure your tone is polite - this goes a long way toward easing the other person while subtly conveying that their objections or arguments did not affect you.

You can also practice changing the subject in the same breath. Example: "This was a necessary change and we're looking forward to her graduating. How are your children doing?"

3) Finally, remember that most people's opinions are about themselves, even when they're talking about you. They are saying what they believe will benefit them or make themselves feel better. Practice the art of not-believing-what-others-say-about-you.
 
I'm glad you came here. People are kind and helpful and supportive and there is a wealth of experience. The system is different where I live, so I can't give you any specific advice about how to deal with the school though I think others have made some very good suggestions. I will tell you that as a parent and autistic person myself I think you are doing the right thing and as long as your daughter is content with this plan you should stick to your guns and go ahead. Don't let the school bully you. I know they will probably try. I've been through that too. I can't even tell you how I coped other than that I just muddled forward and some things worked out and others didn't. I wish you all the best and your daughter too.
 
If you feel yourself waver, as depressing as it is, remind yourself about the self-harm and thoughts of suicide she is having and how unbearably painful and confusing it must be to live like that, day after day after day after day.
 
What does she want?

At the end, think about how she is supposed to be able to complete like that.
 
I think you are doing the right thing, assuming it is what your daughter wants too. Dropping out of school aged 17 was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life, I'm sure I would be dead if I hadn't. Education is important, but mental wellbeing is even more so, and it sounds you have a solid plan for her to continue her education. I don't have any advise, other than stay strong and remember that you are doing what is best for her.
 
Cyber school could help a lot, especially if she's self-motivated to do work. This kind of environment will maximize allowing her to regulate her sleep patterns and emotions. I used to work at a cyber school and many of the IEP kids there excelled and some even got off their IEPs. If you're in the US, only certain states have chartered cyber schools. There are private cyber schools that exist, but they probably cost a lot of money. If you can afford it, it's probably worth it in your situation. I highly recommend looking into getting your child into a cyber school.

If you're not sure how to look that info up, let me know if you're in the US and what state and I can try to help you. PM me if that is better.
 
My daughter was homeschooled, later Connections Academy, then public online school, then l found a great performing arts high school.
Find out your resources, and go from there. Can you get her interested in volunteer work for the local humane society, start her in dance, music, karate, something to give her confidence? My daughter did Tai Quando, ice skating, piano, swimming. Another thing is babysitting classes, chance for her to earn money.
 
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