Pressure to be Social

[Berianireth]

I get so anxious about socializing sometimes that I will filibuster my friends into canceling on me via text or e-mail. It's almost a superpower. I recently realized that I was doing this, or rather how I'm doing this... and that some of the poor people I am talking to think that I want to punch them in the eye/wipe my hands clean of them. I've been getting a little bit better about not being a constant source of alienation, but getting out the door is still really hard. Now that that I'm on a mission to organize my schedule and apartment though, I'm feeling a little bolder about having people *in* sometimes. We'll see how that goes.

 

[GhostWriter]

All of the Responses were very interesting to me! A lot of them seem to hinge on meeting Strangers for the 1st time, & on your own-
That is part of My problem- I hate doing things or going unfamiliar places alone! Not only am I afraid of getting lost (& that's a Big One), but I am also unsure if the reason for the 'outing' is worth it- so many times things that are of interes to others turn out to be Not Interesting to me, or Downright Boring! Then, the big problem is how to get away from it without stepping on anyone's toes.... Touchy & very Stressful!
My sister in law has always been very social, always heading off to this Lecture, that movie, that Venue. She cannot understand why neither myself or my husband want to go- both of us have our reason... Mine are mentioned above & my husband's are mostly to do with disliking Crowds. We both have financial problems, but even that is Unacceptable & not understood by my sister-in-law! She is particularly judgmental of me, as if I am the Cause of her brother's 'unsociability'. But both of us are Homebodies- we like being at home, working around the house, cooking, gardening, etc. And we prefer watching a movie on Netflix to going to a theater (& having to dress up, pay more, drive to & from),etc... And for intellectual stimulus, I read a whole lot & research a lot on line- that keeps me busy for hours!!
Why this Lifestyle is so perverse & unacceptable is mystery to me. I was brought up entertaining myself, not relying on others (because there weren't any) to do things or go places with. I realize that that was not a completely normal (?) or 100% happy situation, but I am Used to it & it is
quite comfortable. I just wish Others were not so Negative about it! It makes me angry!

 

[paloftoon]

I also wanted to add that I've learned from experience that it's good to have what I like to call "in-between" friends. Those that you can't depend on, but those that you shouldn't push away either. Like they are intentionally mean to you, but they are so happy-go-lucky that you should only call last minute or try to contact only when you feel like it, and only accept what you want to do if they ask or make up some lame excuse.

 

[GhostWriter]

Sounds optimal-and familiar to me.

As long as you aren't laid off from work. And your girlfriend doesn't leave you, your pet doesn't die and your parent(s) don't die too. I've always lived with a very small circle of friends and loved ones. But they're all gone now.

You'd think this would be the greatest incentive to be socially engaging. I see a cousin and her two dogs who live on the other side of town about every four months or so. Beyond that there's a craft club I attend monthly. Otherwise I live in near isolation. It often feels like a strange form of paralysis. I have a much greater understanding of myself at this point in time, but I'm just not sure how much it can really do for me.

I'd love to reach out to an Aspie community if there was such a thing in town...but it doesn't appear to be the case. I feel safe here...not feeling like I have to keep my guard up every two seconds. Wish I had that environment face-to-face with people. <sigh>

 

[GhostWriter]

That would be Wonderful! I agree with your posting- about what would happen if all those people you Do count on- a girl/ boy friend, your family, your pets- were gone...
Then What??
When my parents died my 2 sisters & I had 'falling outs' over various issues including settling of their Wills & interference from in laws, etc. I felt 3 times as alone. Then my husband & I moved West upon retirement. Out here his sister is our only close relation, & for me it is a difficult situation as she is very opinionated & doesn't understand Me at all. Causing even more feelings of isolation.
But even now I can't bring myself to go places, join things, etc! They just don't seem worth the hassles involved!