Possible for ASD to two-time & why?

[Grace75]

Hi,
5 years of relationship with a self-diagnosed ASD boyfriend and I just found out he has been two-timing me.
I have been reading that ASD traits include honesty and loyalty. Anyone can advise me what could he be thinking and what should I do?

 

[Raggamuffin]

Everyone is different. People on the spectrum can lie just like anyone else.

If you want to know what he could be thinking - ask him.
What you should do? Well that's up to you. I stayed with someone who cheated on me and it just delayed the innevitable. How can you trust them again?

Also, ask yourself, and him - why cheat in the first place? Probably weren't happy in the relationship. Either way, they've been unfaithful, and in my opinion that's game over for a relationship.

Ed

 

[Grace75]

In our last face-to-face meeting, he could only say sorry. In a followup text, he claimed I am a confidante and a close friend who knows things that others don’t.
He went silent after I fired more questions via texts.
So, I am trying to find closure myself.

 

[Kavigant]

Folks with ASD are all different, and ASD is no excuse for cheating.

 

[Grace75]

Thanks for that.
Been checking out resources on ASD and could only see honesty as a trait, though spectrum means there can be diverse possibilities.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi,
5 years of relationship with a self-diagnosed ASD boyfriend and I just found out he has been two-timing me.
I have been reading that ASD traits include honesty and loyalty. Anyone can advise me what could he be thinking and what should I do?

You're not going to find this behavior as any sort of ASD trait.

You two need to sort out the underlying reasons for this behavior. Communication styles? Respect? What does this other person offer that you don't that would lure him away?

I know, that conversation, if you can have it, is best done without emotion, otherwise his autistic brain is going to shut down and you're going to end up in a messy, emotional, dysfunctional interaction. Good luck with that. (sarcasm)

 

[Aspychata]

What l have found is sometimes people cheat because they can't tell you it's over. It's a cop out, but men in particular, aren't great about saying it's over. Five years is a long time, l am sorry you are going thru this now. I actually went out with someone else to get a guy off my mind, and of course all l did was think about him. Total waste of time. Luckily, my date was a serial dater, so he was out the door. Sometimes, he just isn't in to you anymore, we do outgrow relationships. Or one of us grows and matures, but the other one stomps his little cowboy boots up and down and refuses to mature. Just an example. Lol. Just give him space and start taking care of your needs. (Please)

 

[Tom]

Yes and for same variety of reasons NTs do. That honesty thing is at most a tendency, not a rule.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Folks with ASD are all different, and ASD is no excuse for cheating.

Exactly! He exhibits a failure of character and ethics. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You will be better off without him because he WILL cheat again.

 

[Rodafina]

Anyone can advise me what could he be thinking and what should I do?

Take your notions of "ASD honesty and loyalty" out of the equation. It is an erroneous stereotype that is clouding your thinking on this issue.

You say you want to gain closure. Sometimes, this process starts with a whole lot of space so that you can make sense of things and tend to your (understandably) hurt feelings. If I were in your situation, I know that there would be no repairing for me. "Two-timing" is not something I am willing to move past with someone. That would be the end and the closure would be how I made sense of our problems and what I was going to do to move on and only look back for lessons I could learn from such a thing.

PS, sorry you are going through this. Infidelity is very very painful.

 

[Grace75]

thank you All for your advice appreciate hearing from you.

 

[Grace75]

Exactly! He exhibits a failure of character and ethics. Once a cheater, always a cheater. You will be better off without him because he WILL cheat again.

The irony is his wife cheated on him. He went through the first year of separation with alcohol before I met him (he was cleaning up). Never imagined he would do it to others.

 

[Grace75]

You're not going to find this behavior as any sort of ASD trait.

You two need to sort out the underlying reasons for this behavior. Communication styles? Respect? What does this other person offer that you don't that would lure him away?

I know, that conversation, if you can have it, is best done without emotion, otherwise his autistic brain is going to shut down and you're going to end up in a messy, emotional, dysfunctional interaction. Good luck with that. (sarcasm)

if I look at what she has (outwardly) and what I don’t, my self-esteem will hit rock bottom. In that one phone call with her, she boasted of his active pursuit & a diamond ring to top it all. She had the real deal but felt they were incompatible.
He, on the other hand, claimed that they quarrelled too much, he didn’t think they would work out.
My part, I guess I’m the stupid one. Didn’t manage the post conversation well & triggered his flight response.

 

[Aspychata]

Don't blame yourself, relationships are strange complexities that can be hard to grasp. I don't know if it gets any easier as l age. I still feel clueless about relationships.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Grace75

As I understand it, "closure" is about achieving a stable end-state by resolving uncertainties and/or ambiguities that are blocking the way forward.
IMO the current "pop-psychology" use is unhealthy.

If your goal is to return to a normal uncluttered life, does it truly matter how you got to your intermediate state?
Caring about the details of the past adds a complex external prerequisite, so it's more likely to block the way forward than to facilitate progress.

 

[Kavigant]

The tendency toward being blunt or more frank in speech is not necessarily the same thing as being more honest in one's dealings.
The first two are more about being socially inappropriate than about character or ethics.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Yes and for same variety of reasons NTs do. That honesty thing is at most a tendency, not a rule.

Well, I have had to be honest because my spouse says I am a bad liar because my expression and body language gives me away too easily.

I could control some of that, especially playing poker. Every holiday I grew up with a family of poker players. They had no mercy if they knew your tells.