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People with a disability should try harder!
- Thread starter Sal26
- Start date
I am an NT and I think that is a stupid and arrogant thing to say to you. I know there are some things my partner cannot change, I would never ever expect him to give more than he can. Some people are just selfish sounds like your partner is one of them. Be proud of who you are and dont let anyone knock it xx
Balkan1996
Well-Known Member
People gotta stop acting like Asperger's is a disability. Albert Einstein had ADHD and ASD and what did he become?
I agree, what your partner says is a bit ignorant, but we're just dragging this out of the context.
Also, Asperger's is a dominate gene, meaning your children have 60-70% chances of having ASD as well. So, in a million years everyone will be autistic and being 'normal' would probably be considered as 'disability'. There, I dropped you something to think about...
I know it's hard to be different, but think of all the positive sides autism brings you!
I agree, what your partner says is a bit ignorant, but we're just dragging this out of the context.
Also, Asperger's is a dominate gene, meaning your children have 60-70% chances of having ASD as well. So, in a million years everyone will be autistic and being 'normal' would probably be considered as 'disability'. There, I dropped you something to think about...
I know it's hard to be different, but think of all the positive sides autism brings you!
Spiller
Just.. WEIRD!
Sure people with disabilities have to try harder and with far less support, that's unfortunately the way society works - built around the majority and forcing the minority to cope as best they can.
Lumping AS/ASD in with disability for a moment, I find I also have to make so much more effort just to survive.. quality of life doesn't even come into it.
This is because the majority either aren't willing, or aren't aware enough to accept difference.
Lumping AS/ASD in with disability for a moment, I find I also have to make so much more effort just to survive.. quality of life doesn't even come into it.
This is because the majority either aren't willing, or aren't aware enough to accept difference.
I really can't answer this in abstract.
Yes, there are things a disabled person will have to work harder to accomplish.
Yes, there are things they will not be able to do.
Things have to be evaluated one at a time depending on the situation and circumstances. What are they telling you to try harder at?
Yes, there are things a disabled person will have to work harder to accomplish.
Yes, there are things they will not be able to do.
Things have to be evaluated one at a time depending on the situation and circumstances. What are they telling you to try harder at?
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Whatisknown
Well-Known Member
I understand both sides of this argument on the one hand the person believes you are using your aspergers as an excuse, but on the other hand they don't really know how hard it can be sometimes when you feel like a sardine in a sardine can. It makes me mad sometimes because my step dad will tell me that and I will go I am trying, and he doesn't understand how hard it can be, but sometimes I won't try at all.
A fundamentally flawed two-fold assumption many people make.
First, that merely being on the spectrum inherently constitutes a "disability". It doesn't. That's a legal and medical distinction that has to be determined on a case-by-case basis.
Second, that traits and behaviors of ASD can all be properly addressed, adjusted and compensated for. They can't. It ultimately depends on one's neurological ability to individually process autistic traits and behaviors. For some they might be able to, and others they can't...and in varying degrees. Traits and behaviors of ASD aren't some kind of "bootstraps" we all can "pull up" with willpower and attitude alone. It simply isn't true.
Being on the spectrum of autism can be a "setback" of sorts in our ability to interact with the Neurotypical world. However that doesn't necessarily condemn us to total social failure either. Especially if you factor in whatever abilities we may or may not have which aren't relative to social interaction, but highly relative to our survival.
First, that merely being on the spectrum inherently constitutes a "disability". It doesn't. That's a legal and medical distinction that has to be determined on a case-by-case basis.
Second, that traits and behaviors of ASD can all be properly addressed, adjusted and compensated for. They can't. It ultimately depends on one's neurological ability to individually process autistic traits and behaviors. For some they might be able to, and others they can't...and in varying degrees. Traits and behaviors of ASD aren't some kind of "bootstraps" we all can "pull up" with willpower and attitude alone. It simply isn't true.
Being on the spectrum of autism can be a "setback" of sorts in our ability to interact with the Neurotypical world. However that doesn't necessarily condemn us to total social failure either. Especially if you factor in whatever abilities we may or may not have which aren't relative to social interaction, but highly relative to our survival.
Unfortunately, this tends to be what my husband says to me as well. Although, I must say, at last, he looked at the link I sent him via email, on female aspies and to give him some credit, I do get the feeling he is trying. But does still have a tendency to say that it is my problem and should find ways to handle myself.
What I find strange is that he does not seem to like me putting emotion into a memory I am describing. He says: why can't you just say it dogmatically, without all that emotion and I say: to be honest, I can't; I feel the memory and go with the flow.
It is frustrating when they have no conception that we have struggled our whole lives, trying to be nts and really, need to give us a bit of slack and start working with US and not expect the earth from US! Accept it is pretty difficult for me to say this, for I am pretty helpless when it comes to arguing a point.
What I find strange is that he does not seem to like me putting emotion into a memory I am describing. He says: why can't you just say it dogmatically, without all that emotion and I say: to be honest, I can't; I feel the memory and go with the flow.
It is frustrating when they have no conception that we have struggled our whole lives, trying to be nts and really, need to give us a bit of slack and start working with US and not expect the earth from US! Accept it is pretty difficult for me to say this, for I am pretty helpless when it comes to arguing a point.
Spiller
Just.. WEIRD!
Many people, it seems, simply refuse to put themselves out to change their opinions for anything, for no rational reason, just that they want the world to work according to them.
This is how my ex-wife has always been with me, even after being apart for 5 years and with formal recognition, if not yet a diagnosis, of AS and severe depression for the last two years.
No matter how bad I am, no matter that I might not be coping at all at any time, she still insists I have my kids all of my allotted time and more.. she wanted a break from them over the two week Easter half term, so I've had them for 10 days so far, with another week to go.. and that's a common issue - Christmas was terrible!
Now I'm always glad to have my boys but lately, since my breakdown, I've found myself much less able to manage than I was before and now have to leave them to it quite often while I either hide in bed or here on AC.
My concern is that they're stressed and anxious when they see me shutting down and there's nothing I can do to make things better or alleviate their worry.
Also, I feel a phenomenal amount of guilt for being how I am, that I'm being unreasonable and should be able to set my problems aside and cope!
I'm constantly made to feel that my difference is the problem..
This is how my ex-wife has always been with me, even after being apart for 5 years and with formal recognition, if not yet a diagnosis, of AS and severe depression for the last two years.
No matter how bad I am, no matter that I might not be coping at all at any time, she still insists I have my kids all of my allotted time and more.. she wanted a break from them over the two week Easter half term, so I've had them for 10 days so far, with another week to go.. and that's a common issue - Christmas was terrible!
Now I'm always glad to have my boys but lately, since my breakdown, I've found myself much less able to manage than I was before and now have to leave them to it quite often while I either hide in bed or here on AC.
My concern is that they're stressed and anxious when they see me shutting down and there's nothing I can do to make things better or alleviate their worry.
Also, I feel a phenomenal amount of guilt for being how I am, that I'm being unreasonable and should be able to set my problems aside and cope!
I'm constantly made to feel that my difference is the problem..
Slithytoves
Oblique Strategist
Like Tom, I feel like I'd need to understand exactly what your partner is telling you to try harder at before I could give my best answer. I'm sure there are a number of things and it may not be easy to summarize, even by categories as some examples defy simple categorization. So I'll just speak generally.
Your partner should be encouraged to do some reading on Asperger's if she hasn't already. Once she has, it might help her discern when a request to try harder is ever appropriate. If you don't perceive any change afterwards, that should tell you something. The real heart of this problem is this, though: What she ultimately wants by asking you to "try harder" has nothing to do with you, it has to do with her, and her desire for you to act more compatibly with her personality, activities, and wishes. This needs to be made as clear to her as the workings of your AS, because nobody who enters a relationship should labor under the delusion that they can or should change their partner to suit them.
I don't like the whole "Asperger's as an excuse" thing, because one person's excuse is another person's legitimate reason. Some Aspies may indeed use their AS as an excuse if they are inhabiting their diagnosis unduly, but I don't think that's the case with you or you more likely wouldn't have posted your question. Aspies "try harder" every day, because we're pressured to meet the expectations of NTs. An NT partner needs to understand this. What looks to them like mediocre effort is often a considerable one already. This isn't playing into the "disability" issue, it's about value-neutral differences in ways of thinking and behaving.
I agree with StephF that your partner needs to try harder as well, since she is voluntarily involved with a neurodiverse person. Partners should see each other as equals, which means meeting in the middle. If an NT partner in a "mixed" relationship can't see that, there's an unhealthy imbalance in terms of their perception of relative power.
Your partner should be encouraged to do some reading on Asperger's if she hasn't already. Once she has, it might help her discern when a request to try harder is ever appropriate. If you don't perceive any change afterwards, that should tell you something. The real heart of this problem is this, though: What she ultimately wants by asking you to "try harder" has nothing to do with you, it has to do with her, and her desire for you to act more compatibly with her personality, activities, and wishes. This needs to be made as clear to her as the workings of your AS, because nobody who enters a relationship should labor under the delusion that they can or should change their partner to suit them.
I don't like the whole "Asperger's as an excuse" thing, because one person's excuse is another person's legitimate reason. Some Aspies may indeed use their AS as an excuse if they are inhabiting their diagnosis unduly, but I don't think that's the case with you or you more likely wouldn't have posted your question. Aspies "try harder" every day, because we're pressured to meet the expectations of NTs. An NT partner needs to understand this. What looks to them like mediocre effort is often a considerable one already. This isn't playing into the "disability" issue, it's about value-neutral differences in ways of thinking and behaving.
I agree with StephF that your partner needs to try harder as well, since she is voluntarily involved with a neurodiverse person. Partners should see each other as equals, which means meeting in the middle. If an NT partner in a "mixed" relationship can't see that, there's an unhealthy imbalance in terms of their perception of relative power.
On the Inside
Well-Known Member
This is an issue I deal with quite often. My partner would like it if I could deal with my most bothersome traits (to her) as an alcoholic would going through treatment and the 12 step process. I tell her that it would be great if I could see a big overall improvement by simply ceasing one behavior, but ASD and the accompanying traits are not something I can will away with the support of weekly meetings and stepwork. But it continues to be the lens through which she looks at it in her frustrated moments. I'm also questioned a lot about quantifying my improvements, so as to justify the time and expense of treatment ( I see a therapist 2-3 times a month and take anti-anxiety medication).
I would love to have the aid of other's experience in better coping strategies, tools and treatments that have improved their lives. We get that to some degree here, but it is a less than ideal medium for getting help and helping others. The personal touch is vastly superior to me than the anonymous, geographically scattered nature of an internet forum. At this point, my therapist and psychiatrist are my main sources for help and support, but that costs money, and it lacks the shared experience one gets with face to face interaction with others with the same condition.
Nonetheless, I am working hard, but I'm also working hard at all of the other aspects of life required of me as an independent adult with a job, a home, etc. There are a lot of things that would benefit my quality of life that I neglect, or simply do not participate in due to my need to work harder and longer in other, more important areas.
Sure, we all can fall back on "disability" from time to time, but I highly doubt that any one of us wouldn't want to be as effective, productive, and active as we could be. We have challenges, they have to be taken into account and not ignored or written off as irrelevant.
I would love to have the aid of other's experience in better coping strategies, tools and treatments that have improved their lives. We get that to some degree here, but it is a less than ideal medium for getting help and helping others. The personal touch is vastly superior to me than the anonymous, geographically scattered nature of an internet forum. At this point, my therapist and psychiatrist are my main sources for help and support, but that costs money, and it lacks the shared experience one gets with face to face interaction with others with the same condition.
Nonetheless, I am working hard, but I'm also working hard at all of the other aspects of life required of me as an independent adult with a job, a home, etc. There are a lot of things that would benefit my quality of life that I neglect, or simply do not participate in due to my need to work harder and longer in other, more important areas.
Sure, we all can fall back on "disability" from time to time, but I highly doubt that any one of us wouldn't want to be as effective, productive, and active as we could be. We have challenges, they have to be taken into account and not ignored or written off as irrelevant.
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Aspergirl4hire
Mage, Sage, Revolutionary
I'm sorry. This is painful. Can't make it any better for you, but I think everybody upthread is in your corner, and I for one have had relationships crash and burn because I "just couldn't change enough." And when my own needs get ignored, sooner or later, they get met some other way. Sounds to me like you're ready to have your needs appreciated. Give yourself some good self-care as you can.
-A4H
And what about your partner, what steps is she taking to iron out her bothersome NT traits? Your post just struck me as if you are the one doing all the work! I am an NT and I have no doubt my ASD partner finds me as frustrating as I do him sometimes.
Anyone partnered with an Aspie will likely need to change their expectations of what their partner is able to do.
For the sake of harmony, we in return also make our best effort. A loving partner will, with loving speech, express what they wish of us. They will also wish us to be who we are.
"Love in such a way that the person you love feels free." --- Thich Nhat Hanh
For the sake of harmony, we in return also make our best effort. A loving partner will, with loving speech, express what they wish of us. They will also wish us to be who we are.
"Love in such a way that the person you love feels free." --- Thich Nhat Hanh
James Dunn
Well-Known Member
It is hard to deal with. My last partner was an NT with severe mental health problems as well as other physical problems. She use to tell me to look at it from her point of view as she is unable to see my aspie point. no matter how much I tried I could not see it. She left me as she could handle my aspie and how I did things so totally different to her but got the same outcome. I have given up on NT and would like to find an aspie who sort of knows what I am going through.
Berianireth
Well-Known Member
The "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps" approach to dating? I think in a sense it is nice that your NT partner encourages you to try harder. I mean, we all have some power over how severe our "symptoms" are, but you can't cure yourself even with diligent effort imo.
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